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Topics - teppuM999

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Main / 6 months
« on: December 30, 2009, 08:21:50 AM »
dunno if you guys remember me, i used to post here for a while then i wandered away.
but dec. 5 made six months since my boyfriend drowned.
i honestly didnt believe i would make it to this point, however it isn't anything i'm really celebrating.
things here aren't any better. we've been locked down by snow which makes me miss him even more.
last winter we did llots of sledding and snow blowing together.

anyway... just wanted to reintroduce myself, i guess.

Main / can't sleep
« on: August 31, 2009, 02:00:54 AM »
having a really bad couple of nights
i feel like i've been awake for 12 years
tomorrow is monday which means class, i just want to curl up in a ball and drop out of the rest of the world
leave it behind
my world is in such complete disarray, i don't know why i have to care about the big world outside
i don't think i CAN

dunno who else to talk to but you guys.
it's 4 a.m.

Main / with the holidays approaching
« on: August 30, 2009, 03:49:12 PM »
how do you prepare?

this halloween, matthew and i really wanted to do a haunted house. he'd drawn some plans and stuff, and since we were going to move into our place together, we would've most certainly done it, even if it was smaller-budget than we wanted. =p

i've got one of his costumes sitting on my couch. pondering making my own like it, just smaller. still have some of the stuff he used to make it

just not really sure i'm even going to want to do any halloweening. i dunno.

then there's thanksgiving, and christmas, and new years.
i've never NOT looked forward to them more than i do now.

Main / school is starting today
« on: August 24, 2009, 04:00:34 AM »
this is my first major "mission" after matthew, i guess. getting through this semester without him. he made me feel connected to this city, and without him, i just feel like a random out-of-stater.
last semester, after all my finals were done, he surprised me and took me out to this really great vegetarian restaurant here. he even got a veggie burger.

he was my best friend.
i dunno what to do.

Main / [new title]
« on: August 19, 2009, 11:53:20 AM »

Main / feeling alone
« on: August 15, 2009, 08:34:21 AM »
the loneliness is so extreme these days. even when i'm around other people, i still feel cut off from everything. i feel as though i'm losing touch with the world or something.
at gatherings i'm the one who doesn't have anyone with me, the one without a family to talk about.
even on this board, i feel distant and separate.
don't have alot of friends. matthew was my best friend. i had him, the dance troupe, and that was enough for me.
i'm worried about the feeling of disconnection. the only person i felt really connected to is gone, and i'm beginning to feel truly separate from him and everything else now.

Main / coping mechanisms
« on: August 15, 2009, 07:29:34 AM »
i have my desktop set up now with a working CD drive. so i popped in a cd that bothersome chick i mentioned before made
some pictures of matthew and a little video someone made at karaoke
he was smiling like he used to, laughing and dancing

she's showed us the video before, but that was back when it was mostly shock, and i really didnt want to deal with her because she was making things harder for everyone.

watching the video now... of him MOVING and ALIVE...just like with the little snippet he left on his brother's video camera...
in my mind, just looking at static pictures, it was like i could trick myself into thinking he wasn't a real person, i hadn't actually known him -- NONE of this was real.
videos trump that though.

he was alive, had long hair, wore red shirts, adn went to karaoke.

how is this ever goign to mak sense?

Main / sorta-family gathering
« on: August 13, 2009, 06:13:17 PM »

i got an invitation to matthew's niece's birthday party. i'm not sure if i should go.
matthew and i went last year, and it was really fun. but without him, is there a point to me going?
the cynic in my brain thinks they only sent me an invite because matthew died and they're trying to be nice. the optimist thinks it might be fun, anyway.

but i dunno...

it'll be very obvious that matthew's not there. it'll be very obvious that i'm alone.
and if people ask who i am, i'll have to explain everything
it's not like i could fade into the background and pretend that i belong there, i look too different. so people would wonder.

and without matthew, is there really any reason for me to go?
i don't know.

Main / physical/other problems
« on: August 09, 2009, 07:03:39 AM »
when matthew died, i was standing right there. he was too far out for me to reach him, his friend went after him, i watched his head go down twice, and i can't get that out of my mind.

physically, my joints hurt, and my stomach is constantly upset, and i have alot of pain in my head and neck especially behind my eyes.

haven't had a "dream" in a while, usually after those, when i would go to see him, i would actually feel rested and okay in the morning. well after the initial "why am i still alive?" would wear off.
now i just feel like a beat up flour sack.

sometimes i wish i hadn't been there. but how much more horrible would it be, i guess, to look back and see that i wasn't there for the last bit of his physical life? we were always together.

my spirit and my heart hurt enough as it is, and this ridiculous body that is doing nothing but trapping me here is just complicating everything with all of the physical aches. there is way too much going on, i can't deal with all of this.

Main / dropping out of the world
« on: August 07, 2009, 10:31:11 AM »
how do you handle being around friends and listening to them talk about their lives?
i am wanting more and more to just drop out for a year or something. i can't tell people "do not talk about your kids, sex lives, husbands/boyfriends, future plans, etc. when i'm in the room," so the next logical conclusion seems to be for me to just take off and remove myself from the situation.

not sure how to figure this out.
maybe in this sense it would be good to have friends who had someone recently die and who also dont' want to hear that
or if we talk about it together we all know that that person/part of our life is gone
i dunno

Main / death of my boyfriend
« on: August 03, 2009, 12:08:57 PM »
june 5, 2009 my boyfriend died. he was probably the one person on this planet who really cared about me as a person, not as an "idea." he was the most thoughtful, creative, giving person i've ever met. i truly felt like we were soulmates, we were supposed to be together.
i guess not in this life, i dunno.

it's just really hard, i'm not sure what to do anymore. and i feel like i can't talk to anyone, even though his best friend was with me when he died, and we share that experience, i still feel like i'm alone. i don't want other people to feel like they have to worry about me.

the way he died was just so random and sudden. one minute we were all playing in the river, and the next, he's carried away. and it's such a weird feeling, being with someone and having so much fun and having your entire life ahead of you, and then, right when everything was absolutely perfect -- we were about to move in with each other, we were talking about kids -- he's gone, and i'm left here wondering what the point is to anything.

i loved him more than i've ever loved anyone. and i have dreams where he's there and he wants me to know he's okay. this was something bad that happened, but he's okay. but i've started to stop breathing when i sleep, and i know why i'm doing it; i don't want to come back from the dreams anymore.

i can't shake the feeling of not doing enough to help him. i wish i'd gone into the deep water after him, if for nothing else than to have died with him. my life makes absolutely no sense now, and i want to see him so much, i don't know what to do. this whole city reminds me of him -- every place i know, he either showed me or we went together.

i'm trying to hold everything together, so that people think i'm handling this well, and i know that i'm not. i've got access to meds i could easily overdose on, and it takes every bit of energy to think about something OTHER than that. i just dont know what to do anymore.

guess i'm just looking for people to talk to, i dunno.

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