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Topics - pepper309

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Sibling Loss / really nice dream
« on: October 26, 2009, 12:34:55 PM »
A couple of nights ago I had a really nice dream.  It started out a bit strange because it took place in my Grandma Marie's (who has passed on) driveway.  I was sitting in a truck surrounded by all these guys that I didn't know, the only exception was my husband who was sitting next to me.  I kept thinking to myself, "Where is Boz?"  I got out the truck when I finally saw him.  I gave him a big hug (I could actually really feel the hug in my dream) and said "Please don't go.  I don't want you to leave."  He said, "I'll help you through it."  Then I woke up.  It was sad and good all at the same time.   

Sibling Loss / angry at god
« on: October 16, 2009, 11:59:21 PM »
I was doing pretty good until this last weekend.  I was taking my dogs for a walk near my house when it hit me all of a sudden.  I started thinking about the last time that Isaw my brother drive down that road and I remember how happy and care free he looked.  I started crying because I knew that would never be able to see him that way again.  I would give anything to argue with him again or to even have him tease me again like little brothers do.  It just sucks that I have to listen to people come up to me in Walmart and tell me how they heard about him and about how sorry they are.  It sucks that I had to put his ashes in a locket so that I could have him with me.  it just doesn't make any sense to me.  There are awful horrible people out there and God could have picked them to die but he chose Boz instead.  I went to church a couple of weeks ago and I almost walked out. I decided that I'm not going back for a long time because it just too hard.  I'm so angry at God and I don't feel like singing songs about how damn wonderful he is.  So I just needed to rant.  Thanks to whoever reads this.

Sibling Loss / Poem for Boz, better version
« on: October 09, 2009, 03:44:09 PM »
This is the poem that I did for my brother's memorial.  I wanted to share it with all of you.  I found the longer version later on and added to it

There is a road that I must travel down and someday I will be able to take you with me
Please know that even though you cannot see me I am there for you
I will be out of sight as you smile and think of me, but don't cry
Laugh instead as you think of the good times that we shared and know that
Every triumph, every tragedy
Every laugh, every tear
Everything you'll endure I will be a part of as long as you keep me in your heart
So remember me as I was
Full of life
Full of love
Forever young and forever a part of you

Sibling Loss / taking my brother with me
« on: October 06, 2009, 09:00:17 PM »
To some people this might sound strange (or maybe not) but I took a little container of my brother's ashes with me this weekend.  This weekend was special because I got to spend time with my other brother Skylar.  We went to an Avalanche game, out to eat, and to the movies.  I took my brother's ashes with me in my purse.  Skylar and I joked about how we should let Boz leave the waitress a tip by spreading a little bit of him on the table.  In my family we get through our grief with humor as you can tell.  On the way home I sprinkled his ashes over a rapid in the Arkansas River.  I know that my brother would have had a great time at every place that we went.  I wish that he could have been there, but I know that he was smiling since we were both having a good time for him.

Sibling Loss / parents being sued because of brother's wreck
« on: September 23, 2009, 03:32:32 PM »
An progressive rep called my mom yesterday and asked her how much my brother had put away and how much my parents' house is worth.  I wish that my mom would have told him that she is not answering any questions without a lawyer but she didn't.  One of the people in the other car was in the hospital for a month and he had a broken leg and ankle.  They did surgery, but I'm not sure for what.  Apparently a week in the hospital costs $100,000.  They are now going after my parents because my 22 yr old brother was on their car insurance at the time of the accident.  My brother drank before the accident so that makes matters worse of course.  I understand that this family is angry, I would be angry too if I were them.  However, now my parents could lose everything because of my brother's stupid mistake.  They are going to get a lawyer, of course, and hope for the best.  Has anyone else had to go through this?

Sibling Loss / Wish he were here
« on: September 20, 2009, 08:19:08 PM »
  Yesterday I got a letter from the Rocky Mountain Lions Eye Bank a couple of days ago.  My brother was able to donate his corneas, one went to a 36 yr old man and the other went to a 38 yr old man.  I suppose that I should be happy that someone is now able to see better because of my brother.  However, it is hard for me to be happy.  I want my brother here, in one piece.  I took some of his ashes from my parents house today.  My mom does fused glass necklaces and I am hoping to have her help me incorporate the ashes into a piece of jewelry. I'm sure that Boz would think that is funny, he's an accessory now.  
  I have been trying to just plug along, doing things that make me feel a little better.  I had talked in a previous post about going to Florida w/ my daughter for Christmas but now I realize that would be selfish on my part.  We should be with family during the holidays.  I suppose that I am looking for a way to run away from my feelings.  I decided to just plan on going to Florida for my daughter's birthday.  We can't really afford it and I know that there are so many other things that I should be saving up for (our first house, school, emergency $,  etc..) but I just want something to look forward to.  Even is it something silly like going to Seaworld.  I keep telling myself that life is short, you only get to do it once so you might as well do things that you haven't gotten a chance to do yet.  Plus it is also something for my daughter to look forward to as well.   :)

Sibling Loss / holidays and life in general
« on: September 14, 2009, 01:23:21 PM »
  I am truly dreading the holidays and they are not even here yet.  Thanksgiving was one my brother's favorite holidays because he loved to eat (he was a "growing" 22 yr old).  Christmas was fun because my brothers would tease me about the awful presents that I would get from my grandmother.  She means well, but sometimes she gets what she thinks is very fashionable and it's never quite me. 
  Now I'm not quite sure how it's going to be.  I know that my mom is going to be very sad, of course.  She keeps saying that she just can't believe that Boz is gone.  I am trying to be sympathetic and at the same time I am trying to somewhat move on just so that I can function. I have been able to drive past the spot where Boz had his accident and not cry, but that is not always the case. 
  I am going to make the best of the holidays for my daughter because she loves them.  I have thought about opting out of Christmas and trying to take her to Disney World instead.  But then I thought about my mom and about how happy my daughter makes her so leaving at x-mas would be unfair I suppose.  My husband says that should do what I want, but I don't even know what I want.
  I keep trying to tell myself to be happy and thankful for what I still have.  It's hard though because sometimes I picture everyone around me dying and it freaks me out.  Like if my one remaining brother died, then what?  It's like my life is divided into two sections- before my Boz, and after Boz.  It's taken over my whole life and I hate it.  Sometimes I resent him for leaving.  Mostly I'm just sad though.  I'm sure that he thinks it's funny.  He's probably floating around going, "You never wanted me around and now look at you!" 
The one thing I know for sure though is that I am not afraid of death now.  Life scares me, but death doesn't phase me.

Sibling Loss / memorial tattoos
« on: September 09, 2009, 02:23:04 PM »
I have been thinking about getting a tattoo in memory of my brother (he died July, 25 09).  I know that my parents will not be too crazy about it because they dislike the fact that I already have tattoos.  It would be something nice like the picture that my brother took of the mountains with the sun setting behind them.  He had the quote "Live for today because tommorrow may not come" on his facebook page.  I might put "Live for today" with his initials under it by the picture of the mountains.
I was curious to know if any of you have memorial tattoos and how long you waited before you got them.

Sibling Loss / has anyone else gotten "signs" from their sibs?
« on: August 31, 2009, 12:37:00 PM »
  Some strange things have happened to my family since my brother passed and I would like to share them with all of you.
  My husband woke up from a sound sleep one night when he heard a voice that said, "Watch the little shit."  My onery brother used to call my daughter that behind her back when she was being obnoxious.  My husband said that when it happened my cats were on the bed with the hair standing up on their backs.
  My mom was sitting in her back yard praying one morning.  She asked God for a sign that my brother was ok.  Just then a hummingbird came and flew inches away from her face.  She said that it stayed there for about five seconds looking at her and then flew away.
  My mom said that maybe Boz would come back as a hummingbird and then the next day we found a dead hummingbird on our porch.
  My husband was talking on his cell to his mom when he got some radio interference.  He heard a voice that sounded like Boz's saying, "Hey JP."  His mom didn't hear a thing.
  My daughter has heard voices when know one else is around.  They say, "Yes and go to the right."  We're not sure about what it meant.
  My mom and dad were laying in bed one night when my mom felt my brother laying down in between them.  She sat up and saw what looked like a light move to end of the bed.  Then it moved to the window and my Mom looked at it and said, "Boz?"  Five seconds later it was gone.
  I have hit two birds with my car within two weeks and I have never done that before.  We had a hawk crying out and circling my parents's field by their house for like seven minutes.
  Maybe all these things are nothing and maybe they are something.  I wanted to know if any of you have gotten signs from your siblings. 

Sibling Loss / Feeling angry
« on: August 25, 2009, 09:07:29 PM »
  It has been a month since my brother passed.  I have been feeling sad and somewhat depressed this whole time, but now I feel angry on top of everything.  I am mad that not one of my brother's friends stopped him before he left and told him to stay since he had been drinking.  We found out that his alcohol level was .256  I just wish that they would have cared enough to not let him go.  I told my mom that I wanted to write a letter to our local paper calling out his friends (w/o using names) for what they did.  She doesn't want me too because she forgives them.  She said that it is something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.  I will forgive them in time, but right now I am mad.  My brother will never graduate college, never find a job that he loves, never get married or have kids.  His friends get to have all of that.  If I ever come across any of them I don't know what I will say.  I just wish all of this were a bad dream and that I would wake up and it would all disappear.

Sibling Loss / New member
« on: August 23, 2009, 09:57:31 PM »
I found the website just by looking around on the web.  It looked like a good place to start so here I am. 
  My brother Boz died on July 25th, 09.  I was with him on the day that he died.  I invited him to come along with me, my daughter, and her friend to the pool and the movies.  He said that it sounded like fun and agreed to meet us in town.  I'm not much of a swimmer so I sat and watched everyone have fun.  Boz did amazing flips off the diving board.  My daughter and her friend had the best time watching him.  When it was time to go I asked him if he would be taking Barbie (this was the pretty girl that he had been hanging out with) to the movies.  He jokingly told me that I might like her if I got to know her.  I told him that if she grew a wart and hairlip I might consider it  He laughed and told me he'd see me at the movies. 
  I sat a couple of rows in front of Boz and his friend because I didn't want to get in the way.  We watched the Hangover (the kids were in Harry Potter) and had a good laugh.  After the movie my brother was gone without a trace.  I didn't think much of it and went to collect the girls.  We ran a couple of errands and then drove through the windy canyon road that takes us home. 
  Fast forward maybe an hour later.  It was dark out when my mom came bursting through my front door and told me that Boz had been in an accident.  We rushed out of the house and drove to the scene.  There was a huge line of cars so I ran all the way to the accident.  I found out that my brother and the people from the other car had already been taken to the hospital.  We were talking about how he probably just had a couple of broken bones.  We had seen the car and it looked like something that was bad but not too bad.  When we finally got to the hospital and went to see him the nurse stopped us and asked us if we knew that Boz had passed away. 
  I found out later that my brother had gone to one of his friend's houses and drank.  He was not a heavy drinker at all.  When he went to drive home he somehow went too far to one side of the road, overcorrected and ended up hitting another car head on.  He was not wearing his seatbelt (which everyone said he always wore) and ended up being thrown from the vehicle.  He died minutes later.  He was only 22.
  Sorry this is so long winded but it felt like I needed to get everything out.  My brother and I were eight years apart.  We didn't always get along.  He had just started spending time at my house this summer.  I miss him so much. 

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