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Topics - Carlina

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Main / third death in two years
« on: April 24, 2010, 08:08:27 PM »
Another death today in the family. My mother passed away after many years (8) in the nursing home. She was sick the last 6 months. Mom now joins my husband Mark (22 months) and my sister's husband Sidney (two months). This family has been a strong force in helping my sister and me through a difficult time in our lives and we again are being strong for my Dad and each other.

Main / Another death in family
« on: February 27, 2010, 06:51:52 AM »
21 months after the death of my husband, my sister is going through the same thing. She lost her husband suddenly of heart failure at 53. It is bringing back so many memories of the day and week after my husband died. My husband also died at the age of 53 of a massive heart attack.  Maria is looking to me for answers and it is very hard to help her and to deal with my emotions too. I will find the strength for her. Then I will deal with the aftermath of my emotions.

Main / Dreary and long days
« on: January 26, 2010, 09:30:09 PM »
You must be strong to live in this life especially with grief as a constant companion. I had a new grandson born on Jan 19. He was three days old when he was transferred to the peds ICU unit a large city (Grand Rapids, MI) for an infection that could not be treated at the home hospital. He is now out of the unit but still in the same hospital and will continue to stay for another 5-6 days. Then we can bring out little guy home. 

Then yesterday his cousin (my four year old granddaughter) was playing at her day care and ran into the edge of a wall and was rushed to the hospital for a concussion, and 15 stitches in her forehead.

I have been so tired trying to be strong  for both of the boys as they deal with the illness of their children. It seems like it is one thing after another. I know that it has something to do with the weather and the cold. I am posting a question..... Is anyone else being affected by the cold and dreary weather? It seems like the days are very long Well I better close this post and tried to get some sleep.

Main / Been awhile
« on: January 17, 2010, 06:04:48 PM »
I have been gone awhile due to many things happening in my life. My mom's health is slipping a little everyday. My siblings and I have been trying to ease Dad's mind and to help with all the issues that dying entails.
My classroom has been a challenge this year. I have 10 special education middle school boys with Austim, and Emotional problems. Teaching has been interesting as I deal with each new problem that has come up.
The farm is settled in for the winter and we look to what spring will bring to the farm. Plans are being made and we are still following Mark's long term plans that he made before his death.
I finally decided to see a counselor to help with the depression since Mark's sudden death. The counselor feels that I was suffering from Post Tramua Syndrome (PTS) since I could not save Mark especially with my EMT training. This depression was affecting my health. I am now taking better care of myself.
I have been reading posts about the second year being harder than the first. I have found that to be true. I believe that I was so busy with getting my Master's  degree, working on the farm and in the feed store as well as working as a teacher that I didn't have time to grieve. It sure has hit me this year. I will continue to read posts and will try to add to the posts. Carlina

Main / First Annivesary
« on: July 13, 2009, 12:08:25 PM »
Today one year ago I lost my husband of 34th years on our wedding anniversary.I am having trouble believing that it has been one year. I have been doing everything  to keep busy today. I have painted the new  expected grandchild's bedroom, worked on the farm and did chores. Later I will help to pick up hay that the boys are now baling. Yesterday we had a Mass said  for him then went to the cemetary to talk with him. The kids and grandchildren as well as several close friends had a dinner of Mark's favorite foods and remember him. I feel lost without him and am trying to stay focused on the things that we need to do on the farm. I feel that later this evening I will really feel the loneliness and feeeling of heartache that I have carried for the last year.

Main / Wedding Rings
« on: June 30, 2009, 05:28:49 PM »
I also thought that is should be a new title so I hope that I am not treading on toes here. I have been only wearing my rings during the school year (I am a teacher) and to church for the last 10 months. I have  now placed the engagement ring in the jewerly box and I do not wear my band while I am working on the farm. It catches on everything. I continue to wear it for church right now but often forget to put it back on. I don't think Mark (my late husband) would have a problem with this as he also did not wear it on the farm. I don't know how long I will continue to wear it for special occasions. and for school.

Main / Slowly losing my mother
« on: June 29, 2009, 04:52:49 PM »
I was home this weekend and had to face the fact that I will lose my mother very shortly. I am having trouble dealing with this fact so close to the 1st anniversary of losing Mark. My mother has been suffering with Alzheimer’s for the last 20 years. The last 6 years she has been in a nursing home. My mother suffered a stroke in April and has been slipping away the last two months. She is suffering with seizures daily, is not eating and is bedridden. I will need to find the strength to deal with this without support from Mark.

Main / Haying Season
« on: June 13, 2009, 06:00:06 PM »
Forgot today it was 11 months since my husband Mark died. It hit me when I went to the fields to bring dinner to the my boys who were baling hay. The tractor came up over the hill and I just started to cry. Mark was the happiest when he was in the fields on the tractor doing exactly what the boys were doing today. I thought at first it was Mark but then realized that it was my second oldest son. I can still see him (Mark) last year working the same field and stopping to have dinner with me. Little did we know that four short weeks later he would be gone of a massive heart attack. It was a very difficult evening.

Main / If I knew
« on: May 29, 2009, 02:18:26 PM »
If I Knew 
by Norma Cornett Marek
If I knew it would be the last time
   that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
   and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
   that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
   and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
   I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
   so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
   I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
   instead of assuming you would know I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
   I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
   so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
   to make up for an oversight,
And we always get a second chance
   to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
   to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
   to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
   and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
   and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
   young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
   you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
   why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
   you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
   for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
And you were too busy to grant someone,
   what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
   and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
   and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Thank you,"
   "Please forgive me," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
   you'll have no regrets about today.

I have been thinking about the idea behind this poem. I hope that my darling Mark knew that I loved him and that I appreciate everything about him. It has been 10 months and I am missing help more everyday.

Main / Signs
« on: April 29, 2009, 06:35:35 PM »
A past post talked about signs from our love ones that have gone before us. Today several teachers gave a surprise me today in honor of my graduation. I received a beautiful arrangement of flowers. In this arrangement was a single pink rose. Mark use to give me roses on special occasions. Nobody in the school knew that piece of information or requested roses to be in the arrangement. I think that Mark was giving me a sign that he knows what is happening in my life. I felt great comfort when I saw the rose as well as very teary-eyed.

Main / Paper done and presented.
« on: April 20, 2009, 07:31:14 PM »
Last Wednesday I presented my thesis paper for my Master's degree and had it accepted. I felt Mark with me all day. Next Thursday I will graduate with honors. I am so glad that the stress and work is done.
I went to the cementary for the first time since all the snow melted. I just cried as I miss Mark so much. There were many other people there as well.
When I went home to see my Mom, I also saw my husband's brother. He is hurting so much that I wish I could help him and I am not sure how.
My Mom is not doing well either. Doctors are telling the family that the end is soon. We eight of us are all trying to be strong for my Dad as he is also hurting so bad.  Thanks for allowing me to speak my mind. Carlina

Main / Good News/Bad News
« on: April 04, 2009, 07:46:59 PM »
Today is one of those days. I found out that my thesis paper has been accepted and will be published. So that was a big job done. That was the good news. Then later this evening my sister called and told me that Mom is not eating again. My mother is in a nursing home for the last six years. She is suffering with dementia. My sister and Dad are worried as her seizures have also increased in the last week. My parents live 6 hours away and I am going down to see them as soon as I make arrangements. I don't know if I can handle it if anything happens. Mark death's was only 9 months ago. Thank for listening to me. CARLINA

Main / Mind is a mess
« on: March 04, 2009, 07:30:11 PM »
I have been having trouble concentrating and writing. In six weeks I need to have my thesis paper ready for review. The thesis paper will be for my Master's degree in special education. I have been having problems just getting through it. I  have people reading it and helping with the vocabulary etc. and they are trying to give suggestions about what to do next. I know that it is partly do to other thoughts in my head. I will graduate on April 30th and it is a sad time because Mark will not be there to see it. He was my biggest supporter of my education and getting my teaching degree. I just keep trying to get it done. Thank you for listening to me tonight.  CARLINA

Main / St.Valetine's Day
« on: February 14, 2009, 08:34:49 AM »
About a year ago my daughter asked me how I had stay married to my husband for 34 years. She had just had a fight with her husband of a few years. I told her the many ways that I loved her father. She then asked if Dad  knew these things. I then decided with Valentine's Day coming to write them in a letter for him. I gave it to Mark at the special dinner that I made for him. He loved the letter and we talked about it. When he suddenly died five months later I tucked it into the casket with him. Last night when I couldn't sleep I again read the letter that is saved on my computer. It was a wonderful way to celebrate with him again.

I am praying that all of you are able to get through this day and remember your love ones in a special way.  :-*

Main / What is normal??
« on: February 10, 2009, 09:20:31 PM »
I lost my husband Mark in July on our 34th wedding anniversary. He came in from the fields and said that he wanted to take a nap before we went out to dinner. I was typing a paper for my Master's class when I noticed that the dog was scratching at the bedroom door. I went in and realized he was in distress. I am a volunteer firefighter/ EMT as well as working on the ambulance crew for the local hospital. I called 911 and began CPR but all the efforts could not bring him back. We have four adult childen and 6 grandchildren. We were all devastated by his death as he was the strength of the family. The doctors told me that he had a rupture of the heart and Mark died quickly. We are all having trouble accepting his death. We as a family had to finish the haying and working on the farm. There has been many learning experiences in the last seven months.  I don't know if the numbness will ever go away. I have been having trouble writing my papers for my college classes. It seems to be harder everyday to even think. My main job is teaching special needs students and I find that I have little patience lately. Is this normal??  I just seem put one foot in foot of the other and try to keep my head above water. Even this seem rambling to me so I am going to post. Thanks

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