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Topics - Tinabeth

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Random thoughts I have almost daily - Do you?
« on: October 01, 2013, 12:57:10 PM »
Why can't  I just do?
Why do I question?
Why do I dwell?
Why can't I just be?
Gnawing, aching, lonely, craving, wandering, analyzing, searching.
Sad & lost feeling much of the time.
Happy, but dampered, many times.
Always a piece missing.
When, if ever,  does this pass?
Stuck, suspended - move forward then move back.
Is this just part of the journey, or am I stuck?

Spouse, Partner Loss / Ramblings of an aching heart
« on: December 14, 2012, 12:32:31 AM »
It will be 22 months next week since my Jay died. I am finding this Christmas to be more difficult than last. I believe I was still numb and running on automatic last Christmas. Finding it very difficult to get into any kind of holiday spirit despite having 4 young grandsons (all under 4) to celebrate with.  I just look at them and my heart aches that he isn't here to enjoy them with me. Am finding that I'm back to having minor things really upset me again. Found his Nikeplus on the desk tonite. He had it on when he died. I suddenly recalled removing it from his arm at the funeral home where his body was taken. Remembering how he looked so peaceful laying there and how only 8 hours before he had gotten ready, kissed me goodbye and left for work.  Oh Lord, I just don't know sometimes why my mind works the way it does.
Thanks for listening to me. Tina

Spouse, Partner Loss / Poem for those who have lost a mate
« on: June 10, 2011, 06:49:38 PM »
I found this poem in a book back in March and just today located that book again.  Sorry if this is a repeat for anyone.

One or the other must leave,
One or the other must stay.
One or the other must grieve,
That is forever the way.
That is the vow that was sworn,
Faithful 'til death do us part.
Braving what had to be borne,
Hiding the ache in the heart.
One, howsoever adored,
First must be summoned away.
That is the will of the Lord
One or the other must stay.    ~Anonymous

So much truth in this poem. :(

Spouse, Partner Loss / Feel like I'm losing my mind
« on: June 05, 2011, 05:28:58 PM »
Haven't been on here in awhile.  Am at week 15 without my Jay.  I am having good and bad days.  I find myself wondering more everyday if I can stay in the home that we have lived in for 20+ years. 
I feel at times that I must be here - I couldn't face things being anywhere else.  Then at other times I can't bear being here - too many memories.  I know this early in the grief process is NOT the time to make these kinds of decisions, but I am feeling soooo conflicted.
I am also overwhelmed with everything of his that there is to deal with.  He was a collector of many items.  He had a "man cave" that is full of his treasures along with his computer and television and books and guitars, etc. etc etc. 
I have two daughters that are supportive, but they each have small children and don't live close and they have their own lives.  And I don't really want anyone else going through his things - is that crazy of me or is that normal?  He had two bicycles that were high end cycles because he was getting into really enjoying cyclying.  I let one of our son-in-law's ride one this weekend.  I thought I was okay with it, but when I saw him on it and that he wasn't doing things the way Jay would have, I almost came unglued.  I didn't say anything; I just bit my tongue and kept saying "it is ok, it is ok, Jay isn't here to use it", but my heart was breaking all along.
I also find myself being very happy but very nervous when my kids and grandkids are around.  I feel guilty about feeling this way, but can't seem to help myself.  One set was around for 4 days this past week and one set stayed with me last night.  I've had to take a Xanax each morning to tolerate them and myself.  And I hadn't taken a xanax in a couple of weeks.  I just don't know about myself.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

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