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Topics - Matts little sister

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Sibling Loss / Remembering his voice
« on: March 14, 2007, 10:05:16 PM »
Today I had to call Matt's cell phone to ask his girlfriend a question ( she still has his phone right now).  I called and it rang several times and then went to voicemail.  It is him on there-his voice is still on there.  I broke down.  For one tiny little second I maybe thought he was still here although I know it was just a recording on his cell phone.  I wish there was some way I could keep that phone and listen to his voice whenever I wanted to-for the rest of my life-because I just do not want to ever forget.  It hurt so much to hear him because I know he is not here.  My grandmother passed away when I was 11- it has been 15 years since she has been gone and something that really bothers me is sometimes I can't remember what she sounded like.  I know this sounds silly but I do not ever want there to be a day when I can't remember Matt's voice-when he was happy, sad, excited or just a normal conversation. 

Today has been extra hard.  My fiance and I went out to eat with a few friends tonight and I felt okay about that-I even felt okay while we were there.  It is almost like it distracted me for just a minute.  But when we got home I could not hold back the tears.  It was like the day I found out he died was happening all over again-it just hit me when we got home that he is gone-how could this be?  I feel that my friends just want me to do this or do that b/c they think it will help me if they can take my mind off of it-but that is not comforting to me right now. 

I have been at my parents house every day the last four weeks (not very out of the ordinary to be there almost every day)-I feel that  the only comfort for me right now is to be with them and do anything I can to help them out or just to talk.  My 6 year old nephew (my other brothers son) lives with my parents and has for a year now.  My brother works out of town 3 hrs. away.  My nephew is my little buddy.  He has had a very hard time in his six years-his mom passed away 1 year ago Feb. 17-he was 5 when this happened.(my brother and her had recently divorced)  She passed away Feb. 17, 2006 and Matt on Feb. 15, 2007-I have to say I will never be very fond of February-February will always be a hard month for me and everyone in my family.  Now his Uncle Matt is gone too-I know he is very young and probably does not understand completely-but he does know he will never see either of them again and he misses them both.  My mom did tell me yesterday she did not know what she would do right now without him there. I feel maybe he brings her and dad a bit of happiness ( if that is even possible for them right now)-or maybe just something to keep them going right now during this awful time in their lives.  He is such a good little boy-I love him so much.  Matt loved him so much also-I sent a picture of the two of them with Matt on the day of his funeral when we said our final goodbyes. 

Wow, I have rambled on and on.  Today was just so hard.  I miss Matt so much. I just don't understand.  I have said that every day for the last four weeks-tomorrow will be four weeks that he's been gone. :'(
Thanks to everyone-please know I think of you all often and I will keep you all in my prayers every day. 
With much love,
Courtney

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Sibling Loss / new to board-just lost my brother
« on: February 26, 2007, 06:55:32 PM »
I lost my brother Matt on February 15, 2007.  I am the youngest of 4 and the only girl.  It has not even been 2 weeks yet.  I am 26,  he was 29.  It was very unexpected.  His girlfriend found him that morning in bed not breathing.  She called my parents and they went to his house.  The ambulance was there but there was not anything they could do.  It was too late. They called me at work and I came home.  An autopsy was done and they found fluid around his heart, his heart was enlarged and arteries were clogged.  He did not have anything wrong with him that anyone knew of.  I have been looking at posts on here the last several days and have been wanting to write something.  It hurts to know I did not get to say goodbye-and it hurts to see my parents hurt so much-I wish there was something I could do to help them or make them feel just a bit better-but I know it is not possible.  I try to spend a lot of my time with them hoping it will help some.  One brother lives 3 hours away and the other has several kiddos and comes by when he gets a chance.  My boyfriend and I got engaged the night before he died and I did not call him that night to tell him because it was late-I figured there will be tomorrow-but that didn't happen.  I have read a lot on here about holidays etc. being hard to get through.  I can only imagine what it will be like with him not being there.  Like I will always feel a hole-something missing.  Matt and I shared a birthday.  I was born on his third birthday.  I always thought it was so neat that we were born on the exact same day.  I don't know how I will feel this year on our birthday.  It hurts so much right now-I feel like the way I feel will never get better.  You see these tragic things happen to other people and you never imagine that it will happen to you.  I feel so selfish right now because I feel so bad for me and my family-knowing other people go through losses like this often.  I know there will be a day where it gets easier to bear-these feelings-but I can't help but wonder when.  I know every day when I wake up I will think of him.  It just feels better to write on this board and know there are others who know what I'm feeling and will listen.  I talk to my fiance about it and he is very helpful, he just listens and I know he is hurt too-he has known Matt for over 5 years.  My friends try to help also, but I don't think they can even begin to understand-and I hope they never have to.  I say it makes me feel better to know there are others who know what a loss like this feels like-but I hate it for every one of you also-I wish no one had to feel this way-but I guess it is just a part of life.  I know Matt is in heaven right now and I will see him again someday and I know he is happier than he ever could have been on earth.  Thanks for listening.

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