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Messages - Lisa Moody

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1
Main / Russell Boy's 21st month up above
« on: April 14, 2008, 12:49:20 PM »
Dear Lord,
How I miss my baby boy more than you can ever imagine
Please kiss and hug him for me as I try my best to live life without him
I don't know at time what to think and do
So far I made a big mess of my life and yet
I try I really do
It seems like things gets worst everyday instead of better
I am not happy and very sad inside my soul
I can't figure it out sometimes its good and sometimes its very bad

Oh, god my soul aches with heartbreak and sadness
My inner soul is so full with darkness that entangles my well being
It hurts so deep down inside that it makes me numb....

Please dear lord help my soul find the way to deal with all of this nightmare that now is part of me....

2
Main / End of the road
« on: April 01, 2008, 09:46:05 AM »
Where does the road ends
Do we fight ourselves and make ourselves believe that someday we can find peace?
What happens next we dig ourselves this great hole that keeps swallowing us whole
I changed not for the better but maybe the worst
I don't want to be kind at times and wished everyone around stop caring so much
Yet I cannot feel the love I use to feel or yet respect myself for who I was once before
End of the road I say is a never ending journey
I don't care how anyone thinks that this can happen
But I don't feel a thing
Why?  Can't I feel anything???
How can I try to pretend that I am okay with all that has happened???

My whole world is collapsing on me and yet I do nothing about it.
I let it happen. 
I choose to believe that everyday I live my life now is with pain and it never ends
I can pray, cry, talk and write but yet endless pain stays in embedded in my soul.

What am I doiing?  I can't understand myself sometimes
I think I am losing it and I am out of control.....

Is this the end of my road????
Am I setting myself up for complete failure for myself?
Confused and so much darkness has touch this once loving soul..........


3
Main / Re: antidepressants
« on: March 26, 2008, 04:07:29 PM »
Ditto here when Russell Boy passed away I never took any prescrbe drugs I am all natural.  I need to feel everything.  I could never take something to make me sleep or numb I coldn't do it because I am already numb and disoriented at times of feeling down.  I have a mentor and all of you!!!! :)

That makes my day easier...

4
Child Loss / Longing
« on: March 25, 2008, 10:19:47 PM »
We long to have peace in our hearts and soul and yet not have any come our way
No closure, no peace just keeps taunting my inner soul
And yet no regrets of ever missing my baby boy ever
We live day by day
Waiting for something of a bit of news ----nothing
Life what is life when it is detroyed into so many pieces that never can be replaced
Going crazy and insane missing him so much
What can we do?
Nothing my boy is gone and all I know is the heart felt soreness of ny heart and soul
I don't know who I am anymore
Don't know what will be coming out of any of this life I have now
Many times we all try very hard to be happy
Yet the inner soul stays in darkness and my world stops and nothing seems to go right in our lives
We have everything we ever wanted my children, a house, finances, etc.......
But yet I am robbed by this nightmare that forever lingers on in my life and never ends.......
What will become of myself I asked this question every single day.......
God is real ir is he???
Yes why do we suffer these trials?
Why can't this world live happy?
I don't know myself
Some of you believe that everything has a purpose but not me not anymore
I feel robbed as a mother
Nothng will change for the better but it just gets worst everyday
Missing Russell boy feeling the failure as a parent that no parent would ever want
Failure in his life of someone else making that decision for him
What can we do but try but fail too at times

Lisa
   

5
Main / My Life today
« on: March 05, 2008, 09:18:54 AM »
I came a long way to deal with the sorrow and grief that aches me,
And yet my heart won't heal
My life has been a roller coaster that just keeps on going backwards
I don't know what I have become
Yet not no my own self
But, I linger in this nightmare of missing my boy so much
I cried, I yelled and I got angry
But nothing will change that loss that I feel
What will become of me
I ask myself this daily
Yes we are strong
Yet our lives have yet not solved this mystery
Of death itself and where it can lead you
I try everyday to say today is a better day
But yet my inner soul is hurting I cannot be healed
I work everyday
And learned how to hide
myself from this world around me
If they only could see my inner sold
They would be afraid of what they would find
Way down deep inside my inner soul
Is cold and heartless
That darkness once touched and stayed there forever
I can't explain anymore on how I am feeling
But can tell you what is for today only
My life today is not what I wanted
nor what I should be accepting
But I have to live my life today with great sorrow inside of me
that never lets me go
Happiness is one thing I wish for myself and everyone around me
But my inner soul taunts me
I say this one thing
And one thing only
My life today is only what we make it
Whether you live it like your last
Or cope with things around you
thats what I can do and I can't
explain why.
My life today
As many of you know
Have certain changes that We cannot change
But it changes ourselves
Into someone we don't like
We all are hurting and yet try to help each other
But way down deep inside darkness lives in us longer.

6
Main / This Is Beautiful
« on: February 28, 2008, 03:32:58 PM »
 Why Women Cry
 A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm a
 woman,' she told him.

 'I don't understand,' he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And
 you never will.'

 Later the little boy asked his father, 'Why does mother seem to cry
 for no reason?'

 'All women cry for no reason,' was all his dad could say.

 The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

 Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,
 'God, why do women cry so easily?'

 God said: When I made the woman she had to be special.

 I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,

 yet gentle enough to give comfort I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children

 I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else
 gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue
 with out complaining.

 I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all
 circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

 I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and
 fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

 I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife,
 but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him
 unfalteringly.

 And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to
 use whenever it is needed.'

 'You see my son,' said God, 'the beauty of a woman is not in the
 clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

 The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the
 doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.'
 

7
Main / someone sent this to me wanted to share
« on: February 20, 2008, 08:55:06 AM »
Went to a party Mom...

(read all the way to the bottom and sign your name)

I went to a party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me
not to drink, Mom,
so I had a sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
that I didn't drink and drive,
though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right.
The party finally ended,
and the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece.
I never knew what was coming, Mom,
something I expected least.

Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
the kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the pa paramedic say,
this girl is going to die.

I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high.
Because he chose to drink and drive,
now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven,
put Mommy's Girl on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive

My breath is getting shorter,
Mom I'm getti n g really scared
These are my final moments,
and I'm so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, 'I love you, Mom!'
So I love you and g ood-by e.


MADD
1-800-GET-MADD (1-800-438-6233)

8
Main / Introducing ourselves -
« on: February 20, 2008, 08:43:05 AM »
Hi my name is Lisa Moody.
I was born and raised in Kauai Hawaii. I have 5 boys and one girl.  Four grandchildren, and one on the way. I am married still to my husband of 20 years.  I love to sing, play outdoor sports, crafting and coordinating events.  I am the mother of Russell Alan Moody Jr.  who passed on July 14, 2006.
My children grew up in Hawaii and also here in the states. My family is pretty close as one can be and very loving. My children -Tony 29, Rock-o 28, Brandon 27, Kalani 26, Russell Boy 24 & Tasha 21.  Russell Boy was the youngest of the boys.

I have been in this forum for about 19 months now and have met such wonderful, caring people.
I just wanted to introduce myself again and thank all of you for your comfort and support through these very difficult times we go through each day.

When our Russell Boy left us it was the hardest thing to face and still is. As my family have been always close with each other we have grown apart for sometime now in our own ways. Trying to forget or just simply afraid of loving each other so much.

I think the most difficult part of losing the one's you love is a hestitation of do we keep loving one another as we always do?  This has become a very real issue in my family.  We don't argue or hate each other we just simply lost this touch of closeness and loving that we once felt when Russell boy was still here.  We are working on it though....  It is very hard.

I spent all my life raising my children to the best of my ability as a Mom and my husband did the same.
It's even harder when you have other siblings that feel such loss also.  I am greatful I have my children.  Our severe lost of Russell Boy has taken a toll on everyone of us in many different ways.
As moms we are always worried about what our children are doing or worried about the bills etc....
One thing I can't fix is their hearts and that hurts the most.
When our children were little it was always said that us as parents will always be there for them through thick or thin times and yet help them heal and make things all better.
We are still fighting obstacles and still going through a lot of changes we have to adjust to.

Sometmes as a parent we feel helpless because there is not a darn thing that you can do to be happy like we were once before.
The lost of Russell boy we know will take time and patience.  But everyday is a new venture for all of us.

I just wanted to chat a little and let you all know that this forum has not just been somewhere to just vent or cry...

But a healing place for me to give me strength each day.  I have not been through any counseling every since Russell boy passed not even took medicated drugs or drink.  I have been sober all this time and facing this as openly as I can. I have been here writting and letting it all out loud.  I also have a journal of Russell boy which that helps me through some very tough times.

I wouldn't say this is easy because it is not.  I just want you all to know that no matter what stages or people can say how bad our grief is.  I always find comfort here in this forum and telling my family about all the wonderful people I met in this forum.  They love to hear about it.

Well I just wanted to share myself and my family.   

Aloha,
Lisa

9
Child Loss / Re: Asking the experts - you
« on: February 19, 2008, 08:15:54 AM »
Hi everyone I have missed coming in here to post had the flu for about 2 weeks.  It was awful. My son just made 19th months with the Lord up above on Feb14.  Yes valentine's Day...  It is hard everyday. When my son passed away he was not living at home but, was living in with his girlfriend and daughter (my granddaughter) Anela she was 2 at that time. Anyway, I pretty much asked for everything he had his clothes, everything.  It was selfish of me at that time because of the setting we were around was just so awful and derranged. Russell girlfiend's mom made me a memory quilt of my son and gave that to me at his service. Until today I have my son's clothes that he got into the accident with in my possession. I have kept this at our boat along with the memory quilt that was given to me and my husband. I could never get rid of anythng I have of him. I also wear my son's earings he had on that night every since he passed. I guess I just felt that I needed him to always be with me all the time and that is how I deal with my grief and emotions.  I don't think it makes it any easier but it comforts me to deal with missng our Russell Boy everyday. My husband and I find that we needed to have our moments at our boat were we could talk, cry and have our feelings of our son in one private setting. It helps and makes both of us feel the need to have somewhere to go and just think of him and talk about him all the memories and present time that we miss him so.

All I'm saying is that we all make our own little world built around our grief and this is mine. I could never get rid of any of his things even saved all his letters from school and awards, recognitions etc.... and when I miss him the most I would open that lid and go through his memories to have some comfort of my boy.  It is a long winding road that we all face and yet no matter if we try to make it better for each other somedays are just unbearable to handle. I wish you all the best and send my hugs to all of you.


http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=7962&page_no=1

Aloha,
Lisa

 

10
Child Loss / Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« on: January 30, 2008, 09:01:13 AM »
I am sorry that we have to come to this conclusion but I use the word passed away or taken sometimes died...

With all  we go through in this journey of grief we should be able to express ourselves in the ways we can deal with the loss of our love ones.

There is no explanation on how we say it or when we have a conversation.  There is no best way to call death itself.

Hugs...
Lisa

11
Main / Re: Missing you
« on: January 28, 2008, 10:47:33 AM »
Lauren,

How well did you touch my deepest thoughts.  Yes I do relate to everything you have said and take that with lots of emotions and wisdom to your words.  It is not my anger that makes me this way...  Its the exhaustion of not being heard while trying to find justice for my son's death.
Yes I believe where Russell boy is that he is safe from all this world destructions we live in and home with God.  There is a lot of history behind Russell boy's death that disturbs my well being.  I have done so much research on how my son's Hit & Run accident has effect not only my family but the unforgiving steps that taunts me.

Your questions:
How are you working off that anger? I pray for strength and I fight for justice for my son's death. Are you writing about it??  Yes,  all the time I have a journal that I write everyday Exercising?? yes I take walks I do hula dancing, I play my imstruments, sing.

Yes it is overwhelming at times like I feel alone in this fight for my son.......

Thank you for all the words of encouragement and it really touched me more than ever.

My cause is to find peace within myself and to find hope again.  and its like I have said sometimes yes I need to breath and take it easy but if I stop noone is there to fight for anything....

this is devasting to all of us, And yes everyone thinks because we are strong that we do not fear, cry or just feel emotions but this is not true sometimes we just lose it.

12
Main / Missing you
« on: January 25, 2008, 11:45:21 AM »
Oh god....

I am trying so hard to be at least normal
But I miss my boy so much.......

Russell Boy you are missed for every single breath and step I make everyday
Today is just very overwhelming right now

I just want to hold you, talk to you....

Just missing you today my dear baby boy....

Been working around the clock to keep busy but sometimes...........

It is a nightmare to even have time to think

No time for normal life
Just living day to day
Trying to make things work as normal as can be
No time for feeling happy sometimes
Anger sits in and destruction begins again

What can I do but come here and write before I loose my mind
The world is changing andyet I am not I linger in this world of unchanged feelings,
I hurt everyday i hurt and hurt and the aching of my heart
sometimes feel like I am dying inside
Oh Russell boy I miss you so

I watch a video of your last physical Xmas with us just to peek at you and hear your voice
made me feel at ease
I need this in order to stay sane watching old videos of you with us and your Daughter
happy moments which I wish was still here with all of us

I miss you my baby boy I miss you.......

Life is not fair and yet we go on
why?  I ask myself why?

Oh god help me find strength today for today it is hitting me hard.......

I feel like crawling under a rock and hiding from this world
This world that keeps on going and yet mine's have stopped forever.

Why God have you made us strong yet this is something that is harder than anything I had to deal with in my life
I can't seem to find peace in  my heart and soul only sadness
Why? Why?

I feel sometimes that I don;t want to be here and yet I know I have to because of my kids
And yet I wish to be with Russell boy

I feel lost in time and feel that he is alone without his family that love him so
I feel afraid for him that he had to leave this world and enter yours without me
Receiving him in my arms like it should have been

Oh god give me strength for this is not a good time right now.....

Lost and confused thats what I feel today I am so lost....


13
Child Loss / Even though you are not here with us
« on: January 24, 2008, 08:23:46 AM »
Life has many trials and tribulations
That one faces with either a strong hold on it
Or just let it eat you up inside out
The trials are not we that question how to handle it
But how we live our lives
Even though you are not here with us

Adjustments filling that void of miss you so much
That emptiness of despair and heartless felt through out our family
It isn't fair and like does go on without the world stopping for your loss
Faces of pain and heartbreaks fill the air in a world of madness and full of hate

What do we do but go on without you...
How?  we don't know how
We take each day and think of you and miss the memories we all had with you

Sometime hiding in your own corner and just thinking
What if a lot more could have been done to still see your smiling face
Your wonderful sense of happiness which once filled my heart
Even though you are not here with us
We still remember all the good things we had will always have in us
Because of you
My life was real, and bearable
Now that you are not a physical part of this world
My heart aches and wishing everyday you were here with us

Even though you are not here with us
I know the struggles of not forgetting but remembering all the good and forget about the bad
But this cannot be done
As hard as i try I can't its there and will froever taunt me for the rest of my life

It was not time for you to have end your precious life this way
Which most of us understand what we go through.

Even though you are not here with us
Our love for you grows stronger each day you are not here....

14
Main / 2nd Christmas without our Russell Boy
« on: December 26, 2007, 09:51:37 AM »
Grieving Nightmare that never ends haunting and taunting the ones you love,
We lost Russell Boy and yet it feels like I have loss all of my children also.
This Holiday season we got together as a family yet it was very hard to be in the same room with each other.
Something was missing and yes the skeleton in your closet thats what we call it
That now we have to face for the rest of  our earthly lives
Will haunt all of us forever.
My daugther has decorated the house and put up a Christmas Tree which was very hard itself to bear for all of us.  We are trying to cope and remember our sweet Russell Boy with good intentional memories.
My children are going through a rough time with alot of the anger and frustration of not having their little brother around.
I can see it in their eyes I can feel it in their souls but yet I am helpless
Because I cannot heal them and tell them everything is going to be alright we will go on
I just feel helpless......

Christmas morning we opened presents and yet feel the emptiness inside the house and in our hearts...
We put on that mask so no one will feel the sadness through the day....
On of my children went to California with his girlfirend for Christmas which made it even more unpleasant. So I called them that afternoon to wish both of them a Merry Christmas.  As I stayed on the phone with my son I asked him if it was okay to sing for them over the phone.  I was all prepared to do this wonderful song so I started singing Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.  As I came upon the second verse I couldn't help but cry and finish the song in tears....  I told myself I wouldn't do that but it just happened..... We said our goodbyes and I hung the phone up in tears I continues to cry outside my front door.....  It was very strange when I told myself I wouldn't do that...
about 5 minutes later the snow began to fall like crazy here in Oregon.  I couldn't believe my eyes as I gazed upon the large flakes falling from the sky.....  I was just amazed! I stopped crying and my kids and my grandkids were having a ball with smiles on their faces playing with the snowflakes that came down that day.....

After while we went to visit friends and more family as the day went by, Stopped at my grnadduaghter's house (Russell Boy's little angel) Anela.  Stayed there for awhile a opened present with her and enjoyed just being there with her for  thta moment.  And finally we did out last stop to visit my baby boy's resting place to say Merry Christmas and to just soend time lighting a candle and just silence.  You know my grand daughter who is 12 years old syas the strangest things to me all the time.  She said grandma as I watched you over at Russell Boy's resting place I saw a vision of Russell Boy standing next to you....  she replied and said Grandmad please don't think I am crazy or seeing things but I saw what I saw Russell Boy right next to you .........  I started crying again and couldn't believe what I just heard......  But it was very emotional and painful at times.....

But we still have another holiday to get through and I pray that the lord will give all of us strength to hold on to the good memories of Russell Boy and help us through the next year to come.

15
Main / Heavenly Merry Christmas Russell Boy! 2nd year in heaven
« on: December 25, 2007, 07:42:58 PM »
Dear Russell,

Today we wish you a hevaenly Christmas with the Lord above.  Please Lord Hug and Kiss our Russell Boy for all of us who miss him so...

Russell today we missed you and will always remember you !!!!!


Love from all of us to you my baby boy!!!

Mom

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