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Topics - tinkabell8998

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Child Loss / my nephew
« on: March 10, 2009, 12:24:32 PM »
Even though i may not know what its like to lose a child but, i do know what its like to lose a nephew. Almost 5 years ago my nephew Brandon Noel Adkins Jr passed away. He was only 5 weeks old when he passed away. It was 2 days after thanksgiving when god came and swept him away from earth. It was one of the worst days of my life. I was at my aunts house in the bronx when it happened. My family and i were hanging out and at about 3 in the morning we all feel asleep and then we were awaken by the scarest scream in the world. It was my sister in law screaming with my nephew in her arms and he was blue. He was gasping for air and i just stood there in shock and didnt know what to do. So they called the ambulance and i was watching my aunt do cpr to try to save his life. Then i ran down stairs and starting to yell because the ambulance people were taking too long and im screaming and crying for them to hurry up. I felt like they were moving so slow it was like everything was going in slow motion. So then they got in the ambulance my brother and his wife. Then me and the rest of the family went in the car and followed then to the hospital. But, but the time we all got there they told us the news and i droped to the floor in tears i was creaming nooooo nooooo not him why me. I think about him all the time and i miss him so much hes my little angel. Hes burried at the same cemetary as my mother and the way they have it its like my moms looking down upon him and all the other little babies. Theres a special section in the cemetary were they only burry new born babies. It really makes me sick everytime i go there because theres always so many more babies and there always burring one. I wish god would stop taking the babies away its driving me insane. I dont know what i would do if i lose another person in my life. I miss my mom and nephew so much i dont know what to do.

Brandon Noel Adkins
10~20~04 to 11~ 27~04

Main / Mommy
« on: February 28, 2009, 06:45:28 AM »
My mother was only 49 when she passed away. She was born on 4~20~59 and passed away 9~20~08 just 2 days after my 19th birthday. The day of my birthday was the last time me and my mother spoke. She called me up to wish me a happy birthday and to tell me that she loved me. Then out of nowhere she asked me when i will be moving back to NYC because she really missed me and at that time i was living in Cali. I told my mom that i wasnt sure when i would have the money to get on a plane to come back and then she started to yell at me. She said that she hated me and never wanted to see me again. I started to yell mommy im sorry i love you ill try to get home as soon as i can then she hung up on me. I tried to call back but she wouldnt answer the phone. Then 2 days later on Sept 20th thats when i got the most horrifying phone call in the world. It was my my dad crying and screaming saying that my mother had died. I immeditally started to scream and yell saying no no i want my mommy i yelled so loud the neibors heard me. My body started to shake i didnt know what to do if felt like half of me was missing. Then i called my friends who lived back in NYC because i didnt know what to do. Then i went to my old job to tell them that i had to quit and that i had to move back to NYC and one of my co workers asked me how i was going to get home i told him that i wasnt sure and he told me to go with him so i did. He took me to the bank and gave me 300$ so i can get home. I started to cry and thank him he was like sent to me like an angel. I havent spoke to him since i lost his number and if there was any way that i could see him again id give him the biggest hug ever becuase without him i dont know how i wouldve got home. Then i went back to my sisters house becuase thats who i was staying with at the time and called my aunt Jenny who lived in Las Vegas and she told me she booked me a ticket to come home and i got in the first plane back. I got back to where i live in staten island, ny at 6 am the next morning. My ex boy friend keith was there to pick me up. He drove me to my house and while i was in the car i started to shake ans cry then he pulled over and held me tight and wouldnt let me go and told me everything was going to be ok. I never understood why people hated when people said everything was going to be ok till now. It really does bother people becuase you know in your heart that it really isnt. When i walked through my door i got a cold chill down my spine and the first person i saw was my brother brandon he was sittingf by the computer with a cold look on his face like he just saw a ghost. He told me what happened andi walked into my moms room where she had passed. She passed away in her sleep and when i looked in her room there was blood all over her bed and then i started to cry. My dad told me to go lay down because i couldnt sleep the hole time i was on the plane. So i tried but i couldnt so i got up and just sat there crying. Then out of nowhere a friend of mines who i was fighting with at the time came over and gave me a hug i couldnt belive my eyes i was so surprised that she came. She stayed for awile then she had to go to work. I then begain to call all my friends and family and told then the new they all begain to cry and asked what they could do. Then my uncle called and told me he would be at my house in 3 days because he lives in north carolina. He came down and we went to the funeral home and we asked how much would a funeral be and they told us 15 thousand i couldnt believe the price they told me. Then my uncle told me to step out the room so i did not knowing anything and i went on my phone and started to text my friend jake who wanted to make sure that i was ok. Then my family walked out the room and told me that my mother would be getting cremated. I started to scream and yell because i didnt want her cremated. All i could picture was my mother burning for days. Till this day i wont talk to my uncle becuase of it. But i never liked him anways because he raped my mother when she was a teenager and i didnt like how he looked at me. Its been 5 months since she passed and till this day i still think its my fault that shes gone. I keep saying if i didnt go to cali and if i was home she would still be here with me. She passed away from a accidental overdose or she ment too of a pain patch that she was on called Fentynol pain patch. I recomend everyone who is on the patch to get off it immeditly its killing people all over the would plus it was recalled a year ago. I really didnt have time to morn the loss of my mom becuase she left me alot of responsabilities. Like taking care of my younger brother an she left me her apartment and i had to go do all these places to make sure everythings ok. I have to do the cleaning thr food shopping and laundry i have so much on my shoulders now its insane and im only 19 yrs old. Until a a few days ago i really didnt have time to moarn her and thats when it happened. I was rushed to the ER because i couldnt stop crying and i was having a panic attack. They told me i was depressed and put me in Lexapro but that didnt work it made it alot worse. An hr later i started to have suicide thoughts i wanted to take the whole bottle and go to my mom where there is no pain or sadness. Thats when i knew something iwas seriouslly wrong becuase i went to my friend Elliotts house. He saved my life if i didnt go see him i wouldve died that night. So then the next day i went to see my Dr and he said i have Panic attack disorder and he put me on a small dosage od Clonzapam 0.125 mg and he wants to see me on monday to see how i am doing. But so far ive been a little better and my best friend Jennifer had been staying with me to make sure im ok and that i dont freak out so bad. Im also agoing to start seeing a therapist next week. I think i need the help i feel like im going insane. I really miss my mom and i dont know what to do. I just havent been myself lately and its been scaring me and my family and friends. Ive been sleeping with my moms blanet and ive been wearing her shirt to bed and its the closest i can get to my mom. I just wish she was here with me i miss her alot and i feel like im going crazy. If you understand where im coming from and how i feel please write back it would be nice to actually speak to someone who knows how i feel exactly.

Teresa Carol Uricoechea
4~20~1959 to 9~20~2008

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