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Topics - jsdaa

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Child Loss / Terry...
« on: January 12, 2011, 04:54:37 PM »
Just know that I am thinking of you and Jeff.  I love you so much!
Thinking about your dad, too.

Peace and Love,

Child Loss / Is it possible to have two hearts?
« on: January 07, 2011, 11:26:28 AM »
It seems that I do.  One that is broken by the loss of my Sarah.  The other one is broken by the aftermath.  My other children....her children.  We are all broken. 

That's all I can say for now though I did intend for this to be longer.


Child Loss / All of these 'firsts" are making life unbearable
« on: November 28, 2009, 04:32:29 PM »

I have to say that it is so hard for me to post anything these days.  I really didn't anticipate the intensity of the feelings that I would have at this time.  Thanksgiving was just the beginning and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  It seems like all I do is cry and getting through not only the "firsts" but the "lasts" (the last time I saw her, her last email, phone call, etc.) seems like hell.  How I wish I could go back to a year ago, knowing what I know now.  I can't believe that it will be almost a year since I touched my Sarah.  I wonder how her hair brush can still smell like her hair.  It is all such a that I now realize, I will never wake up from.

Love to all of you,

Child Loss / 9 months ago today....
« on: September 25, 2009, 06:00:24 AM »
I lost you, my precious Sarah.  I miss you more than words can possibly express.  When you smiled, I smiled.  When you cried, I tried to be your rock. I miss our shopping excursions with the kids and the expression on your face when you got that "great deal".  I long for our phone calls during our favorite shows.  Oh, how I miss life with you.  I wish I could see you one more time to tell you all of the things that I don't think I did so much when you were here.  You were the absolute best daughter anyone could ever have......I didn't realize it when you were here, but I now see, that you were MY rock.

I love you forever and ever,

Child Loss / How do we forget?
« on: August 04, 2009, 08:51:02 AM »
I wanted to respond to Wendy's post but feel like at this place (7 months), I have nothing of comfort to say other than I am sorry.

I try to forget.......seeing my Sarah's long blonde hair hanging off the gurney as they wheeled her in to the ER.  Finally seeing her after several hours that they had been working on her and come out once to say that she had responded and then shortly after to say she had about an hour to live and we needed to say our goodbyes.  The image of her lying there with blank eyes is one that haunts me.  I had just seen her the night before at Adrienne's Christmas program, with her smiling eyes and so proud of Adrienne's dance performance.  How could that be?

At some point, while we where in there, the doctor decided to move her up to ICU and see if he could get the brain swelling down.  How I wish he had not made that decision.  The next sixteen days were the most horrific and unlike anything  that I could possibly have imagined. The images of those days haunt my heart and soul.  We were given hope daily and then had it taken away almost as fast.  I would not give up even when the doctors did.  They were allowing us to prepare for what was inevitable but I did not prepare.  I just knew there would be a miracle.  My sweet girl is gone.  The memories of those days rip me apart every moment of every day.  How I wish, if she had to go, that it would have been on that first day. 

I love you and miss you my sweet Sarah


Child Loss / I just don't know how to do this...
« on: July 27, 2009, 07:00:54 AM »
Saturday was 7 months since I lost my Sarah.  I just feel dead inside.  I still cannot accept that she is gone and the unbearable moments just seem to keep coming more intensely than before.  I know the reality of it is really setting in and every moment is torture.  I look for young women that resemble her in some way so that I can, for a moment, imagine that she is still here.  I look at her pictures, listen to her music, smell her hairbrush just to feel close to her.  At the same time, the constant thoughts and memories are ripping my heart out over and over.

I've done tons of reading, tried to accept that she is in a good place, prayed, etc.  Nothing makes me feel one bit better because I just want her here!!  I wonder how this can be?  How can she be gone?  The shocks to my brain won't stop.  

My world has become very small.  I just can't deal with people and their insignificant problems. Unless, you've lost a child, you have no idea, is really what I want to say to them.  I feel like I've lost my whole world and I feel guilty because I do have other children.  Sarah always needed me the most and I didn't realize how much I needed her until she was gone.
Her death has had a huge impact on the relationships we all have with each other.  That, I have accepted and I know it's horrible, but I just don't care anymore.  I love them all dearly, but I think it is so incredibly hard for them to see my pain because it forces them to deal with something unbearable.  I do understand that and maybe someday we will all come together again.

I just can't believe how life can so completely change in the blink of an eye.  I don't believe how cruel and wrong it is that we have to lose a child and then try to live something that resembles a life.  


Child Loss / Happy Birthday to my Sweet Sarah
« on: June 25, 2009, 04:48:41 AM »
Today is Sarah's 29th birthday and also 6 months since she left.  I miss her so much.......words just cannot express.  I am releasing balloons and hoping it doesn't rain.

We had her baby boy, Lucas, on Monday.   It was a wonderful day.  We had him let go of a balloon on that day and even thought he is only 15 months old, he watched as it flew until we could not see it anymore.  I decided not to include Adrienne and Jacob today because I think it is just too soon.

I love you, my Sarah


Child Loss / Will I ever want to live again? UPDATE
« on: June 08, 2009, 08:31:54 AM »
It's been a little over 5 months since my daughter died and I just can't seem to cope.  I know that it hasn't been long but I honestly don't want to live.  Don't get me wrong.........I tried a couple of times in the first 3 months but have decided that as much as I don't want to be here, I cannot do that.  At the same time, I would be happy to get hit by a car, have a heart attack, etc.
I am like a robot.  I'm trying to move through this horrendous pain and function but the piece of my heart that is missing seems to get bigger.  I have family, friends and started back to work last week but everything and everyone drains me and I just don't want to be here without my Sarah.  The moments when I can be by myself, I look forward to, but then I hate them.  She was such a huge part of my everyday life and I can't imagine the rest of it without her.  

I got so mad at God the other night.  I was reading some of her email's to me and one of the last one's (Dec 1st)  she talked about how happy she was that she was finally working and when she woke up that morning to go to work she had tears in her eyes and had thanked God.  Her relationship with her boyfriend had been quite rocky and she knew that with her new job she would be able to afford to get out of the relationship.  She said how she was actually looking forward to Christmas (she died on Christmas Day) which she had always dreaded in the past (due to finances) and we were making plans for the day.  She had just put up the tree and decorated her house for Christmas two days before she was found (Dec. 9th). She had three children 8, 6 and 10 months.  My oldest granddaughter saw her Mommy lying there with blue lips.  How cruel is this for them?  It just rips me apart. I don't blame God for what happened but I think he could have saved her. Miracles happen everyday and  God had 16 days to perform one.  I just don't understand how they can be taken from us and we are expected to go on with the most excruciating pain possible. To ever be happy again when I am so dead inside is beyond my comprehension.


Child Loss / Memorial Day and five months ago today...
« on: May 25, 2009, 05:40:08 AM »
I lost my sweet Sarah.  She died at 28 and 1/2 years of age almost to the exact minute she was born.
People talk about getting through the first's after losing a child. 
First year, first birthday, first anniversary, first holiday....
For me, every second of every minute, each day since and hereafter is
a first.  For me, each breath I take, as I struggle to go forward, is one more breath
I take without my Sarah and THAT IS A FIRST.


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