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Topics - ladybug1984

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Sibling Loss / Happiest & Saddest Day of My Life
« on: August 31, 2009, 12:20:31 AM »
It's been only seven months since I lost my precious sister Jacquelyn. 

My wedding was a few weeks ago, and it was extremely difficult to get through, especially considering she was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids.  I wanted to cancel or postpone the wedding, but my parents were very much against that.  I felt somewhat forced into the decision...I put on a fake smile to get through all the necessary crap like finding a dress without her, picking out flowers without her, etc...and then I'd come home and cry.

We still had her bridesmaid bouquet made, and had it placed on a pedestal right before the ceremony, up front with the other girls.  Walking down the aisle, and seeing my future husband smiling made me so happy, and then looking at that bouquet, made me want to just burst into tears because I wanted her there so very badly and its not fair.

I still frequently get those, "let me call her to see what she's up to" moments... they're still really painful.

What I wouldn't see her smiling face again.

I'm glad that I got through this, for the sake of my husband and family, but at the same time, a big part of me didn't want to go through with it at all.  I just still feel like any sort of celebration is just so wrong and unnatural. 

I hope I made the right decision.

I love you, and miss you more than anything... and I hope that you were watching and there with us.

Sibling Loss / Hard Days
« on: March 07, 2009, 06:29:20 PM »
Today I went with my mother and older sister to purchase my wedding dress for my August 8th wedding.  I feel like it's going to be impossible to be happy with my precious sister Jackie not being there.  She was more excited about this wedding than I was.  She was my helper and planner, and it felt like there was a huge piece of me missing today.  I hope she would like the dress I picked.  I still cannot imagine her not being there by my side in front of the church, in her pretty bridesmaid dress with her tiny little size 5 feet.  I just hurt so badly today, and I tried my best to hide it from my mom and sister.  My consultant probably thought we were psychos because we kept crying.  It's because she wasn't there, and she wanted to be so badly.  This is just so painful, and I really didn't want to go forward with the wedding.  But my parents, fiance, and other siblings do.  I just feel pushed or pressured into it.  She's been gone 1 month and fourteen days.

Sibling Loss / My Precious Sister
« on: January 27, 2009, 10:25:02 PM »
One week ago, I lost my older sister Jacquelyn Marie.  She was just 37 years old.  She was diagnosed with Leukemia at a year old, and beat it with chemotherapy and radiation treatment.  At age 13, she was in a terrible car accident that severed her right arm from her body.  She recovered and maintained partial use of the re-attached limb.  From a blood transfusion received during the accident in the 1980s, she contracted Hepatitis C and has been living with it ever since. 

Last week Tuesday, my precious sister was taken away from me because of pneumonia that turned in to Meningitis.  I can't do anything without thinking of her and bursting into tears and yearning to see her face and give her a hug.  I can't imagine my life without her.  I cannot imagine being happy without ever seeing her again.  I'm so angry at myself that I didn't just randomly pop in to her house to check on her, or that I haven't been spending as much time with her due to a recent promotion at work.  I don't think the guiltiness will ever go away for the rest of my life.

She had been helping me plan my upcoming wedding that was scheduled for August.  She was so excited, she helped me pick out almost everything.  She was like a second mother to me because of our 13 year age difference.

My sister fought for her life and was the bravest person I know.  I just refuse to accept that she couldn't make it through this...she lived through so many worse things.  Why didn't I check on her?

I returned to work yesterday.  I would be knee deep in a spreadsheet, and then randomly think "I wonder what Jackie is doing for dinner tonight."  I'd immediately realize that she's no longer here and burst into tears.

Jackie was very talented at hand making jewelry, in spite of her disability.  My favorite piece was a glass ladybug bracelet she made me.  The night before her funeral at about 2am, I was looking up Meningitis on the internet and a ladybug landed on my hand.  I put it on the window ledge.  I told my parents the story the next day.  Two days later, at church, my dad nudged me really hard and nodded his head at the pew in front of us, and a ladybug was crawling across the top.  I've never been a really religious person like my sister was, but I believe it was her or controlled by her.

When will I accept what has happened?  Is this normal?  It's almost as if I forget what has happened.  I do this at least five times a day.  I feel so foolish and lost.  I can only sleep for about 3 hours at a time.  In my heart, I know she's gone...but it seems that my mind keeps playing tricks on me.  Could I be doing this because of lack of sleep?

I'm going to miss her so much.  My life will never be the same without her.

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