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Topics - JaimiesMom

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Child Loss / Jaimies 6th Angel Day
« on: May 21, 2009, 07:50:08 PM »
Sigh...
6 years to the date... (May 18th)

The day is here! I've been crying for hours, my head is pounding and i cant stop puking.

My little girl... my precious little girl :( WHY HAS SHE BEEN TAKEN AWAY? this feeling that lingers, and has been ever since her death is almost unbarable, its a feeling that i wish on nobody. I'll admit that i've hurt myself physically, i've carved her name into my leg.

I dont blame anyone for the way i feel except myself, i could have saved her, and that runs through my head EVERYDAY! i just had to fall inlove with a jerk.

My baby is gone, and my body is an empty shell. the only thing that harbors in my lifeless body are the feelings of utter failure. Im broken, and have been since her passing. I dont know what to do, what to say, what to feel. I dont know if my feelings are normal, if im suppost to be hanging on this long or if i am ment to let go.

She'll always be my child, but will it always be this hard? will i always wanna hurt myself at the thought of her? god that sounds horrible! i smile when i think of her, i cry at the thought of her, and i hurt at the thought of her :( so many enotions, for one tiny person.

She is the love of my life, the one person that i will NEVER stop loving. Men come and go, friends arnt forever, but family and children are. Shes the one person, that would never let me down.

What is true love? the love of a child, the love a parent has for a child... The AMAZING bond that a mother and child hold together.

Jaimie, you are my heart... and thats missing. The moment i found out i was having a baby, I finally found the missing part to my life, that missing puzzle piece. the day you died, that puzzle piece snapped out of place and got lost.

You, my beautiful little girl, are every ounce of joy and happiness all rolled into one that i have ever felt. I don't think i have truly been happy over the past 6 years.

Too find myself still alive to this day, means that you are still with me... cause the minute that i can no longer feel your presence, I'd die. There are nights that i lay in bed and run my fingertips along my tummy, that i place both my hands on my tummy and close my eyes and feel your kick (even though you were never much of a move && shaker).

If you were alive today, I'd think you to be a good child, quiet like daddy, and have Mommy's hair. You'd be my blond babe, you would be tall (mommy and daddy are both over 5'10), You would hopefully not get Mommy's brains cause she was never good in school (daddy was brilliant)... you'd love animals like mommy and you'd be a crier, i think that you would have daddy's self-control, but Mommy's passion for things you believe in... i would hope that you would skip Mommy's bi-polar-ness and be a stable child. You'd have the most beautiful eyes like daddy, and his smile... you better have my nose. You'd be adventurous (daddy and i both were)

OH GOD HOW I MISS YOU!!

I couldn't wait to see you grow up, to change your diapers, and to hold you close when you were scared. I wanted everything that came with parenting, i couldn't wait for the long hours, the crying and the first aid i know that i would have to provide (i was a climber when i was a kid, i loved tree forts and running through the woods).

Trying to sleep without you is the hardest part, i still wake up and go to check on you sometimes, and its super hard to realize that you arnt there. Its really hard to live through your death over and over in my dreams... i wake up in a cold sweat, screaming and crying... i honestly don't know how Brad can put up with it.

its hard to explain my feelings... all i know and can say is that my love for my child in ever-lasting, my pain that i feel for her... is unbearable but its what keeps me grounded. I fear that with my entries about how "hard" i had it make people think that I'm looking for pity or something. I don't think i have had a harder life than most people... and i hold grudges that some might think are trivial.

I love my daughter, I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!!
I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!!
These are entries that i wrote on  my online diary. I figured that i would post it here.
If i could i would take everyones pain away.

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Child Loss / -- Jaimies Story --
« on: March 20, 2009, 07:19:36 AM »
I was 16 when i first met Derek, he was my cousins friend and what seemed to be the man of my dreams because the day before i met him, i had a dream about him, saw him clear as day... it was perfect, life was great i was in love for the first time a year later i found out i was pregnant. We were happy our lives were falling into place, he would go to ever doctors appointment, every parenting class he'd be at my beck and call... he'd lay on my tummy for hours talking to her, telling her he couldn't wait to meet her, telling her he loved her...

... Then he snapped, 8 months had came, he wouldn't pay any attention to me, he told me he hated me for wrecking his life, he told me he hated Jaimie... he told me he wanted us to die...

i should have took that as a warning sign but i just kept my distance thinking that maybe it was nerves he had to love me and our baby... or so i thought...

One night i was walking upstairs to go to bed when i herd the front door slam, Derek yelling at the top of his lungs i turned around to him telling me to get the fuck out of his house or he'd kill me... so i turned around to go get some things but i was 8.5 months pregnant at the time i was slower than a rock, he came up behind me, grabbed me by the hair and threw me down the stairs. As i lay on the floor all i could think of was OMG, HE IS GOING TO KILL US!!trying to protect Jaimie and myself i tried to get up but my this time he was at the bottom of the stairs and he kicked me, right in the tummy multiple times he punched me a few times to stop my screaming when i woke up he was no where around the neighbour was calling the police and his wife was holding me and crying...

... ... ... ... ...

... i looked down and saw blood everywhere, i knew he had did the unthinkable, he had killed our daughter...

i got rushed to the hospital and hooked up to millions of things, i had doctors probing me, and i was relieved to find that Jaimie wasn't dead, but she wasn't doing to well... i cried through the night, with very bad pains... i remember the doctor telling me we had to get her out, and i refused thinking that my body could keep her alive still, he told me it was what i had to do, unfortunately, she didn't make it... she died as i was about to give birth to her.

Oh  she was a perfect little baby, fine blonde hair, chubby little baby cheeks... the cutest fingers and toes i have ever seen... other than the fact that she was dead, she was the perfect baby... she IS the perfect baby.

-- Forever in my heart Jaimie!! --
-- Mommy loves you so much --
-- <3<3<3<3<3 --

3
Child Loss / Unsure...
« on: March 18, 2009, 10:26:34 PM »
Well i got refered here by KatEngland... and so far im unsure if i belong here. I see all these entries of people that have had very unfortunate losses, I see stories and poems, and LOTS of pictures... and im jealous, i have no pictures of my little girl... i couldnt bare have one, i was so upset i didnt know that i wouldnt care if she wasnt alive in the picture, i thought that it would upset me more... yet im jealous and mad at all these pictures and i know i have no right... and im so happy that everyone that has pictures has them, cause they are so important... I miss Jaimie every year, every week, every day, every second... i've never believed in god, and i still dont... i just cant imagine someone "so strong and just" would let a mother go though this much pain. I know im not the first mother to not be able to see her child alive, but my first and only baby... and i had to hold her and kiss her and tell her i loved her while she was lifeless. I dont know what im suppost to do here... im so lost...

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