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Topics - amyluvsron

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Main / Ron would've been 44
« on: September 23, 2010, 07:47:59 PM »
Ron like collecting dragons and mystical creature figurines. We were in a store at the mall around mid June and he said he wanted that for his birthday as he pointed to one. I was planning on getting one for him and having a little intimate dinner and desert for him at my place. I don't know if I still will even though he is no longer earth bound. I haven't gone to his grave yet. I was thinking of asking his friend to take me. Guess we'll see.

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Main / What brought me here?
« on: September 23, 2010, 07:38:36 PM »
Hi, I'm Amy and I just recently lost the man I loved a few weeks ago.

We met while taking the bus to work, separate jobs. He worked as a landscaper. We spoke a lot about various things. Usually it was me doing the talking, he didn't mind. I hadn't seen him on the bus in awhile and had moved closer to work. So, I hadn't been taking the bus since my work was so close I could walk there.
 
I had moved to my new place in early March, and one beautiful, sunny day in late May I happened to be walking to work, as I usually did, and walking towards me there he was. I was taken by surprise when he stopped me to talk, he wanted me to join him for coffee. I was running late for work though and couldn't, he asked for my number and said he would call me. I didn't expect him to though, he didn't seem interested when we had spoken on the bus.

I was wrong, the next day, early evening, I was out doing some grocery shopping when he had called me. I had missed his call, but he left a message. "Hi Amy, it's Ron, call me back." So I did, immediately. He had a friend drop him off at the grocery store and he helped me carry my groceries home. When we got back to my place we sat and talked. When he announced he had to leave, he tried to kiss me, but I didn't want him to think I was easy, so I turned my head and just hugged him. I believe we had discussed him coming over the next evening, and he did. We talked some more and watched some TV. He was sitting on one couch and I was laying on the other just chillin', watchin TV when he gets up and walks over to me, leans down and just kisses me. I was taken by surprise, but I liked it. He was like "I'm gonna lay down" and I was like "OK?" He wanted me to join him. I was nervous, but I did. He said he just wanted to lay with me, yeah right! I knew what his intentions were, and though a part of me was nervous and scared, I wanted it too. Now mind you, I hadn't been in a relationship or dated anyone in years. I had just had surgery for fibroid tumors a little more than a year ago and hadn't had a physical relationship with anyone for a little over 3 years. It was always painful before and after and I was so scared it would hurt. So, I went in to lay with him, telling myself at first that nothing is gonna happen. He starts kissing me and I'm liking it, then he starts touching me and I had stopped him for a moment, I had to explain to him why I was so nervous and scared. He was understanding and caring, and I just couldn't help myself. It did hurt a little, as I expected. He left a little later and I had never expected to hear from him again, but I did. We started spending a lot of time together. Only after 3 days he was talking about moving in together and I got scared and put on the brakes. He needed to get out of where he lived and I agreed he could stay for 2 weeks, I helped him find his new place. While he was staying with me, things were great! When he had left for his own place, I wish he hadn't. I was falling in love with him, so quickly. He had then flipped the switch with me and began telling me that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship. He had been married previously for 11 years and only divorced for 2 years. The marriage was not good, but he had to deal with her still because they had a son together. At one point he even broke up with me, but that didn't last because he just couldn't stay away from me. He would say one thing, but he was always with me. He practically spent every night with me even though he had his own place. He'd come over after work, we'd make dinner, sit and watch TV or play games online. We were so comfortable with each other, I felt for the first time I could be myself and it felt good. We had this playful banter with each other that was goofy and cute at the same time.

The last time we were together was my birthday, Wednesday, August 4th. He had said he wanted to do something for me but hadn't had the funds to do so at that time, but when he got paid he was goin to take me out. He had spent the night before and we had woken early in the morning to prepare for work. We both wound up going in late because he was giving me a good birthday present. :) The only reason I mention this is because we hadn't been intimate for days before because he hadn't been feeling well, he had been feeling dizzy at times and tired and had even been vomiting. I had had a really bad day at work and was in a fowl mood, but after work Ron did his best to make my birthday nice. We had taken a shower together and he had brushed my hair afterwards, I loved when he did that. He had brought over a pie left over from his boss/friends party we had gone to over the weekend. He made me dinner that night and we sat in bed talking and eating that pie. He had complained that his chest was hurting and we discussed him seeing a doctor soon.

The next morning, Thursday, August 5th, we both left the house to go to work, that was the last time I saw him. :'(  He had called me about 5pm and I text him back advising I had just been fired from work and would call him later. I was still at work and needed to collect my things, but we (HR and I) wanted to wait until everyone left. When I got home I called him and he was very sympathetic, he said he hadn't gone to the doctor yet, but his chest was still hurting and he was just going to stay home that night. He had called me later in the evening to check on me to see how I was and he said goodnight.

The next day, this would be Friday, August 6th around 11am he called me to say his boss/friend took him to the hospital because he was having pain in his chest and numbness in his arm. He said he would be Ok and he would call me later. That was the last time I spoke to him. :'( So, I waited by the phone, and waited, and text, and no response. I called his friend and they didn't know anything. I don't believe I slept much that night and when I did, I dreamt I was in the hospital begging him to hold on.

Saturday morning, August 7th a friend of his called to tell me he was dead. I was like "are you sure? how do you know this?" She called me back and told me a family member called a friend of his and hers and told him. I then called his boss/friend's wife and his boss had his sister who works at the hospital check and confirm the news. I freaked out! I couldn't believe he was gone, I still can't believe it.

I keep thinking about the what if's? What if I had made him go the hospital that night of my birthday? What if I had given him some of my BP meds? Would he still be here with me? What if I had gone to the hospital? Did he want me there? Is that why he called me? I should have gone. But then, when I tried to call the hospital they wouldn't tell me anything because I wasn't family, I was only the girlfriend.  I probably wouldn't have been able to see him anyway, or would I have? Would the family have allowed me too? I don't know, they didn't know me. Ron and I weren't together that long, but I loved him and I still and always will. I miss him so much it hurts. I don't have much left of him. A few little things, like a shirt he left, a few pics I had taken, and a voice mail. Well, and my memories, which I will hold on to forever.

As I write this tears stream from my face because I miss him so much! I can't seem to move on, it's just to soon. Though some friends try to discount our relationship because we weren't together long. Like a person can't fall in love that quickly? It makes me so mad! Like I should just be over it already. I just can't let go, I loved him so much and miss him everyday! I can't sleep at night and don't eat sometimes. I find myself wishing and praying to be taken so I can be with him and all those who have been taken from me.

I don't deal with death well. I lost a brother to suicide 4 yrs ago and that devastated me, took me a long time to come to terms with it. I then lost another brother to an aneurysm Father's Day 2008, and my father to heart failure 3 months later 9/28/08.

My friends say I've had a lot to deal with in the past 4 years, which is so true. I'm doubting my beliefs and whether there really is a heaven. Will Ron and the others be waiting for me? I also been asking why does this keep happening to me? What did I do so wrong for this to keep happening? Why is everyone I love so dearly being taken from me? WHY!!!?  Ron used to always say to me whenever I would get upset or down, "You're stronger than that." Sometimes I wonder, am I? I don't want to be anymore. I'm just so tired of hurting.

I promised my sister and the few friends I have I wouldn't take my life, though I came close the night of Ron's funeral. I came back to the empty house with my sister and completely lost it. I should have been taken to a mental facility, but wasn't. I could hear Ron saying, "You're stronger than that!" and I yelled out "No, I'm not! I can't do this!" and he said, "Yes, you are!" and still I felt I couldn't, but then I realized my sister was there and I couldn't do that to her. I had to leave the house that night and stayed with friends for a few days. I'm still having trouble coping from day to day. I cry all the time, miss him all the time. I just want to be with him again! I pray everyday to be taken, one day, hopefully sooner than later we will reunited, hopefully? If there really is a heaven.

Sorry this is so long, I tend to ramble at times.

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