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Topics - Brenda(Jessica's Mom)

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Child Loss / Been a long time since I posted
« on: June 20, 2011, 08:14:07 PM »
Tomarrow marks 7 years since Jessica's accident, and Wed will mark 7 yrs since she died. Hoped to come back here for some comfort and understanding, its good to see all the familiar faces, all our beautiful kids, but not so good to see the bickering.
  That said, has anyone experienced other people expecting you to "get over it" by now. They forget the "dates" and seem surprised that you still get depressed around these days. Almost irritated.  I keep my feelings to myself all year except her angel date and birthday. Apperently I need to shut the heck up then too. So tired of self absorbed people.

Child Loss / 22 yrs old!
« on: December 30, 2009, 09:09:55 PM »
I cannot fathom that she should be 22 tomarrow. It doesnt seem real, or possible. As the years go by it gets "easier" to cope, but never will go away. Ill never forget you my sweet firstborn, my angel.

Child Loss / Big sigh
« on: June 21, 2009, 07:22:24 PM »
It was 5 years ago tonight around this time as a matter of fact, that I got the call from the cops saying Jess had been in a wreck. As you all know, she died the next morning. Tomarrow I will pick Indian Paintbrush flowers and put on her grave, like I do every year. I will never stop missing her. These 5 years sure have been long ones. Guess all my years left here will be...blah.

Child Loss / Mad as heck
« on: June 08, 2009, 12:22:26 AM »
As the 5 yr mark approaches I find myself angry all over again. My man is having teen angst problems with his son and only sees him one weekend a month now, and of course he is upset with this. So he says tonight how much this is upsetting him, and I say I know it is. He replies with "no, you couldnt possibly know what Im going thru..." I kept my mouth shut at the time, but now its after 2am and I am seething with resentment towards his remark. HELLOOOO I havnt seem my daughter in 5 FREEKING YEARS. I would GLADLY opt for seeing Jess one a month and know she is safe and sound over what I have- nothing. Now, in fairness, I know he meant noting with his remark, and was only speaking out of his own frustration. But even though he KNOWS what I have been thru in all these yrs he can still say what he said. I just want to bi**ch slap him and tell him to be thankful that he HAS a son.
 And to add insult to injury with in the last few weeks my ex ( the "dad") who raised Jess suggested that we didnt do enough to save her, that we should have insisted the docs keep trying, even though Jess herself begged me to let her go. She had crashed more times than i can count and it was over. Yet now after 5 yrs he says I gave up. WTH??
 Sorry Im venting after not posting much lately. As all the new parents come to this site I feel more and more helpless and dont know what to say anymore, so
I just lerk in the shadows. But i always think of all our children here.

Child Loss / Happy heavenly Birthday Jessie
« on: December 31, 2008, 10:31:46 AM »
As of 11 am you would have been 21. Thank you for the good dreams of you last night.

Child Loss / 4 yrs angel date
« on: June 10, 2008, 09:32:43 PM »
just adding this to the calendar

Child Loss / It's been awhile and I need to explain
« on: June 05, 2008, 10:45:50 PM »
First I am sorry I have negletced everyone, especially the newbies on this site. I am sorry for your losses. Things have been very crazy and very bad in my life, and I havent even come to the site to read as of late. My 2nd born got mixed up in the wrong crowd and drugs, and the more I tried to pull in the reigns and get her help the more she maipulated everyone around her to the point that she told child protection services that I was crazy and emotionally abusive. Charges of course have been dropped but the lies continue, from little things to big, and she has moved out and the cops say they cant make her come back (she is 17 1/2). mY HEART HURTS so much. I dont know how to cope anymore. She even came into my house when I was at work and STOLE the money I put aside for Jessicas Scholarship money.I had to change the locks to protect my house from my own kid. How do I keep going???? Im sorry I havent been here for anyone here latey. I am so overwhelmed I cant get my bills paid, clean my house, or remeber what day it is. I guess I need to vent and ask for some support, as my strength is gone.

Child Loss / Hurt by fellow grieving parent
« on: March 22, 2008, 10:38:57 PM »
First off let me say although I havent been able to post lately, I still read and think of you all every day. Things have been so stressful and I just havent had the words to help anyone.
 Anyways, I have to vent. This site has taught me to be compassionate to others in the same shoes, to encourage others to talk about thier kids, to try to help even if I need help myself. So we have a new gal here at work. I heard thru the grapvine that she too lost a child, so when I had the opprotunity to talk with her I asked her about it and encouraged her to talk. She was aware that I too lost a child, and seemed releived to talk about her loss. I asked all the right questions, even asked her to see a pic of her son (she lost him 12 yrs ago.) I also hoped to share about my loss. Anyways she never asked ONE question, and even incinuated that her loss was worse than mine cuz my kid was at fault for her death(MVA), and her kid was not. I am still at work and visibly upset now, and she still comes up when she has a chance to talk more about her son, yet cuts me off if I mention Jess. I am beyond words as to how a person in OUR shoes can be like this to one of thier own. I dunno, I guess I hoped to find someone to share with, but I just dont think she is going to be that person. Thank GOD none of you are like this. I guess this site wouldnt exsist if everyone was like that. OK. Done whining. Love you all. Brenda

Child Loss / I have 3 books up for grabs...
« on: January 24, 2008, 12:03:20 PM »
1. "And a Sword shall pierce you Heart" moving from despair to meaning after the death of a child  By Charlotte Mathes

2. "After Life" by John Edwards

3. "Beyond Endurance, When a child dies" byRonald Knapp

If anyone wants one of these books send me private message with your mailing addy and Ill send it to you.

Child Loss / all the birthdays
« on: December 15, 2007, 08:39:06 PM »
Just wanted to say happy heavenly birthday to all those dec babies we have lost. This is such a hard month anyways, then to have an angel date or birthday in the mix is so very very hard. Thinking of you all.

Child Loss / Weird happenings......have to share with someone
« on: December 15, 2007, 08:34:30 PM »
OK first let me say my boyfriend is not psycic, but I have always teased him that he could be if he would figure out how to harness it... he is very intuitive.
Anyways. Last nite,  its late, like around 130 am ( we are night workers)
and Im on the couch watching a movie and he is sitting at the computer just a few feet away. He acts confused and alarmed, asking me if I had put on perfume.. i say no... he gets up, sniffing, says he smells Jessicas perfume (which I have worn on occasion but hadnt in a long time.) He says he smells it to his left. Then its gone. He sits back down to the computer and I think he is going crazy. A moment or 2 more, and he is up again, smelling it to his right, strongly. I get up, smell nothing. Then my boyfriend got overwhelmed with emotion, crying even, witch is NOT something he does. He sits on the couch with me, says the smell is all around us, he feels Jess, he feels joyous and sure its her, and is overcome by it. I know he wasnt making this up. He kept saying that he felt like Jess wanted to say something, something to me, but he coulndt figure out what it was. This went on for about 20 minintes and then the smell was gone.

WTF???????   I never did smell anything, or feel MY daughters presence. I got very very upset, cried so hard until I fell asleep around 430, my eyes are STILL so swollen. If she was there, next to me, WHY COULDNT I FEEL HER???????????  I should be happy, happy that maybe she is trying to find a way to make contact with me, but I feel her loss more today than I have in a long time. I feel like S**T.
 Havent discussed it with my boyfriend at all today. He was tired, drained all day, and frankly, so was I. I jsut dont know what to think. Just needed to tell someone.

Child Loss / just posting on calendar
« on: December 02, 2007, 07:18:33 PM »
just posting

Child Loss / A cooworker shared her story tonight
« on: November 25, 2007, 07:52:29 PM »
Talking to this somewhat new girl whom she and I have hit if off from the start. Now I know why. We both are bereieved moms. Anyways, her story almost brought me to me knees, and I wanted to share. 20 yrs ago she was pregger with her 2nd child. SHe kept going into labor,docs kept stopping it, saying it was too soon. They were WAY off on her due date, she found out later. One nite, well into her tenth month of pregnanacy, she got up in the nite to pee, and had an overwhelming experience, felt surge of love, from her womb, heard the words " I love you mommy" then FELT her babies soul leave her body... baby died, but how lucky for her to hear her child in this way before he went to heaven. Touched my heart so much. She tells this story with the biggest smile on her face. I pray I can have that kind of peace someday.

Child Loss / Feeling especially sad today, no real reason....
« on: September 17, 2007, 09:06:06 PM »
For whatever reason I went into the archives of Jessicas website guest book all the way back to a couple of months after she died, and I got so heavy-hearted. Some things my mom wrote back in those early days of grieving hit me hard.... left feeling icky all day. I am so very very glad to have this ONE place to express how I REALLY feel. Thank you to all of you for being my friends. Some days I go to bed and realize that the the day was OK and then I feel quilty for having a good day.. I know most of you know what I mean. NOOONE else would get that. Because I got meloncholy today and entertained the notion of dying I feel even more guilty...... sat at the piano and played the song I wrote for Jess ( last thing I ever wrote) and cried and cried. I know I dont post enuff but still want to thank you all. Counting the days till I can be with her again. I am SOOO ready to go home.

Child Loss / To all who have birthdays and angel dates
« on: September 10, 2007, 09:47:05 PM »
Im sorry if Im not posting much, but do know I think about you all often. Wishing all this was different.

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