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Topics - jazzgirl

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Suicide Loss / still feeling the pain 6 years later
« on: August 01, 2012, 11:28:22 PM »
My brother took his life Jan. 1 2006 and had 2 boys he left behind. His oldest is now 15 and is very bitter towards us (my brothers side). It breaks my heart to feel his pain. He was only 8 when his dad took his life and under therapist opinion, it was said to just tell him he was very sick. He later found out the truth and now completely blames us for lying to him. We all do not live in the same town with him and he is feeling like we have abandoned him. It just breaks my heart. This has truly struck a pain within my family and has made us very angry at my brother for taking his life. He has left us with such a mess to clean up and I truly hate him for that. I will always love my brother but how Selfish!! I miss him so much and I hate that all this time has gone by and I feel like I am forgetting his voice. His 2 sons remind me so much of him. His oldest son has made it very clear lately that he just hates being compared to his dad. I just hate having to deal with all of this when this all could have been avoided!

Suicide Loss / loss brother to suicide
« on: October 20, 2010, 05:23:20 AM »
Hey guys... Its been a very long time since I have been here. Jason died Jan. 1 2006. It's almost been 5 years and something triggered my memory of him lying there in the casket cold and lifeless. It has brought the memory back and I can't get the vision out of my head. I go to sleep and it's the 1st thing I see when I close my eyes. I wake up and it's the  1st thought I have. I am right back to crying consistently to where my eyes feel like they are going to fall out. He hung himself and I can still see the bruising he had around his neck in the casket. I hate that this much time has passed and I have come so far and accepted the fact that he has gone, but yet all it takes is something someone says to make me fall right back into  that darkness of tears and sadness. I miss him so much and get so mad because he took his own life and could have still been here with us if he wasn't so damned selfish. He is missing out on so much!! His boys are getting so big and they look so much like him. My sister had twins he will never be able to meet. My kids are missing him so much. They will mention him out of the blue too. They will say how much they miss him and how he was their favorite uncle. I hate that we will never be able to have cook outs together and watch our kids grow up together. Thank goodness that since time has passed, the mothers of his 2 kids are letting my parents see the boys and take them on trips to visit so we get to spend time with them. It was hell on earth when he 1st passed away. Unfortunately, the youngest boy really doesn't even know his father. He was only 1 when Jason died.  He knows who we are, but I don't think understands why we are in his life. His mother had remarried 6 months after Jason died and had another child instantly, so that is pretty much what he remembers. Now they are divorced and it's very ugly.  I cant imagine facing what she has had to face in the last 5 years. She found my brother in her back  yard. The older boy is 12 now. He was 8 when Jason died. We get to see him 1 or 2 times a year. That's not too bad. I'm thankful for whatever we get.

Main / Missing my brother
« on: April 27, 2008, 02:05:09 PM »
It's been awhile since I have been on here. I lost my brother January 1st of 2006 to suicide. It's been over 2 years now and I've come to terms with his death, but lately, I've just been crying out for him. I miss him so much. I feel like we were cheated on a life together enjoying b-day parties and cook outs together with our kids. It just seems like it is just so unfair. It is hard for me to enjoy life because I miss him so much. He was only 1 1/2 years older than me so we lived our whole life together. I turn 33 in June and I just ache cause he never made it that far. He was only 32 for a month. He has 2 sons from different marriages and things are finally turning around for us on that matter. It was quite the struggle though. His older boy, who is turning 11, has been really struggling with everthing lately. It wasn't till recently that he found out how  really died. Lately, he's been feeling like it is his fault. My heart just breaks when I hear that because I don't know how to stress to him that he was by far his best friend. He had custody of him for 5 years and I can honestly say that those were the best times of his life. I have to say I am very blessed to know his mother is finally coming around and making an effort to make this work with both families thanks to my brothers son pressing the issue. My parents are starting to get him 1 week out of the month and 1 month out of the year. That's excellent news. She even invited me to his b-day party next weekend. I thought that was a big step for her. I'm not able to go, but my husband is going to take them. My parents still see the youngest son once a week. The 2nd wife has been very flexible and calls back and communicates well. It's just hard to be around her though cuz it's hard for me to except her new family. She remarried 5 months after she found my brother and she was pregnant as well and he has 2 kids of his own so when she comes around, it's her and her new husband (when there not fighting) and all 4 kids. I absolutely adore all of their kids though. I was just with my parents and they all came over their house and my parents have a pic. of her and my brother with his 2 boys, and it was hard to look down and see what became of it all. It's all just so unreal. My brother was married to her when he did this. Her marriage now is rocky too. She's taking him to court for child support cuz they are suppose to be divorcing, but they are on good terms right now and he is staying with her, but she is still going thru with the court stuff. Weird, huh? O well. I'm just happy to be hanging out with my 2 nephews. Hanging out with his oldest son reminds me of the times I hung out with my brother when we were younger. I swear, they are just alike. I know I've wrote alot and I'll stop for now. It's just been on my mind lately and I know this site always has been my life line with dealing with this grief that never seems to end.

Main / Having a bad day!!
« on: January 30, 2008, 11:26:42 PM »
Just set a my space page last week and have contacted old buddies from high school 15 yrs. ago. Catching up on old times, but having to re-live what happened again with my brother. This girlfriend of mine was friends with my brother also. Found out both wives have pages. His 2nd wife has hers set to private, along with her new husband, who is also set to private. Ugly sayings in their quotes to get back at each other. All about hurting each other. In other words, a lot of drama. 1st wife has page. Has her and her girlfriends and a few pics of kids. Saw a pic of Tyler and I cried for and hour straight. He's only 10 and he looks so sad and alone. I can see the sadness in his eyes. Even my kids, 6 and 4, standing behind me told me he looks different. I just wish I could reach thru this computer and hug him and tell him it will be ok. Hate that this has tore him up so bad. I sent a friend request to his mother. I know she won't except me as a friend, but I feel at least I put myself out there so maybe she can show Tyler the pics of the kids on my space. He's in there as well. I know for sure he would love seeing that. I know it won't be long before he figures it all out and will find me. Can't wait for that day!! I will so be there with open arms!!! Just hope no drugs are involved before reaching him. He doesn't look real good in the pics I saw on her my space. Just worried bout his well being. My parents got to take him to the skating rink last week. Had a real good time. Dad said today he feels like he has to make the most of every time he gets with him cuz he doesn't know when the last time will be. They are suppose to be moving to Tennessee or something like that in Feb. I got to see him on Jan. 6 and got some great pics and videos. It was soooooo good to see him, even if "UNDER SUPERVISION" !!! They can supervise all they want. My life is an open book!! Hate seeing him suffer. Hurts so bad inside. Wish there was something I can do. I miss my brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Main / Gotta hear this song!!
« on: December 29, 2007, 07:45:57 AM »
Hey guys. Just thought this song was too good to pass by without sharing. I don't know how to bring the song to you, so I will give the websight for you to go to the song.

Please take the time to look this sight up. It is just a beautiful song. You won't be sorry! Hope you all enjoy your holidays1!

Main / Merry Christmas From Heaven
« on: December 19, 2007, 11:02:05 AM »
I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind yoiu
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in His grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You don't have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
In a new special way

I love you all dearly
now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year

Copyright 1990, John Wm. Mooney Jr.

Main / a glimar of hope
« on: December 09, 2007, 02:00:00 PM »
Hey guys. Just wanted to share some good news for a change. I talked to my brothers 2nd wife today and we are going to my nephews 3rd b-day party on Sat. We can't stay for the whole b-day party because I have to drive back to go to work, but Tyler is coming to the b-day party too. We haven't seen him since March. I wasn't going to go to the b-day party because I have to work Sat. night at 6 and the party is at 2 and it is a 2 1/2 hr. drive, but she said she was trying to throw me a hint here that I just wan't taking and I asked what did she mean by that. She told me she invited Tyler and didn't say anything about me coming so that I could see him and the kids could see him. Then I told her I would drive down Friday night and just come to the party early and leave early. I told her I hope she doesn't screw things up with her seeing Tyler. She seems to be confident that it will be ok. Who knows though. 

She just filed the papers for divorce with her new husband and he put in his papers that she needs to be psychologically evaluated and is bi-polar and is a bad mother. When she told me he did that, I just told her he sounds like he is just fighting back from all the nasty things she said about him.  Seeing this all unfold 1st hand just confirms why my brother hung himself. He would never have mentally been able to handle a 2nd nasty divorce. I told my parents that I don't look at Jason's death as a suicide. I look at it like God rescued him. It's just too weird how events on the night before took place. My parents were suppose to be going on a camping trip that weekend and had gotten into an accident and totaled their camper. They still came to a campground and stayed in a log cabin outside of town. My sister, who always came over their house, even when sick, would not come over because she was too sick to get off of the couch. He begged her to come over. Offered her money, food, diapers, whatever she wanted he offered just to try to get her over there and she wouldn't come. The last 3 calls he made were 1st to my sister, who was to sick to get to the phone, my husband, and me, but those calls never came thru to our phone. They were all called around 5-6 a.m. New Years Day.  The preacher at his funeral made the comment that if God didn't want him to go yet, he would have stopped it. He is absolutely right about that.

Jen, the 2nd wife, told me her friend, who is friends with my brother too, was saying she remembers a time when Jason was over there and he told them that he would wake Jen up early just to piss her off because he knew 1 way or another he was going to be in the dog house so he may as well make it worth while and in the end, he would get make up sex so it was a win win situation. I just started laughing because that just validated what I have said all along. My brother may have only lived 32 years, but he made sure to make the best of his life no matter what situation he was in.  I just try to think about what his life would have been like if he went on divorcing Jen like he wanted too. I don't see him as being able to be happy again.

We are hoping to get Tyler for Christmas in Jan. for a little bit while my sister is in town, but Jen doesn't seem to hopeful on that. Danielle, his 1st wife, is just determined to make sure I never see Tyler again. She is only going to damage Tyler even more than he already is and that is going to come back on her. They are all planning on moving to Tennessee area where her husbands family is. I'm just curious to know how that is all going to work because his family can not stand her and she doesn't know anyone there, which is how she met up with her husband. My brother and her moved to Georgia away from everyone and she couldn't stand it.  That's when she started cheating on my brother with her new husband. A leapard never changes it's spots. Her husband keeps trying to convince everyone that she is not the same, but I don't believe that for a minute. Just in the actions that she has shown towards me shows she hasn't changed a bit. She still a bitter, ugly, mean person who doesn't care about anyone but herself. 

My kids were having a tough time this year putting up decorations. They were all very detailed on wanting answers about Jason and why he did what he did. We have an ornament with his picture on it, which is what brought the conversation up.  My 7 yr. old told me he was sad now. I explained to them that Jason was in alot of pain with hurting and now he is in our Fathers house and is not hurting anymore. They know that song "It's my Fathers House" and that song helps me explain to them where he is at. In the song, it says "It's a big big house with lots and lots of rooms. A big big table with lots and lots of food. A big big yard where we can play football. A big big house. It's my Fathers house".  I catch my 4 year old singing that song alot.  I hate what all of this is doing to my kids. Sometimes I just wish Jason would have thought about the kids 1st. I know he regrets doing what he did, but it still is what it is. What can you do? 

Sorry this is so lengthy. I guess I just needed to get it all out.
Thanks for listening, Jazzgirl

Main / Too coinsidental
« on: November 29, 2007, 02:21:20 PM »
Hey guys. Just had to share this. I was watching Dr. Phil today and was just captivated at his subject of a mother cutting off all contact with the childrens grandmother and not letting her see them. This situation was so like the ones my parents are going thru with Tyler. I just loved the fact how Dr. Phil said that they need to rise above all of the bickering and remember who the one is getting hurt the most. "THE CHILDREN".  This mother reminded me so much of Tylers mother I couldn't believe it. She was so smug telling this mother in law that before she can have any contact with them, she needs to see a therapist and she needs to follow all of these guidlines and she needed to fix everything that was wrong with her. Watching the show, this grandmother clearly loves those kids and would go to the ends of the earth to see them, but this mother knows that she has the right to keep the kids from her and doesn't have to let her see them at all. Dr. Phil told the mother that he can't make her see their grandparents and it has to be her decision, but he got right in her face and said that if she continues with this attitude that those are her kids and she could kiss her a**!!, then later on in life that will come back to bite her like she won't believe. I just thought "You go Dr. Phil". I told my mom about this show. I said I hope that she watches Dr. Phil. Who knows. Maybe it was a message.  I know I must sound so silly going on about a t.v. show, but it was nice to see somebody stand up for all of the grandparents that are going thru this right now. 

Main / Giving strength thru the holidays!!
« on: November 21, 2007, 01:52:35 PM »
Hey guys. I know it's been awhile. Things have just been crazy here.  I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and try to keep your spirits up. Don't try to not cry. Let it out because it  can only get you closer to healing even more.

Things are going pretty good here. Still having issues with seeing Tyler, my brothers oldest son. My mother just called though and will be able to visit with him as long as it is over "their house" and is supervised for now. It has been 3 months since they have seen or heard anything. I have been in open communications with my brothers 2nd wife. We seen Jacob in September and I have spoken with her several times since then. Her husband has filed for divorce. He said that he has just stared out at the back yard of their house where the tree use to be and completely understands why my brother did what he did. He said he knew when he started thinking like that that it was time to move out. My parents told him that if it ever got to that point to just leave and not take the same path my brother did. What a mess, huh?!

She did tell my parents that what she would like to do is talk with the 1st wife and see if she could get both the boys around Christmas and bring them over to our house. My parents were not real happy with the arrangement of her having to be there too, but I told them that was wonderful news and we need to be thankful for whatever we get. Having her there with them is a small price to pay. My mother had someone come up to her at work and tell her she was going thru something similar with her x-daughter in law and she said, "No matter what I have to do, even if it means licking her boots, I will do it until my grandchildren turn 18. I told my mom she was absolutely right. Please, if you all don't mind, put in  a prayer that we all get to be together for the holidays.  My sister will be here in Jan. and they are all meeting at my house for a little Christmas together and what a wonderful gift that would be to have all of the cousins together again. It has been since March that we have had that happen.  I already told God I will understand if it doesn't happen, but oh how it would be so nice. Tyler has been doing really bad in school. Poor kid has been thru so much. 

Well, better get going. The kids have probably torn the house up.  :o Happy Holidays to everyone. Thank you!!

Jazzgirl :)

Main / Here we go again!
« on: October 22, 2007, 07:51:46 PM »
Hey guys. Just had to let some of this out.  I talked to my mom on the phone today. She had her visit with my brothers youngest son today and when she went over to drop him off, the nanny was over there and the new husband was over there. They were inquiring about her and my brothers marriage and wanting to know if it was a happy one at the end. My parents told them that Jason was wanting to leave her about a month before his suicide. He had mentioned it to us several times before that also. He always felt like nothing was ever enough. I remember calling him and she would always be yelling at him in the background and making him feel like garbage in front of people too. He also told us how her mother would threaten that he would never see his kid if he left her. Her mother works for a law firm and apparantely thinks that she is of higher ground. Apparantely, this marriage is begginning to be a repeat of my brothers marriage to her.  All of these same events are taking place. She keeps throwing it in her face of how Jason and her had a wonderful marriage and he always fixed things around the house. She always put him down when he would get started on a project because it either wasn't finished on time, or it wasn't done perfect. He says that is exactly how she is treating him. He is wanting to take his kids and move up north. My heart just aches all over again. My parents told him to get out of it and don't go the same path Jason went. It's just crazy how things like this bring you back to where you left.  He took the picture down of my brother and her that was hanging on the wall. It was the first thing you saw when you walk into the house. It was very over powering. I never understood why it continued hanging after she got remarried.  I try not to read into it too much though because I think she is just not in her right state of mind. How can she be with having so much chaos in her life. I pray for her that she will find some kind of stability in her life and learn that she can't treat people that way.  I feel like her way of coping with my brothers suicide is making there marriage out to be perfect and his job just stressed him out too much.  I just worry about her.  All I can do is keep my door and heart open for her. Thanks for letting me vent. Hope everyone is doing well.

Main / Birthday Party
« on: October 13, 2007, 11:42:17 PM »
Hey guys, Been real busy here, but just wanted to say that Jasmine's b-day party was a hit. My brothers wife and her entire family came. It felt so good to know they drove the distance to spend with our family. It seems like a step in the right direction. Her new husbands daughter just came right up to me and hugged me and told me she missed me so much. She is 5 and just as cute as can be. It was sooo good to see all of the kids enjoying theirselves. It really makes me feel like there is hope. I really wished Tyler could be there too, but I am thankful for what we do have. My parents are still seeing Jacob once a week and everything seems to be going well with that. We have been calling my parents a lot too and letting them into every detail of our children as well so it will keep their mind off of not seeing Tyler. It seems like they have been able to let go of that and realize what they do have.
My kids and I were walking to their class the other day and saw a cloud in the sky and the rest of the sky was completely blue. They had come up with about 10 differents figures of what the clouds were and after dropping my oldest off to their classes, I walked with Jaiden, my 4 yr. old back to the van and he said "That is Uncle Jason" and my heart just dropped for a minute. I said calmly "What's Uncle Jason?" and he said that was him drawing in the clouds. I just started laughing and saying and I have no doubt that if that was an activity, Jason would be drawing because he loved to draw and was very good at it.  I just love it how the kids keep him alive.  It's as if he is still here.
Talk to you soon,  Jazzgirl

Main / So drained on trying!!
« on: September 25, 2007, 09:48:31 AM »
In Jan., it will lbe 2 years since my brother has died. Our family is still trying to put the pieces back together. His 1st son is no longer in our lives. The mother has come to the conclusion that he is just better off without his fathers family in his life. I just pray every day that he is ok and God will watch over him. My parents still see the 2nd child once a week, and I am very thankful she is giving them that. It seems like we are moving forward with her. However, my daughter is having her birthday on Sunday and I called the 2nd wife about a month ago to make sure there was enough time in advance to invite her. She had said that was too far in advance for her to know. Then she made it a point in an email to tell me several times that her and her husband and all of the kids do things as a family now and how it wouldn't be fair to the other kids if just 1 came. I don't know why she felt she had to tell me that because I have always invited the entire family and I have always felt like all of the children should be included. The last time I did that, she said it would be too uncomfortable for her new husband to come. I just feel like no matter what I do, it is never going to be right. I have already called again to find out and she said she wasn't sure if her husband had a football game or not. That was just Sat. night I called. I just don't feel like I should have to keep calling 100 x to get an answer!! I told my sister I am not calling again. I feel like I have done my part and I made my point that they are invited. I'm just sick of begging. My parents wanted me to call back and see if the whole family couldn't come, maybe they could just take Jacob with them. I just don't want to do that though. I think she should have enough common courtesy to call back. I'm just getting sick and tired of these games. I don't know what else I should do!!
Thanks for listening to me vent!

Main / Kelly37
« on: July 22, 2007, 12:08:04 AM »
Just wanted to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you today. Those 1 yr. marks can be rough.

Take care, jen

Main / Am I crazy???
« on: July 22, 2007, 12:04:30 AM »
So I was driving home from work tonight and had just started thinking about my brother and started crying.  I just miss our talks and calling him. I haven't cried like that in a long time.  As I was driving, I just feel like his spirit is around me. Like I would just start saying how I wish he just would have just hung on a little longer, things could have been so different and things would have been so much fun. I felt like he was talking back with me like as if we were on the phone, but we were actually together talking. I swear it felt like he was there. He told me if he was there, he would have still been in a bad point in his life of being unhappy and the free spirited Jason that I loved wouldn't have had all that freedom. Then on the radio, I heard this song that was so beautiful. It said "I'm ready to fly.... I'm ready to spread my wings....I'm ready to leave this world behind...". Of course, that made the tears come even more. Thank God the speed limit was low. The rest of the way home, I still feel like he is there. Then I get home and make a capt. n coke. I work at a restaurant and it was karaoke night and I got out late. Capt. n coke is not normal for me to drink, but it was my brothers favorite liquour drink. I went and sat out on the swing and still felt him there. We talked a little more and I started to get up and go inside b/c I started to think I was going crazy and I hear him say " I see how it is!!" I just felt like I heard it so loud and clear from him. I just started laphing and sat back down. We talked a little more, then I said I was going inside b/c now that I know he is there for eternity, I can talk to him anytime.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I promise I do not hear voices in my head.  Sometimes I just wander if I am just wanting to believe that I'm just thinking this to help me get thru the pain, but when I experience these visits, it is just so real. Plus, with the things my brother would say, you just can't make it up. That is what I loved about him. He was always able to make people laugh. He had these goofy dances and I can still see him doing them.  In fact, at his funeral, they played this slow song that I know my brother would have done a retarted dance to with his lighter in the air and I had my head in my hands and pictured him dancing to it and started laughing. I had to cover myself so people wouldn't know. My husband grabbed me closer and hugged me and he thought, as well as others, that I was crying, but I was, in fact, laughing. Right after he died, for about a couple of weeks, I felt like he was right next to me.  I honestly had a great time at his funeral. I can remember hearing him say "Wow. I am so surprised. I can't believe I have done this. I am so sorry. I am so sorry." I almost feel like he was overwhelmed as much as we were. Then my parents both having their dreams of him in the same night shortly after his death. My mom said he came and puckered his lower lip out and said "I really screwed up this time". In my dads dream, he just came in from the back porch all ticked off about something and my dad was just in shock that it was him and kept saying "Jason. Look guys. It's Jason. and hugged him so tight and wouldn't let go. They both got those dreams in the same night.

I know this is long, but I just have to let it out. I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this or am I just crazy?????

Main / I can't stop crying
« on: July 01, 2007, 04:12:21 PM »
I don't know what is wrong with me lately. Every since my b-day, I can't seem to stop crying. I just start crying out of nowhere and this emptiness comes over me. It has been 1 1/2 years. I thought I was suppose to be over this part. I hate it when my husband sees me crying. He is so good to me about it. He doesn't say anything. It's like he is use to it. I pretty much had my face cleaned up by the time he saw me earlier, but you could still tell I had been crying. 

I think what is hurting so much is I want to talk to him. It has just been too long. Before he died, we didn't talk a whole lot. Probably every couple of weeks. I just miss the catch up talks. We always walked thru life together and now we're not.  I feel like he should still be here growing old together. We should be sharing stories about our kids. He should have bought a house out here and been my neighbor.

Things would have been so different with him here. My parents and my sister and her kids and my brother and his family were all looking to buy houses out by me. I was so excited about that. I often wonder what it would have been like had he had done that. I just think it would have been so much fun and I feel like he wouldn't had killed himself if he had lived out here. He would have had a great friend to talk to. He and my husband were getting so close. He could have come an vented to me if he needed to, and I too him. We would have been over each others house all the time. He and I were a lot alike as far as being extroverts. We always had to have a lot going on in our lives or we just wouldn't know what to do with ourselves. He was soo much fun to have around.  I'm just missing him.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

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