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Topics - mae

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Main / I am a Monster
« on: December 11, 2006, 11:05:10 AM »
Hello. I've never done this posting thing before, but It sounds like a good idea.

I fell in love with someone almost 3 years ago. He was my life, my soul, my ups and my downs, he was my everything. then about 2 years ago he started getting kind of mentally abusive... manipulative, controlling, making me feel stupid. I didn't know how to handle the pain, and I didn't want to burden him with my talking. I just assumed it was from all the stress from the band we have together,his work, and bills. I cheated on him about 4 months ago. I wish i could take back time. I would never wish this kind of mental anguish on anyone. Needless to say, we kind of broke up. I begged and pleaded forgiveness to no avail. After he told me he wouldn't forgive me, that once a cheat always a cheat, I tried to kill myself. I took a bunch of different anti depressants that were my roomates. He calls me a whore, a monster, tells me to go spread my legs somewhere else, and other graphic things not appropriate for a forum. i have cried myself to sleep everynight for the past 4  months. I can't look at myself in the mirror without hating myself, wanting to pluck out my eyes. I hate who I am. I hate myself for what I did. I don't want to hate myself anymore. After staying up all night crying last night, and the crying now.... I can't make it stop! I want the crying to end. I want my heart to stop breaking every second of every day. I want my confidence back. I'm a monster and I don't want to be a monster anymore but I don't know where to turn for help. Please if anyone could help me.... suggestions, comments, anything.

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