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Topics - RobinBlue

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Spouse, Partner Loss / A New Year
« on: January 09, 2016, 10:35:03 AM »
Good morning everyone,

I know I have been absent for weeks on end. I did my "turtle" routine and just climbed into my protective shell to weather the storm.

The month of November was extremely hard. There was our wedding anniversary (the 30th no less), Thanksgiving, Veterans' Day, the Marine Corps birthday and a whole series of "this time last year" memories.

I expected Christmas and New Years to be the same, but it was a bit anticlimactic for me. I think, mainly because our last Christmas and New Years (in 2014), Tom was under the medical microscope as they tried to figure out what was wrong with him. There was a lot of fear, depression and anxiety hanging in the air. I am convinced that he knew then that he was dying-he just wasn't saying anything to me about it because, as always, he wanted to protect me as much as he could. So this year, there was that black cloud of doom hanging over the house...just a big, gaping void where Tom should have been. But my neighbors took in this little orphan for Christmas and that helped. Then, for New Years, I was down with food poisoning so there wasn't a lot of time to dwell.

Now as I regain my physical strength, we've been hit with the ugly El Nino storms (I'm here in San Diego) and we have a small "ranch" of about 3 acres with a creek running through it. A lot of work for one person but, fortunately, I did a lot of prep work last year (one of those much-needed diversions) and so I came through this first series of storms just fine. I just have to take one storm at a time. Day by day-if anything, Tom's passing taught me that. To just stay in the day and let the present day "be".

But I had a small melt down yesterday. One of the financial institutions we did business with called. The last of our joint accounts has been closed. I don't know if anyone else was ever took it as a major blow-removing your spouse from the "financial empire" (big or small) that you spent your lives building up. For me, to take out the big eraser and remove Tom from our financial history was like burying him all over again. The things that he was proud of; the things that gave him comfort with no stress or worries. Our signatures; our names were side-by-side on everything. And now it's just me. And I know I have the memories so I KNOW he existed...but to look at everything from an outsider's point of view, it's as if he never existed at all. And that breaks me up.

Lord, I miss that man. And I still, almost a year after his death, wish he were here.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Spouse, Partner Loss / 34 weeks and counting
« on: October 13, 2015, 02:25:11 PM »
Today marks the 34th week since Tom passed. Yesterday was difficult as I relived spending Tom's last day with him in the hospital. Between a flurry of tests and doctors and nurses and his friend Carl visiting, we managed to squeeze in I love yous, hand holding. In my heart of hearts, I know he knew he was done. I didn't realize we were down to hours but I think he did and he just wanted to protect me. He insisted I go home around 3:30 and get some rest and settle in for the night since I'd had a bad night the night before. When we talked on the phone, he said he was tired and resting ... we said "I love you" once last time and said we'd see each other in the morning. 2 hours into Tuesday morning, his heart stopped and that was that.

In the end, we loved each other deeply and there is no one in the world that can say differently.

But having to go through the "bs" with his daughter and money she thinks she's due and attorneys has left me questioning if I was worthy of his love. Of course, when my little boat is upright in the water, I know I was. But let that little boat tip in rocky waters and I'm scrambling with my emotions.

And I was there yesterday. I cried so much, so long, so hard. I even grabbed the car keys and went for a drive and ended up wailing in the car while I was driving. Not a good thing. By the time the evening rolled around, I was ready to crawl into bed and sleep for the rest of the year. And I did sleep the whole night through ... I didn't have a choice ... but I'm still dragging today ... just emotionally drained.

But I have the distraction of having work done around the house today. That helps.

But I am also facing down an anniversary ... our 30th on November 2nd. And, wouldn't you know it? It would be on a Monday (Sundays and Mondays are the worst for me ... Sunday is when I took him to the hospital; Monday was the last day I spent with him). I need to get over to an Indian Casino and make a reservation to check in for that one night. Just run away.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Hitting A Wall
« on: July 27, 2015, 07:31:52 PM »
Now that the celebration of life is behind me (everything went well and I know I did Tom proud), I find myself stuck in a deep, dark valley of sadness. I'm back to not sleeping; drinking a bit too much - treating myself pretty rotten. I don't want to do anything at this point except hide under the covers and never come out.

And, to top everything off, I got a love letter from the IRS on Friday - someone stole our identity and filed fraudulent returns. That "distraction" got me out of my sadness for a little while. But now that I've done all I can for now, I'm back to feeling sad.

Right now, I can't even cry.

Spouse, Partner Loss / A First
« on: June 20, 2015, 04:19:22 PM »
This evening I am getting ready to go out on my first evening outing ... friends are taking me out to a restaurant that plays live blues. As I was putting my makeup on, I just wanted to break down and cry. I so wish Tom were here to go with me ... but, then again, if he were here we wouldn't be going to a live blues show because he didn't like the blues. I'm just a jumbled mess and I've picked the phone up a couple of times to call my friends to cancel ... but I hung up before I dialed the number.

Tom was always concerned that I would become "house-bound" because I a comfortable home-body. So I know I have to do this and I will probably enjoy myself.

But it's just so hard to think about doing something, as simple as going to dinner, without him. Darnit ... my emotions were pretty much on an even keel this week ... now I'm turning into an emotional mess again.

One foot in front of the other. This evening is for you, Tom. And I know he would be proud that I'm even attempting this.

Spouse, Partner Loss / One Month
« on: March 17, 2015, 07:01:13 PM »
Today marks one month since Tom passed away. The last few weeks have been busy with moving furniture, filing claims and getting (and returning) a second dog.

I still have my good moments and bad moments. And my head is still spinning at how quickly he passed and how much time has already passed since he died. I'm sleeping a little bit better. And I still go for daily walks.

I have even managed to get back to work ... just a few hours a week.

But I still have a gaping hole in my life where Tom once was. I know I shouldn't wish for things that I can't have ... but I wish he were still here.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Running Away
« on: March 07, 2015, 06:55:05 AM »
Good morning everyone!

Yesterday, I received Tom's medical records ... and I saw results to tests that had been run prior to when he passed. The cancer was in his bones. He didn't stand a chance and that ripped me apart again until I circled back around and found a blessing in that he went so quickly with a minimal amount of discomfort. The cancer, although aggressive and widespread, hadn't reached the point of causing all out pain.

I managed to sleep beyond the bewitching hour of 1:00 this morning. I'm also planning a day trip out and away ... a friend and I are heading out to the desert to take pictures of the spring flowers. I'm actually looking forward to getting out in the sun and feel the renewal and energy of the season. But it's a big step ... because Tom and I loved roadtrips ... big and small.

Spouse, Partner Loss / How Soon?
« on: March 04, 2015, 11:17:38 AM »
Good morning everyone ... well, after a long, emotional day yesterday ... I think I'm cried out for now. I was wondering, though - when did you all start tackling some of the estate affairs? For me, I find that it helps to get wrapped up in some of this stuff just for the distraction. Of course, when I'm done with my daily task, I fall right back into the grieving. But I'm just curious as to when everyone started filing claims and such.

Today, I also managed to get out for my grief walk - 30 minutes. It's such a pretty day. Tom would have loved it.

Spouse, Partner Loss / It's Been Two Weeks
« on: March 03, 2015, 04:45:23 AM »
Good morning everyone ...

Well, I managed to sleep for about 5 hours last night. And when I woke up, I was expecting it to be around 6:00. Instead, it was 1:45 ... exactly two weeks ago at that time, I got a call from the hospital that Tom had been moved to ICU. And in less than 30 minutes from that point, he would be gone.

It was not my intention to get up and retrace those steps and the phone calls and the panic and the shock. It really wasn't. Yet, here I am ... marking moment by moment where I was and who I was with. All I can remember is fragments of conversations.

And now I can't get back to sleep. It's 3:45 here. And I'm tired and I'm numb and I wish he were here.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Newly Widowed
« on: February 26, 2015, 07:38:51 PM »
Hi everyone,

My name is Robin and I just lost my husband of 29 years on the 17th. He was my buddy, best friend and soul mate. It all happened so fast that my head still spins. He went in for a swollen ankle in December ... by February 2nd he was diagnosed with Mantle cell non-Hodgkin Lymphoma then, 15 days later he's gone.

This man protected me and guided me for 29 years. He was my world and everything. He was with me when I buried my parents and another dear friend years ago. But I am emotionally lost without him here to help me through this - if that makes any sense.

I don't have family to speak of. I have friends ... but they're mainly his friends. He has family but they're all on the east coast (we're out on the west coast). I hate to keep drawing on his friends for support ... and making them listen to the same things over and over again. And, to top things off, I am painfully shy with strangers so a bereavement group, right now, just isn't part of the solution.

I have never felt pain like this before. I was bracing for this when he got the diagnosis, but the cancer wasn't even staged yet ... he passed before the final piece of the staging could take place. We didn't even get a chance to fight the monster (I survived breast cancer - 11 years out ... hoping for 12).

Yesterday was extremely hard ... I had to go in for my annual mammogram ... and he wasn't there waiting outside for me. I had to face the demon alone and it just rips me apart. I have never felt so all alone. I went from being a daughter to a wife.

In short, I'm a tearful mess.

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