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Topics - lisa

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Sibling Loss / I don't believe in heaven anymore
« on: April 18, 2007, 08:06:43 AM »
there is so much pain and so much hurt.  I don't understand why a kind and loving god (the one I was told about for years in church, sunday school, bible studies, christian summer camp and so on) would let this happen.  why would god let my brother get so down that killing himself would to him be the only and best way out?  why would god let my father suffer for 20 years, slowly dying, slowly breaking down until nothing worked anymore and the pain was unbearable?  why has god let these deep and terrible tragedies hurt me?  and or any of you?  people keep saying that they will at least find their loved ones again someday when they meet in heaven.  I am finding it so difficult to believe that heaven even exists anymore.  is heaven merely something we all as human kind created simply because we fear death and cannot come to terms with this concept?
please do not take offense - I am not cutting anyone elses beliefs.  these are my own - and I do not wish to offend.  just to say what is now plaguing me...

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Sibling Loss / unfair
« on: March 27, 2007, 06:37:10 AM »
 >:(  My little brother (would have been 29 this month) decided for some reason that it was all too much - or something - he did not explain - all about 6 weeks ago.  I want to know why.  I want to know what he was thinking.  I want to know he knew he could have just picked up the phone and I'd have been there in a flash.  we didn't talk a lot - we lived in different states, had different lives (I am a mom of a 3 year old, married, have a career - he was single, still partying, a business owner) but I loved him dearly.  I should have known something was up when he did not show up for thanksgiving - he claimed he slept through it.  he did not join us for christmas or my daughter's birthday.  no call. nothing.  but it didn't occur to me that there was anything wrong.
my sister found him, curled up on the front seat of his truck, the morning after he died.  that image is burned in her brain.  not the one of him smiling.  not the one of him goofing around - picking me up and swinging me around.  the one of him dead.  my mother is torturing herself - driving up to the house and sitting by his truck - trying to figure it all out.  he was her baby.  she still keeps replaying the question - wasn't I a good mother?  I keep trying to make it all make sense. 

and I m just venting here.  but I desperately seek anyone who can say - yeah, I know what you mean.

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