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Topics - 4EVRdarrensSIS

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Sibling Loss / ~Virginia Tech~
« on: April 17, 2007, 04:36:51 PM »
As I layed in bed last night, I couldn't fall asleep.  I found myself thinking of all of the families whose lives had just been torn apart.  All those families that had to start completely over with a new chapter of their lives.  All of those families who were grieving their loss.  The long road ahead of them....the holiday's, birthday's, anniversaries, special occasions.......all the things that their loved ones would not be their to share.  It saddens me beyond think that all that those young adults and professors where doing was improving themselves by getting an education.  As hard of a time that I have had in losing my brother....I can't imagine having some kid shoot my loved one randomly.  I mean, cancer isn't something that anyone can control.......that kid had decisions to make.  I see the picture of that kid and just feel anger towards him...but at the same time I think about his family and wonder what in the heck they are going through at this point? 

I don't know.....all I know is that thirty something families are feeling the loss that we feel by some random act of violence.  My heart goes out to these families......please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.   ???

Sibling Loss / HEAVEN
« on: April 10, 2007, 06:08:05 AM »
I found this poem not too long after my brother passed away.....just thought I'd share it


Think of~

Stepping on shore, and finding it Heaven!
Of taking hold of a hand, and finding it God's hand.
Of breathing a new air, and finding it celestial air.
Of felling invigorated, and finding it immortality.
Of passing from storm to tempest to an unbroken calm.
Of waking up, and finding it Home.

                                      Author Unknown

Sibling Loss / Trying to have a Happy Easter
« on: April 08, 2007, 11:19:20 AM »

I don't know about anyone else....but this is an extremely hard time of year for me.  Five years ago we were, unknowingly, counting down the days until goodbye.  This is the time of year that Darren went downhill really fast.  Everybody says that it gets better with time.  I'm not so sure that is true.  For me it gets harder and harder.  I don't know if it is the truth of it all slapping me in the face.....the acknowledgment that he is gone and never coming back?  Another day added to the count of how long ago it was that we heard his voice, his laugh......another holiday without him.  Drives me up the wall.  My emotions are all over the place every day lately.   I put up a slide show on my myspace page to remember all the good times with him.  I don't want to live without his memory, but it's like putting salt on an open wound.  Tares my heart all up to see his face.   "Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part.......let's go back to the start....."
I hope that everyone has the best possible Easter that they can.  Make it through the best you can.....all we can do is take one second at a time, right? 
Happy Easter to all of you......

Sibling Loss / my 5th christmas.....
« on: January 13, 2007, 11:05:17 PM »
so, this year was my fifth christmas without my older brother Darren.  we lost him on may 23, 2002 to cancer.  he was only 29.  they say time heals everything....i'm not so sure.  it seems the longer i don't see him or talk to him the worse it gets.  christmas is always so difficult b/c it was his favorite holiday and we ALWAYS had such a great time being together as a family.  he was my only sibling and i feel so alone.  i have this giant hole inside of me that will never go away.  the person i knew as me died that day right along with him.  all i knew was life as darren's little sister.  four and a half years later i am now the age that my brother was when he died.  i am now married to the most wonderful man and have two step-children that i consider to be my own...they are with us full time.  so many changes.  i almost had a breakdown when i got married last year b/c he wasn't there.  i was thrown into this downward spiral and ended up on medication to deal with my loss from years prior.  today....i am no longer on medication....but i feel like his whole life and the memories i have of him are all a dream.  it's like he never really existed.   i don't know if that is how everyone feels or if it's just a coping mechanism that i have thrown myself into.  i'm still angry at God and out of the two choice we have of running to him or running away from him.....well, i took the later.  everything i was ever taught i doubt.   i don't doubt that there is a God.....i just have issues with how he shows us his "love".   it's funny b/c i know my brother is in heaven and is whole and free from pain that he lived in for two years and wouldn't come back here for anything.  but that doesn't keep me from being angry at the only one that will take me to him one day!  how ironic.  i miss him so bad....i never knew that i could miss someone so much.  he was the first person i ever lost.  at the time i still had my grandparents and all of my family, immediate and extended.  i had never experienced loss personally....and to start with my brother is devastating.  i still go to pick up the phone during a steelers or penn state game....and then i realize he's not here.  it helps to know that we left nothing unsaid and that every time i left him i would kiss him on the forehead and tell him i love him.  i know someday i'll see him again....until that day i guess i'll just keep pulling my way through this life that makes no sense half of the time. 
thank you for letting me vent......sometimes i just feel alone in my pain and that no one else knows how i feel.....but i know that's just the self pity!  i am not the first nor the last to lose a sibling.

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