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Topics - MelissaCharliesMom

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1
Child Loss / Hello to all
« on: September 01, 2010, 06:34:32 PM »
We have been out of town for awhile and recently returned from a trip to Montana. It was a great trip and we enjoyed every second of it, hiking in Glacier and Yellowstone National Parks. Now for the dark cloud.
Montana has a program that consists of placing a white cross alongside the highways where there has been a fatality. South Dakota places diamond shaped signs with saying like ..."Xmarks the spot. Why die? Drive safely."
One morning enroute from Glacier to Yellowstone everyone in the truck was sleeping and I was driving. I swear to you there was a 20-30 mile seciton of road where there were white crosses every 2 miles. Five in a group, 2 in a group, 2 that said Mom and Dad, groups of 3 with teddy bears hanging off of them. I am not ashamed to tell you the farther I drove the worse I felt and I ended up pulling over and getting physically ill. I think the program is a real eye opener and shouldnt be stopped, but as a parent who lost a child in an MVA every cross I passed I couldnt help but wonder who that person was, who their families were, how they died.....it was a gutwrenching and yet very moving experience to say the least. That same day when we arrived in Yellowstone as we were opening the door to our cabin at the lodge, a dragonfly landed on the flowerplanter right next to us. I couldnt help but realize this was Charlies way of saying...its ok Mom.

Anyway I had to share this story with all of you. I have been contemplating it since I have been home. I wonder if anyone ever thought to write a book about all those white crosses and the people and lives they represent ????Sending strength and peace to each and every one of you.

2
Child Loss / Checking in
« on: July 29, 2010, 06:51:22 PM »
Well, we have passed the 6 year mark with very little fan fare and far too many tears. To all who have added me on FB thanks and feel free to IM me there. Hubby and I celebrate our 16th wedding Anniversary tomorrow....but the real celebration will be shortly after when we pack up the fam and head to MT until the end of August. We will be spending time in Glacier National Park and then moving on down for our 2nd visit to Yellowstone. I will check in on my FB when I can and we have WiFi. Thank the powers that be for family as we have Gpa and my favorite Aunt taking care of the farm while we are gone....I sure will miss my buddies (farm animals)
At the risk of repeating myself, I dont post much here anymore, but I am always on FB.
Wishing you all strength and peace.....

3
Child Loss / Facebook Anyone?
« on: July 12, 2010, 07:21:48 PM »
Anyone else have a Facebook?Would love to add you.

4
Child Loss / Stopping by
« on: April 01, 2010, 05:59:44 PM »
I come on the board and read at least 4 days a week. I have little to offer at this point , so I dont post much anymore. We have thrown ourselves into the farm....we now have 12 black angus (1 new baby just born and 3 more babies on the way), 4 miniature donkeys, 2 horses and we have 3 goats coming the first week of June. If we are not at the house we are at the farm and to be honest we are at the farm far more often. Our kiddos are doing so well, we are so very proud of them!!!Patrick will be celebrating his 13th bday this month, Emma turned 6 in Nov., Brayden turned 4 in Feb. and Sophia turned 1 in Nov.....time seems to be going by so very fast.
I have struggled a great deal the last few months, almost as severe as it was back in the very beginning. Im not sure why exactly, I only know that some days I have forced myself just to get out of bed.
I miss, miss, miss my Charlie so very much and have come to the conclusion that moving forward is the best I will ever be able to do. Move forward and live each day to the best of my ability.....love my kiddos and when times are toughest hang on tightly and hope for a brighter day come the morning.
I am a changed person, not just since Charlie died, but even more so in the last year. I have little to no desire to go out in public. I make a trip to the store a few times a week and the farm supply place a couple times a month for feed and thats about it, besides visiting family and of course our trips and camping.
I had little tolerance for petty, insignificant issues before I lost my boy and now I have NO tolerance for any of it...NONE! As time passes instead of softening, I have found I have become harder...it must not be easy to be my friend ....and I am grateful for the few who are.
Hubby and I...our relationship, though weak after losing our precious boy has now become possibly stronger than it ever was. We enjoy spending our free time side by side working on pastures and pounding fence posts....I can watch him ride the kiddos around on the tractor for hours and see him have a real smile on his face, instead of the forced ones we often wear.
We are ok.....and ok is good enough for me.
I hope everyone here has found some strength and peace. I think of each of you so very often and can see your childrens smiles when I close my eyes.
Sending strength and peace...

5
Child Loss / Feeling like a horrible person
« on: February 22, 2010, 05:04:38 PM »
Well, life in general has been going as well as can be expected as of late. The kiddos are doing great...excelling in school and sports and life in general. My marriage is more solid then it has been since the accident and our dreams of farming and animals are slowly coming to fruition. All of that being said I feel like such a horrible person because I just cant sympathize with anyone anymore, unless theyve lost a child. One of my best friends house burnt down 2 weeks ago. I was at the scene the same time the fire trucks got there, her and her husband were out of town at her sons wrestling meet and 4 of the kids were home alone (ages 13- 17). I stood with them while they cried, while the EMT's checked them over and followed 2 of them to the hospital for treatment of possible smoke inhalation...her and her husband got there just as the ambulances were leaving. It was horrible, horrendous, sad. Now 2 weeks later someone in town has given them a huge house to live in until theirs gets rebuilt. There was a benefit dinner held and our other friend and I organized contributions and donations and they have a houseful of furniture, clothes, etc....I am sure it is horrible and no matter how much money is raised they will never, ever get the things they lost back. I feel horrible , but now that they are safe in a warm house and the kiddos and pets are all fine I can find no sympathy in my heart for her. I just feel....your kids are SAFE!!!SAFE!!!!Do you NOT understand that!? She should, since she has been by my side, literally since the day Charlie was killed. She calls to complain and cry and tell me how hard it is and I just want to say...but youre not going to the cemetery, youre not burying one or more of your children!!!!
I am so disappointed in myself, more like disgusted!!She has been such a good friend to me and all I can think right now is how lucky she is!!!Yes her house burnt down, yes they lost almost everything...but oh what I would do to trade places.....to have my children.....all of them safe!!!
I shudder to think what would have happened had the kids still been upstairs sleeping and the smoke detectors not gone off and am so very, very grateful that they are all ok!!!I just wish I could feel a bit of sympathy, a tinge of sorrow for her...instead I just think...she is so, so lucky!!!!
What a horrible friend this loss has turned me into I am so disappointed in that aspect of who I am now!!!!
I hope all of you are as well as can be expected and think of each of you every day!
Sending strength and peace.

6
Child Loss / What time does and doesnt do
« on: February 04, 2010, 08:42:25 PM »
It has been awhile since I have posted anything. I find myself drifting in and out of reality more and more, subconsciously pretending that Charlie is not gone, that he is just "away" for a little while, except that little while has turned into 5 + years and counting and will continue to grow as each day takes me farther and farther away from my precious boy. There are happy times, times of smiles and laughter and moments, precious few moments of peace, but the sadness, the "dark cloud" it is always there. Has been for 5+ years and always will be.
We have grown so very much as a family since 2004. We are stronger than before in many ways and in others so very much weaker. We stopped "talking about" some of our dreams and are now starting to live them.
Charlie loved, loved animals, we all do. We love being outside and working outside, cold, wet hot, dry, doesnt matter, never has. As a family we love it. My husbands Grandfather who lives out of state bought an old farm here and plans to retire there at some point. He has given us our own barn on the farm and after a very special visit to a farm in Pennsylvania ( a farm I was drawn to for some reason, a farm that is owned (as we found out) by a family who walks this journey with us, a family who had their only son killed in a car accident)we are proud owners of 4 miniature donkeys. We have spent hours and hours in the cold , snow, wind and ice rehab-ing this old barn and the work, though hard brings us all great peace. We are finally seeing it all come to fruition and on Feb 27 our  4 little donkey boys will be delivered!!!We have the farm to run to when we need to escape this "life", we have my husbands grandfathers animals that we are caring for there as well until he moves here permanently (13 black angus and 2 horses). This...this farm and the animals and the buildings and the love and hard work, the time we spend together as a family there, its the best therapy I have ever had.
Patrick and Emma continue to excel in school. Patrick has begun wrestling and is doing so very well with it. Emma is loving 1st grade and is very "involved" socially with her classmates. Brayden is attending preschool 3 days a week, 2 1/2 hours a day. He goes with his cousin and loves it!!!!And Miss Sophia, well she is now 15 months old running everywhere she goes, climbing on everything she shouldnt be. The sadness, the missing, the longing for Charlie is always with us, even brayden who never got to meet his brother sometimes cries and says "I miss brother Charlie." We all miss him, we all hurt, each of us still cries on a daily/weekly basis, the tears still flow and the pain never subsides, but it does change....changes to something that in small bite size pieces I am capable (on most days) of handling, on other days however, it still bowls me over and takes me right back to the beginning!!I, have learned on the dark, dark days the only thing that keeps me from sliding back into that dark hole is to hang on as tight as I can to my kiddos....all of them!!!The love we share, the joy they give me, the strength they provide me with, when I have none of my own...THEY are my reason!!!!!
My marriage went from a fairy tale to a nightmare after Charlie died, something I never thought we could slavage and now it is stornger than ever....I miss my husband when hes at work and cant wait for him to get home. He calls me 4 times a day some days just to say "I love and miss you."
Now if only my son wasnt gone, wasnt stolen from this world, his life, from me, his brothers and sisters, his Dad, his family he loves and misses him so very much every, single day....life would be perfect!!!!That my friends as you all know, that will never be and so perfect is no longer something I am capable of living, perfect happiness will never be achieved, smiles without pain will never occur and the feeling of security I once had will never dwell within my soul again...those things, those are the things that try and rob me from my life, my children and some days I wish I could just give and up roll into a ball and disappear....I havent and wont, but I dont live a fantasy and know every, single day for the rest of my life will be work. The thing I truly understand now that I couldnt grasp before was this......yes, my son is gone and I have the right to be mad, I have the right to scream, cry. I have the right to feel the deepest sadness anyone has ever felt. I dont however have the right to blame my sons death for my behavior, I dont have the right to not love my children and give them the best lives imaginable because of my own selfish sadness and I dont have the right to let any of them down...they are my entire world and now, now I can say with 100% honesty that my sadness and my grief will not ever, ever be the downfall of their happiness, their successes it wont now nor will it ever be.
So, you see my friends this is why I havent posted much. There are those of you who will not understand this, those of you (who are far stronger than me) who have no other children, those of you who are so new to this journey and those of you who have been doing it longer than I have and cant understand how I can say these things....I have never wanted to hurt anyones feelings here or make anyone feel worse than they already do. I only share these things with you because without most of you,  I never would have gotten to this point.
So...what time does and doesnt do?
Time has changed the way the way I "live". It has changed the way I handle my grief. It has allowed me to take a step back from my own feelings and consider the feelings of those around me and the possible affect I have on them.
What time hasnt done? It hasnt made this any "easier", it hasnt rid my heart of the pain and sadness that come with losing a child. It hasnt made me miss Charlie any less, it hasnt made me stop asking "why?" and "what if?" It hasnt stopped from trying to bargain with whatever powers that be to take me and let my son come back...it hurts, I HATE this life I have been forced to live and I HATE Charlie not being here where he belongs...with all of us who love and miss him so very much.
Now that Ive rambled on for far longer than I intended. I just want all of you to know that even when I dont post I read and I think of each of you every, single day and wish for peace for each of you....I hope someday, somehow, each of us can find a way to let a little bit of love and happiness into our hearts....it truly helps combat all that sadness that we are now forced to carry around...you and your children are never far from my thoughts!!!!



PS In the futrue we do plan on breeding our miniature donkeys and making a small family run business out of it....The name we have settled on.....Dragonfly Donkeys at He-Me Farms...I have no doubt ,Charlie would approve!!!

7
Child Loss / Wishing....
« on: December 31, 2009, 09:29:28 PM »
I still read every day, but have had little to offer as of late. I am doing the best I can to live life each day , loving my family and friends and grasping onto whatever I can to stay grounded and not completely lose my mind. I think of each of you and your precious kiddos every day and wish I had more to give you and the new parents who have entered this club that no one wants to join. I find I have nothing to offer for the time being, it takes every bit of strength I have to function. I wish it was all so different and please know I am sending each of you strength and wishes for peace and softer days in the coming New Year.

8
Child Loss / Nothing is the same anymore.....
« on: November 26, 2009, 06:27:38 PM »
Thinking of all of you tonight!!!I know how hard these days are...know I am thinking of each of you and your precious kiddos.Nothing is the same anymore is it???No matter how hard we try!Sending strength and peace!

9
Child Loss / Sophia turned 1 today
« on: November 24, 2009, 06:37:25 PM »
Just wanted to share with all of you that our baby turned 1 today!!!!It seems impossible, I remenber talking with many of you here about hen I was having her, then the date of my csection, then after she was born and now she has turned a year old!!!!Time surely flies!!!!Anyway, we had a little dinner at home tonight and will celebrate her Bday on Thanksgiving Day when the entire family including her great grandparents from out of state will be here.
I have thought of each of you and your precious kiddos so very much in the past few weeks, especially when I was going through all of our Xmas decorations, trying to prepare myself for the task ahead!!!I will share that I have put a 6 1/2 foot artificial tree in the kitchen. I always wanted a tree in our kitchen and the kids have always wanted one too. So this year we put a fake up (only fake one that will ever be in this house wont have anything ever, but a real fresh cut one for the living room)and we decorated it in red and silver and guess what I found red and silver glittery dragonflies...so you bet that tree is covered with them!!!The day I found them I could havefallen over and I am just so glad I looked in an aisle I dont generally go into and there they were !!!!!
Well, as we will be busy entertaining various frends, family and out of towner over the nest week or so my time here will be limited. Just know I am thinking of all of you and am sending strength and peace for the days ahead!!

10
Child Loss / Thanks to all of you!!!
« on: November 18, 2009, 07:15:10 PM »
Thanks to all of you for all of your support during what would have been Charlies 16th bday, Emmas 6th bday and the highly anticipated approaching 1st bday of our Sophia Baby. It is hard to imagine Charlie at 16....how I wish I didnt have to imagine it. The good news is we got through Emmas bowling/bounce house party with the entire family and some school friends in attendance and she had the "BEST bday ever Mom!!!"
The 16th, Charlies Bday was a very, very difficult day. It brought a bit of warmth when I got to the cemetery with balloons that early afternoon and saw others had been there already. Some balloons came from other family members, but the others that were there and the flowers..Im not sure where they came from. I only know that it is so nice to know he is not forgotten by others!!!
I went today, to the cemetery, whispered my love and wishes into the wind and then cut the balloons loose. I watched until I couldnt see them anymore. Funny thing is, they all flew away except the one from us that said "we love you" on it...that one is still hung up on a tree across the road from Charlies stone. A sign? Maybe.
So, now it is time to look forward. Forward, to Sophies 1st bday and Thanksgiving. Im squaring my shoulders, chin up, gritting my teeth and powering forward, ever forward....it is all I can do.
So, weve made it through, made it through another bad day, another bday without him, Emmas bday without him and now we move forward towards more bad days, I can only hope we can do whatever possible to make these hard days ahead bearable and hope for some "not so bad" days in between. Thinking of all of you and sending hugs and thanks for helping me get through another horrible time.

11
Child Loss / Charlies Bday
« on: November 15, 2009, 07:42:43 PM »
On Nov 16, 1993 I became a mom for the first time. It was the best day of my life. At 8:21 pm Charles E. S***** IV was born, 8lbs 2 oz, 21" long...my first baby, our son!!!He would have been 16 tomorrow. We should be out shopping for his first truck and instead I will spend time at a cold , stone in the middle of the cemetery begging whatever powers that be and whoever else will listen to please give me my son back!!!!!!I am asking all of you to send me some strength, because at this moment, even the love I share with my precious kiddos just isnt enough!!!!I am tired of working so hard just to live. I just want my son back!!!!
Happy Bday my Buddy, my boy, my precious precious son. How I love and miss you, every second of every, single day.

12
Child Loss / Tomorrow
« on: November 13, 2009, 05:20:18 PM »
Tomorrow, Emma will be 6!!!!It is such a roller coaster of emotion!!!Her Biggest Brother Charlie was so excited the night she was born. he couldnt believe he had a sister and her birthday was 2 days before his!!!!He cried when he walked in and saw her and said, "Mom I am glad you gave me a sister, she is so little and so cute." He loved her every single day. Him and Patrick their brotherly bond was special, they were best friends!!!With his little sister Emma, Charlie was like an immediate protector. Every photo I have of them together he has his arms wrapped tight around her as if to say...no one is going to hurt my baby sister!!!Who could have known when Emma was only 7 months old her biggest brother, her protector would be taken away.
I will get through the day tomorrow and we will make it so very special for Emma....I just wish her biggest brother was here to share it with us!!!!Monday Charlie would have turned 16......I surely hope I find the strength to make it through!!!

13
Child Loss / The Month of Hell and Happiness
« on: November 05, 2009, 09:12:29 PM »
I HATE November!!!Hate it and LOVE it!Its the month 3 of our 5 kiddos were born. Emma will be 6 on the 14th, Charlie would have been 16 on the 16th and Sophia will be 1 on the 24!!!Whats wrong with that statement?!The "wouldve been 16"...I HATE that part!!!
Ive a had a rough few days and have calling hours for our hairdresser friend who died last weekend tomorrow. Its at the same funeral home that Charlies services were!!!Im dreading it!!
I feel like half of me is dead and the other half is dragging the dead half around searching for some glimmer of hope, some ounce of true happiness...both of which are eluding me at the moment.
My kiddos, oh my kiddos, how I cling to them during these times...these days that are harder than the hard days...which doesnt even seem fathomable!Without them thered be no possible way I would be capable of going on and those of you that do are far, far stronger and far better a person than I could ever be!
Charlie would be eligible to get his driving permit in 11 days and he wont be here, he wont be here for prom or graduation or to watch his brothers and sisters grow up!!No daughter in law, no babies...nothing!
But all of you here know that already dont you!? And I am so very, very sorry that any of us have to live this life filled with so much pain. I am learning to cling to the moments of happiness, cling to the hope, cling to the love of my precious babies because without those things I just couldnt live with this pain anymore.
Yes, November a month full of happiness and the deepest sadness a parent can ever know..and somehow, someway I have to find the strength to keep going.
Thanks to all of you for all youve done and continue to do for me ...Im sorry any of us have to be here.
Sending strength and peace.

14
Child Loss / SENSITIVE 2 new deaths in our small small town
« on: November 01, 2009, 04:23:55 PM »
Oh Dear Friends I dont even know where to begin. As most of you know 2 1/2- 3 weeks ago a friend of the family was killed in a car accident he was so young. Last week a girl who just turned 20, went to CA to visit her Aunt and while there hung herself. This girls brother killed himself 2 years ago and is buried near Charlie and her brother ended his life the same way. This Mother whom I have seen at the cemetery was barely holding herself together I cant even imagine what will happen now. Then this morning , early, my phone rang....an acquaintance overdosed on prescription pills last night after having an argument with her boyfriend. She was in her late 30's and leaves behind not only tons of family and friends, but her 3 daughters twins in their 20's and a younger daughter who is in her early teens.
It has been a long, long day....her house is not far from ours and the parade of cars going by sent chills through my body. How sorry I feel for all of those left behind and how sorry I feel for those who felt there was no other option, but to end their lives. I dont understand why this keeps happening and I suppose I never will. I only know that more than once since losing Charlie I have felt as if I couldnt go on and I am so very, very grateful that I chose to!!!!!!
Thinking of all of us tonight and our children and all those whove left this world far, far too soon.
I surely hope our town will pull together , yet again as we say goodbye to another one of us. Theresa, the woman who took her life last night was a hairdresser (one of 3 haridressers) at the one salon we have (yes we only have one, plus a few small ones that operate out of peoples homes)so she was known by so many, many people.....such a small town with a neverending stream of tragedies.

15
Child Loss / Another Tragedy
« on: October 21, 2009, 09:11:32 AM »
So the young man who was killed in the MVA last week was cremated and his services are being held this afternoon. As if thats not bad enough there was another tragic accident yesterday and a 28 year old was killed. A construction accident. I truly dont know how much more our teeny tiny town can take, something has to give or someone is going to snap. Please keep our town and all of these families in your thoughts.....as we continue to walk this road of tragedy, side by side. Wishing it was all so different.

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