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Messages - kelly37

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Main / Re: Resignation
« on: February 02, 2008, 12:02:21 PM »
PLEASE don't leave us here   :'( have been such an inspiration to me & others from what I've read!  I'm not exactly sure the whole story here but when I saw Resignation w/your name, I had to check it out! You are a wonderful person & the responses on the other boards were rude  >:(  but it is not your fault!  You were just giving Brl an idea where to go!  I have lost a FATHER & a BROTHER in 5 years time-----so no one can say I don't feel the pain of loosing loved ones.  My mother has lost her only SON & HUSBAND so she also knows the pain & I've watched her go through that miserable journey.  I feel we are all in a boat together here---we shouldn't be firing missiles at each other!  You were just trying to help-You know that! My theory is the good ole "If you have nothing nice to say; then don't say it at all". 

Your kind words to me throughout the journey of my healing here have lifted me on days I was so lonely & sad!  You've encouraged me to keep my faith & to realize sometimes things don't work like we want them but we've got to keep going forwards!  I want to be the one to say to you---It's another bump in the road of life but keep going here with us!

I've never met you but I feel connected to you.....Feel my arms wrap around you & give you the biggest hug!!!! 

Your friend,

Main / Re: Who am I without him???
« on: January 31, 2008, 08:37:55 AM »
Daddy's #1,
I also lost my father in Aug of 06. I can't believe it has been a year and a half. I miss him dearly. Life is no longer the same w/o him. I lost him tragically in a motorcycle accident; he was 65. I was the baby of the family & my wedding song w/my dad was "Daddy's Little Girl". It makes me sick to this day. I feel your pain. I lost my brother to a motorcycle accident also in '01 & I grew close w/my dad since that time. So we had 5 great years together; thank God!!! We didn't always see eye to eye prior to the death of my brother but we made up in the 5 years after! He was at my house all the time w/his Harley. I didn't agree that he drove that everywhere, but he loved it so I let it be. My mom rode w/him just to make him happy! She was in the accident too but somehow survived!  I never thought this would happen to my family again  :'(

I spent 18 days by my dad's side in a trauma center! I am forever scarred of that scene. He, too, was my hero & so strong. I don't know what happened. He was alert & oriented when I went up to be w/him after the accident; he knew what happened. He wanted to know where & how mom was.  I'm thankful I got to say I love you before surgery that night for his broken legs----but he never woke up! I stood by his side, holding his hand, telling him daily things---just waiting for him to wake up! Lately I can't sleep. I'm having hard nights.....I replay the whole 18 days over & over in my head. The look on my dad's face before surgery & then to watch him slowly slip away! I was in denial---I wanted him so badly to come back!!!!

It's not fair! I'm angry as all get out!! I put my family on the back burner for those 18 days b/c I was certain he'd wake up!  But he didn't! I miss him every day. I miss his laugh; my kids miss their grandpa; I miss the roar of his bike pulling in my driveway; I miss his phone calls----Everything!!!

So I totally know where you are coming from! Hang in there...we all will get through this day by day. If it wasn't for this site, I don't know what would've happened to my feelings. I thank everyone here for listening to me!


Main / Re: Loss of Mom going on 4 months ago
« on: January 22, 2008, 12:53:02 PM »
Hi! We have both suffered the loss of a parent & I just want to say welcome to this site.  I found it almost 1 year after loosing my dad & wish I'd found it sooner!

I lost my dad in August 06! It was a tragic motorcycle accident that hospitalized both him &  my mom.  My mom came home, however, my dad didn't! I watched him suffer 18 days & it was horrible. Visions in my head that I know will never go away! I can relive those days like it was yesterday---it wasn't expected & nothing could have prepared me for those days in the hospital.  My dad was a healthy 65 year old man getting ready to enjoy his retirement but it all changed in a split second.

You are still very fresh in the grieving process! Your emotions are expected & it's just a part of the process. I still to this day can cry so hard  missing my dad! It comes from nowhere. My mom has since moved closer to me & we talk several times a day but we're always missing that piece---that piece of my dad.

It will get easier as days go on...somehow you manage to go on whether it be for your family or yourself----you will get through this.  Please come here often. It's full of people who understand & have been there. I have great support here at home too & wonderful friends---but none of them have lost a parent/sibling & they don't understand my frustration! Here everyone encourages & supports feelings that have to be let out!


Main / Re: Asking for prayers
« on: January 21, 2008, 07:48:01 AM »
No that was not insensitive of you to say that -- There are so many wonderful people on here & it's hard to keep track sometimes   :)

I just wanted you to know that your writing helps other people get through some tough days!  To just know we aren't in this alone.....

Thanks again

Main / Re: Asking for prayers
« on: January 20, 2008, 07:36:25 PM »

Thanks for your thoughts! I have posted to you a couple times before as I have read many of your posts. Many times I will sit there & cry w/you as I read them. I feel we have a lot in common w/our loss! The words you express are exactly how I feel! I lost a part of me when I lost my dad! Many hugs to you. Thanks

Main / Re: Asking for prayers
« on: January 17, 2008, 02:17:07 PM »
Hi everyone! Thanks for your support here! It just makes me feel a whole lot better coming here & hearing responses & encouragement!!! 

We have known about my nieces anorexia for some time now. She has been getting a lot of help for a couple months.  My sister started getting calls from her cheering coaches, teachers, neighbors, friends about her weight loss in the fall & my sister has had her to doctors & different people for a while now. They see a therapist, has had tons of blood work, she gets regular weigh ins/BMI's, sees doctors & a wellness center for this disorder. They are on top of things! 

All the things I was told yesterday were new to me as we live 2 hrs away from them & we didn't know everything was so serious.  She was very thin looking at Christmas but she ate; so she put on a show for us I guess. I was told that Lil had been out of school now for awhile & on activity restriction.  It was just really rough week & my sister was getting bad news from docs saying she is going to be hospitalized if she lost anymore weight. 

Well yesterday was her first day back to school & it sounds like Lil had a good day; my sister was nervous about how it was going to go.

She said Lili had a good day yesterday, came home in a good mood.  My sister was scared how kids would treat her & how Lil would react to that.  But she came home & said Lil said she felt more like herself & was more talkative!!! It was progress! She said they watched Richard Simmons talk on his anorexia & he said it came down to 4 words "I am worth it" & my sister made my niece repeat this! Maybe it sunk in. My sister also said she thinks the doc put fear in Lil (which is what she needed). I know the doc was mean for a good reason!

I hope for nothing but progress for my dear niece.  I appreciate all your prayers & responses!!!  Thank you!  Please continue to keep us in your thoughts/prayers as we have a long rode ahead of us!


Main / Re: Loss of my Husband
« on: January 16, 2008, 04:18:50 PM »

Hugs to you & Sarah! I have a similar story to share w/you. I have not lost my husband but I have lost a brother & my father---both to motorcycle accidents 5 years apart!  I watched my brother's wife struggle, try to work, finish a house, raise children & have a newborn baby!

My brother was 37 at the time of his accident! He was killed at the scene. He & his wife were building their house also & they had quite a few bumps along the way w/things not getting done or done wrong.  My brother did a few things to build the house himself & he never got to see the finished product! A few weeks before his accident, he finished digging the area for a huge pond in their front yard & he also never got to see it filled w/water like he had dreamed!  Instead my sister in law filled it w/dirt shortly after he died b/c she didn't want to take care of it!
To top it all off, he left behind 2 daughers and never go to meet his son! His wife was about 34 weeks pregnant when he died; it was the son he always wanted! The baby was born via c-sec just 3 weeks after his death & I was the one to go in w/her! My brother's showing was on my mom's birthday, the funeral on the 4th of July and his b-day was July 16! Then his son's birth on July 27th!

I felt so bad for her, being a widow so young, his children he left behind. My brother sounds a lot like your husband. He always did special things for his youngest daughter---he spoiled her. Took her to school on his motorcycle, tried to make her the boy he always wanted (before his wife was pregnant w/their son), she was his side-kick!!! It was so hard for her. She was 8 at the time of his death & it was hard for her to learn to grieve & talk about him!

I just want to give you hope that it will take time for you & Sarah! It was a long, hard road but my sister in law (she has never remarried, she still comes to our get togethers) and niece have made it! They are strong, beautiful people! My nephew never got to meet his daddy so we are all he knows!  Then I lost my father in 8/06 & the pain started all over for us again! All these people who watched my dad loose his son & the pain he endured now have to go through all the feelings again!

My thoughts are with you & Sarah!  Come here often & talk to us when you want to. It's an awesome place & we all understand in some way or another! 

If I could recommend any type of advice to you, it would be to encourage Sarah to talk about her feelings! Give her the space she needs but also offer support. I know my niece may have benefited from a counseling program for kids who loose parents.  Maybe that is something you could look into.  I feel my niece didn't do that enough b/c she was younger & I really feel that is the way to go on--to learn to talk about the deceased one & keep them w/you! 

Take it one day at a time!

Main / Asking for prayers
« on: January 16, 2008, 07:36:01 AM »
I'm really down in the dumps right now. My heart is aching & my faith is going to be tested once again!!!

My sister just e-mailed me & my niece who is 16 yrs old is not doing well at all! She has been diagnosed w/anorexia which we knew for a couple months now. But my sister informed me that yesterday the doc was quite mean & said she could pass out w/any activity as her heart rate is running in the 40's & she is on all activity restriction! She is a beautiful girl--- once-athletic, once-strong cheerleader! She is now banned from competition in FL next month due to being so ill right now! My sister has informed me it's pretty serious & wants to know if God is playing a cruel joke on our family?

Then she asked me to pray for her & then she said "that's reminiscent of dad & we all know where that went".  Well I had a break down. I don't think it was meant the way I took it but it was like a knife in the heart! All the memories came back of how hard I prayed for my dad those 18 days & he died!  I'm shaking as I type this & I'm so scared for my niece!  Maybe even more scared that my prayers didn't work for my dad, I'm angry again & feel God just doesn't listen to me or my family!!!  I feel guilty all over & my heart is racing!!  Where do we go from here?

The doctors have said she endured the loss of 2 grandpa's in 1 year & this is her way of dealing w/it! 

I'm just asking for some help! We CANNOT take another loss!!! Loosing a father & brother was more than enough for us!!!  Please pray for my niece that she gets stronger & healthy! I'm scared to pray for anything as it never goes my way!

Thank you everyone!

Main / Re: What's wrong w/these people
« on: January 03, 2008, 05:24:51 PM »
Oh Crushed!

Thanks for the apology---I really just wanted to explain myself  ;)....sometimes when I get on this site to vent, I feel I just vent too much about my problems ::).  So when I go back to read what I have submitted, it doesn't sound at all what I'm trying to say! 

I can see where what I wrote may have sounded like I was being self-centered & teaching my children to be disrespectful to their only grandpa    :o  That's not at all the message I was trying to send :-[

Thanks!  Have a great night! 

Main / Re: What's wrong w/these people
« on: January 03, 2008, 10:27:03 AM »
Jazzgirl you are so right! I too probably was like that before loosing my brother & dad! But I got woke up the hard way!  But you'd also think that any family  member who knows my loss would have had the "reality check" kick in & they would start appreciating the ones we have left, wouldn't ya? Whatever I just don't & won't get I live w/it!

With my FIL being 75 you'd think he'd be glad to be alive, loving life, loving people but that's just not him I guess! 

Crushed: I guess I gave you the wrong impression of my story! Let me re-phrase it somewhat: I was just venting about a small issue I had w/my FIL this holiday! Like you said he is a stuffed shirt!  And by no means is my husband in the middle! We don't argue over it & his father's attitude doesn't stop us from doing "family" functions w/his side.  Actually we both get a kick out of it afterwards on the way home--- talking about his reaction to things the kids did or even something we did to tork him!  He knows how his dad is, always has been so it's nothing new to him.  I also didn't promote my daughter calling him that ("old man jenkins") the time she did it & nor does she call him that on a regular basis---I should've corrected myself---it was 1 time at the dinner table where it came out of no where!  Like I said where she came up w/that I don't know!?!?!  It was one of those "funny things kid say" moments b/c she was only 5 at the time! Now she is 7 & it has never been repeated! We don't encourage that kind of behavior!  I was so angry over his reactions to all the family being together this Christmas (how lucky he is to have that) & I brought up an old story while venting only to show that a small child sees his behavior!

Anyway, Happy New Year to everyone! 

Sibling Loss / Re: Finally claimed my loss
« on: January 02, 2008, 09:00:50 AM »
Danis Sis,
I too believe I put a mask on for the loss of my brother 6 years ago.  When he died, I thought I had to fill his shoes & be my dad's best friend. I can't say what I felt for my mom---I guess I figured she had my dad but I needed to be the one for my dad.  I believe I accomplished that goal & became my dad's true daughter. We grew closer than we'd ever been in our lives those 5 years but then I lost him in a motorcycle accident on July 22---he died 18 days later in a trauma unit.  I then had to put on another mask for my mom this time.  I'll say it again & again---no one can understand how we feel unless they too have experienced the same loss!

When I lost my brother, I screamed on my hands & knees.  He was my big brother, my protector.  I never thought I'd deal with it.  Oddly enough, days go on & I was healing.  He came to me in a dream about 2 yrs after his death, & said "I'm okay".  He hugged me & walked into a fog! From that day on, I was okay too.  So after finally being able to deal w/that, I loose my dad & the process starts all over again!

I admire your words of "claiming your loss".  You do need time to deal with it yourself! I hope you take all the time you need!  Some of my closest friends ignore what I've been through & to me that's alright.  They don't understand as they've not experienced my losses!  But let no one tell me "I've accepted" my loss or I will let them see that I have not!  Keeping it all inside is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I let it out when & where I feel it's appropriate for me (whether it be in the shower, driving, or falling asleep)---take care of yourself!!

Sibling Loss / Re: Lost my father & my sister
« on: January 02, 2008, 08:52:10 AM »
Rosie O
I too share a similar loss with you.  I lost my brother 6 years ago in a motorcycle accident.  5 years later, I loose my dad to the same thing!!  Life is not fair & the pain is still there!  Memories are all I have & sometimes the thoughts are painful. I remember their faces, their smiles, their smells & memories are supposed to brings smiles....but to me they bring tears & heart ache!! I want my dad & brother here w/us.  I look at family pics of happy times & see everything I took for granted. I try not to take anything for granted these days b/c you never know what tomorrow brings!

I was "adjusting" to the loss of my brother also when an accident then took my dad! I do believe I have post traumatic stress disorder now due to what I've been through! I watched my dad slowly fade from me in a hospital bed for 18 days. That itself is very traumatizing to a 36 yr old who is the "baby" of the family. My mom was in another room across the hall from my dad in ICU as she too was in the accident -- all I could think was my brother is dead, my sister was out of state who do I call for help?---I wasn't supposed to be talking to drs & nurses about my parents care on that beautiful summer day!!  I have visions of what I went through up at that hospital & every once in a while I see little times I talked to him before surgery & how "normal" he appeared. Then he went away for that surgery & never came back to us!  I see the fear in my dad's eyes as he was wheeled to surgery--I should've hugged him more & kissed his cheek again. I want it all back.

It all sickens me to think of it! My gut aches, my heart hurts, my head hurts....everything is so unfair!  My kids' uncle & grandpa will never see them play sports, dance, graduate, get married etc....It's just not fair!

You are still fresh in the grieving process!  Give yourself some time to adjust. I can say from my own experience life will never be the same but time will slowly heal the ache.  You will be able to smile again someday & then there will be days when it's fresh & you'll cry!  Please come often & share more stories of them when you're ready.  We're here to  listen....
Take care of yourself,

Main / What's wrong w/these people
« on: January 02, 2008, 08:40:11 AM »
Happy New Year Everyone! May this year bring us all peace in some sort of healing way!

I just want to vent a little about my inlaws!!! I know this is terrible & believe me my husband heard it first!  Let me give you a quick mind thought of my father-in-law: he is a retired, college professor who will not smile if his life depended on it. I know he means well & this is just his stature but c'mon he has everything! My daughter calls him "old man jenkins" & wherever she got that from I don't know?  I must say I have to laugh b/c he is a tough nut to crack.  She's 7 y.o. & the first time she called him that I busted up laughing. There was no better day than the day she let gas pass on his lap---he about threw her on the floor.  He said that was not appropriate.  She & I both started laughing but he didn't think it was one bit funny.  You have to understand that she always did that to my dad & he got a kick out of her. He'd tell her she had the worst smelling/loudest gas & he'd try to beat her w/his own! (are you laughing yet mom? :)   But when she did it to the other grandpa once my dad was no longer here, it wasn't so funny! 

Anyways during this holiday season I got so fed up w/him that he turned me into a scrooge when we celebrated Christmas! It wasn't even anything that he said but his actions.  He gets frustrated when the grandkids get rowdy or loud. He has no patience or tolerance to noise. His pants are on a little too tight if ya know what I mean! Sometimes I just want to scream at him "you are all my kids have--lighten up!"  I just want to shake him & say "wake up & smell the flowers".  He has his health at 75 yrs old, his wife, his kids & their spouses & grandkids!  It's not like this is anything new & I should be used to it but after what I've been through (loosing my brother & dad) I just don't get it.

Some people have everything! They have big, happy families & they're still angry about something! I'd do anything to have my brother & dad here w/me & my family! And to see people like my father in law who have it all----just torks my jaw!On New Year's Eve my mother in law asked us to come over & celebrate & I told her straight up "No" b/c grandpa is miserable & I don't need to be around people like that.  This is the first time I've every told her how I feel about him. I'm miserable enough w/my own inner problems & to be around him just puts a damper on the holiday cheer.  So before supper she said grace & added "And may the RG family find peace this year"! I was shocked from that & gave them all the dirtiest look!!! Yes maybe I do need to find peace but they just don't get it! Maybe they understand death & I don't, maybe they think I'm nuts, maybe they haven't lost anyone yet to feel the many maybe's.  They know I'm hurt & still grieving--why can't they put a show on for me?  My husband thinks I'm crazy feeling this way but I always tell him life's too short to spend it w/people like that! 

My whole point to this is----why are people so blind? To have your entire family happy & healthy is a blessing; don't take it for granted!!!  Enjoy your quality time w/everyone & smile!  These little grandkids aren't going to be kids forever!  All I can say is when my kids have kids---I'm going to love my grandkids like no one else & I'm going to play with them every moment I get! 

Happy New Year! :)

Main / Re: Christmas in Heaven
« on: December 17, 2007, 05:09:28 PM »
I love this poem!  My sister actually bought the ornament for our families when my brother died in '01.  It was a very emotional reading.  I remember my dad reading it at Thanksgiving that year holding back tears.....

Who would've ever guessed that 5 years later, I'd be hanging the ornament on my tree & not only hanging it in memory of my brother but my dad too!?  Still shocking to say!  Life is so unpredictable!

Holiday hugs,

Sibling Loss / Re: Sharing a dream
« on: December 16, 2007, 11:49:17 AM »

Awesome dream. I'm so happy for you!  I too had a dream about my brother about 2 years after his death.  He's been gone 6 years now.  Oddly enough, it is very similar to yours. He was happy & handsome as ever. We hugged & he just said "I'm okay". Then he turned & vanished into a fog.  It gave me so much peace the next morning & I still carry it to this day. 

Now I'm waiting on a visit from my dad! It would be the best present ever!


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