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Topics - sj1211

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Child Loss / a song you may have already heard.......
« on: February 15, 2009, 08:09:58 AM »
Kenny has several songs that are especially touching to my heart, here is one:

Small | Large

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Child Loss / i am in the chat room (Feb 8 2009 at 8:15 a.m. central time)
« on: February 08, 2009, 07:16:47 AM »
just wanted to see if anyone is around

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Child Loss / still on my journey
« on: February 03, 2009, 07:09:57 AM »
I haven't posted in a while. I have come here and read posts and wanted to post something, but I never really know what I want to say. I am so sick over losing my son. I echo the feelings of many here, I am tired of the things some people say. I am tired of people putting on their sad face and asking me 'how are you doing?" DUH, my son, my youngest child and only son is gone, and you (the person asking) and I aren't even and have never been "close". I finally came up with an answer the other day that kind of felt satisfying. A man who has known me for years, whom I don't really like or respect asked me that very question "How are you doing?" (with his sad face) and I replied, "Don't ask me that, I don't have an answer for you." Maybe slightly 'snarly', but oh well, I got my point across I think.

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Child Loss / Harder to cope now than in the first few days.
« on: January 14, 2009, 06:50:11 AM »
I don't know why, but I am just now beginning to realize that I am never going to escape the pain of loosing Wes. For the last two days, I have felt more alone than at any point before. I suppose it is partly because I haven't felt well physically. I've seen the doctor and I'm working on that. Just sinus and ear infection, but a nusiance none the less. It's probably also due to the fact that the cards of condolance have stopped. For the last few days of cards trickling into my mailbox, I would ask God each day, please, just one more card, don't let them stop. The last card I recieved was two weeks ago. I recieved a couple 'thinking of you' ones, in regards to Wesley's birthday. Now there are no more. For now, I want everything to just stop, I need to figure out how to answer people when they say how are you doing? I am so totally dumbfounded when casual acquantances who are aware of what I'm facing ask me those words. I started out by saying "oh, i'm doing pretty well considering" and now I just look at them and the tears fill my eyes. Mostly I've tried to do my crying alone, and not let anyone know how badly I'm doing, but then again, I've never been faced with the loss of my child, maybe I'm not doing so badly after all. My doctor asked if I wanted an anti depressant for a while, and I said no, but maybe I should? But what good will it do when Wes is still gone? I am so sad.

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Well Frank arrived on time and friendly for his appointment. He did not apologize for the remarks he made when he tried to 'joke' with me about knowing where I am , however he did say he had been wanting to talk to me since Wes died, because years ago he lost a stepson he had mostly raised. His stepson Joey died in a car/train wreck and Joey's best friend who was riding with him was killed as well. He said when he heard about my loosing Wes, he was taken back and struggled himself for a few days. Wow, I suppose he just wasn't thinking the day he stopped by the salon, or he was thinking too much and trying to hard to be "up" for me. May I never cease to be amazed.  Today for the first time, I actually didn't mind chatting with him as it seemed he understood my feelings that time will not ever make this better, I just have to grow acustomed to missing Wes all the time. The lord works in mysterious ways sometimes.

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Child Loss / I got slightly 'snarly' with someone today
« on: January 03, 2009, 05:11:07 PM »
It's been less than two months since Wes died in that accident, and I've been kind, strong and patient, but today I lost it a bit. A guy who's hair I've been cutting for a few years came in, I've never been especially fond of him, but it wasn't a big deal. Today he ticked me off and he didn't even realize it. For the last two weeks, I was driving my husbands car to work since my daughter and her husband had flown in from out of state for a holiday visit. So anyway, this guy Frank, always stops in during the morning, right about when I'm getting to work and wants a haircut. I'm not usually in the mood, because it's not quite time for work yet, I already knew last night who had the first appointment and he wasn't it. So most of the time i just tell him sit down, I'll do it now (just to get him out of there). Today he was trying to be a wise a**, funny I suppose is what he thought he was attempting. Anyway he said where's your car? I said it's right out front, on Saturday the insurance people next door are closed so I park right in front of the building. He said what do you drive, I told him a white buick, and he said it hasn't been here. I said, (while I'm still trying to complete a perm on a regular client) I drove Steve's silver one the last couple weeks because I let my daughter and son in law use mine. Frank said you should let people know where you are??? I said *smiling* I don't really need any MORE people to know where I am, he said well I'm not sure if you even know where you are half the time. What the Heck??? I said Well, I have a damn good right to not know where I am latley don't I???? I was just fuming, and he still made an appointment for next week. I REALLY don't even want to deal with him right now, absolutley no tact on his part and it's not something new, he's like that all the time, I just usually do a better job of letting his crass comments roll off my back. Today however was a different story. In some strange way, I'm proud of myself, because I just let it out. I have no reason to apologize for how I'm getting along right now. Soon I intend to take a week or so off. When Wes died, at first I WANTED to go back to work, so I went back the day after his funeral, Now, less than two months have passed and I'm not wanting to do anything except stay home and do whatever I want to do. UGH, this role of grieving parent is quite like a roller coaster isn't it?

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Child Loss / I don't know what to type
« on: December 19, 2008, 06:35:22 AM »
Hello to all, I am very new here. I wish I knew what I want to tell you. I guess I'll just start and see where I end up. My son, Wesley who would be 17 four days after Christmas, was killed in an automobile crash on November 14, 2008. There were three boys near his age in his pick up truck, and a car with three girls inside near the same ages as the boys. The girls attempted to pass, and swerved and caused my son and their car to loose control and both vehicles rolled. My son and one of his passengers were ejected as was one of the girls from the car. Wesley's neck was broken, and the other kids all walked away, without ever loosing consciousness.
I heard about an accident, and something told me to call Wes, I'm not normaly a paniky person, but called his cell phone anyway, I just wanted to KNOW that it wasn't him. He didn't answer. I discovered  moments later when I called  Wesley's dad (my ex) to find out if he knew where Wes was, (Wes had told me as he left for school that morning that he intended to spend the night with his dad) That it WAS Wes in the wreck and his dad was already at the scene. His dad said, "Yes, I'm here and I'm really scared, it's not good, they're doing chest compressions on him now". I headed to the accident, with my now husband Steve, and our good friends following in their vehicle. When we got there, we had to park quite a way behind because of all the rescue vehicles, and I tried to run to find Wesley's dad. I finally saw him and yelled his name, and he turned and said "he's in that ambulance and they're going to the hospital now", I turned to get back to our vehicle and could see a rescue worker doing chest compressions inside the ambulance. I suddenly lost all my air and my strength and knew in my heart that I had lost my baby boy. All I could keep saying was "I can't do this I can't do this", over and over and over, the ambulance took off with Wesley's dad following and then us after him. After we had driven about two miles, something came over me and I stopped my chanting, "I can't do this, I can't do this", and took a breath and said to Steve, "he didn't make it", Steve said just hang on, we'll be there soon, and I said, "it doesn't matter, when I get there, they're going to tell me he's gone". When we got there they were still unloading his stretcher and as they came in I saw three or four drops of blood on the floor, someone wiped them quickly. After about 5 minutes behind the closed door, the door opened and the doctor was telling me that they did all they could.....I just said I understand, I understand. Then a friend who is a nurse and had been in the room, and known me since before Wes was even born, came out and gave me a hug and said I'm so sorry, and then I finally started to sob and whispered to her "I'm dead too, I'm dead too, and then I fainted. Here it is more than a month later, and I still get by day to day, and have my moments. I realize now that this won't ever really be "better, or easier", I'll just get used to it.
Wesley and I have always been very close. He couldn't stand to see me cry, if he did, he would get tears too. He loved me well, and I KNOW he knew how much I loved him. The last words he spoke to me that morning were "love you too, probably see you tomorrow" (remember he was going to spend the night with his dad) He would have come to my work place on Saturday probably near breakfast or lunch time and gotten me something to eat. He was well liked in school, but he didn't like the studying part. We greeted over 600 people during the visitation, and his funeral was attended by more than 1,000. Seriously!~He knew more about loving people in his short life, than some people ever figure out. He loved motocross and fourwheeling and driving anything! He enjoyed helping his dad on the farm.
Thanks to anyone who reads my long post, at least I've gotten started here.

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