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Topics - Lori, Alex's Mom

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Child Loss / Just posting on calendar - not really today
« on: February 26, 2007, 08:44:28 PM »
Fly with the angels Alex!

I love you.

Mom

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Child Loss / I'm tired of the pain... How do you do it?
« on: February 24, 2007, 05:31:10 PM »
I'm so new at this.  And I'm already so tired of the pain.  Last night I actually felt suicidal - because I just want the pain to stop.

I guess I now have an idea of how my son felt most of the time.

I won't do it.  I have too many people who would be destroyed if I did.  But still I wish I could stop the pain, and I don't know how to handle it.

How do you do it?

3
Child Loss / Calendar Post: Alex's Birthday
« on: February 15, 2007, 02:08:53 PM »
Happy Birthday Alex!

Love, mom

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Child Loss / Alex became an angel
« on: February 15, 2007, 12:06:00 PM »
(((Alex)))

I love you.

Mom

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Child Loss / The sounds I make...
« on: February 15, 2007, 09:04:44 AM »
When I cry, the sounds I make are primal and a little scary.  I've never made these kind of sounds when I cried before.  I understand why it's different but it still shocks me when I hear myself.

I only cry that openly when I'm alone.  It's a very private thing.  I think it would scare or shock others.

Lori, Alex's mom

PS  You are all in my heart and prayers.  When I read posts I cry and cry and cry.  And my heart breaks all over again for both myself and you.  Please know how much I love and support you all even if I don't respond.

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Child Loss / WARNING: About Alex Triggers: mental illness, suicide
« on: February 10, 2007, 04:22:46 PM »
October 17, 1986 - November 5, 2006

Barely 20 years old...

Alex suffered from behaviorial and emotional problems his whole life. As a child he was diagnosed ADHD with oppositional defiant disorder. He always suffered from depression. He as aggressive and violent as a child.  He didn't fit in with his peers.  He was the kid who sat alone at lunch time and had trouble making friends because he was different.  On the positive he was always smiling, very friendly, and knew no stranger.  He would talk to anyone - sometime a bit scary  :).  He was funny and entertaining.  Adults enjoyed him when he was in a good mood, not being stubborn, not throwing a fit, etc. 

As a teen he turned the anger inwards and his depression became even worse. He attempted suicide the first time when he was 16. By age 19 he had attempted suicide 4 times that I know of...

He was a dear, compassionate child but very difficult to live with. He had extremely poor hygiene and was generally a slob. Typing that made me give a sad smile.  I'd really like to have my slob of a son back in my life.  He ended up with a diagnosis of severe depression, poor impulse control, and a personality disorder.

The last time he had tried to commit suicide (which I believe was his 6th attempt) was in March 2006 over a job at McDonalds which he had just gotten but could not deal with. His methods of attempts were always more of a scream for help rather then him truly wanting to die. In March, I helped him start the process of getting on disability. He was approved by July. He moved into a group home that was three blocks from where I live.

From June 2006 through September 2006, he was over at my house practically every day. And I loved it.  I loved being with my son; I just couldn't handle having him live with me.  His computer was still here, and he taught me how to play his favorite RPG game, Guild Wars. He would be here everyday and we would be in the same room each on our own computers and play the game together.

The end of September he used crack for the 1st time. He then moved into supportive housing for people with disabilities (a 2-bedroom apartment which he shared with one other person). Sometime the beginning of October he stopped taking his meds and continued using crack. By November 5th, he was dead. They say he "dove" out of a window on the 14th floor of a local hi-rise. He had cocaine in his system, but was not high at the time he went out the window.

This is so very hard for me to comprehend. I know my son killed himself, however I'm not convinced that he knew that what he was doing was going to be fatal. I was very close to my son, and I miss him horribly. When I cry I literally feel my heart is breaking in half.

He had such a hard, difficult life and I know he is in a better place. I honestly feel that he had done everything he needed to do in this life and touched all of the lives he was supposed to touch -- and that God decided he had suffered enough and that it was time to go home. I'm happy for him. But I can't imagine how I'm going to live the rest of my life without him even though I know I have to.

At his funeral I read the children's book, "Where The Wild Things Are" because Alex was my wild thing. Max is the child's name in the book. I'm playing Guild Wars on Alex's account, and name all the characters I play "Max the Wild... something" in honor of Alex. After I started doing this I realized that Max = Mom plus Alex. M for mom, and A and X for AleX. Does that make sense? Anyway, it seems like a fitting name for the characters that I play for him. He never felt that he succeeded at much. He loved this game, because he kicked ass on it, and was admired by the others he played with. We always kind of gave him heck about spending too much time on the computer, but before he died he helped me understand why the game was so important to him. I thank God that he let me into his Guild Wars world and that I still have that part of him.

I'm sorry this is so lengthy. It's really the most I've shared with anyone since he died.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this...

Lori, Alex's mom

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Child Loss / Only three months since Alex has been gone
« on: February 05, 2007, 03:35:25 PM »
Today is the 3 month mark.  And I'm still here.  It seems like an eternity ago but 3 months isn't very long.  It's hard for me to imagine living the rest of my life without him here, but I know that's what I have to do.

It just doesn't seem right.

Alex's mom

8
Hi everyone.  It's been awhile since I've been here.  When I first found the forum, it felt so good to come and read what everyone was writing about their children.  I would read the posts and cry and cry.  It was very good for me because at the time it was almost the only time I would allow myself to cry.

Alex died two months ago on November 5th.  Today is his 2 month anniversary of going on to a better place for him.  I seem to have gone into a different phase and it has gotten to the point that sometimes when I come to this forum and start reading I cannot handle the pain that I hear in everyone's hearts on top of my own pain.

So right now I'm not coming here very often but please know you are all in my heart and prayers.

Peace,

Lori

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Child Loss / My baby boy - Finally!
« on: December 13, 2006, 08:03:38 PM »
Here's my baby - finally!   ;D

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Child Loss / Hello to everyone... having a hard time responding
« on: December 10, 2006, 05:02:16 AM »
I just came to the site last night, and I've read and cried and read and cried.  That's a good thing cuz I've been holding my emotions back.  I'm normally a very emotional person who wears my heart on my sleeve, but  since the funeral I have this weird hold on my emotions it's a bit scary.  I let go every once in awhile, but usually only by myself.

I'm normally an outgoing person who reaches out to others, but I hide now from so many people.  I find I'm even hiding a bit here and not even feeling that I can reach out and offer support to others.  It makes me so sad to look at all these beautiful children and to know the pain and sorrow that so many parents feel, especially since I now understand it firsthand.

I hope that I will be able to open up on this site.  I know it's already given me a place where I can go and open up my emotions and cry.  I cry for all of you and I cry for myself.  Even though right now I can't respond to many posts please know you are all in my heart and prayers and I thank you for your support and prayers.

Alex's Mom

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Child Loss / New to site -- and new to this club :(
« on: December 09, 2006, 08:25:21 PM »
My son, Alex, just died on 11/5/06.  He was 20 years old and suffered from mental illness.  He killed himself.  They say he jumped from the 14th floor of a hi-rise.  There are a lot of un-answered questions that will probably never be answered.  I know he killed himself but exactly how he died I am not completely sure of.  I guess it doesn't matter, does it?  No matter what, he's gone.

I really find myself reaching out to other parents who have lost their children, because I don't feel anyone else can possibly even begin to understand all the crazy feelings I have.

Is there anyone else who has lost a child due to suicide?  I have many, many conflicting emotions.

I'm sorry this is what has brought us all together; however I hope to be a friend and make some friends.

Lori, Alex's Mom

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