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Messages - Ayee

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Main / Re: Am I making myself sadder?
« on: March 08, 2009, 06:52:01 PM »
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I haven't felt down like that in some time and I think it threw me for a loop. I still feel guilty that I am supposed to be an adult and I still cry about my parents. People always assume that after a year you're over it. Maybe I always will be a little sad on occasions and that's OK. It'll have to be right?

You all are right, I should learn to step back and take care of me. I guess I don't like feeling helpless so I want to do something. Again thank you for listening and sending me positivity. Hope you all are well.

Main / Am I making myself sadder?
« on: March 07, 2009, 12:35:57 PM »
Hi all. I wonder if anyone knows if anniversaries will always be bad. I know that grief takes time and that it varies. But has anyone just woken up on their loved ones birthday and not felt bad.

I find that I have isolated some people or that they feel uncomfortable when I am feeling down. At this point I have death anniversaries, birthdays and holidays evenly spread through the year. So when my mom first died I was really sad around her birthday, holidays and the d-day. But now that my dad is gone I am sad all year round. There seem to be triggers everywhere. I'm not sad everyday, but just during those big occasions.

My dad died in 07 a week before I went back to grad school. I finished school full time. completed a year long internship and worked full time. It was probably the most miserable I have ever been. I did not have time to grieve, I had so much to do. But now I am finished school nearly a year and back to working normally and feel like he just died. I forget sometimes that he and mom are gone. The idea that I am parentless feels foreign. I haven't moved his clothes out. I haven't even had them placed in their urns. Instead of me telling my friends how down I am I just get very moody and really mean to my upbeat friends.

On top of this my aunt had a stroke and is dying on a ventilator and my family is expecting me to be the social worker to oversee arrangements. I try to explain that my dad died like this and I can't handle seeing that. I had flashbacks and nightmares about my parents' deaths after I last saw her.

 I see a wonderful therapist who says this is normal but I just want this to be over. I want to be a normal 27 year old and not a Debby Downer.

-Sorry this is so long.  :-\-

Main / Re: A motherless daughter
« on: June 16, 2008, 01:46:12 AM »
I can also remember the panic feeling you describe. The "I want to crawl out of my skin, or I want to be anywhere but here feeling. Funny how it's been three years since my mom died and it takes now for me to realize I was panicking. As everyone has said it comes and goes. You have experienced a trauma and you may just be swinging in and out of shock. During the first few months or year many people function in partial denial. It's normal just like it's normal to feel like you've been gut punched. I can kind of relate to how you are feeling. I was in my early twenties when my I lost my mom to an aortic aneurysm May 2005 and my dad to a massive stroke Aug 2007. Both were in their fifties.

Unfortunately this may be the time to see which people are able to be good friends. Grief makes us a little more sensitive to snubs. I was intially overwhlemed by all of the offers I got but had not energy or thought to call anyone. The main thing that helped me was this message board. The day after my mom died I googled "my mom died" and have been looking at this site since. Just venting to other people who understand may help if you feel that your friends and loved ones are not able to listen.

My main advice would be to be kind to yourself. Don't try to rush through anything or believe that your actions and emotions are innappropriate. You have lost a huge piece of your being. One cannot imagine what the feels like until it happens. My heart goes out to you...

Main / Re: Anger and depression - counselling
« on: January 14, 2008, 04:10:00 PM »
Hi cenfath79,
To answer your question, counseling can be beneficial. I lost my mom 2 years ago and my dad this August. I started seeing my current therapist a few months before my dad died and it has helped me to cope. I don't know if it's that nurturing support or that the second time around isn't so bad. However, you need someone who will understand you or just listen. It is normal to still have those bad days. I don't know if this applies to you but sometimes I feel orphaned and feel foolish because I am 26. However it is a real feeling that can further deepen your depression. Just having a place to express this has lifted a weight off of me. I have a safe place that I can share why my mood is crappy without having my feelings be ignored or making others uncomfortable.  Also talking to someone may also allow you to rejoin with your friends. I hope this helps. Forgive me if I am biased as I am a therapast too :). Take care,

Main / Re: Faltering Support Systems (cleaning house)
« on: September 26, 2007, 06:06:01 PM »
Hi all,
Yesterday my oldest brother and I found out that my middle brother has been forging checks in my dad's account. My oldest brother went to the court of wills to tie up loose ends and was asked why checks were being written by a dead man. They believed he was committing fraud! All to find out that my middle brother began forging the checks the day after my father was placed on the ventillator.  More checks were written later and one was even signed a week after his death!. We confronted him and he continued to lie and gave conflicting stories.

He has always been this way and his actions are not out of character. However the thing that hurst most is that he did this when we thought we were united. We live together and he has be lying about this for over a month. I don;t want to believe that my parents raise such trash but my God! Why?! How could someone forge checks and care more about money than their dying father? How could you steal money from his account after he died repeatedly?! My oldest brother won't kick him out and says he can't cut ties with him. I say that if he does something this despicable now what will he do later? My oldest brother does not believe that he intended to hurt us, but I say that at 31 he shoudl know better and be held accountable. I want to press charges. I love my brother so much but I hate him. He has never been respectful to my parents and even had the nerve to call my father a coward minutes before I took him into the hospital. He is selfish, self centered, and a habitual liar. I don't want to be near him or speak to him and hate his guts. I don;t like feeling this way but how else can I be after he has treated our family horribly for years and holds as emotional hostages? Sorry for the long rambling post. I just need to get it out her rather than have a screaming match. Thanks for listening.

Main / Re: Ayee
« on: September 22, 2007, 12:45:06 PM »
Hi Crushed. I have been pretty busy.  I can't believe a month has passed since my dad died.  I have been trying to focus on school, work and my internship. I caught a nasty coldand haven't been able to shake it. It mmight be due to me not sleeping well for a month.  Thank you so much for your kind words and concerns. I read and reread everything that you all have written to me. It has given me some great perspective and comfort. I spoke to my boyfriend and things are much better. I think people don't know what to say to you when you lose someone. He had never lost anyone and has already helped me with my mother's death.  I found the courage to tell him how I felt and that I just needed support.  Anywho enough of me. How are you? I hope you and everyone here is well. Later,

Main / Faltering Support Systems (cleaning house)
« on: September 03, 2007, 11:28:22 AM »
Have you realised that the persons you expected to be supportive aren't, but people you were so close to are now your greatest supporters? Right now I am reeling from losing both of my parents.  When my parents lost their own parents they had spouses.  Well my mother lost her mother at nineteen and unmarried.  But I don't really have people who understand how I feel. 

I have a boyfriend but he isn't really that supportive. We started dating a 4 months after my mother died.  We have been together for 2 years.  We had communication problems before but now when I need him the most he doesn;t call or answer his phone. I know that he has a life and works but I feel he should be here for me.  He came down and stayed with me last week while I was planning the memorial service.  But then he said he was leaving.  He didn't even ask when my dad's service was and I feel he did not plan to attend.  He said that he thought it was only for family so he did not ask. He did come but soon I became tired of him and just wanted him to leave I am not angry just disappointed and hurt that he has not stepped up to the plate. 

When I  took my dad into the hospital I called him and he did not answer.  From 7:30p to 2:30a I was in the hospital er with my dad no call. The next day he called me very late and said he was busy when he saw I called and figured he would call me the next day. My dad could have died that night.  I heard from him off and on during the week.  My father put on a ventillator and we were told he had a nother stroke that was massive and I called him for support. No answer.  When my dad died that Sunday I called him so many times and he did not call me back until very late that night. When he came down he was not supportive and kept trying to get things to be normal.

I know they say that you should not make huge decisions during this time but I am so ready cut him loose.  I understand that death is uncomfortable but if you care about a person you should be support right? Should I also mention that when we were friends he did not make it to my mother's funeral because he waited until the last minute to catch a train and then wanted me to pick him up at the station as the wake was starting!  Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Main / Re: How am I supposed to be?
« on: August 28, 2007, 06:36:00 PM »
Thanks a lot for responding.  I feel everyone understands here. Thanks for the hugs.  I returned to work today and my boss hugged me.  That was my breaking point. I sobbed in the bathroom in the corner for twenty minutes. I was so tired I started class today. I am so worried I won't be able to concentrate but I know I have to pace myself. One day at a time. I am trying to find something to occupy my time but right now I can't even sleep. Luckily my job is understanding if I can't make it in tomorrow or the remainder of this week. My next goal may be to try to sleep.  But then I cry even with my eyes closed and I replay things. 

I want this to be over. I want this to be a distant pain. I made a mix cd of all of my dad's favorite songs and played them at his service. I listened to it on the way to work and some songs made me smile and others I had to switch because I felt I was going to cry. Why is that? Well thanks for listening and I hope you all are well. I will heed your advice and hope you guys take your own. Take care,

Main / How am I supposed to be?
« on: August 28, 2007, 02:25:13 AM »
So I lost my dad last Sunday and it's been two years since I lost my mom.  I know that the scenario sucks but why do people pity me? Maybe pity is the wrong word and I know that they are concerned or unsure of how to comfort me. I just get taken aback when people say they are surprised at how well I am doing.  Don't they realize that inside I am dying?  That yes I feel relieved that my father is not ill and with my mother but that I miss him so much it hurts. I haven't really cried since last Sunday but that is becuase I had things to do.  I had to plan the service cook, clean, make the arrangements, talk to relatives, comfort others.  Who has time to wallow? I am so sad but I have to keep living. 

The other day I had some down time and told my boyfriend my life sucks and he asked me why.  WHY??!!! I am 26 both my parents are dead and people twice my age still have theirs. All of my friends have their parents. My own family has no words to comfort me or my brothers. I have spent the last ten years of my life worrying about my parents' health.  I have a stressfull job, and fulltime grad school, and a new internship and needy brothers.  Plus I lost two of my best friends (my parents) who will not be there to see me graduate or have babies or get married so yes I feel crappy.  I want to feel free to be sad but I look up and there is something else to do.  I start school today and return to work today.  All I want to do and is cut off the lights ans sleep away the next decade. 

I felt horrible because I had to pick up my dad's cremains today. I put him in the passenger seat and felt so sad because I will never see him there again. No more trips to wherever we feel. No more jokes. No more dad. Just venting thanks.

Main / Re: I'm an orphan now
« on: August 28, 2007, 02:10:11 AM »
My father's memorial service was this past saturday.  My borthers and I planned it and veryone said it went well. I felt so unprepared. I forgot what I had written and really wanted to share it.  I had to wing it and spoke from the heart but would like someone to hear what I had thought out. I hope you guys don't mind. Here is what I miss about my dad.

My Dad
The last time I truly saw my father was last Thursday.  I came into his hospital room and he was on the bed. His eyes lit up when he saw me.  He smiled and said, “I was waiting for you.”  How a simple greeting made me feel so special.  That is what I will miss.  Genuineness.  That’s what you could count on from my dad.  So when you felt special it was the real thing. Maybe because I am a daddy’s girl but I always felt special to my dad.  I’m sure you all have a funny story about him. You have heard about some of his antics and heard us vent about him.  But with that always was acceptance and love.
So many things about him will be missed. I could create an infinite list but I don’t need to.  Any person who has known him, met him, or met his wife and children will understand.  He believed he was unremarkable that he was doing what any person would do.  That’s what made him remarkable. He was stubborn, opinionated, but courteous, generous and kind.  I am thankful for those qualities and the sense of humor I inherited from him.  I credit him with guiding me to social work. I have witnessed my father give the coat off his back to a neighbor who needed it. He spoke to every person with respect regardless of his or her status. Neighborhood kids loved him and would run to our home to have cuts cleaned by my dad.  Even the daycare students next door knew my dad less than a month after we moved in.

If one were to marvel at these qualities he would reply that anyone would do the same. I know this is not true.  My father did not measure his worth by the quantity of friends but the quality.  Many times he has told me “I have few friends but they are good friends.” How blessed am I to have been raised by parents who stressed the character of a person rather than their status or abilities. This in turn challenged us to improve our own actions and relationships with others.

If it weren’t for my father I don’t believe I could have made it through these two years.  It seems that it is so easy for families to drift away after a tragedy.  We stayed together and followed my father’s lead.  While we felt tremendous pain I know he felt it deeper. While people told us we were strong I know that he was stronger. To lose his best friend and wife of 33 years and still comfort his children and family is strength I see in few.   My father felt the pain of losing his wife, his children losing their mother, and friends losing a friend.  Through this he could still hold me while I cried for someone we desperately wanted back. 
   I posted a photo of my mother on our family website the other year.  My father added the caption, “my friend for 37 years, my wife for 33 years, my children’s mother for 32 years, my hearts delight forever.”  His children share every emotion in that statement about our mother and him.  For 34 years he was a father, protector, provider, encourager, advisor, conscience, and a friend.
I will miss our daily talks, our commentary about politics, or our rides to nowhere in particular.  I will miss his laugh, his jokes, his childhood stories and his hug.  I will miss him recounting his first date with my mom and him bickering with her over flipping channels.  But mostly I will miss the being called “Squirt” or “Pie”.  I know that when the time comes and I cross to the other side I will see those eyes, that smile, and hear his voice say, “We were waiting for you.”


Main / Re: lost my mommy, my best friend
« on: August 20, 2007, 10:11:27 PM »
My mom died suddenly as well May 7, 2005. I found this board and any support ot be helpful during the first few months.  At first I would cry everyday multiple times and then it tapered off.  Soon it was just on Sundays or when I saw something sentimental that reminded me of her.  But sometimes it will just hit you and it's ok to be sad and cry.  Never let anyone make you believe you should be over this.  I found that when the weather was similar to the day my mom died that I got sad.  It happened at work one day and the only thing I could say was I have to go. I was crying and my boss asked if it was the anniversary of the death but it wasn't. Grief isn't cut and dry and  no one can tell another how they should feel or what is appropriate. But as some one said the hole with get smaller but will always be there.  Sending a hug your way.

Main / Re: I'm an orphan now
« on: August 20, 2007, 10:02:04 PM »
Thank you so much to all who have repsonded. My father passed away Sunday in the morning.  So I am thankful that my brothers and I did not have to decide to pull life support.  I felt that he was gone before we were called.  I felt some peace.  But it sucks and I feel sad and I want to be happy for him but sometimes I can't. I feel like I want to be any place but where I am like I want to crawl out of my skin.  I want to shout that it's not fair though I know I was lucky enough to have awesome parents. I just want it to be two years from now and to not cry everyday. I want to wake up and have my parents back or be able to accept that that reality has changed.  Some days I wake up and forget my mom is dead.  Today I forgot my dad died until I saw his empty bed.  My heart hurts. I hate the condolence calls. I wish this would end.

Main / I'm an orphan now
« on: August 18, 2007, 02:20:20 PM »
I haven't written here in some time. My mother passed away May 7th 2005 from an aneurism.  I was 23 then. Since then my father has been a wreck.  He had already had heart attacks, diabetes and a triple bypass before the age of 55. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure the September 2005. He had another stroke last weekend and has been in the hospital since then.  Thursday he was doing great writing again talking walking around and joking. Then the call came that night and a long story short he had a massive stroke Thursday night. Since then he has been unconscious on the ventillator.  This morning the doctors told us that his brain was swelling and that he may not make it through tonight. Because he is young, 58 they said there was little room for the swelling to go so that is why it was so severe.

Since my mom died, my dad and I became even closer.  We were very good friend much like my mom and I.  While he had issues, (dringking and smoking) he was a good person.  He misssed my mom so much.  They had been married for 33 years after dating for 4 years.  Everyday he missed her.  I have faith that he will be back with her.  The hard part now is waiting and then the days and weeks after.  I remember how it was with my mom and I don't know how I got through.  I start school aging in August and a three day a week internship.  I hope I can cope.  It is tough because I am feeling scared and crappy and my mom and dad aren't here.  How do I get through today.

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