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Topics - barbp

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Main / Don't know how to cope
« on: May 02, 2010, 07:36:06 AM »
The night before last I had a terrible nightmare involving Jeff's death. I woke myself up screaming and it felt as if I lost him all over again. :(  it took me all day yesterday to fight back from the depth of despair and I was only able to do it with the help of my daughter who spent her entire day with me.

Yesterday it was 3 weeks that Jeff slipped away from me. Since then I have been struggling with the pain of him being gone, financial difficulties, his "still wife" who has been making my life a living hell (had to change my phone numbers and get my home number unlisted), starting a new job and just coping with the loneliness of this place.

Everything I do feels wrong. I stay home I feel isolated, I leave the house I feel I should be home. :(

I make it through work each day and then I come home and sob. I know Jeff would not want me to live this way, he always said that I have been through enough in my life and I deserve to be happy, but he WAS my source of happiness. We did EVERYTHING together for 1 1/2 years!! We loved each other so much. How do I move forward, how do I beat the loneliness? I just don't know. :(

Main / Horrible day yesterday - Dealing with insane "still" wife
« on: April 25, 2010, 07:43:28 AM »
I am so exhausted. Yesterday Jeff's still wife came to pick up some of his things. She is an abuser and used to beat Jeff viciously during their marriage. He clearly suffered from PTSD. She showed her true colors as she was here and became increasingly angry. Thankfully I was not alone a friend of mine and my youngest daughter were here. It got so ugly that we had to call the police. She threatend me verbally, all the while their three children 18, 15 & 13 were present. She had been using them all along as the "go-between". Even though she didn't even set foot into my apartment, she kept looking in and even demanding MY furniture which I had bought when I moved in here LONG before I ever knew Jeff.

I am going to change my phone numbers tomorrow, I already blocked a couple of the numbers she used on my cell phone. I may have to get a restraining order against her if she keeps harrassing me.  All I ever did was to give Jeff a loving home where he felt welcome and could relax. He called it his "bat cave". He so needed to feel loved after having been treated so poorly for 18 years!!

I am not good at handling confrontation on a good day, now it is almost impossible. I hope I can get some rest today, starting my new job tomorrow. :(

Main / Visions that won't go away :(
« on: April 23, 2010, 05:10:32 AM »
My daughter & her fiance left here yesterday and I am now alone for the first time since Jeff's death. Saturday it will be 2 weeks since my nightmare started.

I still have vivid visions of finding him dead, calling 911, dragging his body from the bed to the floor and doing chest compressions under the instruction of the 911 operator. I remember the all encompassing fear so well.

After the medical examiner left I was able to say goodbye one last  time. He was still on the floor, next to our bed, now covered with a white sheet (he slept in the nude). I remember kissing his by then cold forhead and telling him how much I love him. How sorry I was that I could not save him.

How could I not have realized he was in distress during the night???

Even though I was right there when he died, I am still waiting for him to come through the door saying "I'm Home! I missed you!"

Main / Intro
« on: April 19, 2010, 04:47:46 PM »
Hello Everyone

It has been a long time since I came here. In 1997 I lost my oldest daughter, Katja, to suicide and this place was a lifesaver for me.

Today I am back because during the night of Friday, April 9 (Katja's birthday, she would have been 32) to Saturday, April 10 my live-in boyfriends passed away in his sleep. He was only 53. Besides the agony of losing this beautiful, kind man, I am now in severe financial trouble as his "wife" (he never got a divorce so not to disturb his children's life even further) has taken even the money we had already budgeted away from me.She is a physical abuser and beat Jeff (my BF) severally for 19 years until he could not take it anymore and moved out. He had an alcohol problem, do to all the pain he had been going through, but the coroner said he was healthy. They are now waiting for the tox screen, but do not expect much from it. He just stopped breathing in the middle of the night. They said he went peacefully, but there is no peace for me. I loved him so and I miss him so much. :(

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