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Topics - mnjenzim

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Main / I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« on: September 07, 2010, 10:43:45 AM »
My post may be a little different than a lot on here. I don't have a really recent loss to speak of. It's been over 2 years since my Mom past away. I am 38 years old with no brothers or sisters. I never knew my dad. It was always my Mom and I. I was also close to my Grandma, who passed away in 2004. Recently I discovered that, contrary to what I thought, I was still very much in the grieving process. I think as adults, we get busy in daily life and sometimes in order to function, we force our grieving or pretend it isn't there. Sometimes it just feels easier. Dealing with the emotions of grief can feel downright crippling or suffocating! Sometimes we just need a break from it!

My Mom passed away unexpectedly on February 11, 2008. She was 59. I would say I went through the normal stages of grief through 2008, but recently some things have surfaced. I have been terribly emotional, insecure and just all over the board. I thought it was work stress, anxiety, hormones. At times I worried I was literally losing my mind!

The other day I came to realize that what had been causing all this was actually grief. I had unresolved issues from missing my Mom and from being left behind as the only child. Even at 38, I feel like a orphaned child. I feel like I'm on a family tree, with on one above me and no one around me. I have a wonderful husband of 15 years and a beautiful 6 yr. old son. I don't at all discount their value and presence in my life. But no longer does my life have a source here on earth. I don't have anyone to share memories with, no one to tell me about the day I was born or when I lost my first tooth. I feel like I'm floating in space somewhere. I know I'm not alone in my life, but I feel alone...partly because I'm it. I don't have any immediate family that's been there since the beginning or even close to it. I also feel alone because I don't know anyone who is an only child. I can't relate to anyone. It's terribly difficult. And it doesn't help that I live 1000 miles away from what family I do have (aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws,  etc.). We moved away after my son was born. My Mom moved with us. She gave us so much and was my son's first best friend! I think to make it easier on myself I stopped talking to her without realizing. That just made me miss her more. Who will I watch old movies with and make Thanksgiving dinner with? Who will I even reminisce with about the times when we did those things? I hate the idea of having to deal with this pain. But I guess I have no choice. How do we get to a point when we can freely keep our loved ones' memories alive without pain, without doubt or question of their continued presence in our lives? Is there such a thing? How does an only child do this?

I would love to hear from anyone out there...only child or not.
Thank you for "listening."

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