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Messages - jasonkl

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Lisa's Dime Bracelet - Pics!!
« on: April 21, 2013, 09:45:58 PM »
Very nice

Recommended Grief Books / The Grief Club
« on: April 13, 2013, 07:41:01 AM »
I could see myself in a lot of the stories.  It was a very good book.


Spouse, Partner Loss / Update
« on: April 10, 2013, 05:47:57 PM »
Hi everyone,

It has been months. I did not realize time could fly by so fast now. I have done so much and grown so much. My new relationship is going well we have had are ups and downs. But I suppose that would happen with any blended family. The kids are well still have trouble bring my past life and my present together but getting there.

I got a tattoo in Jens memory I will try to post a pick. I also had a quilt made for our son out of Jens cloths. I gave her parents the sheets and blanket she loved. I got the urn charms and put her hair in there for them. Believe it or not the tattoo brought me so much closure. I no longer need to hold on to her belongings. I have been giving things to her family. Something I though I would never be able to do. I never realized how much I kept, him many things of hers I moved. But it was like a very nice man said to me one day it will feel like a weight has been lift from your chest. He was right one day it just all seemed ok. I still miss her everyday. And would do any thing to have her back heathy. But is not to be last wensday was what should have been our 14th wedding anaversery. I went to see her. And for first time I did not cry at her grave. It was nice to be able to remember good things and not just the pain.

For anyone new who is reading this. These changes did not come easy. And the loss of the love of my love has forever changed me. I will never be the same as part of me died with her. But part of her is still alive in me. We are forever conected. I still have my day where I don't believe it is real and wish that I could talk to her one more time. But those thoughts no longer control my day. They no longer bring tears but a smile knowing that I could not have loved her more. That what we had was special and I was lucky enough to have her as my wife. And nothing can take that way from me, not even death.

Gone from my sight but never from my heart. 


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: After effects of Christmas
« on: December 30, 2012, 12:14:40 PM »

We sometimes focus so much on the dates that we forget to same some strength for the days after.  No reason to be sorry we all hurt.  The holidays are hard. Being alone is even harder. You have the Internet you are never alone. I know it doesn't replace physical contact but does help. Try not to be to hard on yourself.


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: New Year
« on: December 30, 2012, 12:05:43 PM »
Thank you John and Jean.

I try to read posts as often as I can but responding does not feel right at times. I am in a diffent place than I was a year ago. I forgot what it was like to be happy. I loved my wife but I realize now it had been years since we had been happy. The picture at the bottom of my posts was the last time we were happy, that was 2009. That also happens to be the last time we went out.  Her issues had taken a toll on our relationship. To be happy again does come at a price. My family does not really support my actions. Buying presents for another woman didn't exactly feel right either. I still bought one for Jen and gave it to her. Also do feel guilty for moving forward with my life. I have a feeling that these feeling may never truly go away either.  But in all I would not want to go back to where I was a year ago. Even with all the complications and strange feelings. This so much better than it was. I hope and pray that all of you can find some from of happiness again.

Always Jason

Spouse, Partner Loss / New Year
« on: December 29, 2012, 03:14:53 PM »
Hi all it been more than a month sense my last post. The season has been very busy. For the first time in almost 5 years I am making plans for the future. When Jen first got hurt we though a few months she would be ok, once it was clear that she would never be the same again everything changed. I stop planing for the future and started just trying to make it through the week. After she passed as you all know it goes to just trying to make through to the next second.  It been a very hard road and I still have my days. I suspect that I will have moments for the rest of my days when something just makes me miss her.

My kids are ok. My oldest Jason is still not ready for where I am at with my grief. He still does not like the way I handled things it going to take years to repair that relationship. God willing I will have the time to do it.

My new relationship is going well. Dare I say I am in love again. Liz makes me happy. Something I never though I could or would find again.  We are making plans for a future together. Still taking things slow but going good. I will try to post more soon.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Ready and Wishing for some Ease
« on: November 13, 2012, 01:38:02 PM »
Chris at this time last year I was at 3 months. And I think if I remember the pain right I had just got the coranor's report which raised more questions than answers. The numbness had just started to ware off.  It got worse before it got better. The advise you have been give here is priceless. It is one second at a time. As they say this will pass.

For now do what you have to do.


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Still Confused and Lost
« on: November 09, 2012, 12:37:28 PM »

Yes I have found some positive in my life.  But I can never forget what it took to get there. All the pain all the suffering. The crying. There are still many parts of my life that are in tremoil. I suspect it will be like that for years to come as I navigate this world in my new shoes. I am still learning who am and how this has changed me. You post as often and anything you wish. As John said if not all at least one of us has been there and done that. And if I may say nothing absolutely nothing on this path has been easy or done with out tears. At least not for me that was the way it was and still is.


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Those in the path of Sandy
« on: November 02, 2012, 12:31:35 PM »
Hi all,

Lost power for 3 days. This was a real test for me. Last time storm came through like this. I had just laid my wife to rest. The day of her service earth quack in the northeast.  That weekend Irene came through had no power for 2 days. Don't remember much from those days other than the world looked as dark as I felt. All I remember is pain. Many nightmares over the last few days. But I'm safe and power is back.


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Memorial service
« on: November 02, 2012, 12:22:49 PM »

I'm sorry for what you had to go through. Family can be so strange. Mine refuses to understand while her welcomes me with open arms. To them I will always be part of the family were as my own feels I should be fine by now. It seems that death changes everything and everyone.


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: telling new people
« on: November 02, 2012, 12:15:08 PM »
Beautiful words and memories. I agree lets us not relive those last days weeks months or for some of us years. Let remember when they walked with us down the beach. The drive by the airport to watch the planes land. To go to river to watch the boats. The time before the pain and sorrow. It is always the little things that in everyday life that have become so special now. They life is full of little monuments that can take your breath away if you stop to notice. I just wish I would have learned that lesson before this.


PS sorry of this high jacks your thread. Not havering a good day today.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Still Confused and Lost
« on: November 02, 2012, 11:59:46 AM »

This by far the hard this I have ever had to go through. Acceptance and peace does not come over night. Even when it does come.  It may not stay. I still have my days when I wake up and wonder where she is. Why haven't I heard from her?  It is all part of the process. This is hard and painful. As other hear could tell you I questioned everything for a long time. I could days with out feeling bad and think it was over then something would happen don't know what and it was like I was back to the beginning again. I feel your pain. Hang in there.


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: We met for lunch :)
« on: October 28, 2012, 07:24:00 AM »
Good for you guys.  I'm glad you had a great time. Lisa is an amazing person. So I can only assume that Jean is too.
We meet so may wonderful people on this journey just wish it was a much different reason.


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: deafening silence
« on: October 27, 2012, 07:00:03 PM »

Thank you if were not for you, this site and all good people I have meet here I don't think I would have made it this far. I would not be as grounded as I am now. You guys saved my life. I will be forever in your dept.

Thank you all


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Two Words
« on: October 26, 2012, 04:51:46 PM »

None of us wants this new normal. All of us would give anything to have our old lives back. For me to wish her back would be to force her back to the pain. It put her back through hell and I would have to watch her suffer again. I love her enough to not want to see her in pain again. And if was that I was able to bring her back all better. Then I would have to deal with the guilt that she may out live me and have to go through the pain that I have and still do feel. Something I would not want to have her feel and now I know she will never have to feel this pain. For me I know her pain is over that she will never hurt again. So if I have to hurt like this so she does have to so be it. The body can be broken our love can not. She is now and forever will be with me.

May you find a moment of peace tonight.


PS. I was told right after I lost my love that acceptance will just come one day. You won't know when or how. But it will feel like a weight has been lifted off your chest. For me I can tell you when or how it happened but it did. It still hurts and some days are still bad, but when it gets bad I just remind my self it is out of love I feel this. Does not take the pain away but I can make me smile while the tears are running down my face. You will get there.

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