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Topics - Carol A

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Child Loss / I think of you ....
« on: July 04, 2009, 07:36:47 PM »
Oh my daughter's angel date, I always think of her birth, the joy...the excitement. On her angel date, I remember that phone call, the intense, ungodly pain. How did I live this long after that day? Sometimes I think I must still be in the "crazy" stage. That's what a friend of mine called it, a friend who had lost a child almost 2o years ago. I don't know...I think I might always be in that " crazy " stage. I'm not the same, that's for sure.
Never will be. Sometimes I just do whatever it is I have to do..NOT to think. Don't think, just DON'T think...that's the only way I can survive. But, I can't help but think about her. Everyday, every single day of my life, I talk to her, I think of her, something or someone reminds me of, the only time I DON'T think , is when I watch some movie and lord help me if anything in that movie reminds me of her. So..have I come a long way? I guess so, I don't feel like dying , The pain isn't so intense that I pray for death. But I still want to know WHY? WHY?

Today, The 4th..I thought about Adam and Katie. I wondered if anyone on this board even remembers me. I haven't posted in years, just posted on her angel date. I moved, I don't see things everywhere I look now and see Vikki. That has helped, but she's least I WANT her to be here.
I thought to myself, I bet many of these people don't remember me, don't remember her but there are some here, the ones here when I first came, the first couple or years. I still see your children's faces when I close my eyes. The pictures I never forget, committed to my memory. I know their names, I know their faces, I still think of their laughs, ....or what I think they sounded like when they laughed.  So..even tho' you don't read me anymore, please know...I know your angels. I remember them. They , in my heart, all found each other long ago....their smiles ..I remember. YOUR pain, I remember, you words, I remember. I all know exactly how I feel..because I know exactly how you feel.
Love - sincere loving thoughts to you all.

Child Loss / Adam and Katie
« on: July 04, 2009, 07:16:36 PM »
Hey sweet friend. It's been a long time since I have talked to you.
I year ago June 16th, to be exact.
I wanted you to know that I have moved, no longer at that addy or phone number..but, Adam has been in my thoughts for days now and especially today. YOU and Adam are on my mind all through the year. Know that he is always in my thoughts and so are you.

Adam! Adam! My high top hat Adam!!

Child Loss / Vikki
« on: August 18, 2008, 09:02:32 PM »
Vikki's Birthday

Child Loss / Vikki's angel date
« on: August 18, 2008, 08:58:42 PM »
Vikki Rae
Birthday - August 29,1966

Angel date - June 16, 2003

Child Loss / Judy
« on: July 02, 2008, 05:26:25 PM »
Do you know whenever I see your son's picture I can still hear his laugh?
Strange how some things just come at us from these pictures and we
never forget them. I guess it's his smile. Makana Lives!

Child Loss / For Vikki
« on: June 16, 2008, 12:15:21 PM »
5 years ago today. The very same day. That awful Monday morning.
I miss you, I love you, I hurt, I ache, I want you back. I want you laughing, smiling, telling jokes, laughing about your boys. You are here , in my heart, forever.

In the chilly hours and minutes,
Of uncertainty, I want to be,
In the warm hold of your loving mind.

To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand, along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sundown pales the sky,
I wanna hide a while, behind your smile,
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find.

For me to hug you now,
Would be the sweetest thing, 'twould make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.

For standin' in your heart,
Is where I want to be, and I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.

Child Loss / Vikki's Birthday
« on: September 04, 2007, 12:55:22 PM »
August 29th Vikki would have been 41 years old. I've coped better in the past with her birthday than this year. My other daughter made a beautiful, funny, wild and crazy myspace page for Vikki this year. It was all the things she liked, the books, music, pictures, sayings. Although we both wanted to do this and we both wanted it to be happy, not WAS sad.
So many of her friends posted, left pictures, stories of their time with her.
I smiled at them when viewing with friends...then cried until I hurt after they left. I think for some of her friends it's just now hitting them that she truly is gone. They can't phone her, visit her, laugh with her.
I've been in the worst funk for the past year. There are times I am so angry I scare myself. There are times I am at peace with this but it never seems to last long. I have no earthly idea what to tell people because like so many have told me * I don't see how you go on* - I honestly don't know
how I go on either. It's extremely surreal. I have to admit I am STILL in shock. I STILL wonder why we didn't demand a through investigation into her death. I still feel like I am letting her down.  IF only...IF Only...over and over.
Vikki named one of her sons after Owen Wilson. Now the news about him
makes me wonder WHY SO MUCH PAIN?!!
My grandson is going thru' a rough time.
I never see the twins. It's like they were taken from me too.
I must apologize ...because I am using this place to say things I don't
dare say to family and friends.
I'm very, very tired of the pain. I am physically not in the best shape . I keep trying to fill the void.
Have any of you ever just wanted to slap the pee outta' someone that
hurt your child....ever?! I ran into a girl that said something horrible about
Vikki when she was about 16. It was all I could do not to go up and slap her. Yep, I am still angry and all I can do is try my damnest to let some of it go before my health, my stomach pain eats me up.

4 years ago today, the call that changed my life, forever.

This song is by Charlotte Church.

I will watch you in the darkness
Show your love will see you through
When the bad dreams wake you crying
I'll show you all love can do
All love can do

I will watch through the night
Hold you in my arms
Give you dreams where no one will be
I will watch through the dark
Till the morning comes

For the light will take you
Through the night to see
Our light, showing us all love can be

I will guard you with my bright wings
Stay till your heart learns to see
All love can be

Child Loss / Vikki's Angel Date
« on: May 11, 2007, 12:23:48 PM »
Always alive in my heart. I miss you my beautiful girl. You are always in my thought, always.

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