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Topics - Rodney

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1
Spouse, Partner Loss / Wedding Anniversary!
« on: February 23, 2015, 10:43:18 AM »
Hello everyone, I don't even know how to feel today, kinda numb I guess. This is so wierd...being without my Jennifer, and starting life over. I have been seing someone, and if that hasn't brought up some issues, in the last few weeks. I know Jennifer would & did want me to be happy, and that thought I hang on to. Yet, this day would have been our 9th anniversary, and I wish I knew how or what to feel? Sorting through all the stuff inside...I guess it comes down to a sense of sadness, missing her and that I guess is "normal"? I have to laugh at myself for playing shrink on myself, because I'm not particularl.y fond of "shrinks", no offense to anyone.

I was remembering our last one together, and she was in her hospital bed at home, and we had no money to buy anything for our anniversary for one another. I remember her saying: "happy anniversary baby!", and I honestly don't remember what I said in response, and that bothers me a little. I'm sure I responded in kind, yet just don't remember it. I do remember her, and that day! I sure do miss her!

I'm not sure what to do, or what to say? Kinda feeling in limbo here, uncertain, confussed a little, mixed feelings, and yet gratefull to have been loved so deeply by such a beautiful woman as her.

Thank you all for reading. Hugs to all!
Rodney~

 

2
I have moved over the mountains to the valley where it all started, what seems so long ago, and have moved into an old house my beloved Jennifer, and Regina shared at different times, long story. For two years after Jennifer's death I didn't work, helped a friend. Yet, sense moving to the valley I have been working steady now sense August, and have bought a cute little Montero 4x4, and accumilating "things" again, and yet there persist within me this emptyness, this loneliness that just knaws at me, not all the time, yet mostly, and I so wish she...Jennifer &  Regina was here to share these "things" with. I think thats the thing knawing at me is the loneliness now. Not having them to share our life with...that's the hardest thing now. I know in my heart they all had a part in helping me gain all that has come my way, even the little bit of peace I feel from time to time, comes from them, and our love we shared. Please don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for having the blessing of knowing both my lovely wives, and having the courage & love to be there for them in their hour of need. Not to mention all that they taught me along our walk upon this lovely earth together.

Like i said; it's been a long while sense I was here, and wanted or needed to say hi to one's who understand, for the people around me don't get it, and i keep it to myself...close to my heart...which isn't as broken as I once felt it was once upon a time not to long ago.
Thank you all.
Great big hugs to all!! 

3
Spouse, Partner Loss / So lost!
« on: January 07, 2013, 04:29:59 PM »
Yesterday was ten months sense my Jennifer passed away, and I just can't shake this feeling that I'm just going to wander as a homeless person for awhile. I have had this sense she passed, and you know...it's ok. Because I don't know what else to do. None of my supposed friends want to talk to me about what's really going on so I keep writing in my journal which is my only true friend sense Jennifer. I've looked for work yet the economy is so bad here, and being without a car just makes it that much more difficult. I have to just resign myself to my fate for now, and maybe it will change someday. Yet that someday isn't today, and it wasn't yesterday so I suspect it won't tomorrow. Just saying the odds don't look good. Unless there is some kind of miracle which I honestly don't expect that either, because if there were going to be one it would or could have come 11 months ago when we really needed one.

4
Spouse, Partner Loss / coversation with God, journal entry.
« on: December 25, 2012, 04:37:35 PM »
My love, it's Christmas...it's Christmas, and my heart cries out for you are not here! Your in your grave! I am alone! I feel so alone on this day you loved so. My soul searches for relief, yet finds none. Has God abandoned me also to my grief? Am I to carry this agony the rest of my life? How shall I heal? How shall I carry on? How shall I live without you...my love? How shall I live without God? For it seems all have turned their backs upon me. Leaving me in...in this slaughtering of my heart, and soul. My body seems to exist in this void. How do I....? What is this thing called death? Separation? Yet the memory of you still lives within me. Even when I wish it was all wiped clean, so the pain would cease. Yet I could not live with that wish being fulfilled. For as much as I don't want this pain, all of what happened is part of me now. I really wouldn't trade it for unknowing you, loving you. I just wish I would think, breath, sleep! Yet waking reminds me of your absence, and laying down reminds me of my loneliness, my isolation without you, and I cry far into the early morning for you! It is Christmas...the first one without you, and I don't know what to do! There is no tree, no presents, no family, no you. I sit here listening to Psalm 77, over, and over, and I just want to scream at God....WHY? Why has everyone abandoned me in my old age? Am I, was I that evil? Maybe so? Smoking cigs for relief yet get none. Hope for a phone call yet want none. Whis for one true friend to cry on their shoulder, and find none. Remember God's dealings within my own life. I always seem to walk away or the thief comes and takes my hope in the night? I don't know where it goes.? Yet find it gone all the same. Your dead, and gone, and I search for God to ease my pain. Finding myself alone in this white bleak, frozen waist land all alone...cold as stone. Cracked within! Is it because of my sin's? Is there no redemption for me? God, my God...how long do I have to plead? My throat is dry from my tears! My ears are deaf from Your silence! To whom do I turn? Where shall I search? I have sought Your face within...only to find this pain that won't end. You say the kingdom of God is within? Yet all I find is ruins and rubble with no end! Oh Lord, where are You in my sin? I am left alone it seems till my end.
I know, I hope this won't be the end? The endless hopelessness...dis-pare...is called a sin? Yet that seems all I am. Oh Lord...please...oh please...come to my rescue in truth, in light, in love....please end my plight? Can I sleep this night, any night?

((((((((((ALL))))))))

~Rodney~

5
Spouse, Partner Loss / Computer may be on last leg,
« on: December 20, 2012, 02:22:05 PM »
((((((((((((((((((((Hugs to all)))))))))))))))))

Just a heads up to everyone. Our computer maybe on it's last leg so if you don't hear from me I hope you won't think the worst. I am having a really hard time, maybe because it's the holidays. I finally was able to get a hold of my godmother, so she's try to do her part, god bless her. Yet if this thing does down all our communication comes to a screeching halt for who knows how long it will be before we can replace it.

Peace to all~Rodney~

6
Spouse, Partner Loss / Triggers ?
« on: December 07, 2012, 11:40:23 PM »
I really hate to say this yet have nowhere else to vent. It started out actually to be a day where I could actually think a little clear, and then went to shit with one interaction with my roommate. This made me ask myself "what is it that is bothering me so?" except the obvious of Jennifer being gone. What it comes down to is I feel like Jennifer's kids stole from me the recognition of being the one man in their mom's life that loved her no matter what. Through thick & thin. In sickness & in health till death do us part. No matter what I did what ever I had to do..what needed to be done I did it. Like two summers ago I had to make a choice of taking care of my wife full time because no one else was there to do it or go out and find a job because no one was going to pay our bills as they said they would so I could be home to care for mom. This meant leaving my wife alone most of the day, and no one checking on her while I was gone, and they could have. So I went out in hundred degree heat in Texas and found a job. I walked two miles in this heat for three months, and finally had to give it up to care for my wife. I feel like I was used by the kids until it was all over & then thrown away like trash. Where this comes into the roommate issue is she wanted to blame me for her dog being sick. What struck me was she talks to and about everyone like that so it's not me. Even her kids she talks to like this...again not me. So I was pissed yet didn't say anything just went out side and asked myself what was going on with me that I feel like a piece of shit when I shouldn't feel bad about what I have done. Thats when the kids came to mind. Now mind you that I love the kids or else it wouldn't hurt so bad. And the grand-kids...wow being called grandpa and hearing the feelings in that I really miss, and that was stolen from me by their parents who by the way are hospice nurse's...go figure. On top of all that it keeps hitting me that we/I lost everything we accumulated over the years. All the keep sakes, letters written to each other over the years when we were apart. The stupid dancing bear she got me for valentines day last year. By the way when Jennifer died I cried over that little bear. A blanket she inherited from Regina that Regina's mom made. She called it her little binky. Also the bible I got her when she was confirmed one of her daughters took and won't give back. It's all so fucked up & I can't fix any of it & it just eats at me. I know it's all just stuff, yet it's stuff I can never replace ever. I don't want to have a resentment or be angry. I don't have time for that or want to feel this way. I want my slate clean because I know how important that is. I have seen two women face their deaths and that was all that mattered was cleaning their slates as best they could. They taught me that. I'm starting to ramble I think, yet hope this makes sense. Thanks for reading. I do know that what really matters is what I did for my wives, between them and I is all that really matters, but the kids didn't have to be so cruel. Sometimes I feel like I should just pack up what I have left, two bags of stuff and walk on down the road. For how would really care...no one...I know this from spending two months on the streets after the kids through me out on the streets. People drive by you & don't even care to know how the hell you got there or even if you want help getting out.  Now I'm done. Thank you. ~Rodney~

7
Spouse, Partner Loss / Nine months today.
« on: December 06, 2012, 02:58:44 PM »
I really don't know what to say as I sit here with all this pain. It's almost like it was just yesterday that I sat holding Jennifer's cold dead hand in mine waiting for the coroner. Hours I waited....five hours I held my beloved's hand...wailing, and waiting what seemed like forever. I miss her so. That phrase doesn't even come close to the feeling, yet it's all I have. I miss you so...my love.
~Rodney~

8
Spouse, Partner Loss / A strange conversation...
« on: December 06, 2012, 04:42:04 AM »
Now please bear with me, and I'll explain what happened. I had finished my journal entry for the morning. Then was on the computer, and started typing these words exactly as you see them. When I was finished I wept. They weren't the usual gut wrenching kind. They were tears of being close to Jennifer just for a moment, and I haven't felt that in a while. The one below this one is what I translated it into. There are some inconsistencies yet I think you'll get the picture. I wanted to share this with a close friend yet have none. So your all I have for now. And thank you for bearing with my craziness.

"There's no net under me. Just free falling into nothingness. Empty space all about me. No one anywhere? Screaming help me please someone! Nothingness surrounds me constant companion. What do I do? Can't think my way out of this pain that envelopes me! Rumi say's the healing is in the pain! I don't want to be here in the pain. So Iím fighting it? Why? So much to do! Nothing to do! Have to do something soon? Or what will happen? Everyone will get tired of me and my pain! My pain is all I have left. There is nothing else but this grief! This missing you! Where to go? What to do? Run! There is no running from the pain it's inside me! I carry it always...forever with me haunting me like a ghost I can't see to fight! I lost everything, you, home, kids, all my possessions, you where everything fuck all the stuff! I'm so alone without you! Can't go on like this for long...forever? Or can I? Why not? Who cares really? Just a man, a broken, lonely old man that no-one knows like you did my dear, and I miss that! Someone to know me! Only I want you, and only you! Yet I can't have you...your dead! And I'm all alone stuck inside myself with no escape! Tormented by my memories! Lost in those memories! Abandoned to myself! Who am I? With out you! I feel so broken inside. The shattered pieces of my soul are to many! To many shards to pick up and look at by myself! Yet I have no-one else to help me but me? Isn't that funny! All by myself. Left to pick up each and every broken, painful piece alone! This is a curse of some kind? I have no god to reach for! No gods at all anywhere in sight! Alone and broken! Godless, friendless, wifeless, broken, shattered, pieces missing...your missing! Your missed my love...your missing! What to do? Nothing to do? Feel! Fell apart! Feel some-more! Why won't this stop? Molding you! Changing You! You is me! Why isn't there separation? Because we were one! Are one! One left behind! For what reason? Don't know! Be true to thy self? What self? The pain! Be true to it! Why? Why not! It's all you have left! Oh great! I don't want the pain, the sadness, the lonesomeness, the wanting to end it all haunting me day in and day out! So I fight the pain! Shove it down! Deep deep down where no one can see not even me? That's impossible! Really? Yes! Impossible! Fore that's all there is inside me! You have to face it head on! Lean into it hard! Don' let up until it gives you what you seek! What is it I seek? Relief? Yes! No! Answers? To what questions? To many! How many? Zillions! And none. I just want you back without being sick! That can't happen. Why? That's a question! I know so is all the rest! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
No one knows why! Some one has too! Why? I miss you! Why? I hate you for leaving me alone! For getting sick! For dying! It's funny...I can say why I hate not you yet your death, the sickness, no hope given to us! For picking up that fucking syringe in the garbage! Why do you do that? I know? No I don't? Know I don't! My love! Please don't leave me all alone! I'm sorry baby....I have to? Why? I don't know? I love you! Please stay! Just for a little while longer? Please! It's not possible! I have to die! Just like you will some day? Some day! I don't want to do it without you! You won't! How's that? I don't know! You do? No I don't? Yes you do just dig, look, search? Where? In the pain! It's there! Waiting!
You were there for me! Yes I was! I'll be there for you! Look, seek, dig, don't be afraid! Waiting? Waiting in this thing called grief! Torn asunder! To pieces! Millions of pieces! Painful each on holding onto there own agony! Wait to be found, collected, cherished? Put back in place! Where? Only you'll know that when you look...really look! Look at what? For What? Where to put it! There is to many! Do one at a time! How? They gang up on me! They are many! I am one? No your not! How? Because I am with you! Really? Where? I'm in you...in your heart! Waiting for you to find me! I can't do this! It's to much? There is no time? That's all you have left! What? Time! So use it! While you can! I'll be here cheering you on my love! Just hold on please? Don't know if I can? You can...just breath! Once more for me? I'll try? That's good! Let the tears come! Each one is precious jewels! Jewels of what? Of your love! They hurt? I know! Under the hurt is love! Missing! Longing! Passion! All that know no bounds! You showed me that! No you showed me! Now I'm showing you my love!"

This is the revision of the above which turned out to be a kind of conversation with Jennifer. I understand it very easily could be how I would know how she would answer me. Yet the effect it had on me at the time was profound. Again please forgive the length.   I kinda hope someone may get some good from it.
 
Me;  There's no net under me.
Just free falling into nothingness.
Empty space all about me.
No one anywhere?
Screaming help me please someone!
Nothingness surrounds me, my constant companion.
What do I do?
Can't think my way out of this pain that envelopes me!
Rumi say's the healing is in the pain!
I don't want to be here in the pain.
So Iím fighting it?

Jennifer; Why?

Me; So much to do!
Nothing to do!
Have to do something soon?

Jennifer; Or what will happen?

Me; Everyone will get tired of me, and my pain!
My pain is all I have left.
There is nothing else, but this grief!
This missing you!
Where to go?
What to do?
 Run!
There is no running from the pain, it's inside me!
I carry it always...forever with me, haunting me like a ghost I can't see to fight!
I lost everything, you, home, kids, all our possessions, you where everything fuck all the stuff!
I'm so alone without you!
Can't go on like this for long...forever?
Or can I?
Why not?
Who cares really?
Just a man, a broken, lonely old man that no-one knows like you did my dear, and I miss that!
Someone to know me!
Only I want you, and only you!
Yet I can't have you...your dead!
 And I'm all alone stuck inside myself with no escape!
Tormented by my memories!
Lost in those memories!
Abandoned to myself!
Who am I...with out you?
I feel so broken inside!
The shattered pieces of my soul are to many!
To many shards to pick up, and look at by myself!
Yet I have no-one else to help me, but me?
Isn't that funny!
All by myself.
Left to pick up each and every broken, painful piece alone!
This is a curse of some kind?
I have no god to reach for!
No gods at all anywhere in sight!
Alone, and broken!
Godless, friendless, wifeless, broken, shattered, pieces missing...your missing!
Your missed my love...your missing!
What to do?
Nothing to do?

Jennifer; Feel!

Me; Fell apart!

Jennifer; Feel some-more!

Me; Why won't this stop?

Jennifer; Molding you!
Changing You!
You is me!

Me; Why isn't there separation?
Because we were one!

Jennifer; Are one!

Me; One left behind!
For what reason?

Jennifer; Don't know my love?

Me; Be true to thy self?
What self?

Jennifer; The pain!
Be true to it!

Me; Why?

Jennifer; Why not!
It's all you have left!

Me; Oh great!
I don't want the pain, the sadness, the lonesomeness, the wanting to end it all haunting me day in and day out!
So I fight the pain!
Shove it down!
Deep deep down where no one can see not even me?

Jennifer; That's impossible!

Me; Really?

Jennifer; Yes!
Impossible!

Me; Fore that's all there is inside me!

Jennifer; You have to face it head on!
Lean into it, hard!
Don' let up until it gives you what you seek!

Me; What is it I seek?
Relief?
Yes!
No!
Answers?
To what questions?
To many!
How many?
Zillions!
And none.
I just want you back without being sick!

Jennifer; That can't happen.

Me; Why?

Jennifer; That's a question?

Me; I know, so is all the rest!
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Jennifer; No one knows why!

Me; Some one has too!

Jennifer; Why?

Me; I miss you!

Jennifer; Why?

Me; I hate you for leaving me alone!
For getting sick!
For dying!
It's funny...I can say why I hate not you yet your death, the sickness, no hope given to us!
For picking up that fucking syringe in the garbage!
Why did you do that?
I know?
No I don't?
Know I don't!
My love!
Please don't leave me all alone!

Jennifer; I'm sorry baby....I have to...just for a while!

Me; Why?

Jennifer; I don't know?

Me; I love you!
Please stay!
Just for a little while longer?
Please!

Jennifer; It's not possible!
I have to die!
Just like you will some day?

Me; Some day?
I don't want to do it without you!

Jennifer; You won't!

Me; How's that?

Jennifer; I don't know!

Me; You do?
No I don't?

Jennifer; Yes you do just dig, look, search?

Me; Where?

Jennifer; In the pain!
It's there! Waiting!
You were there for me!

Me; Yes I was!

Jennifer; I'll be there for you!
Look, seek, dig, don't be afraid!

Me; Waiting?
Waiting in this thing called grief!
Torn asunder!
To pieces!
Millions of pieces!
Painful each one holding onto there own agony!

Jennifer; Waiting to be found, collected, cherished!
Put back in place!

Me; Where?

Jennifer; Only you'll know that when you look...really look!

Me; Look at what?
For What?
Where to put it!
There is to many!

Jennifer; Do one at a time!

Me; How?
They gang up on me!
They are many!
I am one?

Jennifer; No your not!

Me; How?

Jennifer; Because I am with you!

Me; Really?
Where?

Jennifer;I'm in you...in your heart!
Waiting for you to find me!

Me; I can't do this!
It's to much?
There is no time?

Jennifer; That's all you have left!

Me; What?

Jennifer; Time!
So use it!
While you can!
I'll be here cheering you on my love!
Just hold on please?

Me; Don't know if I can?

Jennifer; You can...just breath!
Once more for me?

Me; I'll try?

Jennifer; That's good!
Let the tears come!
Each one is precious jewels!

Me; Jewels of what?

Jennifer; Of your love!

Me; They hurt?

Jennifer; I know!
Under the hurt is love!
Missing!
Longing!
Passion!
All that know no bounds!

Me; You showed me that!

Jennifer; No, you showed me!
Now I'm showing you my love!

Thank you for reading a crazy man's ramblings.
Peace~Rodney~

9
Spouse, Partner Loss / Jounal entry. This is a long one.
« on: December 03, 2012, 03:15:55 PM »
I'm going to copy this exactly how it came out. forgive the length.
I am a little nervous in sharing this, yet it I felt needed sharing.

"12-3-12
    My love, what do I say...I miss you so much! My words lack the expression of what I truly feel. The depth of feeling...of this pain is to deep for even I to fathom...to understand...to express in any understandable or coherent fashion.  And I so long to express it clearly for all to see. For me there isn't anything else but my feelings. Feelings of unimaginable loss. Feelings of sadness which my heart is incapable of containing let alone expressing...only in those moments of uncontrollable expression when all pretense has fallen away and my mind cannot pretend any longer that some how it's going to be OK somehow some way...I find myself on the floor on my knees screaming for you! Hoping you hear my cry, see my tears, know I love you! I beg for release from all that is and has been my life! From all the pain my heart and mind can no longer take...for it is to much for a man...this man to bear. How do I express ...tell someone, anyone...you my love of how, oh so how very much I miss you!? It is breaking me down...down to nothing! There is nothing to hang onto except my grief. In the last nine years I have watched three women I love more than my own life wither in agony down to a shadow of the women they were and perish into oblivion! There are only pictures of them left. Images of only two dimensions giving the illusion of a life once lived. I say illusion for no-one knows the person in the image except me. How I miss, long for...wish for nothing else but YOU! There is nothing else that really matters is there? The continued silence I live within is deafening most of the time. Having no-one to actually talk to ...makes the silence complete.
For none can really know how I feel. Because everyone's experience of loss is individual and contained within it's own contexts. There fore no-one can really know another completely, not really. And the one's that have come the closest to really knowing me are now dead and gone. And I am left alone with that knowledge and it is within that contexts...my experience of these losses (lonesomeness without you) that I find myself. (Darkness) The only expression that I have is my writing. That I find no solace, or comfort, nor peace. Just an inability to put into words what and how I truly feel. This lack...of words, thought, is debilitating in its own right. And I am not sure I have within me the willingness or ability to work at finding that-this voice I seek for. This darkness I live. no, exist within...I find my internal eyes adjusting to slowly for it is dimly lit so maybe I can identify the feeling landscape I find myself trapped within. Like the man in the iron mask, locked in a stone enclosure , cold, and isolated from any and all human contact...without meaning or purpose...just existing in a space/time one can only describe as hell! With no end in sight. And what appears as an "end" to this hell is only an illusion, a mirage, a trick of the mind. For I know under all the trappings of "life" there is no out-there  somewhere else. Some time down this lonely dark road I trudge that you won't be dead, and I won't be missing you....alone!
How many different ways can I say...how much pain I feel? It feels like someone or something has opened my chest...wide...reached within my living, conscious body with the most blunt tool ever invented by mans crulity, and started slowly...ever so slowly...ripping my heart into thin shreds of bleeding, feeling flesh. And these threads have of flesh have a nerve of sorts attached which is linked through a vast network of fibers and other nerves which reach throughout my entire being...and as they are torn from me, some slowly, some lightning fast with no fore knowledge makes my very soul (if there is such a thing?) scream out into eternity...forever...screaming for you! Within each moment the tearing continues and as it does my fleshy heart screams out in silence for you! And there is no relief, from, or for me from these unseen forces which I have no choice but to bear.How is it possible for a man to live in such a place for any amount of time? This unseen dimension I described above is my continual ever expanding reality from which there is no reprieve. No "time served" for good behavior. No reduce sentence. Just the continual internal screaming from every molecules of this being people call Rodney. Who cries out NO....NO....NO...NOT AGAIN!! Not this again! PLEASE PLEASE STOP!
The "this" expressed here is the horrifying...unimaginable experience of choosing to stay and watch, slowly, my love's die from terrifying disease's. Knowing the whole time...with every waking and sleeping moment there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop this from happening again, and again! And now it is like having a movie play upon the screen of my heart, and soul their lives, illnesses, and slow deaths shine continually in front of me with no intermission in sight for I am bound to my fate from which there is no escape. There is a scene in the movie "The Mummy" in which the main character is wrapped, bound with no hope of escape. After having his tounge cut out...made mute....and bound he is placed within a sarcophagus with lots of room...being deep and wide...And before the locking lid is put in place these flesh eating Beetles are dumped upon his squirming body as he screams in muffled tones with eye's wide with fear and terror shining through. This is another analogy of how I sense my existence...bound....muted....deep in the earth with no hope of release from these creatures ripping there way through my flesh, heart, and soul for all eternity! Wow! This all came out of me! And it matters not where I am physically for I carry all this and much, much more within me.
Loving You Forever~Your Husband~"

Thank you for you patience~Rodney~

10
Spouse, Partner Loss / Just stop the world & let me off!
« on: December 03, 2012, 12:41:41 AM »
I'm so lost all the time. I think I'm just stuck in this hell, and there's no way out. No matter what I do or how I try to distract myself just for a moment....then it's gone. I have been crying for the last week. It's a different kind where tears just stream down my face all day long, and I keep wiping them yet not stopping them. I just let them role down my cheek, and through my beard. It's a deeper pain than before not as numb maybe. It's so hard to stay put in one place right now for I just want to run....run....run away from everyone till I'm different somehow?
That day will never come cuz I been waiting unconsciously for the damn phone to ring...it's never going to ring again like I want it to so badly! My roommate is maybe having her kids come around xmass, and I don't want to be here for that. And I don't know what to do? I have nowhere to hide, and when the tears come on hard I have to leave the building and sit in this old room used for the hot water heater. It's full of holes, the walls are, and all concrete. I just want the world to stop and let me off! I keep telling myself "others have gone through this." And
I ask myself "who do I know who has buried two wives?" The days go by and I can't even tell anyone what day it is let alone the date usually. I haven't slept well in a long long time. Actually sense Jennifer's death. Two or three hours a night, and I drink sleepytime tea and cross my fingers yet no good comes from it yet its warm. I talked to a nieghbor yesterday, the first person I actually spoke to in days. and she informed me that her loss was four years ago and she's just now getting some feet under her so to speak. I said...omg I have been through so much just in 8 months, and her year is approaching right around the corner so I have just started this path and I see no light in this tunnel I call hell just memories, loneliness, deep deep sorrow that just cannot be quenched. I thought, hay I really don't have anyone to talk to about any of this physically that is. So I'll start a blog and just tell our story to the world? Well I was all excited got the blog up and running started writing for two days. Then went back and read it....omg my writing is horrible. No I'm not being mean to myself it's just a fact. Yet if I could work on my writing ability it might work. So anyway I pulled the blog and saved it for another time, another place. Sorry to come on and dump. This is just all so...so much, and having you all is great and all yet it's not the same as having a good ol' friend to listen to the words I speak....it's just not the same. I so miss having a good friend I can call anytime day or night. It's been so long, years. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.
Well till next time.
Peace~Rodney~

11
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Rodney
« on: November 19, 2012, 01:55:19 AM »
I don't have much of a clue as to what I am doing, where I am headed out there in life, or in here wrestling with my grief. I do know I have identified a new fear and this fear is the coming holidays, and I know this one is way future tripping yet Jennifer's 1 year. I have had a horrible weekend so far, and have had a realization that I am going to have to move from this place I live now for it has become unbearable being miss treated emotionally.
I am so much like my Mother, because I went to bed last night in a horrible mood because of my roommate, and this morning I woke up with a plan or as best of a plan than I've had which is none at all really. So this plan is getting some work so I can buy a little pickup save a little money so when the end of February comes I will be heading to Jasper, Tx. so I can be at my wife's grave at least on the first year. I only came to Oregon to bury my Mother's ashes on the homestead which I am hoping to accomplish on my way to Texas.
Like I said not much of a plan yet I have to get out of here yet am not willing to throw myself back into the streets to be homeless in the beginning of winter. So I'll have to tough it out and I figure (cross my fingers) if I'm focusing on work, and saving money I won't be so exposed here, being used as an emotional punching bag. I have had enough.

Thanks for reading. ~Rodney~

12
Spouse, Partner Loss / Self Pity?
« on: October 16, 2012, 11:21:16 PM »
Hello to anyone, and I am heart broken over that any of us are here, yet am thankful that this place is.
Because I need an ear so to speak. I was told tonight that I am in "self-pity" and it felt like someone punched me in the gut. I am deeply hurt. Not to mention very mad if not pissed off. I am in shock that anyone would say such a thing to someone who's wife, and mother died in the last 7 months.
The thing is if I had some where else to live I would be leaving right now! Yet this is the person who helped get me off the streets after my wife's daughters kicked me to the curb. Yet needless to say it was a heated debate because even if I am a guest I am not going to be treated like a piece of garbage by anyone so I stood up for my right to grieve, and morn. Some how I felt like I should feel ashamed of my pain! I want to through a whole sack of cus words out here yet I won't. I sense that this is going to end badly, and if that means I am homeless again then so be it. For I will not allow someone to shame me into acting. I am shocked, mad, appalled. I asked them; "do you think for one min that I want to feel the way I do?" they did not answer. Of course I don't want to feel as if my heart is going to burst open any second, yet I do. I don't know if there is a question in there or not just needed to get it off my chest a little, yet tomorrow my be interesting.
~Peace~Rodney~

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