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Messages - WendyRN

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Child Loss / Apology
« on: June 22, 2011, 10:14:14 AM »
Retrospect is a funny thing and the distance of time sometimes both clears and muddles things.  I am confused regarding all that happened since my reply to Don's message and the following responses.  However, I have come to realize that I owe Don (hope you are reading) an apology in that my timing in "mouthing off" stank.  Looking back, I should have sent you a private message asking you to re-word so there wouldn't be any confusion.  My biggest regret is that I, in my own fashion of needing to champion the underdog, felt such a strong need to "protect" any parents that may have felt the sting of words that included their "imperfect" child, shot off my reply.............without thinking that Donny's angel date had just passed and that Father's Day was on the way.  Please, Don, accept my profound apology for not thinking that through.  I am so sorry that I caused you further distress.  I would like to extend my apology to all the members here who so clearly have included Don in this tight group, appreciating him for all the good he has done here, and wanting to hold him up when he was feeling so hurt.  In hurting Don, I obviously upset you.  Please know it was unintentional as well (although its clear not all will agree.)

Just to be clear, I do not regret my words.  Only my timing and that I could have sent them to Don privately.  Lesson learned.  I continue to believe in our freedom here to say what we need to say but that certain comments do not belong on a parental grief board.

Like so many, this board has been a saving grace for me.  Where else can we turn to when we need to cry out loud and receive such implicit understanding?  As I'm feeling a bit "thrown overboard", I think I need to move away from here.  Of course there are no adequate words of thanks for all the comfort I have received here but I do thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Wishing you all comfort and peace.  Thinking of our kids, all our kids.

Wendy, Keith's mom (and Scott, Holly and Wade)

Child Loss / Re: So Sorry For Offending Some
« on: June 19, 2011, 09:07:06 PM »
Ouch, Dottie.  Certainly not what I was expecting.  I am in agreement, as I have already stated, that Don has been a very valuable member here and I know that he has taken great comfort in both participating and receiving warmth and encouragement when needed.  I have read and re-read my comment to Don and stand by both my opinion and my right share it.  I don't see it as being a harsh criticism, just a reminder that our children are loved and missed beyond belief.  All of our children. 

Nobody forced Don from this board.

In trying to make sense of this, I have read at different times, of how careful we must all be in choosing our words so as not to make our hurting hearts worse.  I have done my best to abide by that.  I was suggesting that Don's comment was perhaps crossing the line for some.

I am very dissapointed by this turn of events but I will say that this board, for all the wonderful responses I have received to my pleas for help and understanding and my opportunities to feel that I have made even a very small difference at any time........well, lately I guess this site is somewhere I come almost out of habit.  Many of the threads are related to our children's birthdays or angel dates (and I am always so glad that my child too is remembered).  It has changed since I started coming here for comfort.  I suppose its cyclic.  Anyway, I don't care for the reference of "selfish".

Thank you to all who have been there for me when I have needed all the support and love I have always found here.  I guess its now time for me to move on.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: So Sorry For Offending Some
« on: June 18, 2011, 11:54:24 AM »
I also am honest to a fault and so, yes Don, I was offended by your remark.  Making comment on your thread was meant to be mildly reproachful.  I felt that your words were ill-chosen (and could be construed as insensitive) but NEVER MEANT TO BE HURTFUL IN ANY WAY.  Had I been in your company, I would have gently nudged you in the shoulder and whispered, "Careful what you say."

I always attempt to choose both what and how I contribute here carefully but am sure that there have been times that my words have caused upset to someone, somehow.  Drawn to my attention, I would surely have apologized and made note.  Perhaps that is all that was required here.  An "I'm very sorry if I offended, what I meant was........." 
Don, you have been a part of this forum for several years.  As you say, it has given you much comfort.  Although I feel a certain sense of responsibility for reacting to your comment, only you can decide what is best for you.  But I would ask you to reconsider, bereaved parent to bereaved parent.  You are both needed and respected on this site.  You share of yourself and your loss and the small steps forward you have made on this journey and this is of great comfort to those much earlier on in their grief.  As important, is the comfort you receive from being part of this family of parents.  There was no lambasting here.  No shouting.  Just a small reminder that sensitive ears are listening.  No more, no less.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: A Sincere Thank You from Donny and Don
« on: June 14, 2011, 12:50:19 PM »
Don, thinking of you and your son.  Hoping today brings a little peace to your home as life begins to return to the "normal" that we are left with. 

Grief, especially that of a child (no matter what age), is such a harsh and never-ending journey.  The sadness of living beyond the life of our child is, at times, too much to bear...........circumstances notwithstanding.  In my daily life and in my profession as a nurse, I have known many addicted and struggling personalities.  Not one of them ever imagined that life for themself.  I know that most spend their days living with regret, old and new, big and small.  And the families, the do they cope, watching the spiralling down of the child they remember, the child that was nurtured and loved (and still is, unconditionally?)  Each child is as worthy.  Those on this site who have lost their child to addiction or members who suffer the ravages of continuing addiction in their home, understand this. 

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: What do you do on your childs Angelversary?
« on: May 19, 2011, 03:40:02 PM »
It's been over 3 1/2 years since Keith's been gone (August 5, 2007).  The first birthday without him we spent at "the wall"........a cement wall along a basketball court at a local highschool that allows kids to share their graffitti art and where two of his friends painted a mural in his honour.  It really was a piece of art and the video has been viewed over 105,000 times on youtube.  Before the first anniversary, it had been painted over (I cried for days).  Keith was a very social kid/young man, equally at home with his peer group, his extended family, and my husbands and my older friends.  Always ready to share a joke or a story.  Always ready to laugh.  Always ready to be the friend when needed.  And he loved a good party.  The summer before he left us, we had a big, backyard luau and he couldn't wait for the next one.  He was so in his element.  And so that's how we decided to honour him on each anniversary of  his passing.  We have a huge luau and invite a circle of his close friends, his brother and sister's friends, family and a lot of our own friends.  We call it "Keith's Luau" and everybody dresses up.  At some point we take a few minutes to honour Keith's memory and light candles.  His loss is felt deeply and there are, of course, the tears.  Knowing Keith would hate for us to bring down the party, my daughter has started a tradition of playing a song from one of Keith's favourite movies that gets all the kids up singing and dancing (Magic Dance by David Bowie from the movie, Labyrynth.)  We have done this a week or so after the actual date as that is mine and our family's private time.  This year we will do it a couple weeks before and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. 

Preparing for such a big party keeps me busy for weeks before the anniversary and I find that helps me to deal with the burdon of loss and the increasing anxiety we all feel before such dates.

I will be thinking of you both, approaching the five year milestone, always missing and loving your boys.

Wendy, Keith's mom

« on: April 26, 2011, 03:41:07 PM »
Birthday wishes to Adam on his 29th birthday.  Paula, I hope you find a way to take little moments to smile today.......the occasion of his birth, a wonderous moment in time.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: To Taylor on your birthday tomorrow the 23rd
« on: April 26, 2011, 03:34:51 PM »

Thinking of you and your beautiful boy.  Of the earthly separation but the always togetherness.  Always and forever.  Of the love you shared and continue to hold in your heart.  Always and forever.  Of the memories nobody can ever take away.  Always and forever. 

Hope the tears and pain of missing him so intensely on Taylor's very special day ease a little in the coming days/weeks and bring even a small measure of peace to your heart.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: Hi everybody
« on: April 21, 2011, 11:47:53 AM »
Annie, this board doesn't come with responsibilities.  We come here to support and be supported, each in its own turn. 

I'm sorry your obligation to your mother turned out to be nothing you'd hoped.  It sounds like a very hard trip.  I guess we never really give up on our family, even the relationships that just don't work.  And each year brings new lessons learned.  The best we can hope for is that we make the same mistakes less often. 

Hoping you find strength to gather your inner forces once again, knowing Dan is always walking by your side.  And Brian soon comes home to you.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: Checking In
« on: April 10, 2011, 09:17:09 PM »
Rebecca, I hope the day of her naming dawns beautifully and you recognize Jason's spirit amongst his loved ones, welcoming his little niece.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: Confronted Family About Funeral
« on: April 07, 2011, 01:21:26 PM »
I have so many thoughts running round my head about your family situation, I don't know where to start.  What you are having to deal with certainly fits under the category of "complicated grief".  (Not that grief could ever be considered "uncomplicated.")

With the information you've shared, I can only consider your family's behaviour to be abhorent.  It is way past any realm of normal.  Families that are in disarray or have issues between members would still manage to pull together for a funeral - especially of a child - even if its only for that short period of time.  Yard sale?  Pretending not to know?  I cannot fathom these excuses.

Dealing with the loss of a child is almost more than is bearable and we all need support from wherever we can garner it.  I hope you have a circle of close friends that you can lean on.  I sincerely hope that you have good counselling available too because it is going to take some doing to try to understand such a total lack of compassion and respect for your loss.  Please don't worry about the length of any of your postings and feel free to vent away.  You have a very heavy load trying to understand their motivation in the midst of grieving such a heavy loss.  Try to snatch moments just for yourself and your memories of Clayton.  And breathe.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: Lingering or delayed reactions
« on: April 04, 2011, 06:14:21 PM »
Paula, I hear you.  I hear your struggle.  Just don't seem to have very good coping skills myself.  I find myself walking through most days in the fog of just getting to the end...only to wake up and start all over.  I guess trying to keep busy with whatever needs to be done or project I can dream up is my best way of coping.  Shoving the unbearable sideways until I can pull it out, spread it before me, and ask the same old questions - why did this happen and when can I be with him?  (Then tripping the guilt switch that I can't be both with him AND stay with my surviving son and daughter.)

There are 3 things I look forward to annually:  (1) Keith's birthday because its all about him, (2) the day he passed in August as we have a big luau in his honour and the planning keeps me busy for weeks, and (3) once a year I travel to a beautiful rental accommodation with a few best girlfriends.  We share laughter and tears and just hangout together in wonderful companionship.  I get to listen to the problems they are dealing with in their lives and we all offer advice and compassion.  If I have a bitter moment when I think to myself that one of them is whining about something so inconsequential, I can walk away for a few minutes or an hour and regroup.  They just don't know how their kitchen disaster does not compare.  I know they don't think it does, they just don't think sometimes how it sounds.  But none of us have a monopoly on sadness, anger, loss, regret and I am learning to cope better as a listener. 

I guess the day-to-day part of this life is the most difficult and I wish I had advise to offer but I just seem to stumble my way through most and those other days, well, sometimes I am just not really present.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: Sunday Night
« on: April 04, 2011, 05:46:47 PM »
I once read a posting on this site from a mother whose son was discovered to have died after being missing for several days and she wondered if any parents suffered to quite the same extent........the unknowing, the questions of how and why, the circumstances, etc.  I didn't respond at the time but thought to myself that we all, in our own way, live through the hell of not knowing.  Not knowing why our child became ill, not understanding why him or her and not another, wondering if something/anything could have prevented the tragic outcome that leaves us without our child.  Did somebody see something, know something they haven't told?  Why, why, why?  Unless you were witness to the event that took your child's life (hell of its own kind), we all have so many questions.  And some of us have such a strong urge to KNOW.  Even that which we may be better off not knowing. 

What a truly horrific scene for you and your family to come upon.  I'm so sorry that you were witness to the officer's complete lack of skill and compassion.  I don't know if you have the energy to make an official complaint regarding his action and whether or not it would change his handling of witnesses on the next accident scene he attends. 

I always find myself smiling back at Josh's happy face.  A beautiful boy.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: Happy Heavenly Birthday Don
« on: April 02, 2011, 09:28:29 PM »
Happy Birthday, Don.  Stay near your mom.  These dates are so very difficult for those of us left behind. 

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: Happy heavenly birthday Patrick
« on: April 02, 2011, 09:26:42 PM »
Nancy, thinking of your Patrick on his 24th birthday.  Hope you shared some wonderful memories of your son with family and friends.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Child Loss / Re: Days are getting harder
« on: April 02, 2011, 05:02:49 PM »
I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your son, Clayton.  Your loss is so new and the intensity of your emotions, your missing him, are so all encompassing, so completely raw.  I remember some of those feelings but most of the early stage of mourning is lost in a complete fog of pain and disbelief.  I remember the obsessive need of every moment of every day to protect my surviving two children....while at the same time being unable to concentrate on either with my mind filled only with Keith.  And the guilt.  I recognize your feelings of inability to cope and, to some extent, I still have many of those same feelings 3 1/2 years after the loss of my son, Keith.  But it does get easier.  NOBODY could sustain the intensity of the early days, weeks and months.  We learn to put one foot in front of the other and find a way to exist in a world we're not sure we want to be part of anymore.  But we do it.  We learn ways to cope, to care for ourselves.  We let in those family or friends who are willing and able to see us through our worst days. 
You have been dealt the most devastating blow and there is nothing to be done except mourn him, remember him, love him.  Honouring his memory with a video journal is a wonderful idea.  I finished something similar a year ago for my son.  I used a Photodex product to make a beautiful slide show of pictures, captions, and comments left by Keith's many family and friends on his memorial sites.  It was just what I needed to fill my hours and allow  me to dwell on all things Keith.  I spent hundreds of hours on what wound up being about a 1 1/2 hour production.

Your last post regarding your family's utter lack of anything resembling human totally inconceivable to me.  I have had some issues, of course, with different family members and "forever friends", but they pale in comparison to what you describe.  I am just so sorry you must deal with an emotional storm from family when you are filled to capacity with your loss of Clayton.  I hope you are able to find some clinical support for your grief.  As yet I have been unable to trust someone to HEAR me and have a tendency to keep it bottled and my emotions sometimes just explode out of me.  I keep saying I'm going to go, going to try.....try to find better ways of coping when it seems impossible.

Wishing you moments of peace on such a long and difficult journey.

Wendy, Keith's mom

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