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Topics - jbryant

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 2nd year
« on: July 11, 2014, 04:59:45 PM »
well its coming on 2 yrs now and I've come and gone from the east coast back to the west 6 times in 2 yrs and I want to go in Aug for his day but not sure yet. I'm finding this to be even harder than the first year and I know it has to do with me living with family for that first year but my loving sister thought it would be best it helped but it was a mistake cause I've had to live it for myself alone for the first time and trust me its a whole lot of difference but things happened so fast that year its still a blur at times. all the books I've read has helped me so much to see things in a clearer manner and it keeps me longing for more and I just keep reading. I've learned how strong a man can be in times of sickness and a amputation and Doyle was that man.as I'm sure everyone has that same person in their life and misses them just as much. I have also learned that being a caregiver for over 20 yrs ( parents one at a time and my grandmother and then Doyle) well to pick up and carry on after its all done and over with well Im still learning how to pick up the pieces and carry on but Ive been out of touch with reality to long I think the world changed right in front of me and I didn't notice I guess I was just to busy. to those who wonder if their is a God well let me tell you Im living proof their is its been 2 yrs and Im still hepc neg and I didn't take any drugs to off set it (interferon) cause no Dr. could tell me how I aquried it back in 1979 and I was a carrier and I would die from it and to top that off their is no more cirrhosis of my liver not even a trace so you tell me. Im blessed to be love by one man for 37 years and I thank you and I love and miss you more today than yesterday and Im sure it will go that way till we meet again and I will stay true to our love cause that's just the way it is.
Im still healing with my Hospice work and I will continue till I know differently. Thank you all for listening and helping me along my journey. to be continued  JB  :love9:  :love4:

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Spouse, Partner Loss / happy weekend everyone
« on: May 24, 2014, 11:52:53 AM »
well its that time of year again, spring has sprung and summer is upon us and its time for a change just a little I might say but a change. we have fallen to the pits of hell and returned to form a better us but the struggles we carry with us well its not a burden its an honor the badge of the loved we shared for our mates.
I also want to give a Salute to all our Vets.out their Thank You for your service. and may God Bless us all happy weekend everyone

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Just Another Day
« on: April 25, 2014, 05:20:31 PM »
Time has marched on since I first got here and it seems like yesterday,so many changes, so much to reflect on the good times the bad and all in between. it will be 20 months and it can be another 20 yrs and the pain will stay, we have no choice of the matter as im finding out. so I just roll with it cross that bridge when I get to it and try to make the most of what life has instore for me,  Im sure in time I will figure it out but for now still one day at a time, becoming a Hospice Volunteer has help me along this journey more than I know how to explain it. it just gives you a warm feeling inside knowing just being their for them in their last days is all it takes.
no matter how long I walk on the earth my relationship with Doyle will never die and I will wait till we meet again. thanks for listening and remember we are all here for the same reason JB :engel2:  :love4:

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Spouse, Partner Loss / just quite
« on: January 08, 2014, 05:26:28 PM »
just a hello and how is everyone doing this new year I hope fine as for me well yall know how that story went but im still hanging in their it's hard but as time has passed so has some of the pain, still searching for the new me and I guess this is the new me in time we will see wont we my first class in on the 27 through feb 5 and Im hoping that's where I will find the new me thanks for listening everyone and my we all be blessed in this new year  :love9:

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Spouse, Partner Loss / im still here
« on: September 17, 2013, 06:59:36 PM »
its been a while since my last post but ive made it 13 months have a new apt my sister boyfriend of 23 yrs kicked us all out of his house me first and then my sister all in the month of aug 1 yr from Doyles date but I guess thats life don't know why he did what he did but I was moving out anyway he just made it sooner Im starting my Hospice training on the 23 of sept hopeing I can help in some way or another I hope I can reach out to the gay partners/spouses and be their when their loved one makes their transition to where ever it is we go as for me Im getting stronger as the days go by gained 23 lbs in the process and the rollercoaster ride from hell and back keeps on rollin thanks for listening and my God bless us all JB

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Almost one year
« on: July 20, 2013, 08:11:21 PM »
Last year at this time we were living like their was no tomorrow he was so strong and so brave and I guess he knew his time was short but not that short it's strange how our bodies knows when to start shutting down cause I know mine is  I do believe this will be the hardest two weeks yet to come I'm sorry for not posting more but y'all know where my heart and soul is still and I do know that he has came back to my soul but I'm still torn apart but better than before I'm flying to his sisters in Pa.the 24 till the 11th and will be around all his family and will visit the cematary thanks for listing  :love9: :engel2:

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 11 months and counting
« on: July 05, 2013, 03:36:00 PM »
Yep been 11 months to the day and I'm not looking forward to next month but its gonna come and I will cross that bridge when I get to it. And I ain't looking forward to it but we all must cross it and hope we come out better than before. I stopped walking the mall in the morning before they open for exercise cause the woods and trails help you more and here in WA we have a lot of that, nature seems to help more than inside. I can't seem to understand why Doyle's brothers and sisters don't have anything to do with me anymore I reach out to them well y'all know the rest of this story so I will chalk it up to experience,they have their own family's and I guess that's why but I will keep sending them his art work he did while he was doing chemo and amputation of his leg and that's 7 yrs worth. They like it to so it's all good I guess.
  My doctors have done 2 months of  blood work on me and they said my Hep.C is gone and my cirrhosis in gone as well one more testing in aug and the testing is over and no more gastro docs now that's gonna be strange cause I've had hep c since 1980. To all the new people who have joined WH  I welcome you to the best place you'll find out thier on the web and a great big thank you to all my brothers and sisters here on webhealing for all of the support over the past 11 months I love you all  again many thanks and we are stronger and better than before and we will carry on cause like Billy Prestion wrote in 1969 that's the way God planed it ( you can find the tune on iTunes )  :love9:

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Spouse, Partner Loss / at peace
« on: April 27, 2013, 01:19:41 PM »
been gone for a while but had to get thru the top of the mtn to see the truth of what grief truly is and I now know how this is so draining to our soul and the mental torture is pure hell but Im made it over so now to the rest of what life has to offer I dont know but im gonna find out its only been 8 months since Dolye flew away but we had the hardest 6 yrs any 2 people can endure im sure thier is worse than ours but he lost his leg from a fall at work and then cancer came and his poor little body couldnt take anymore he was so broken but had the happiest faith of any one .I now listen to our favorite music still and I dont cry as much anymore but the hole in my heart will never heal . many thanks to all of you here for your surpport and all the reading on the borads it's helped me a lot and Ive read quite few books as well and still reading,so now the journey has begun its time to go back into the real world been a caregiver so long only to my family members it took me out of the real world in 94 and now to renter in 2013 thats why it's called a journey so lets see where I wind up it's all up to God from this point many thanks ya'll JB :love4:

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Spouse, Partner Loss / a new hello
« on: February 06, 2013, 11:29:45 AM »
You know Ive been around the block a few times in my life and it's made me stronger and now Ive lost the love that was supposed to grow old with (maybe God said for 2 gay men 35yrs was enjough) but that aint gonna happen now Ive come to terms with that. ive read a lot of books on grief brevement ect and it helped some,but  Ive learned the same thing here first before the books.
Ive learned that it's a lot different to mourn and grive as a gay man cause not many openly admit it still and alot of people just dont think we can stay in a realtionship cause all I hear is ( when I do hear from people) ya'll were togather that long WOW well their is a lot of us out thier and been togater longer than Doyle and I (we will be here when you need us I know I will be ) so to all the gay couples and the gay mourners reading this please be gentle with yourself it's hard thanks for listening John :tearyeyed:

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 5 months
« on: January 07, 2013, 08:20:13 PM »
hi everyone sorry for the delay in a post but had to learn a lot in such a short time the help on this website and my music has kept me sane Ive learned that we had the best 35  yrs anyone could have wanted we might have been poor but we made it and I will make it cause I promised my Doyle I would .we are the first couple (same sex partnership)to recive spousel death benfits from the state of wa . would rather have my Doyle but God needed him more,but the cancer was the fact of his death  :tearyeyed: Im still not sure what im supposed to do yet with this new life im to start over we lived in our own little world and I not good dealing with people anymore got to old I guess and was a caregiver for to long you know I can deal with the being alone but the loneiss is killing me still living at my sister and her husband need to move but scared on that to time will tell love you all also welcom to all newcomers you found the right place Peace to all John

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Doyle & I still lost
« on: November 14, 2012, 08:26:37 PM »
it would have bee 34 yrs for us on the 12th and it's been 3 months since I last said I loved you to him Ive been seeing 2 theropists and ive been reading 3 books and ive been here reading a lot of stories.I still cry everyday but to know the difference of the tears we shed for our loss makes it a little easier but the real pain has set in and it's so hard.
I stay in my music most of the time it's been so much help for me cause I seem to relate to the music to our love for each other Ive found the Family that I thought I once shared with him (his family) well we seem to have went our seperate ways but he told me it would be that way.yes we had the time to talk things out and we always thought their would be another tomorrow how we were so wrong.
But he knew and ive come to relize that he knew long before and just kept quite and smiling and telling me it's gonna be alright keep and happy face and carry on well my love it aint that easy Now to figure out what it is Im here for now cause Ive only known how to be a caregiver for so many yrs been around so much pain in my own life that ive hidden for so many yrs and now learning how to cope with all of this at one time well everyone here knows just what im saying and feeling in some way or another.how I hope the light will shine on me one day soon cause I feel like ive been thru enjough hell in my life to last 2 to 3 lifes but that's life right? Im still lost but im more dont know that answer yet .but Im sure that one day soon I will see things feel things as I wait for this new normal we will all come to experience one day soon but right now all can do is dream and remenincse in my memories  :tearyeyed: Im gonna ride up to Mt Ranier this weekend to see some snow and dream and try to figure out what Im supposed to do now we just learn to deal with the pain, yea right I just dont know Im still learning but its one day at a time and we'll cross that bridge when we get to it guess what were here now what??????????????????????

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 2months out
« on: October 05, 2012, 10:14:43 PM »
Inot a newbie anymore I guess but to me I always will be but the past 2 months have been a pure hell trying to pretend to others im ok and im not I hurt so bad and theirs nothing no one can do to stop the pain and it justs keeps getting harder and harder it seems I wonder now I could have left him on the respratior at least I couls be with him but im being stupid .
I felt his soul part from mine that day it was at 530 pm if flet like my heart and soul just being ripped out it's a feeling I will never forget and it will neverr be the same again its just so hard to explain in words but I know you who are reading this knows the feeling .
It's like his aunt said to me in an email the only one who can help you now is God .I guess it will be this way for a while on the 3 of every month I'll just reflect on those last 2 days over over  and over again till it will stop oneday Seals & Crofts said it nicely in thier tune we may never pass this way again  thanks for letting me vent

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Spouse, Partner Loss / I'm a newbie
« on: September 12, 2012, 10:55:55 PM »
Hi my name is John and I lost the love of my life and soul on aug 5 @6:15pm his name was DOYLE and I miss him so much we had 35 wonderfull yrs  and we were hoping for many more till cancer set in it was so fast and ever since then the world is spinning so fast now I'm lost in a way and in another I'm not my sister moved me out of our apt.so fast when I came back from NC I was out now I'm staying with her and my brother in law I've been reading the bords and we are all here for the same reason and I'm hoping this will help me cause we weren't very outgoing people we stayed to ourselfs cause that's all we needed we have our family and a few close friends but mainly it was just us and we were very happy I took him back to NC to bury him with his mother that's what he wanted his family was very friendly and thankfull we were young when we met he was 17 I was 19 I'm 53 now and all alone for the first time in my life and I'm scared I had to go home in 1994 to be caregiver to my mother and then it became my father and now I'm in 2012 and was Doyle's till aug 5 theirs so much I need to know now and I'm taking one step and day at a time like yal,ll been saying I listen to old music we liked it helps I cry a lot it helps he had a large cell pancoast tumor in his led lung which also wrap around his heart valve then it spread to his spine went to the ER cause he couldn't breathe so I gave him more morphine for Air Hunger and that dint work so Igave him more it got us to the ER they said it was phenomionia 12hrs later Ilistenedto his last heart beat only after 3 mins off the ventilater so now I'm on this lonely journey down this dark road but I think with all the help I've seen and read here this is the right place to be at this time thank you for listing and reading my story and like everyone here theirs a lot more so now I will again cry myself to sleep thank you John  :LA:

I want to Thank everyone for the nice hello,s and welcomes I knew when I read the forms this was a nice safe place I hope my being an open gay man is no problem to anyone or afend anyone we were not a very open gay couple but we didn't hide it either my Doyle was in the construction industry a brick mason tendr and very good at it so his boss says lol he fell off a ladder in 2007 tore his knee into 105 pices they tried to put it back together but it didn't work so he got a new knee and that didn't work either so he lost his leg above the knee And it just sorta went down hill after that but in all of this hell we went thru he found a hidden talent he could draw like Picaso Monet and he fell in love with it all and he got dam good at it I hope I'm posting this right if not please help many thanks for listening
 

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