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Topics - MissSteph4ever

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Child Loss / Aproaching the 5 year Angelversary
« on: April 10, 2018, 07:01:25 AM »
Its been a while since I have logged in to this forum but it seems i gravitate here when I need to vent privately and with no judgement. I am approaching the 5 year anniversary of the worst day of my life and its hitting me harder than I expected, I have been feeling very emotional about the fact that it will be 5 years on April 15th since I lost my 25 year old daughter Stephanie. I was reading posts that I have posted in the past and realize that I haven't really changed the ways I have been coping with the loss. I am still stuck and part of me will always will be stuck in denial, I don't want to accept the fact that I will never hear or see her again. I don't cry everyday anymore, I can go months at a time without having a crying spell because my heart now has scars and it usually takes a lot to break me down, a birthday, holiday or special memory but lately I cry easily, I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards. It's so hard living everyday with a broken heart, you put on your fake smile and do what you got to do to try and survive but it gets tiresome just going through the motions day after day and now year after year. I don't know why this year is harder than last but it is. Today when I got to wok I just drove right by and came back home and called in sick because I just couldn't put on that fake smile today.

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Child Loss / Feeling lost 3 years later
« on: September 16, 2016, 06:21:11 AM »
Today would have been my daughters 29th birthday but sadly she is forever 25 and not here to celebrate. I was thinking of getting a tattoo in her memory and I went into her closet looking through papers searching for a signature of hers that I could get tattooed on my arm and as I went through the box of her things, mementos, jewelry, make up, the tears started to roll. I don't know why I save her hair accessories and make up but I just can't seem to let anything else go, I have given away a lot of things but I still have half of her clothes, her stereo with all the stickers on it and the box of stuff I mentioned before, it is all in her closet. I have redone the rest of the room over for my grandson who is 4 and sometimes stays overnight but the closet is still hers. I still feel so lost without her even 3 years, 5 months and a day later. I didn't find anything tattoo worthy in there, only stabbing pain that I will never see her again and it breaks my heart. I am still thinking of getting a tattoo in her memory but I will take her writing from an old mothers day card she gave me  that was signed "I love you mama, heart Stephanie" and I want to get it on my forearm so that I will see it and remember how much she loved me. Birthdays are so hard, remembering this day 29 years ago, the birth of my beautiful girl and all the hopes and dreams for the future. Life is nothing like I thought it would be, both of my children have struggled with alcoholism, it killed my daughter who died of alcohol poisoning and my son still struggles to this day although he will say he doesn't have a problem. My marriage is a work in progress these days and I don't know if it will survive the long haul. I just go through the motions of life now and feel lost most days!

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Child Loss / The New Year and new hopes
« on: December 29, 2015, 10:28:20 AM »
It has been a while since i have been on the message boards but i wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing this holiday season. I see some new names on here and my heart hurts for those of you that are spending your first holidays without your child. This Christmas was the third without my Stephanie and it wasn't much different than the second Christmas, there are so many memories and i miss her so much. I had a dream of her last night and i said to her "I told you it would kill me if i ever lost you and it is" and then i broke down crying and she hugged me and i could smell her and then my alarm went off, i just wanted to go back to sleep and be with her again. It has been so hard trying to live with out her and accept that she is gone, it has been 2 years, 8 months and 2 weeks since she died and part of me can't wrap my head around the fact that its been that long. Every day life goes on but its totally different now, i am totally different, my marriage is totally different, everything and everyone has changed. My mother in law died in June, we were there when she took her last breathe and that was a tough time, making funeral arrangements was hard as it reminded us of planning my daughters arrangements. Life goes on  as i said and I am trying to look forward to the New Year with hope that i can make some positive changes in my life and maybe just maybe the sadness will soften some. I feel like i have just been going through the motions of life, going to work, eating, smoking and drinking to much, sitting around feeling sorry for myself, i have gaind at least 20 pounds and feel like a train wreck most days. I am not making any strict resolutions for New Years but i am going to start making healthier choices, not overindulging so much and just try to do better. I have also become a hermit for the most part and i want to get out there and spend time with freinds, and family and just start living again. I just want to go into 2016 hopeful that i will become a better person than i was in 2015 and maybe find a little peace within myself.

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Child Loss / Acceptance
« on: January 12, 2015, 10:55:08 AM »
I haven't been on in a while but i am having another one of those days. It will be 21 months on the 15th since i lost my daughter, and time just keeps ticking on and just when i think that i am finally accepting the fact that my 25 years old daughter died of accidental alcohol poisoning, because the pain is softening some on some days, i find myself having a major break down and crying uncontrollably because i miss her and i just want her to come back home. I can go weeks without crying and then hear a certain song or have a vivid memory and bam it hits like a tital wave of pain and i find myself crying like i did in those early days and asking .....WHY? WHY? WHY? I don't know if i am ever going to be able to accept it and maybe on those good days i am just fooling myself, by trying to convince myself that i am accepting it and in reality i am still in denial. Grief is so confusing, every day is different and i am realizing i have not dealt with it well and maybe thats why i am still stuck in between the denial and acceptance stages of grief. I have been self medicating with alcohol almost everyday to numb myself since the day she died and i know that is not healthy and probably part of my problem and i have cut back some and  i know that i need to stop using that crutch and deal with whatever emotions i have with a clear head and face the truth. Its so hard to look at her bedroom and her things and tell myself she is never coming back and not want to numb that pain. I can't even walk past her room at night to go to bed without pausing for a moment and saying good night and i love you to her. I can't stop thinking about her, the night she died, just everything and thought maybe i would start a journal and just start writing whatever i am feeling at the time down on paper and vent it all out. I thought about seeing somebody to talk to but i am not sure that is the kind of help i want as i know they just give you drugs to cope and isn't that the same as having a few drinks a day to cope? A friend of mine lost her 26 yr old son back in June in a car crash and she is on several meds now and i am not sure if they are really helping her or not as she still seems very depressed but how can she not be, i tell her i am here if she wants to talk but i rarely hear from her and i understand, i have a hard time talking about the fact that we lost our children way to young, i understand the need to be alone and wanting to be left alone. I quess the drug thing scares me to because i am afraid of the side effects and worry that they could push me over the edge, as i am not suicidal now, but i have had some dark thoughts in the past, in the early months, when i didn't think i could go on and felt almost a need to know she was ok in heaven, the drugs scare me. I quess all i can do is keep trying to accept what is and try to do it in more postive ways so that i can be there for my son, grandson and husband because most of the time i am shut down emotionaly, and they are hurting too and some times i forget that because they don't talk about it much at all. I am wondering is it possible to fully accept that your child has died before you?

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Child Loss / Riding the waves
« on: September 10, 2014, 09:55:03 AM »
Its been a while since i posted on here, i have been going on the compasionate friends page on face book the last few months but that is not private and all my friends see what i post or comment on. I was drawn here today because its private and this is also the first place i sought support online when i lost Stephanie. Her birthday is the 16th and its all i can think about lately, she would be turning 27 this year. I miss her so much and its only on pages like this that other people understand what i am going through. I am trying to move forward but its a hard wave to ride, this wave of grief is up and then down, and if your not careful it feels like it will pull you down deep. Its been almost 17 months since Steph died and i can't believe that much time has passed since i last saw her or spoke to her. My marriage is suffering, we both grieve differently and some times the distance between us seems so far, its hard to have those loving feelings when your heart is broken. We have had money and family issues as well, his mom has really bad dementia and he is going to have to become her gaurdian and his sibblings are irresponsible and can't even take care of themselves. I just keep putting on foot in front of the other and go through through the motions of life. I know now the pain will always be there and pray that some day i can find peace within myself. Its going to be up and down this next week, my grandson turns 2 on the 12th and we will be celebrating with family this Sunday which will be nice but its always a somebody is missing feeling when we get together now. Stephs birthday is the 16th which will be hard and we are going to to release a few balloons and drink a beer with her at the cemetary that day, she was all about celebrating her birthdays and i know she would love that.

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Child Loss / Going through the motions
« on: October 12, 2013, 07:19:42 PM »
It has been almost 6 months since i lost my beautiful daughter Stephanie and a part of me can not accept that fact. I see her pictures around the house and i think this can not be true, my baby girl can not be gone forever. I get up and i go to work monday thru Friday but i am just doing what i have to do, i am just going through the motions. I come from work to an empty house, i used to come home to my girl and my dog looking out the window for his mama, i would walk the dog and then we always had some girl talk before dad came from home from work. Today i come home the dog is in his crate, the house is quiet, i walk the dog, feed the dog and I pour myself a drink to dull the pain of my loneliness and wait for my husband to come home. He comes home and realizes that i am quiet with not much to say and asks.....whats wrong? Really do you have to ask? I wonder in my head but say ....nothing is wrong. I cook supper and clean up the dishes and continue going through through the motions. I go to bed and usually wake up in the early hours thinking about my daughter, missing my daughter, wondering how could this have happened to me? to her? I am just going going through the motions of life, i petend i am strong for my family, but i am weak. I break down when i am alone, i miss my girl so much and i feel like nobody understands, everyone has moved on it seems, but not me.

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Child Loss / Face Book
« on: September 15, 2013, 08:06:22 PM »
I would like to know what anyone who has lost an older teen/ young adult child thinks about Face Book...... Have you deactivated their page following their death? Have you kept it activated as a place to visit for yourself, freinds and family?

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Child Loss / Missing Stephanie
« on: September 11, 2013, 08:05:33 PM »
Missing my baby girl and all the ways she was unique. Stephanie was 25 years old and she died of alcohol poisoning on April 15, 2013 at a new older friends house. The police came to tell us at 3 am, it was a monday morning, i remeber getting mad when my husband told me the police were here and wanted to talk to us, i thought she was in jail and i remember saying this is a great way to start a f***ing monday! It didn't cross my mind she was dead, she had stopped doing drugs and was soon going to be evaluated for alcohol counseling, court orderd because of some trouble she had with the law. Everytime she had any contact with the police she was drunk, so her sentence was probation & an evaluation for counseling and i thought things were looking up. It confused me when the cop said i am sorry to tell you that Stephanie is dead, i went into shock and i still haven't found my way back to reality. We had a memorial service for her the following monday and it was standing room only, she was loved by so many people, i wish she had realized how much she was loved when she was alive, she never felt good enough, and she was stunningly beautiful, funny (usually in a innapropriate or smart ass way), smart, caring and she was a social butterfly. My husband i are burying her ashes tommorrow morning, just the two of us, her stone has been placed for months but i haven't been able to let go until now. Stephanies birthday is monday September 16th and i feel like i need to put her at rest completely before then, i need some closure and i want to be able to bring flowers to her grave on her birthday. I am glad i found this sight, i need to vent and i feel like nobody wants to here about it anymore, it makes people uncomfortable, including my husband (Stephs Dad) who holds it all inside. I am sorry to say i have only had two days since her death where i didn't have a few drinks to numb this pain that feel, i hate coming home to an empty house, i used to come home to her beautiful smile. Thanks for listening to me, it feels good to get it out. :angryfire:

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