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Topics - Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Child Loss / Belated Fathers Day thoughts
« on: June 18, 2019, 03:07:19 PM »
Sorry all, sometimes I just get so wrapped up in my own life that I forget what a lifeline this website was to me in my darkest earliest hours.
So much of grief is related to the grieving Mothers and yet the Dads are right there too with their hearts broken.
I hope all you grieving Dads had some sort of sweet sign from you precious angel and rather on focusing what we do not have right in front of us anymore your heart was able to swell with overflowing love of beautiful memories.
Your Sister-In-Grief,

Child Loss / Where is everyone?
« on: May 20, 2019, 08:55:30 AM »
Almost 13 years ago when I found  my way to this website it was a g-dsend for me. Now there is practically no activity? Tom Golden do you know why? I haven't even seen Terry being active on the site-is all well with her?

Child Loss / Mothers Day 2019
« on: May 12, 2019, 10:18:55 AM »
Thinking of all my Sisters & Brothers in Grief.
I share your pain.
Wishing y'all a sign from your angels.
XO Paula

Child Loss / Life
« on: February 10, 2019, 10:30:59 AM »
I here today just to vent. There is nowhere or no-one that I want to talk or see since there is nothing that can be done to help the situation. I've been on this journey so long that I know better to fall into the lull of false happiness. My key to living after Adam passed is to have hope for my remaining children and my struggling child. I wanted to believe so badly that things had turned a corner for her that I am angry, disappointed and fighting going down this rabbit hole yet once again.
I will recenter, refocus and in time get through this, however each time is painful.
Thinking of you Terry as I write this. I imagine you will read this and worry-please don't. It is just a dark period for me now, like others dark period that have come before this current one.
The board is awfully quiet. There is any core group anymore. I wonder why people don't naturally gravitate to this website anymore

Child Loss / Holiday Time
« on: December 21, 2018, 10:14:57 AM »
Another holiday season and another year comes to a close. Whether you are a newly bereaved parent or a seasoned veteran in this g-d awful journey the holidays bring forth memories of seasons past and the reality that our angels are no longer in our earthly world. The holidays stir up all sorts of emotions and being a bereaved parent really stirs the pot and ratchets it up to a new level.
My advice is to take a deep breathe and start to decompress. Inhale good thoughts by counting your blessings and exhale the sadness and negativity. Proceed moment by moment. Moments are very brief periods of time, easier to manage than day by day or hour by hour. Try to prepare for the holiday by planning what you will or will not be doing. Try to limit any difficult situations and if you must be in one prepare as best as possible and acknowledge the upcoming difficult situation so you are not caught unawares.
I wish you all peace and blessings and with hope that you will receive a positive sign from your angel.
Your Sister-In-Grief,

This forum was a lifeline to me early on in my grief. Tom, Terry and quite a few of the parents who lost children around the same time that I lost my son helped to carry me through the darkest of days. I rarely check in anymore but the holidays makes me sentimental and brings forth memories to me. Also, a long time friend lost her daughter one year ago today and in trying to help emotionally support her I always recommend this website to her.
I wish peace of heart for all of you and blessings to sustain you.
We are the war veterans of life and everyone else is civilians and just cannot get it. Take as much time as you need to reflect, cry, and hopefully tender memories will ease the way.
With love,
XO Paula XO
Adam's forever Mama

Child Loss / 11 years today
« on: September 06, 2017, 09:06:27 AM »
"I take my son by the hand and lead him to you, God of love. Here is Adam Daniel. Accept my love and thanksgiving as I entrust him into your loving care. I want him to be free to be at home with you. I ask that you save a place for me there beside him and that you be my loving presence in all the lonely moments that await me. I ask that you fill me with motivation and energy in the days ahead when I feel like giving up; remind me often of my true homeland when I am caught up in the desolation of the journey. Help me to find joy in the people, events, and the beauty of nature that surround me. Thank you for the gift of my son in this life. I want to believe that we will celebrate the treasure of our love again, when we are both in your presence forever. May this truth sustain me in the days to come. Take my sad and aching heart and comfort me. Comfort me, for I can only feel hollowness and emptiness God of the sorrowing, draw near! Amen." 11 years today. My heart feels even heavier than usual on Adam's angelversary date.

Child Loss / Very blue
« on: August 30, 2016, 12:05:00 PM »
I come to the site and don't see the activity here that I was used to seeing in the early days of my child loss. I wonder why? I hope that people are not losing children, that they are finding immediate help and coping better.
My Kaiti remains in prison and the wheels of justice grind very slowly. She has completed her parole violation and yet they will not release her. It is a cluster fu*k. I've been calling everyone and yesterday reached out to Albany where the head honcho's of Parole work. Maybe the lady I spoke to you yesterday will be able to unravel this mess and aid us. We are welcoming, once again, Kaiti into our home, this time it will be in Fl. where will be residing full time shortly. I can only hope & pray that G-d will intervene and instill her with a sense of peace so she doesn't need to seek it in the solace of heroin, lying & stealing.
Adam's 10th heavenly anniversary (9/6) is rapidly approaching, as as usual, I am quickly dissolving into a bucket of tears. I recall when Dena, our former moderator, posted about the 10th heavenly anniversary of her beloved son Josh, and I thought such a long time...and now, seemingly in a blink of an eye, here I am too.
The decision to move to Fl. came fairly lightly, but the process of selling, giving away, donating my life is very emotional. Photograph albums are a destroyer...seeing pictures of my Adam & Kaiti...unaware of what hardballs life would dish out to us. Sadness over missing my parents and inlaws. I'm just a weepy mess.
Craig's been out of work for 2+ years now and we are spending 24/7 together and that is a difficult transition. I'm finding fault with him and he with me. I don't understand why 2 people who love one another, made a life together, cannot truly communicate and accept one another.
So many fairy tale endings do not come to be.
Sad, very sad, I am today.
Your sister-in-grief,

Child Loss / House purging
« on: June 23, 2016, 03:59:10 PM »
We are in contract to see our home up North and moving full time to our "snowbird" residence. I am busy every day cleaning out every nook & cranny, sorting out who wants what, donation boxes, garage sales boxes, what we are taking and stuff for our garage sale.
I came across a carton dedicated to Adam and as I went through it the grief hurt like a dagger to the gut and heart. I threw away a lot of stuff that I no longer have the need to hold onto. Things like the funeral home guest book, things that I clung to in the beginning. I was rocked so hard by the grief that I had to stop and I went into Craig's arms and wept. I will go through that carton again and keep only the most near and dear to my heart items. Over these past 9 3/4 years I have occasionally done this, donating his clothes and other items. Each time I know I am setting myself freer of the need to hold onto material possessions of Adam's because he and my love for him will always be embedded in my heart.

Child Loss / Father's Day 2016
« on: June 18, 2016, 08:09:26 AM »
My husband feels terrible on Father's Day. We had so much trouble with our late son and our daughter and our family was in turmoil, no one acting in their best behaviors. The last FD before our son had passed we decided to "skip" on FD and went to the beach. As it turns out our late son came to the house to be with his Dad and waited for him, unbeknownst to us. And of course, what ultimately made it worse is that there was to never be another FD with our son alive.
So fast forward, to FD 2016 & my husband is a man plagued by many demons, ill health and and a traumatized mind. Our youngest son and his live in girlfriend will be with us tomorrow and I hope to try to create a day for him that can be somewhat enjoyable and with any luck at least a few moment of peace of mind & heart.
To all my bereaved brothers on this site I wish you signs from your angels and a day less anguished by their loss and moments of joy from memories of our time together on this Earth.
XO Your sister-in-grief, Paula XO

Child Loss / Change is hard
« on: May 30, 2016, 05:06:52 PM »
We are making a change. Leaving people & places behind. Seeking the comfort of our seasonal home. We find peace and comfort there. Put our house on the market.
It's easy to cling to the past, with all it's pain and suffering. I will embrace the change and the new positive path our lives will take in newer surroundings.
I wish for all you grieving parents the courage and ability to make positive changes in your lives. No matter what, moving "forward" we will stay keep our angels tucked closely in our hearts.

Child Loss / Mother's Day 2016
« on: May 06, 2016, 09:53:27 AM »
Thinking of all my "Sisters & Brother's-in-grief" as we mark another occasion without our beloved sons & daughters. I do hope that you all get a sign from your angels that will help to remind you that they might not reside in our arms in the present but they are always embedded in our hearts.
Until we are reunited with them,

Child Loss / As 2015 ends and 2016 begins
« on: December 31, 2015, 01:42:52 PM »
2016....the year that will mark the 10th year of my beloved Adam's passing. Certain #'s are harder to take than others. Ten years to be is a significant number.
These past ten years have been a very rocky road for me and mine. There have been some joys. We celebrated my son's engagement, his marriage and the birth of his first child. I have seen my youngest son grow into his manhood and I like who he is very much. Through a bereavement group I met a wonderful couple and we bonded into close friends.
I hope that 2016 finds a way to ease my daughter's ongoing difficult lifestyle and that she learns to make better choices. I hope that my husband's serious health issues become a thing that we leave behind in 2015. I hope to learn acceptance and decrease my anxieties and lapses in memory.
I wish for all of my bereavement friends to find an easier path in their personal grief journeys.
May there be more moments of sunshine in your lives from here on out.
Wishing you peace and blessings,
XO Paula

Child Loss / Christmas Eve & Christmas Day
« on: December 24, 2015, 10:35:11 AM »
To my Sisters & Brothers in Grief,
I'm am holding you and yours close to my heart, thoughts and prayers as we move through these holidays missing our Angel children.
Peace & blessings to all,
XO Paula XO

Child Loss / Broken heart
« on: December 19, 2015, 03:25:59 PM »
Nothing breaks your heart more than the death of a child. Having to live with my daughter's decisions is a close 2nd.

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