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Topics - reinn

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Main / missing my friend
« on: April 14, 2010, 06:55:23 PM »
I can't fathom ten years without her. I'm a different person from the scared little girl I was when I had to say that goodbye, but at the same time, I feel like I'm still waiting for something to happen, for some sense of closure.
I'm graduating from a pharmacy program in a little over a month, and planning on getting married before the year is done, but it feels like there's this huge black cloud over it.
I'm so so angry at her for leaving me, and at the same time I feel like the worst kind of person for being mad at her.
I want her here with me to help me celebrate these huge parts of my life, and it feels empty. I'll never find a friend like her again, and my heart aches from that.
I don't know. Maybe I really am going crazy.

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Main / Ten Years
« on: April 05, 2010, 08:02:17 AM »
Today is the ten year mark. Ten years without my best friend.
She died on a Wednesday. I wasn't home to get the first call, and I think that will haunt me until I die.
I was almost done with my sophomore year in high school, and she had already finished her GED. I'd joined the track team to get out of last period class, and the practice had ran over. I got home and when I called back, I found out that she was gone. She'd committed suicide at about 3 that afternoon. I wasn't home-I wasn't there to answer the phone when she called. I wasn't there.
I don't recall much about that evening. I remember crying, screaming at my family to just leave me be. I remember making the call to my two friends that hadn't heard yet-one told me that she didn't hate me for telling her-one told me she'd hate me forever for telling her. I don't blame either one for her reaction.
I live in a small town, so rumors spread like wildfire, and none of them were true or very kind. That's what I remember the most vividly. I remember hearing the bullshit lies being told. I wound up beating up some girl I didn't even know for talking trash about her. I remember the counselor at my school telling me that she couldn't talk to us because Tonya wasn't a student at the school and therefore, "wasn't a school priority". I'll never, ever forgive that woman for telling me that.
They buried my best friend on a Friday. I almost got kicked out of school-again-because the only dress I owned at the time was too short. Silly that I recall that, but I remember it because I wound up suspended for three days after I told the teacher giving me grief that maybe she'd be more understanding if she hadn't sold her soul for a candy bar sometime during the Civil War. I leave flowers out there every year-even if it's just a mixed bag of wildflowers I snag here at home. I don't really like sitting right at her grave, I tend to stick closer to the pond-she'd have liked it better. I go tell her that I love her, that I always will, and I know somehow that's all that needs to be said.
I love you Tonya. I always will.

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Main / new member struggling
« on: March 26, 2010, 07:23:56 PM »
I lost my best friend nearly 10 years ago.
The ten year mark is approaching-10 days actually, and I thought that I'd gotten to a place I could tolerate with the grief and guilt, that I'd managed to let her go, and now I feel like I'm losing her all over again. I've drifted from devastated to furious, I've cried and screamed, but it feels as if I'm going crazy all over again. I know that I didn't cope well right after she died-and I'm scared of the feelings now.


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