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Topics - AC Mom

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Child Loss / Morning
« on: March 05, 2015, 04:09:32 AM »
Its been a while sense I have posted here, but felt the need to update all of you on whats going on with me.  On February 24th, I woke up with my shoulders hurting bad, put it off to too much game playing on tablet the past few days.  About 3 in the afternoon, I suddenly got dizzy and broke out in a sweat.  Having a family history of heart disease, I knew the sweating wasn't good.  So, I dialed 911, 20 minutes later I was being life flighted  out of my front yard.  I had had a major heart attack.  No typical heart attack symptoms, Ladies pay attention to your bodies, women normally do not have the typical symptoms.  If something isn't "right", call 911, doctors would much rather treat you for indigestion, pulled muscle or a panic attack, other than pronouncing you dead with a heart attack.  Cardio that did the stint placement, (right artery was 100% blocked), said another few minutes and I wouldn't be here.

I have had some close friends ask me if I saw AC.  No, I didn't, can't even say I felt him around me.  But, I am okay with that, had a friend that is very intuitive tell me, that he felt AC wasn't there because AC knew his Momma had everything under control.  When I was in the ambulance in my driveway, my vitals were way down, how I was awake and lucid, I have no idea.  My first thought when EMT's gave my vitals to life flight was, "So, this is how it ends".  A very calm feeling, no anxiety, no panic, just that thought.

I am well on my way to complete recovery.  Going to wonder for a while, why I am still here and my purpose for being here.

Love and Hugs

Child Loss / My Brother
« on: November 09, 2013, 07:09:37 PM »
I am posting this here because the child loss board is where I feel at "home" at.

My brother died today.  It was expected, we just didn't know when.  He had a heart attack 28 years ago at the age of 37.  He had many stints put in thru the years and lost a leg last year because of a medical error.

He has always been a inspiration to me.  Even with all his medical problems, he never let it slow him down.  I laughed at him when he retired from a local school district and couldn't handle not working, so he went out and got another job.

I last talked to him just a few days ago.  And like so many other times in my life after talking to someone, when I hung up, I got the strangest feeling that that was our last phone call.


Child Loss / Thinking outloud
« on: March 30, 2013, 05:17:25 AM »
Today is AC's 41st birthday.  After the melt down over my nephews holding their first grandchild, this morning I smiled.  As any other morning, I got up, made my coffee, fed the cat, and got on the internet.

Waiting for me were messages thinking of AC's birthday, from 2 of the girls in his life.  Kelly was his highschool sweetheart.  Jess the woman he had planned to marry when he got home from that fateful trip that took his life.

Both have gone on with life, but both still remember the man that treated them like queens.  They will never know how much it means to me, that they still remember.

All any of us want in this new life we live, is that our loved one is remembered. 

I also have to mention my sister here.  Every year for the last 11 years, on AC's birthday, I get a card from her, usually with a gift card and the note, "buy yourself something for AC's birthday".   She sends flowers on his date of death.

I feel so blessed that I have these women in my life.  It feels good to know that they loved AC enough to remember.


Child Loss / Another first
« on: March 23, 2013, 03:26:19 PM »
We all know about all the "firsts" that first year after the death of our child.  Being 10 years in, I thought I was done with those horrible firsts.

At AC's memorial service their were 2 little girls sitting in the corner.  They were trying to act all grown up, as their parents had told them too.  Occasionally they cried, occasionally they were hanging on to their Dad, or they would come give me a hug.  They both wondered why their "Uncle Al" had to die. And no one could give them a answer.

Both those little girls are grown now.  Life goes on, even after our kids die.  Both are married now.  Both have presented their Dad's with their first grandchild. 

Thru the past 10 years, AC has missed a lot.  But, I always knew he was at my neices wedding (the one he called his little sis), he was at the birth of her kids, he was there when we thought her youngest wasn't going to make it thru the night, after accidently getting into medication.  I knew he was there when my nephew got married, the one that said he would never get married. :) 

But, I never thought, seeing my nephews, who were more like brothers to AC than cousins, hold their first grandchild would be one of those "firsts" that would send me into that dark place I hate.

I knew someday all those little kids that AC loved, would grow up and have kids he would never meet.   But, I never thought of what it might do to me.

AC will never hold his first grandchild, or the grandkids of the cousins he loved so much...... And its just not fair.


Recommended Grief Books / Any Ideas on books for kids?
« on: June 23, 2012, 02:10:18 PM »
My nieces mother in law is in the final stages of cancer.  My niece has two kids, 2 and 4.  The four year old doesn't want to lose grandma, and has been told grandma is very sick and will be going to heaven and we wont see her in this life anymore.  This is the grandma that lived next door all his life.

My niece is very open with explaining things to her kids, niece was a professional nanny before she had her own kids, so as she puts it, "I know kids". lol

She tried reading him the book Heaven is for real, the kids version, and it terrified him, she was hoping it would make him understand grandma was going to Heaven and would be fine, it back fired on her.

Any suggestions for books.  Her 4 year old is very mature, so it can be books for older kids too.

Thanks in advance.


Child Loss / 10 years
« on: June 16, 2012, 12:45:06 PM »
One would think that after 10 years all those "firsts" would be long gone.   I thought they were, didn't think about what I am about to face tomorrow.  Though I have known for months it was coming.

AC and myself both moved out of Michigan in the mid 90's, vowing to never go back. lol The little town I was raised in  and him too, was one of those you like to see in the rear view mirror. lol

Sinse my sister called and said simply, "its time to go to Michigan", my anxiety has been off the charts.

My brother is in the hospital and in critical condition.  He might survive, but we decided to go now and not put it off anymore. 

Me and my brother have never been close, so I haven't been sure where the anxiety was coming from.  Then it dawned on me, this is the first trip back to Michigan sinse the trip for AC's funeral.  There is no grave there to visit, I had him cremated, but going into town, we will pass by where the funeral home was.  I  understand its gone now.

Sounds stupid I know, but the thought of spending time in the area where I raised AC is something I am not sure is going to be a good one.  There are a lot of memorys, both good and bad in that area.

Shelly suggested me and her could hit the old haunts and exchange stories about AC, maybe thats the thing to do.

Thanks for listening.

I am taking my netbook with me, so I should be around, just not as much.

Child Loss / Thoughts on Mothers Day
« on: May 13, 2012, 11:22:38 AM »
I wasn't sure what forum to put this is, so decided this was the best place. lol

I have spent the morning having random thoughts about the two women that were Mom to me.  There was my biological Mom, the one that raised me.  We always seemed to have a love/hate relationship.  But, within that relationship, we learned respect of each other.  I watched her deal with life, always with the attitude, "This is what God has handed me, I will learn to live with it".  I saw this when my Dad got hurt at work and was permanently disabled, she went out and got a job for the first time in her life.  I watched her when he died suddenly from a heart attack, sell their house and start life on her own.  I watched her face breast cancer and beat it.  Only to have that cancer reappear over and over again for the next 20 years.  I still remember the day she called me to go with her to her final oncologists appointment.  I asked her why, sinse my brother always took her.  Her answer was simple, she said I wouldn't argue with what she was going to tell the oncologist.  That was the day my Mom told the doctor she was done fighting, and was ready to die. 

Then there was my second Mom.  She came into our lives when I was 12.  Her husband worked with my Dad.  Our families became very close, and Betty was the one I could talk to about anything and it wasn't like talking to my Mom.  Betty was the one that I ran to when life went wrong.  Little did I know that in the many years we talked and cryed together about life, she was teaching me how to deal with life once she was gone.  Betty had a child, Elisabeth Ann that had died as a infant.  She talked about Elisabeth Ann on a daily basis.  We all felt like we knew that little girl.  When Bettys 4living kids were still in grade school, Bill her husband died, and I watched Betty go out and get a job for the first time in her life.   Bettys youngest living child, Paul, died when he was 33.  I remember standing in the hospital waiting room with her when the doctor came out and said Paul was gone.  Bettys first words were, he's with his sister and Dad now.   When AC died, I remembered Betty and her talking about Elisabeth Ann and knew with a little help from the other side, I too could live with the death of a child.

I don't know why these two women that I loved dearly have been on my mind this morning.  Maybe its because its Mothers Day and I miss them both.  Or maybe its because because those two women taught me how to live life when life went wrong.

Love And Happy Mothers Day!

Child Loss / Someone who "gets it"
« on: December 20, 2011, 08:35:54 AM »
I had a short but interesting conversation with my boss yesterday.  She asked me if I was ready for Christmas.  I told her very bluntly, that I don't do Christmas anymore.  She asked why.  I told her when one has their only child die, Holidays kind of die with it.

She paused for a minute and said, I understand more than you realize, My brother died at 32 and my parents were never the same after that.

It was nice to talk to someone that didn't tell me I had to do this or that, just cause it was Christmas. 

Love and Hugs

Parent Loss / Today
« on: October 31, 2011, 09:11:39 AM »
Today is the day my parents died.  Daddy in 1976, Mom in 1995.  For Dad it was a fatal heart attack at 49, Mom had battled cancer for years. 

When my Dad died, his last words to me were, "don't question why God has done this, its not for us to know".  I still smile at my Mom's last words to me, I told her we were going to the bedroom to smoke, she smled and said, "if you don't stop that shit, you will be in this bed in 20 years".  When me, my sister, AC and my nephew came out of the bedroom, she was gone.

When today comes around every year, I reflect on my Dads final words.  We are not suppose to know why God does the things he does, or question why he does them.  I truely beleive that God took my parents when they were still young, because he knew that he would take AC, and my parents were there to meet him when he crossed over.

When AC was in the coma, a lady from the hospital chaplain service was with us for a little while.  She mentioned that she felt the presense of a man and woman, my sister immediately said, Mom has been here sinse we got here.  It may sound weird to some, but those of us with AC when he died, really beleive his grandparents were there to help him cross over.

I miss Mom and Dad daily, but find comfort knowing AC is with them and not alone.  I think my sister said it best this morning on Facebook, "I just need them here to say Hi, just once more".

Love and Hugs

Child Loss / That dark place
« on: October 23, 2011, 10:06:12 PM »
That dark place is calling me again.  How I hate it when it wins, and I cross over.  I can't blame the upcoming holidays or anything else, its just there.

Its been almost 10 years sinse AC died, and I still want the phone to ring in the middle of the night and it be him, calling from the road and he is bored and Mom is the only one that won't get mad at a middle of the night phone call.  I want to pick up the phone and call him.  I want to hear a motorcycle or big truck coming down the road and know its him coming to visit.  But, then I realize those things will never happen again.

I still miss him so damn much, and when I go to my dark place, it only gets worse.  People around me suffer when I am in that dark place, I get mean and ornery as my dad would have said.  I cry at stupid shit. I get mad at stupid shit. 

I am questioning again that loving God my dad taught me about.  Why would a loving God take my only child from me.  Take my reason for life and living.  I remember a friend telling me that God doesnt get us more than we can which I replyed, he shouldnt have so much faith in me.  None of us handle the loss of a child, we just learn to deal with it.

Maybe I will get thru this one just by skirting the edges of the dark place.  I hate the dark place, but have learned, sometimes I have to go there, just to face total reality and I usually come out the other side somewhat better, till it happens again.

Love and Hugs

Child Loss / Explaination
« on: June 18, 2011, 06:44:46 AM »
Hi All,

As I told Terry in email, I am sorry for the post I made.  I was not aware at the time, I was having a medical problem that was affecting both my body and my mental stability.  I knew at the time, I was very sick with IBS, a condition I have had for a number of years.  I just knew it was the worse I had had in years.

I was so sick one Saturday, a neighbor call a ambulance for me.  ER docs said it was nothing more than the IBS and told me to see a gastro doc.

 I hated the idea of paying 200 for a office call, but I made the appt, and in reality, that office call probably saved my life, or at least stopped me from getting worse than what I was.  The doctor checked my blood tests that the hospital had run Saturday night, and all of my electrolytes were much lower than than should have been.  Sodium level was 115, which the dr said he was surprised I was still functioning at all.  So, I am off 2 blood pressure pills and have added salt back to my diet, and have to go bi monthly for blood tests till levels get back to at least near normal.

Blood pressure is staying within normal ranges, and its nice to eat a bag of chips without feeling guilty.

I can only work part time until blood levels return to normal. Its kinda of nice working just 3 days a week.  I have a terrific boss who is working with me on hours!

The low sodium level can cause muscle pain, mental confusion and, logical reasoning is impaired and a lot of other things. I had all those symptoms, but put it off to working too many hours and getting older.

Again, I am sorry.  I have used Toms healing web sinse the beginning, and am glad to be back.

Love and Hugs

Child Loss / info
« on: June 08, 2011, 07:29:55 AM »
I have thought for sometime there was a clique of sorts here, and obviously there is.  Ignoring my postings is one thing, but AC wasn't even mentioned in the Angel Dates post for June.

I don't want to be part of a childish run support board.

I just hate that someone like Tom, has this kind of problem on a support board he sponsors, he is such a kind and caring person.

I won't be back.

Child Loss / Hi all
« on: June 05, 2011, 08:18:18 PM »
I don't post much, but I do come here every day and read the new posts.  My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

We are at that dreaded month of June.  I suppose I will never like June again.  The 25th will be 9 long years, sinse AC's death.  The 4th was the last day I saw him.  The 18th, the last day I talked to him, my last words to him were,"Be careful, I love you".   The next day came the call no Mother wants to get.  He had been in a accident.  For years, I was afraid of flying, told people that the only way I would get on a plane was if AC was hurt and dying.  That became reality, 6 hours after I got the call.

5 days later, I had life support removed.  Me and AC had talked about his job, driving a 18 wheeler cross country, and parking it, and hitting the roads on his Harley.  That he could have a bad accident and end up on life support with brain a injury.  His only request was that I didn't let him live at that point.  That living with brain damage was not his idea of living.

Even though it was the hardest thing I ever did, it was not hard for me to make that decision, I did it his way in the end.

So, when June 25th gets here............ I will not work this year, I am gonna go to the cemetary my parents are buried at and talk to them and AC for a while.  AC was cremated, at his request, but there is a memorial to him on the headstone.

Thanks for listening.

Love and Hugs

Child Loss / Its always something
« on: March 03, 2011, 06:30:57 PM »
Terrible subject line I know, but didn't know what else to put there.

AC's Dad joined him sometime last night.  Though we had been divorced for 30 plus years, its getting to me.  He was the father of my child and maybe part of it is knowing, he is with AC now and I'm not.

I wonder what is going to happen to AC things that he has.  I know its a bad time to bring that up to AC's aunt, the one that called me.  But, I want those things.  I am thinking of calling her and just telling her when they get to that point, to let me know, because I beleive those things belong to me now.

Thanks for listening.
Love and Hugs

Child Loss / So many kids gone
« on: January 05, 2011, 03:19:14 PM »
Its been 13 years ago today that my nephew decided life wasn't worth living anymore.  The emotions these days bring back can not be put in words.  But, being the one in the family that trys to find humor in even tragedy, I picture AC, Markie, Jeff all sitting together somewhere saying "guys get over it, we are okay".  They were the comedians in the family. They were the ones that could make us laugh when no one else could.  They were the ones that looked at life and said "Its all a game, roll with it when it happens".

But, we still miss them, cry on those days that come around once a year, still miss them and wish they were still with us, saying "get over it".

Love and Hugs

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