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Topics - rose

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Child Loss / Test Picture
« on: February 23, 2007, 01:00:31 PM »
Finally!  After I don't know how many tries.  Not sure if I completely like the way it came out, but at least it's here.  I will now tell Jason's story on meet our children page.

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Child Loss / Been a Long Time
« on: February 13, 2007, 06:54:40 AM »
Hi out there.  It has been a really long time since I have posted (5 years +).
This board has really changed.

I am feeling very depressed today and felt I needed to post here.  My son, Jason, was killed in a car crash 6 years ago February 10, 2001.  He was 16 years old.  I used to come to this board and think I have only posted once or twice, but I used to come and read all your posts and it used to make me feel depressed, so I stopped for a long time.

Jason's anniversary date came and went this year.  I thought about him a lot, but mostly I was able to have good thoughts about when he was alive and what a good person he was, and how he could make me laugh, and how much he enjoyed life.  I should have known better that eventually it would catch up with me.  I have been on anti-depressent (Wellbutrin) and have been seeing a therapist, which both I believe help tremendously.  I saw my therapist the day before his anniversary day and felt okay.  I should have made the appointment for a few days later.

I apologize for just rambling on.  I hate when it hits hard like this.  I can go for weeks and sometimes months feeling okay.  Sure, I think about him every day, but I have been learing to think of his memories.  The one bad memory of that aweful day try to creep in, and I fight so hard to push it away.  I can still remember everything.  The moment the doorbell rang at 1:30 AM and 2 FHP officers were at the door to break the news.  Sitting in the living room in my husband's arms, crying and crying.  The neighbors coming over to try and comfort us.  My family coming in from various cities.  My whole office attending the funeral service.  Sometimes, I just about break down just seeing some of their faces at work every day for the past 6 years.

This morning I woke up and just didn't want to be in this life.  I just want to crawl in hole and die.  I don't want to put on my good face for everyone else.

I have another son, Bret, who is now 18 and going to college, living at home.  He is a very quiet person (takes after his mom) and doesn't let his feelings out.  The other day, my husband came across something disturbing.  Bret has a page on Myspace.  My husband and I were curious and went into myspace and searched Bret.  We found his page and he has a blog called Jason.  It was written just before Christmas.  Bret talked about missing Jason and having his big brother to talk about girls, and what college is like and not being able to see him go through that.  How Bret is reminded as every one of those hurdles goes by for him.  He expressed how he thinks Jason was the smarter, nicer looking one and why it couldn't have been Bret to have died.  Bret has been seeing this girl who went to high school with him and is now in the same college.  Her brother was also killed in a car crash about a year after our son's accident. 
She's a very sweet girl and  I like her and think they are good for eachother. 

I am done rambling.  I am at work and should get something done.  Thank you all for being there.

Rose

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