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Topics - SparkyDMFD

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Spouse, Partner Loss / New widow...suffering
« on: May 22, 2012, 08:34:42 PM »
Greetings,

I know why I'm here but I'm not sure what I'm looking for.  On April 6th, 2012 (Good Friday) the love of my life for well over 36 years died suddenly.  (sort of). 

"Rick" was diagnosed with a rare, aggressive form of cancer in March, 2009.  He was diagnosed with Stage IV Metastatic Kidney Angiosarcoma.  When the kidney was removed we discovered the cancer had metasticized to both lungs and liver  We prepared for the very worst while praying for the best.  Well, God blessed us with 3 fabulous years filled with LIFE that we never thought we would have.  in 2009, we were forced to face the inevitable.  We made all necessary arrangements not expecting him to live past 4 months with complications at the time.  After some palliative chemo...he rebounded and we began to travel.  For the past 3 years we have crammed about 15 years of living into a short time.  We have been blessed beyond belief. 

By the end of 2011 the cancer was really taking it's toll, his liver was now completely consumed by cancer, it had gone to his bones and  had spread throughout his pelvis region.  I could tell his health was dimishining but he still insisted on continuing with his lifestyle  The month of January we spent in Lake Havasu City, AZ.....living as Snowbirds.  In February, we were spending 8 glorious days in the beautiful island of St. Maarten.

We knew he was reaching the end of his treatment options.....and his liver was so large you could actually see it protruding from his abdomen.  However, the morning of April 6th he got up like every morning. Came to the kitchen for breakfast.  Once in front of him, life most everyday, he retreated to the bathroom to get sick.  This was because of his liver failure.  I followed him to hold a cold rag to his head.  However, today was different.  After a couple of dry heaves he said something was wrong and he needed to get to the bed.  I secured him under his left arm and with each step, he drew nearer to the floor.  Halfway to the bed he fell, crashing his head into the vanity.  Then the horrifice 30 minutes began, the last 30 minutes of his life. 

The ambulance arrived.  My husband had retired as Asst. Chief of the Des Moines Fire Departmnet and knew all of the medis.  He was fighting for air.....desperate to breathe.  It was so difficult seeing him in such distress and trying my best to make him comfortable.  I pretty much knew "this was it" although I wasn't sure what was happening.  He lost consciousness before he left the house and for all practical purposes, I know he was "gone" then.  They continuted to manually keep his heart going until my daughters and I could get to the hospital.  With our approval they stopped CPR and he expired immediately.

The week that followed was a complete blur but we all managed to make it throught.

Now, 7 weeks later...I find myself suffering more with each passing day.  All of the "hoopla" has ended....our "support system" has returned to their lives....as they know it.  But for me....each day my loss becomes more intent!  I've went to 2 public functions and nearly had panic attacks.  I now do not trust myself to go out in public where our "couples" friends will be.....or anyplace that holds strong memories for my husband and I.

I'm ashamed that I've felt anger....for reading posts of friends and their social outings on Facebook.  I feel isolated and alone.  I feel like everyone has already "forgotten".....have returned to their routine lifestyles.  I just want to SCREAM and tell them NOTHING is the same!  It will NEVER be the same....but for them, life goes on. 

So, I'm not sure what I expect from this group...but I think just finding others that feel the same hurts and victories will be a blessing to me.

Thanks for reading ths!
Pam

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