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Topics - dragonlady2865

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1
Parent Loss / missing dad so badly
« on: December 20, 2010, 01:22:40 PM »
As christmas closely approaches my life gets darker and darker.  I lost my dad july 28 and it has been hell ever since.  When he first died I went for about 2 months haveing the same nitemare over and over.  I was back in his hospital room watching him draw his last breath over and over again.  And then the last two months they just seemed to stop.  And I was able to fool myself that I was dealing and moveing on just like my older sisters. Then 2 weeks ago the nite mares came back with a vengence.  Everytime I closed my eys I was back there. And I couldn't do it any more to the point that in the last 2 weeks I have had maybe 3 hours sleep.  I am so terrified to go to sleep because I can't go back there again.  I just can't.  And the closer christmas gets the worse the terror.
I am the youngest of 4 kids but there is only 3 of us left.  I was the closest to my dad.  My sisters have gone on with their lives to the point that they seem to have gone their seperate ways.  So as i have no parents left it feels like I have no family at all left.  My roommate and her family have taken me under their wing and into their family and hearts and that helps some but it's not the same really.
Well now I'm rambleing and I apoligize for that.  I hope I have made sense as right now my thoughts and everything else are so out of sorts that I cab't remember what I did 5 minutes ago. Any way thank you for listening and thank you for this wonderful site.

chris

2
Main / So Lost
« on: August 26, 2010, 05:33:04 PM »
These last three days have been really bad for flashbacks and an over abundance of emotions.  Sunday I have to go with my sisters and go through my dad's belongings.  I don't want to.  It has been hard enough trying to realize that I can't call him any more when I need advice or am upset and hear him say it's ok baby I'm here.  But going through his things seems so final.  And I'm just not ready for that yet.  I know it has to be done but I'm not sure I can do it.  I am so worn out from these last three days.  You don't realize how tireing emotions can be.
chris

3
Main / Here I Go Again
« on: July 21, 2010, 04:26:45 PM »
Hey guys it's been awhile since i was last here but death is rearing it's ugly head again in my life.  My dad is dieing from cancer.  He was diagnoised 2 months ago and is fadeing fast.  I am the youngest in my family and have two sisters who just don't get it.  He is the last parent I have left.  I am at a loss and just don't know what to do any more. 
chris

4
Main / does it ever get any easier??????????????
« on: November 29, 2009, 06:27:07 PM »
Christmas will soon be upon us.  It will be my second without my step mom.  And it still hurts so bad.  She would get squirlly at christmas.  It made it fun to watch a 60 year all woman get so excited she couldn't sleep.She was worse then the kids. lol.
She was a big kid at heart.  My heart aches so bad.  Will it ever end??????
chris

5
Main / one year anniversary comeing up
« on: October 13, 2009, 12:47:15 PM »
This Friday makes it one year my step mom passed away.  I honestly didn't think it would hurt this bad.  I still miss her so bad.  Just the other day I caught myself picking up the phone to call her.  And on top of it all my dad is acting strange, not himself.  He will yell at you for no reason but hethinks there is or he comes up with stuff where you just there and go HUH?????  I know he is griveing in his own way but I am worried he is loseing it.  Well thank you for listening.  I will probably be around for awhile as it all feels so fresh like it all happened yesterday.  Thank you all again for being here.

6
Main / chat room
« on: February 18, 2009, 11:15:14 AM »
if anyone is interested i'm in chat right now and will be for awhile.  so if you want some company come on over

7
Main / does it ever end???
« on: February 18, 2009, 08:35:40 AM »
The last two days are finally over.  But it doesn't feel any better.  Late last nite I pored a drink and then sat here and stared at it telling myself why I needed it and why I didn't.  The reasons why I wanted it quickly out weighed the why nots.  I sat like that for a couple of hours and then I poured it out.
The pain is so bad.  I realized just how bad I really still miss my moms.  Even after 22 years.  I've decided that it never gets any better and if this is as good as it gets why am I even bothering.  I just want to be with them so badly.   I don't want to hurt any more.  I want them back.  Why did I have to lose both my moms at such young ages?  Am I not entitled to still have their love and wisdom avaiable to me?  Do the gods of fate think it's funny? 
I'm sorry guys I'm still haveing a few bad days.  I just don't know if I can do this any more.

8
Main / I just want to hide for the next two days
« on: February 16, 2009, 12:56:49 PM »
Today is the 4 month anniversary dor my stepmom which on it's own is hard enough but on top of that tomorrow is the 22 yr anniversary of my mom.  One or the other is bad enough but the two together is just to much.
I feel like somebody ripped my heart out of my chest.  I miss them both so much and now i'm haveing to grieve for the pair of them and it is impossiable to do.  The pain is just to much.  I just don't know how to do it.
And to be honest I don't know that I want to.  I've tried but I just can't any more.  All I really want right now is a stiff drink even though I know what could happen if I do.  People say it will get better well it's been 22 years and the pain has not gottan any less or better.  In all honesty the only time I didn't feel any pain was the year I was drunk.
I'm sorry for going on guys because i really am just rambleing but I'm so confused and hurting and mixed up and sad and like i said last time i feel like i failed them both some how.  It's days like these where i rerally wonder why it was them taken and not me for they were far better people then i am or ever will be.
Well guys again I'm sorry for going on so but I had to do something.

9
Main / anniversaries suck
« on: February 12, 2009, 04:12:28 PM »
This Monday and Tuesday are not going to be good days.  Monday makes it four months for mom2 and Tuesday makes it 22years for mom1.  And they both feel like they happened just yesterday.  I have so many regrets where mom1 is concerned. So many things I'm so sorry for.  Things I didn't do or say.  Why after all this time do I still feel this way?

10
Main / It's been a while
« on: February 04, 2009, 12:14:06 PM »
Hey Guys:
    I haven't forgot you guys or this site.  Especially since it has been a big help and I've made some good friends.  Thought for awhile that I was getting the hang of things and was working really hard to improve my life and live as I know both my mom's would want me to.  I was doing pretty good to. Takeingthe good with the bad and all that.  And then WHAM.  I run into that damn wall.  Who put that there anyway?  ???
     I've been trying to get into see a counselor without haveing to deal with the local mental health center as I had a bad experience with them the last time I tried to seek help.  Anyway thought I found the perfect place and felt pretty good after I spoke to the first person.  Then for about a month I heard nothing then got another call from a different person.  Who when they spoke to me didn't even have my file in front of them
     So I went through it all again for the second time.  They said they would get back to me.  Some more time passed and another phone call....again she couldn't be bothered to have my file so once again through it all I went.  Another promise to get back to me.
    More time, another call....and again no file.....this time she suggested I get in touch with the local mental health and again I told her why I would not do that.... and once more another promise to get back to me.
     The other day this severly chalenged person got back to me telling me they had someone to see me but when I couldn't take the appointment because of my support group meeting she told me because of my mental illness(chronic depression)  I should really see the local mental health.  It took everything I had not to scream at her.
   So here I sit...wondering if I'm wrong in trying to get help or even trying to get better.  I am so down.  I feel like I've taken about a hundred or more steps backward and have wasted everyone's time.  I don't know if I can crawl out of this hole I've fallen into.  It took so much out of me the last time.  I just don't have the strentgh to do it again.
     I thought councelors were suppose to make you feel better not worse or worthless.  Why is everyone trying to pawn me off on someone else?  I am so confused.  I've spent most of the last week either in bed or stareing at this screen.
     I'm sorry this is so long.  I thought maybe by finaly putting it all down I might figure something out.  Thanks for letting me ramble.
                      dragonlady chris

11
Main / new poem
« on: January 05, 2009, 10:39:31 AM »
The following poem is one of my own.  It reflecks my new attitude for 2009.

                         The Old And The New
    The old year is ready to pass
    And the new is about to be born
    I take a moment to look back
    On 365 many memories
    Some good, some bad, and many sad
    I sit and mourn those to who I had to say good-bye
    And I wonder how many more in the New Year
    But in hounor of those I need to continue
    My life trek awaits
    And those who have gone beyound
    Cheer me on as they watch each step
    Few I will falter
    Few I will conqur
    Few I will accept
    Many will make me stronger
    Many will help me grow
    Forward and onward
    As the New Year calls
    More life adventures
    Await my every step
    To new life and a new year
    I say welcome.
                              by: Chris S.....dragonlady2865

   I hope you all like it and I hope it may encourage some to have hope.

12
Main / Christmas eve
« on: December 24, 2008, 08:58:15 AM »
It's only 11 am and already this day has been to long.  And my family hasn't even arrived yet.  If I could stop them I would.  This just isn't christmas without mom2.  I'm trying to stay strong for the little guy but it is so hard.  I don't want to do this.  I can't do this.  I  just want it to be over.

13
Main / sad day
« on: November 16, 2008, 06:43:03 AM »
   Where to begin.  I know that everyone who reads this knows exactly how I feel.  But today I feel very lonely and feel like I'm the only one.  I can't believe mom2 has been gone an entire month.  I'm still haveing a hrd time even believeing she's gone at all.
    I woke up this morning without a care in the world and then I saw the date and it felt like someone had driven a knife through my chest.  I couldn't even breath for a few seconds it hurt so bad.
    I feel so lost.  and it really sucks because when I used to feel upset or something was wrong mom2 was the one who I would call.  I want her back so bad.  I used to believe in god even after all my other losses but not any more.  Because if there was a true loveing god he wouldn't allow all this hurt.
    I'm sorry I don't mean to put down or insult anyone's beliefs but for me right now that's how I feel.  Well folks thanks for listening.  I think I'm gonna go and crawl under a rock for the day.

14
Main / one month
« on: November 12, 2008, 08:13:13 PM »
Sunday will be one month since mom2 has been gone.  It seems like yesterday.  And here I sit at first thinking I wasn't doing to bad and then about four days ago this heavy weight settled on my shoulders and a fog was thrown over my mind.  I haven't wanted to go out.  I've been told that the last month is finnaly sinking in and the best thing i could do is talk.
I just want to pull the blankets over my head and forget the world even exists.  I'm just so numb....everythings a fight just to get it done.  I have this fear everytime the phone rings that it's bad news someone else is gone.  Just to get out of bed has been a real battle that I seem to lose more then win. 
Anyway guys it's not like I'm telling you something you don't already know.  It's all new to me. Yes I have suffered many losses but I've never grieved for any of them.  Now I've got it ten fold it seems.  Thanks for listening guys.

15
Main / Today marks Thirteen years
« on: November 04, 2008, 09:43:44 AM »
Thirteen years ago today I sat at  my big brother's bedside and watched him take his last breath.  Even though I knew he was no longer suffering and he was out of pain but as I gave him one last kiss good bye I still asked why.? 
Today is twice as hard as usaul as mom2 and I would spend quite some time on the phone remebering him and all the good and funny times.  As I got up this morning I thought I have to call mom2 soon. As I was makeing my coffee it hit me all of a sudden....she is no longer here to call.  Maybe it makes me greedy but I want them back or I want to be with them.  This pain is to hard to deal with.  Oh to be numb even for awhile.

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