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Topics - Lins

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Main / ...........
« on: September 14, 2009, 08:35:23 PM »
I am only 23. I should still have my dad. I have some many questions that cannot be answered. I think about how long it could be before I see him again. I still wear his watch, carry the last pack of cigarettes and keep his truck off limits to everyone, i want to keep it just the way he had. I love it when I open the truck door and the smell hits me its comfort like he still here. I like talking to you guys, you can't see me cry. Everyone thinks i'm going crazy, but I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was my Daddy's little girl since the he brought me home from the hospital. Now, he's been taken from me. he was always on my fighting side no matter what i had done. I MISS HIM SO MUCH MY HEART ACHES.

THANKS FOR READING

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Main / Almost a year now
« on: September 04, 2009, 01:27:38 PM »
It'll be a year on Thanksgiving since my Dad passed. I do not look foward to November because with it comes my Dad's birthday and 10 days later the day he passed away on. I don't know what to do. November has lost its appeal to me. I still find myself thinking that at anytime I can pick the phone up and call him. Then, like a nightmare I can't wake up from it all hits me again. The pain I feel from the lose, the sorrow, the anger. I don't sleep, hardly. I can't stand to lie there and have what I saw play over and over again in my head. People that are close to me tell me that it will all get easier with time. I don't see how. I feel drained and disconnected from the person I use to be. My family has deemed me as my Dad's keeper. They tell me that I need to take it easy on myself but I cannot. I lash out towards those that are closest to me and I can feel myself withdrawing from those relationships. I keep others at a distance. Somedays I just don't know what to do with myself. I am lost. I beleive I need someone to talk to that is not associated with me or my situation. Anyways, thanks for reading and your replies, it helps me a little to vent. Sorry if I ramble.

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Main / Angry
« on: March 26, 2009, 09:36:18 AM »
I find myself being so angry! Angry that the one person, my dad, I could never dissappoint was taken from me! Angry with myself that I allow myself to forget the tradegy that has strucken me! Then I remember that he is not here anymore. I'm angry that no matter how much I try I cannot be happy!!! Everyone tells me that I've got to stop, but how? This is not a voluntary torture that I am inflicting upon myself I have no control over it. Now, I do have my good days and everybody likes me then. I have my days were I can cover up my feelings and lie to everyone that act as if they care that I fine, I've gotten to be a pretty good liar as of late! Then I have my days where no matter what I do I can't control it. Today is one of those days. I don't want anyone's sympathy. I just want for someone to understand what I'm going through, what I saw, what I see when I try to sleep. I guess this is my way of getting out my anger. To all that read this, Thanks for taking the time. I guess if you have any suggestions you can leave a reply but honestly just being able to get my feelings out and not being jugde for what I say or feel is enough.

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Main / I've lost my dad
« on: February 09, 2009, 08:16:31 PM »
Well, I guess I'm here to try and cope with my loss.  My dad passed away the day before Thanksgiving but I didn't find him until Thanksgiving night. Him and my mom had gotten a divorce years ago so I took care of him by bringing him food, every night. Well, my kids had been sick that week so I called him on Monday and told him I wouldn't be over. Well I tried calling Tuesday and Wednesday, it was not unusual for him to not answer, so I didn't think anything of it. So on Thanksgiving I went to all my families' houses and after I was done I went to my dad's, I knocked on the door, no answer so I let myself in as I usually did, I called out to him over and over, the whole time I was smelling something, well I didn't get an answer so I figured he was napping cause it was about 6 so that was usual, so I went to his room, I turned on the light and saw him, slumped over in the floor with his head propped up on his shelf, I said dad, dad, no answer, I turned off the light thinking I couldn't have seen what i thought i saw, so I turned the light back on and realized what had happened. I don't remember much after that I blacked out. My husband told me I came running out of the house yelling my daddy. We went back in but i don't remember that. He'd been there for a day or so. in a hot house I won't got into describing what exactly I saw but it was horrible. That's what I see when I shut my eyes. It's horrible. I am such a daddy's girl, I always have been. He used to tell me that's why me and my mom didn't get along because i was so much like him.
Its been 10 weeks and 5 days since my dad passed and it still hits me as a surprise every time I think of him. It still feels like I could pick up the phone and He'd be on the other line asking what I've been up to. I love him so much. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. I just wish I could feel the strength they see.
 

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