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Topics - LLM

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Main / I think I'm still in denial....
« on: January 26, 2009, 06:54:05 AM »
My boyfriend and love of my life died on 12-21-08. I have days where the sadness is overwhelming when I don't think I can take another step or do another thing. But for the last few days, everytime I think about what I have lost I push it out of my mind and try to go on with something else. I went back to work right away, I read a lot, anything to take my mind off it. I'm beginning to think something is wrong with me. Every morning I wake up crying but today I did not because I just got up and went about getting ready for work.

Has anyone else experienced this so early in their grief? I'm beginning to wonder that I am still in denial and not accepting this and I don't think that is emotionally healthy.

Main / He died 12-21-08 and I still can't believe it
« on: January 21, 2009, 04:19:34 PM »
I lost my boyfriend of 11 yrs 1 month ago today. He died of a stroke. He was only 48 years old. We lived together here in the US but he was born in Morocco. He had been visiting his family in Morocco for the past several months. I went to see him in November and we had a 3 week vacation together. I returned to the US in late November and a week after I got back he had suffered the first stroke. He told me he had a bad headache and that his legs had gone numb temporarily. I told him he needed to get to the hospital but he did not take it seriously enough and it was several days before he got to a dr. They did an MRI and found out what happened and admitted to him the hospital.

It was so hard to get information because I do not speak the language and his family does not speak English. I had a friend's husband call them because he speaks French and all Moroccans speak French as well as Moroccan. For a week I was getting  basic information from him and then he told me he had a second stroke and was in a coma. It was then I decided to return to Morocco. I left on 12-12-08 and arrived on 12-13-08 and went to see him. It was horrible. The medical facilities are horrible and he had no insurance so he was in a public hospital and it was horrible-nothing like we have here in the US.

Again, it was difficult to get information and to find out exactly what was going on with him. For some reason I still don't understand they said they couldn't do a coiling procedure on him at that time to repair the broken blood vessel.

The day after I got there, he started to wake up. I had prayed to God for a miracle and I thought my prayers had been answered! Every day he was talking more, and getting a little stronger and I was so happy thinking he had survived a very serious thing.

Then, on 12-21-08 his brother came to the house to get me to tell me he had another stroke and had died. It was horrible and I was in shock and couldn't believe it. That was the one night I had not gone back to the hospital at night because I was so tired and needed a break. The feelings of guilt for not being there really killed me.

The funeral customs are very different there and he was buried just a few hours after he died. I didn't understand anything that was being said and I have no grave or place to go visit him.

I miss him SO much. I think the shock and numbness is just wearing off now and I am so SAD. It's horrible and I have been crying non stop and begging God to bring him back to me. I truly didn't understand how horrible death was until this. I feel a need to connect with others who are going through the same thing.

Friends and family have gone on with their lives and I'm all alone now. One friend of mine has never even called me. I do have a few good friends who have been supportive but even they have stopped calling and checking in. I'm all alone with my grief and all I see ahead of me is an endless dark tunnel with no end in sight and i am very depressed.

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