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Topics - searaccoon

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Sibling Loss / When do things get better?
« on: May 10, 2014, 02:52:06 PM »
I lost my brother a year and three months ago..  and the pain of it only grows worse and worse.  I find myself thinking about him obsessively all day every day.   He was my whole family-  my everything.  My deepest fear is that we simply cease to exist when we die and that I'll never see him again.  Since losing him I no longer feel God.. I feel nothing.  

My brother was 39 and died from a pulmonary embolism, also leaving his wife and three year-old daughter-  he was a stay-at-home Dad and adored his daughter.  She was severely traumatized losing him.. and is still in diapers all day at the age of 4 and a half.  She was once confident, now she is withdrawn and fearful..

I'm sorry to be so tragic, but what else can I do but be honest here?  I am usually one who comforts and encourages people, but now all I feel now is mental torment-  I've no strength left anymore...


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Main / Question
« on: June 01, 2013, 02:48:42 AM »
I'm sorry to take up space with this question, but I've searched the help section with no luck..  my question is how do you upload a picture?  I have tried about 10 times with no luck, I am in the right place- Forum Profile Information, and it appears to allow me to upload a picture, but once I save it, it disappears, every time.  I want to put up a photo of my brother and I..  can anyone help?   Oh, also, what is an angel date, and why won't the chat option work?  It says my username doesn't exist, does the chat even function?   Thank-you in advance

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Sibling Loss / Question and more feelings about my brother
« on: June 01, 2013, 12:41:06 AM »
Please tell me, when I write new entries should they appear on the main page like this one, or should I be writing under the original posting I made?

Thinking about my brother David constantly.. Had a dream that he was able to come back to life and I was SO happy, it was so real that I still believed it for a minute after I woke up-  and felt devastated when I realized it was just a dream and he wouldn't be coming back.

David and I were close our entire lives- even though he was 5 years older, we played together every day as kids.  Things were good when I was really little, very nurturing and loving environment.  We (my mom, David, and I) even all slept together in the same bed until David was about 11.  That may not be recommended, but I think it was sweet.  Besides, until relatively recently with the developed world, that's how people slept-  all together in a one room shelter or sorts.  My brother would always wake up first and he'd wake me up to play with him.  David was just such a sweet big brother to me, another fond memory is that he would call me on the telephone and pretend to be Mickey Mouse, who I loved..  He did the voice well and I completely believed it!  He also got up on the roof with bells at Christmas so that I would believe Santa Claus was coming.  He was such a sweetheart like that..

I don't know if the following disclosure is appropriate for this place, so PLEASE let me know.  I was going to say we were close our entire lives except for periods of separation..  My mother remarried when I was nine and decided to leave 14 year-old David behind and she took me with her to Montana to live with the husband.  David lived at a friend's house for a year, and then went to live with our aunt and uncle in Seattle.  I will never forgive my mother for robbing David and I of those precious years together, and for coldheartedly abandoning her son.  My anger and resentment about it has re-surged with losing him.  I just can't help it.  My sweet sweet brother never stopped trying to reach out to our mom, though she had lost the right to his devotion.

Sigh..  okay, to take a different turn-  I love flowers, smelling them, running my hands over the petals..  I've been admiring the spring blossoms and reveling about the beautiful photographs David used to take of flowers and other plant life.  He became interested in photography and excelled at it as he did most things.  He also liked to photograph spiders on their webs as he was mesmerized with the web-making and maintaining process.  Truly beautiful photos.  He would spend hours, just appreciating nature.  So many beautiful traits about him.  I am truly lucky to have had such a wondrous brother.  David was my best friend.  I lost my brother and my best friend that day.

From my brother:   Dear Susie, you are my inspiration, and these notes will ring love to you for eternity. Visualize Fiona and you and the special sunset with the moon, and me too--we're one spirit so positive and real with no boundary
- my precious brother wrote this to me, it captures how he was with me always, truly, his love was unparalleled among brothers... Such a beautiful soul and gentle spirit whose transcendental love, dedication, and compassion I was the blessed recipient of as an unworthy little sister. My brother was a miracle being gifted to this world and to have known him was to have known the greatest of men................


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Sibling Loss / My brother was my best friend...
« on: May 29, 2013, 11:13:47 AM »
I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to write again-I'm rather fragile these days and can find doing anything at all difficult.  It's strange that we sometimes withdraw so when the isolation is a poison that bleeds us.  I know this and still I return to solitude in my lowest times.  I want you to know reading these responses brought me a much needed warmth and I can see that I'm really not alone.  Thank-you for allowing me to be my depressed, grief-stricken self here.  No one wants to be around that, but I feel safe being bluntly open here, and I really hope that it's okay.

More about my beloved brother David...  he was a stay-at-home Dad to his precious daughter, Fiona, three years old.  Fiona was the light of his life and I'd never seen him even comparably as happy before his daughter arrived three years ago.  Indeed, it is a tragedy for her and she is having a hard time of it.  He was with her 24/7 and to suddenly be completely cut off like that..  She is in counseling and seeing a social worker.  I am going to use this space to be completely honest and open, though it kills me to say this..  Fiona is not the bubbling happy, carefree child she was,  there's a definite consistent low mood about her and she's become highly insecure- such as too afraid to go down slides she would have jumped on before.  This has affected her profoundly..  and you know what?!  You know what pisses me off??  She's been with David day and night for three years-  but because she's so young, she won't remember any of it.  All the hours David spent doting on her drawing, singing to her, reading to her (and he did the BEST reading with different voices and sounds and everything), rocking her to sleep for an hour or more, talking to her CONSTANTLY and always telling her how special she was and how much he loved her, and countless other things.  They lived in Seattle, WA and I live in Portland, OR, three hours drive.  I went up there OFTEN for at least 4-5 days each trip so I spent A LOT of time with my brother and Fiona, and I am telling you I can't fathom a more loving, nurturing, doting dad.  All I can muster is WHY?!  Sigh..

David was also a devoted husband to his wife, Shannon.  They were married 14 years.  Shannon is a real sweetheart and was a blessing to David.  David was a tender husband and often massaged Shannon when she came home from work.  David worked an an electrical engineer before they decided for him to be a stay-at-home dad.  David often commented that being a stay-at-home daddy was "the best job I could ever have."  Less income was no sweat to David as we grew up poor ourselves.

Ohhhh   PLEASE tell me why won't he talk to me??  Why won't he show me a sign??  I talk to him and beg him to, to have that confirmation that he was okay, that he was existing as a being in a beautiful place.  Why can't he show me?!  Why?!  What does that mean?  I believe in God, but I have my doubts, and most recently, anger.  I've been doled a whole lot of loss and abuse in this lifetime. Oh, the agony of it..  My biggest fear:  humans simply no longer exist when they die.  Why can't I receive a message or a sign so that I might have some consolement? 

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Sibling Loss / Introduction- Grieving the loss of my brother
« on: May 07, 2013, 09:05:39 PM »
My incredibly loving and devoted brother, David, died suddenly from a pulmonary embolism on February 4th, this year.  He was 39.  He was at home with his wife and three year-old daughter.  The pain of his loss I am finding unbearable and I am in agony as to why he was taken from me.  Our dad committed suicide when I was just two and he was 7.  So much loss!  He is my only sibling.  David was the rarest gem among brothers and he loved me and supported me beyond what a parent would.  The most beautiful of souls was he and I am sick with pain that he was taken.  Such an injustice is incomprehensible to me and I feel a loneliness in this world and universe that plagues me. 

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