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Messages - Kim- Matthew's Mom

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Child Loss / Hello all
« on: January 28, 2009, 10:06:13 AM »
I have not posted in such a long time and I am glad to see everyone is still here....It so nice to be able to come to this site and see the familiar and catch up on what is going on with everyone.

I am saddend by the new faces....That means so many more children are lost to us...My prayers go out to each of you.

I have been very busy with my new grandbaby and she has helped fill some of the emptiness in my life since the death of Matt... I have found new reasons to  laugh again....

I wish everyone well and again it is so good to touch base and feel safe and warm and that is what each of you do for me.....Thanks for that.....

Child Loss / Re: Article-Their Room Without Them
« on: March 20, 2008, 07:56:38 AM »
Thanks for sharing this....

I had to clear out Matt's room just a few months ago when we had to make room for my grandbaby.  See my daughter is only 17 so they are both living with me and I also have a 9 year old son and only 3 bedrooms.  I did not want to put the baby in with my daughter if I could bring my self to the point of giving my younger son his big brothers room.  When I finally convienced myself I could do it my youngest son was so sweet.  He told me he wanted the room left the way Matt left it.  He wanted to use his furniture and all.  Thay way all I had to do was pack his things.  I choose to do it by myself.  It was a very difficult day for me.  It is very true about the smell and the touch of the fabric.  It brought back so many memories of Matt that day.

I could not bring myself to give any of it away.  I even boxed up receipts from purchases he had made at local stores.  I know that seems silly but it was just the thought of it being something he thought was important to him at the time.

April 19 will be 4 years and some days it is so raw and others it is softer and I can remember him and smile.

Thanks again for sharing.

Child Loss / New Grandbaby
« on: March 18, 2008, 08:56:49 AM »
I know I have been gone for a while.   My daughter had her baby on December 27th and boy have we been busy.....   I sure hope evey one has been well and I hope the holidays were kind to you.

I miss coming to the board as often as I used to.  I just stay so busy now.  We are coming up on Matt's 4th anniversay of his death....It just does not seem possible.  I still think about him many times every day.  I was so afraid that with time I would forget things however I think my determination not to forget has made his memory so much stronger.

I want to share a picture of my new grandbaby with each of you and I hope each of you find a blessing in each day.


Child Loss / Hello
« on: December 07, 2007, 01:36:37 PM »

I just wanted to drop in and say hello to everyone.  I know I have not posted in a while however I have stopped in and read the posts.  It is sad to see the new names.  So much pain in the posts I am glad you have found this place there are people here that can offer you a shoulder and an ear to help you through.  This site has been a life line for me since Matt's death.

I am going to be a grandmother soon, my daughter is due Jan. 1, 2008 so we are excited about the new life that is coming into our family.  I think for the first time since Matt's death I can truly say I am looking forward to something.

I want to wish everyone a Happy Holiday season and my each of you find some peace during this time.  Please know that I think of and pray for you often.

Matt's mom forerver......

Child Loss / Re: June Birthday and Angel Dates
« on: June 01, 2007, 10:49:56 AM »

Thank you for all of your kind words.  Matthew's birthday is June 23rd.  He would have turned 21 this year. I just can't beleive that I will be the mother of a 21 year old.  I can only imagine how excited he would have been to have reached this age.  Matt died just weeks before his 18th birthday.  He was so looking forward to turning 18.  He just knew that 18 was such a magical number.  He imagined that 18 meant adulthood.  I can only imagine what he would have thought about 21.  Oh well one day I will get to see him again and hopefully we will be able to talk all about it. 

I too want to wish peace to all of those who have special dates this month.  These dates seem to hold so many memories.  May your child give you a message of pease and a feeling of their presence during this time.

God Bless.

I have been on anti-depressants for the last 3 years and I still have to have help sleeping at night as well.  I like so many others have to work as well as have others who depend on me.  I loved the way somene put it "God has not finished his plan with me".  As horrible as this new life can be the medication does seem to help me cope.  I agree it is not for everyone we all have to choose our own paths.  This is a road of pain and uncertainty for all of us and we will learn as we go what is the best way for us to make it through the days we have left here on this earth.

I am so thankful that I can come to this place and read daily and share when I have a need with such a wonderful group of people who truly understand how I feel.  This group has truly been my salvation over the last 3 years. 

Child Loss / 3 years today
« on: April 19, 2007, 05:50:41 AM »
It has been 3 years today since you left your earthly home and it still seems as thogh it were yesterday.  The pain has softend some but still ever so deep and intense when I stop and and remember this awful day in 2004.

Matthew please know that you are loved and missed by all and we are looking forward to the day when we are all together again.  Please keep watch over us and let us know from time to time that you are there.

Love Mom.

Child Loss / Re: Is it wrong?
« on: March 05, 2007, 01:53:01 PM »
So many have responded just as I will there is not a wrong way to deal with the memories of our precious children.  I have been fortunate in the fact that I have not had to change Matthew's room much.  I did go in and clean up a bit just the trash and such.  I still have not washed the dirty laundry and it has been almost three years.  My son worked for a local food chain that served chicken so you can imagine that it is not the most pleasant smell but it is the smell he left behind among other wonderful memories.  I have kept small peicies of paper that he doodled on just have a glimpse of his hand writings.  I have left all of his dresser drawers just as they were.  It gives me a place to go that I can feel close to him from time to time.

This may sound weird but Matt had the room over the garage and I always knew he was home when I saw the light on in his room.  Lately my younger son has been going into Matt's room to visit and I will be out and about and I will pull into the drive and the light will be on and for a breif moment  all seems right with the world and then the reality sets back in.  Oh how I wish......

You do what you need to do and you smell what you need to smell for as long as you need to.

Child Loss / Do You Ever (caution)
« on: March 05, 2007, 09:27:19 AM »
Do you ever have a time when you are just sitting there and all of a sudden you are transported back in time to that moment when you were in that room or place where you last saw your child.  Lately I have had those moments so often.  I can be doing fine or so I think and all of a sudden I am back in that hoppital room with Matt just lying there.  I seem to remeber every detail, every horrible but beautiful detail.  Those were some of the last moments I saw him on this earth.  They seem to bring so much pain but somehow I can't seem to get past thme. 

I just seem to be struggling so much more these days.  I do not know if it is because we are approaching the 3 year mark and all the shock is gone and the full reality has hit.  It has been 3 years since I heard his voice or seen him smile.  I know that so many of you know exactaly what I feel. 

Family and friends seem to go weary of the story and I try to hide my pain and it seems to help them cope.  It does not ease my pain but I just do not know of any other way to deal with others than to wear a mask during the day and cry in the shower and in the dark of night.

Thanks for listening you guys have been such a rock for me over the past three years and I appreciate you all dearly.  I think of you and your children daily and I remember each of you in my prayers.

My God bless and keep you all of your days and may you find peace.

Child Loss / Trying to put this on the calendar.
« on: March 02, 2007, 12:35:45 PM »
Aril 19 , 2004  Matthew Sapp 3 Years- I can not beleive it has been three years.  I miss you so much. 

Child Loss / Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: February 26, 2007, 02:40:53 PM »
Matthew Ryan Sapp  Born June 23, 1986.

I was so young when Matt came into my life.  He and I grew up together.  For the first 4 years of his life it was just he and I against the world...with the help of my family of course.  He was everything to me.

 He was a very smart child but did not want to apply himself to things that bored him and that mostly meant school work.  I remember one chanllenge my father gave to Matt.  This was after a quarter of school where he had failed a couple of classes.  My Dad told him he said " Son if you can make straigh A's I will pay you $100 for every A.  But you have to make all A's."  And I want you to know the kid pulled out 6 A's the next quarter and made $600 from my Dad.  He was always doing things that I knew he could do but he would only do them when he wanted to.  He was such a artist.  He could draw anything he wanted.  I was alway amazed at the talent he had.

Matt was always a favorite with the girls.  He always had plenty of girls after him all of the time.  He only had one girl that captured his heart though.  Her name was Amanda.  The dated for the last 4 years of his life. 

The weekend before he died was very special.  Things just happened that were out of the ordinary for our family.  On Sunday, Matt died on Monday,  Matt went with his sister and younger brother and I to a local retail store and then we ate lunch.  We bought a new board game called mouse trap.  We we returned home Matt sat in the living room with his sister and brother and built this game and played it.  On a regular day Matt would have been to busy for his 12 year old sister and 5 year old brother but not that day.  Then on Monday I just happend to be home from work that day having dental work done so when he came home from school I was able to see him and say I love you one more time.  I did not see hime alive again after that.

I think this was God giving us a wonderful last memory.

On April 19, 2004 Matt was working at a job he had only had for 3 weeks when the owner of the business had asked if he could give is daughter also an employee a ride home that night from work.  Matt had just received a Honda Civic that afternoon so of couse he was more that happy to show it off to someone.  On theri way home Matt lost control of his car in a curve and over corrected himself and threw the car into the path of an oncoming truck.  Natalie was killed instantly and Matt died 2 hours and 45 minutes later.

We received a phone call from one of Matt friends that there had been a teriible accident and Matt had been taken to the hospital and that was all of the information we had.  We traveled to our local hospital only to find out he had been taken to a trama center 25 miles away.

When we arrived at the hospital they had not identified Matt and they showed me his cell phone and asked me if I could identify him.  My response was why can't he tell you who he is and they were very vague with the details of his condtition.  At that moment the man who was driving the truck that hit them came running into the ER with a small child and he had blood on his clothes and I will never be able to get the look on his face out of my head.  He knew that Natalie was gone and he knew the shape my son was in and I had no idea.

They took us into this room and began to tell me things like we are trying to stabalize him and control the bleeding.  After about 30 minutes they said that had him stabalized and then about 20 minutes after that they came back and said things that I do not even remeber except they began with HE HAD which to me meant past tense.  That meant my baby boy was gone. 

I began to scream and I could feel myself screaming but I could not hear myself.  All of his friends that were gathered in the waiting room all said I scared them to death but they all knew exactaly what it meant.

On April 19, 2004 my life changed forever and I will never be the same.

Child Loss / JOHN- Thank You
« on: February 26, 2007, 07:34:15 AM »
John I just wanted to say thank you for lighting a candle on Matthew's Memorial page.  You have no idea how perfect your timing was.  My birthday was Thursday Feb. 22 and I was already in that place missing my son and that meant so much to me that you would visit him and light a candle during that time and not even know how much of a blessing you were.  Just to know that someone one else was thinking about him then also just means so much to me.  Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart and God bless. 

Child Loss / Re: Birthdays & Angel Days
« on: February 21, 2007, 12:25:09 PM »
Matthew's Birthday June 23, 1986

Matthew'sAngel Date April 19,2004

Child Loss / Thought I would share
« on: December 21, 2006, 12:13:49 PM »
I am finally figuring out some of this picture thing.  I thought I would share a picture of my family.  This is My husband and my daughter and son and of course I am the one trying to hide in the back.

Child Loss / Re: Do you believe?
« on: December 19, 2006, 08:05:50 AM »
God promises life everlasting if we are born again of water and spirt.  I know that Matt was born again and that I am born again so I have all the confidence in the word of God that I will be with him again and we will be reunited soon in Heaven.  I hold on every day waiting for the sound of the trumpet so that I  and the rest of my family may go home.

I sometimes hope it comes before I suffer any more grief in this world...I hope that is not wrong


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