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Messages - Niss

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Main / Re: Too Much Going On/I want to feel again!!!
« on: August 25, 2008, 05:06:58 PM »
I totally emphathize with you, maryluvskevin. I lost my mom July 28th, 2007. She, too was cremated. I had to identify her body before they would take it to the place to be cremated. I still have visions of my dear mother laying on that stretcher in nothing but a hospital gown. I have yet to go to her and my stepfather's house. He has her ashes there, and I cannot stand the thought of going there and her not being there. It does get better slowly. I have had sleepless nights, but not like when she first passed.

Main / really missing her
« on: August 23, 2008, 08:25:29 AM »
I am really missing my mom this week. She was, despite all the negative, my best friend. I have lost the one person I could talk to and be open and honest with about everything.
We found out that there is like a 90% chance that my husband is going to be out of a job come january 1st. And more than likely we will lose our house because we cannot maintain all of our bills with unemployment. :(
And on top of this, one of my mom's cousins committed suicide this week.
I just feel like i am in a tailspin. Emotionally, I am doing ok, but not sure for how much longer.....

Main / Re: Thought I was doing ok....
« on: July 19, 2008, 01:54:13 PM »
Just wanted to give you all an update...

First off, thanks for all of your care, concern and comments....It helps knowing that there are others out there who feel this way from time to time.

Danielle Elizabeth joined our family July 1st at 4:16 pm. She weighed in at 6lbs 2oz and was 20 1/4" long. She has a head full of beautiful black hair and wonderful blue eyes!

I had a mini breakdown very early on in my labor when I was really missing my mom...but other than that one time, I have been okay. I am really worried about the next week and a half. Her death date is coming up, and her side of the family is having a reunion the day before she died. I know I will probably be a mess those two days. I have really been tring to keep it together because I know that there is really no one else able to take care of my girls. My husband is back to work, and since we don't know for how long, I have told him not to take off.

And to top all this off, my mother in law had to have emergency surgery last weekend, and we were informed yesterday, that had she waited another 24 hours, she would have died....and we lost my step-dad's grandfather last week as well. I am really beginning to not like July. Well, except for my daughter's birth and my husbands birthday are both in july. Other than that, not a good month for me!

Main / Thought I was doing ok....
« on: June 23, 2008, 02:04:10 PM »
So, as many of you know, I lost my mom the end of last July, and found out I was pregnant about three months later. I am a week away from my induction date (I have gestational diabetes, so they are inducing me) and it's all hitting me. I am realizing that my mom will not be there physically at least for the birth of my daughter, and that she will not get to see her or hold her. I have cried myself to sleep every night since finding out the date of my induction. With my first daughter, I was so excited and ready at this point, and with this one I feel like i have no energy and nothing is ready....I don't have the baby's room ready or the house. I feel like I have very little for the baby (partly due to my husband being laid off  off and on for the last four months). And then I find out my dad will probably not be there for the birth either....he is a physician and is scheduled to work at an urgent care that day...I feel like no one in my family will be there...I had been doing so good with mom's passing for the last few months....I made it through so many firsts and was okay, I thought the worst was over....not that I don't miss her terribly, but I was coming to terms with her not being here for holiday's and birthdays....but this is a once in a life time thing!!!!

Sorry to write a novel on here, but I feel like I am all alone right now....I am scared to go through this without my mom there! It feels better just getting this all poor husband thinks I am a wreck because all I do is cry at night...I am so worried about bills and his job and everything right now. I was doing ok when he got called back to work, but he only went back for 3 weeks and is laid back off for a month and come september, might not have a job at all. I have prayed so hard for a light at the end of the tunnel, but that tunnel seems to grow longer every day.


« on: June 10, 2008, 03:54:42 PM »
I have always been very interested in psychics, ghosts, spirits....the whole nine yards. I really want to meet with one and ask some questions about my mom and grandma, especially.

Someone else before mentioned a numbers corrilation. My mom always had a thing with number corrilations. My sister was born on 12-8 weighing 8lbs and 8 oz. I was born on 11-6 weighing 6lbs and 7oz. My daughter was born 4-20-2004. My mom and her second husband were married on 9-3-94. And the real mom died on 7-28-07 at 7:28 and my step father joke and say that was her final thing for us!


Main / Re: Mom's been gone 2 months today.
« on: February 07, 2008, 06:31:31 PM »
I know the pain you feel. I, too am only 27 and lost my mom the end of july 2007. Three months later I found out I was pregnant, and all I could do was cry because I could not call my mom and tell her she was going to be a grandma again. My mom had been sick for a while too, but spent the last 5 months in a nursing home. It is a hard adjustment. That is such a beautiful story your friend told you. It shows how much your mother loved you. The big days will be hard. When you get married and when you have kids will be some of the most emotionally challenging days for you, but you will also have her looking over you as you go on your journey through life. Just know that you are not alone in the world, although at times it will feel that way. Many of us on here know what you are feeling and can offer an ear and a shoulder to cry on when you need it.

Main / Re: I should be happy....
« on: February 07, 2008, 06:20:09 PM »
Thank you so much for your beautiful words. She pretty much was my best friend. We spoke five to six days a week. We lived only about an hour apart, but we did not see each other that often for several reasons (mainly because I did not want my daughter around her while she was drinking so my daughter would not remember her that way). I sometimes get signs from her when I put my daughter to bed, and right after she passed, there would be butterflies around me anytime I went outside. I am looking forward to the spring to see if they return. Actually, I believe she had something to do with me finally getting pregnant....we found out just days before my first birthday without her. My husband teased me and said as bull-headed as she was, she probably went right to god and demanded that I find out right around my birthday, kinda like her final present to me.

I read your story about Landon, and I cried. You are such a strong woman. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to lose a child. My mom lost two only about a year and a half apart due to premature births, both were boys. Just remember that your ex will have to answer to God on why he is not around for his other children.

Main / Re: I should be happy....
« on: February 06, 2008, 06:09:20 PM »
Thank you all for the warm wishes!

I know I haven't been on in a very long time. I just wanted to give everyone an update. I am now 18 weeks pregnant. We will find out the baby's sex on feb. 15. I am excited, but also sad. I am really struggling with my mom's death now. It has been just over 6 months since she passed, and I still find myself crying anytime I think of her. I have kept close contact with her husband, and I know he is struggling too. I just feel so alone in the world right now. Everyone around me thinks I should be "over it", but how do you ever get over losing your mom? ??? I guess I thought that it would not hit me this hard six months after....I had known for some time that she wasn't going to be alive much I have said before she was an alcholic and I knew her time was limited. I told my husband on the day that my 3 1/2 year old was born that she would not live long enough to see my daughter's 5th birthday....she didn't see her 4th.

I am really struggling emotionally with this pregnancy. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes so severly that I was put on insulin within days of being diagnosed. I have an entorage of drs. that I see every two weeks between my regular ob group and my specialist group. I am not sleeping well for so many reasons. But at least the baby seems to be doing well and growing as it should. I just really miss having my mom around to call and complain  ;) to about all the aches and pains and ask advise on names to nursery colors.....I just am really missing her!

Main / Re: Grandson's Wedding
« on: November 07, 2007, 08:59:59 PM »
My prayers will be with you on Friday. Your husband would want you to go and enjoy yourself and to think back to your wedding and to your childrens weddings. He will be with you that day. My grandmother passed almost a year before my wedding and it was a very hard day for me because she helped raise me. But I took comfort in knowing that she was looking down on me. I don't know if you have ever heard "holes in the floor of heaven" it is a country song that talks about a girl getting married after her mom passes and how it began to rain and it was her moms tears of joy for the daughter. something to the effect of " there are holes in the floor of heaven, and her tears were flowing down. thats how you know shes watching wishing she could be here now" It rained on my wedding day and I always thought it was my grandma crying for me...I hope this brings you comfort and I will pray for rain!  ;)

Main / I should be happy....
« on: November 03, 2007, 07:22:11 PM »
Okay, so I got the greatest news in the world today....I found out I am finally pregnant! (we have been trying for almost a year) But all I could do was cry. My mom would have been one of the people I called tonight, and I can't call and tell her. My birthday is Tuesday and her three month angel date was the 28th. My hubby had surgery on the 29th. I am a wreck right now for so many reasons. I just want my mom! She was supposted to be here for the birth of my children. She was here for my daughter's birth, and I really want her here for this one too. I know she is with me in spirit, but it's just not the same. She really wanted me to have another child. She knew about our problems with getting pregnant the whole time she was in the hospital and nursing home. I just miss her so much. Especially with thanksgiving and christmas around the corner. :'(

Sorry if I seem like I am rambling....I just feel like I don't know which way to turn! ???


Main / Re: Mother
« on: October 23, 2007, 04:12:09 PM »
Welcome, unfortunately, to our little corner of the world. This is one group that I never wanted to join, but am so glad that I found this site. Initiation is tough! It will be like nothing ever experienced before, like a rollercoaster gone out of control and jumped the tracks. I have been told that once you get past all that, you learn so much about yourself from the experience, but I am still too new on this ride. Please feel free to share your journey with us, and allow us to throw you a rope when you feel like you are at the end of yours.

Main / Re: An odd question??
« on: October 19, 2007, 03:48:19 PM »
I had to post to this topic. I had a really bad day about a month after my mom passed. My three year old got lip stick all over my brand new quilt and I was just beside myself because my mom would have been who I called for advice. Well, after crying for a few min, I went online and found what would work. I loaded my daughter up in my van and turned on the van and the radio....."When I get where I'm going" started as I turned on the radio. When that song ended there was a breif moment of dead air and then the song " I've had my moments" Both of these songs were played at my mom's service. (My mom was an alcoholic and although she never got to hear the last song, I told her the lyrics and she cried and said she wanted me to think of her when I heard that song, that she wasn't always this way.) I just sat in the car and bawled my eyes out. :'(  I know it was her telling me that she was there and that everything would be okay. I still cry everytime I tell this story.
Like you, I often if I will ever have that dream where she comes to me. My grandmother passed away in 2002 and I still have not dreampt of her. :-\ I know in my heart that they are better now, but I think that I need to see them even if it is only by a dream.....


Main / Re: lil "messages" from mom
« on: October 18, 2007, 06:48:00 PM »
My mom sends butterflies. The week before she died there were butterflies outside my front door every single time I opened it. I have always felt that this was her way of saying that she will always be here with me. We had a family reunion about a month after my mom passed and there was a butterfly that kept circling the yard. And even though the weather started cooling off, I still see butterflies anytime I am outside.

Main / Re: Lost my mother unexpectedly two weeks ago today
« on: October 04, 2007, 11:05:04 PM »
Dearest Sadcat,
My heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your mom. It is extremely hard to lose your mom, especially so suddenly. My mom passed away the end of July of this year. She entered the hospital the middle of march and went from the hospital to a nursing home. You have had a very hard few years. You are not only grieving the loss of your mom, but the loss of your parent's lives after your father was attacked. Their lives were changed dramatically, and the horrible person who did it hurt so much more than your father. As for your children, be fortunate that they were able to know your mother. My daughter is only 3 and will probably not remember much if anything about my mom. Kids are pretty strong. They will grieve, and they will understand why mommy is sad. Please know that there are several of us out here who understand and feel the same kind of pain you do. It is very easy to feel all alone after losing your mother. Just know that we are here if you need us.


Main / Re: Missing my mom tonight
« on: September 21, 2007, 11:07:07 PM »
I am so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away not quite two months ago and tonight was a very rough night for me as well. It's weird how it just kinda creeps up on you. I was doing ok then watched a movie with my hubby and had to get up and walk away because I was crying so bad. I wish I could tell you how to lessen the pain, but alas nothing seems to work.
I hope your days get a little brighter.

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