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Topics - laurenE

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1
Main / My sweet gpa has died
« on: August 06, 2013, 12:10:27 PM »
So thankful that I have had 11yrs after mom died to spend visiting my gpa on a regular basis.  The poor man developed alzheimers after gma died 10yrs ago,  but was always friendly and welcoming when I would visit him. 

My last visit with him was just a few weeks ago.  I fed him.  he was in such a good mood. 

I love that sweet man.  Im gonna miss him so.

So gpa died in Aug and so did mom, 11yrs apart.  So far my moms brother has been very kind in letting me know details of funeral, viewing this week.  Hoping things will go well when I arrive at the funeral home.  Time will tell.

lauren E

2
Main / same story
« on: November 12, 2012, 06:14:40 PM »
Its the same story,  different situation.  My grandfather is dying. He is my only family contact.  Once he is gone sometime this week,  if he hasn't already died,  my entire connection to my family will be gone.  I'm not sure how I will handle that.  It boggles the mind and overwhelms me.   How is one supposed to handle that? On the one hand there will be freedom.  Freedom from the family dysfunction and control.
You see,  as long as gpa was alive,  I  could not tell my story, my family secret,  the truth.  If I  did,   my aunt, who is POA would take away my right to visit gpa in the asst living.  Control.   But now that he is almost gone,   they can't take anything from me b/c  I've already lost it all....my entire family, including the little sister that I raised,  family tradition /holidays with them,   childhood connections,   all gone.  

He was there from the very beginning of time for me.  I was the oldest grandchild.   He knew my father.  No one in my current life knew my father.  He died when I was 12.    So with gpa dying goes my connection to my father.   And to my mother,  since he is her father.    When I looked in his face I saw my mother.  When I visited my gpa,  I would see family pictures of current cousins and thier kids,  or  old pictures from the past.   Sometimes I loved that,  and needed it.   And sometimes I hated it for the same reason,  b/c it brought up memories.  Painful memories .  and  Pleasant ones long gone.  


I knew this day would come.   But I always prayed the family would give me this one last request before they sent me down the river forever:  to allow me to attend his funeral. How can people be so cruel?  I  didnt do anything wrong.  I was just a child when it all happened.  I didnt ask for this nor have I ever deserved it.   I will never understand how people can be so cruel,  and so blind.

I pray he , my uncle, gets caught some day soon.   Its been 25yrs.  Surely he will get caught some day.   There is a verse in the bible that comforts me.   Pslam 21:11 "though they plot evil against you and devise wicked schemes, they can not succeed.  for you will make them turn their backs when you aim at them with drawn bow."  
God in his time will not let them get away with this.  


gma died 9 yrs ago,  my mother 10,  my father 33,.   and now, the last of the mohicans will soon be gone.  

I'm not asking for a response.  I just needed a place to journal.







3
Main / The interesting turns of life and death
« on: September 13, 2012, 09:48:08 AM »
Over 10 yrs later and I find myself in the oddest of places in my life.  How did I  get here I have asked many times?  The answer I believe lies in the will of God. 
 
It was 10yrs ago in Aug when I found myself here for the first time,  after the sudden death of my mother, with all of its agonizing pain and dysfunctional family issues.  Writing here saved me, pulling me out of and through the sticky black muck we call grief.
Those friends who were faithful and loyal here were a beacon of light in the midst of my darkest years.  At one point I did not know how I would pull through this.  But eventually I was able to rise above it and started to give back by becoming the moderator here on webhealing.   It was then life took an interesting turn.
 
Three, or was it four years ago, as a moderator,  I answered a post from a dear one in the northern midwest area who had just tragically lost her son in an accident.  This precious one had the strength, courage, and compassion to donate her son's organs so that others might live.  I thanked her for this,  as that very same week,  hundreds of miles away,  my bosses husband was saved by the donation of a new liver.   And I was there to witness the transformation. 
 
It was a typical summer day in July.  My boss and coworkers were at  lunch when she got the call from Indpls that there was a liver available for her husband,  who only had days or short weeks to live.  It is difficult to describe how we felt that day.. Excitement at a new chance for life.  Fear that he would not survive the surgery.  Grief for this one who died and for the family who is left behind to carry on.   It is during these times when its normal to ask  "why not him/her,  and why us?".   I can assure you these thoughts ran through all of our minds often.
 
To Indy they went,  where the surgery went well and new life was given.  Soon he returned home here where he could recover and gain his strength back.   Meanwhile back at webhealing, to this dear woman who lost her son.
 
She posted regularly about this son of hers.  How the funeral went.  How much she missed him , dazed as she was of course.  How she said goodbye before he was moved into the surgery room to harvest his organs.
 
Many times I was able to share with her my story of how I had recently witnessed my bosses amazing surgery and  his new hope for life.  Little by little,  week by week we exchanged tidbits of details of our experiences.  "where did you say his accident took place?  I asked one day.   A few days later,  "Where was his surgery?"    and then the pieces started to fit.    Her Patrick was my bosses husbands donor!  What are the odds?!
 
So we exchanged emails where she would share more info about what she knew,  and I would share what I knew.  Meanwhile,  back at work ,  my boss would mention here and there the comments that the hospital staff made: "those darn cars hitting motorcylces"  one nurse said.  "He was barely 20",  said another. 
 
 Both my boss and this new webhealing friend were wanting /needing to know who their donor/ recipient was. My boss would often cry out of gratitude for this stranger and for their grief.
 
Little did my boss know what I knew .  I wanted to be sure I put all the pieces together before I said anything to them.   But the pieces were fitting quite nicely! At one point my new webhealing friend said that the only thing she was told is that the recipient lived in Indiana and was into cars. (due to HIPPA laws donor and recipient name or info can NOT be shared with families).  But  at this point we were 100% sure that her Patrick had just saved my bosses husbands life!  Two complete strangers meeting on webhealing in this unique and special way.  I am convinced it was a God thing.
 
Bosses husband came to our office one day,  just a few short weeks after the surgery.  By then I had informed my boss of what I knew.  She knew that her husband wanted and needed to know who his donor was,  for his own emotional healing of all of this.  And so she gave me permission to tell him!    By then I had a picture of Patrick.  So that day I took my bosses husband in a conference room and shared the news and the picture. 
 
You can pretty well guess what happened that day as I told him my story. Yep.  I cried,  bosses husband and his wife sobbed together,  and then the whole office cried right along with us as he held Patricks picture in his hands. How heart broken we all were for this Patrick  and for his precious mother who had chosen to donate.
 
A year and countless emails later,  I met Patricks mom.  The next year she was ready to meet Patricks  liver recipient,  my bosses husband.  So she high tailed it to Indiana and to my house,  where we all spent the weekend together,  talking, crying,  laughing, shopping, and developing an even more special friendship. 
 
This past February I found myself in need of more work hours.  So I randomly applied for a 2nd part time job, for anything and everything on these computer sights where the job descriptions are as vague as a cryptic code.  Twelved weeks later  I got a call for an interview.  By then the panic of needing more money had calmed down,  and I had completely forgotten that I had applied online. 
 
As I went to this interview I  still had NO IDEA what I had applied for.  All I knew is that I was sort of qualified from what I could tell on the computer sight.   During the interview, where I pulled off my ignorance quite nicely I might add,   I discoverd that I was sitting in  an interview for a TRANSPLANT  social worker!  I laughed when I found out,  and remember literally looking up and thinking  "God,  you DO have a sense of humor and a plan for me don't you?".
After a 2nd very intense interview,  I was hired (but you knew that was coming, didn't you?).   
 
So now for the past several months,  I find myself doing evaluations for those who need a transplant.   And I find myself KNOWING for sure how I got here .   It is only the hand of God who could have coordinated the events of the past four years, to prepare me for this job he had planned for me all along.
 
Oftentimes throughtout the process of putting the pieces together,  and then having the two of them meet,   I remember thanking God, ever so humbled,  that He chose ME of all people in this world,  to bring them together.   It has been a very important and dare I say necessary aspect for them  for some of their healing.
 
As for this humbled and grateful soul,  I can now use this experience to see both sides of the  transplant process,  and to encourage the recipients to write to their donor through the tranplant org  .   And even more importantly,  I can use my story to give hope to others that  God is still there, even in the midst of pain and darkness,  and that He IS working things out with a plan and a purpose.   IN HIS TIME.   not ours.
 
God bless each one of you here.  Take it from me, the one who thougth the death of her mother would kill her,   it does get easier.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel. 
 
LaurenE
 
 

 
   
 

4
Parent Loss / Funny how life goes
« on: September 13, 2012, 09:41:00 AM »
 Over 10 yrs later and I find myself in the oddest of places in my life.  How did I  get here I have asked many times?  The answer I believe lies in the will of God.  

It was 10yrs ago in Aug when I found myself here for the first time,  after the sudden death of my mother, with all of its agonizing pain and dysfunctional family issues.  Writing here saved me, pulling me out of and through the sticky black muck we call grief.
Those friends who were faithful and loyal here were a beacon of light in the midst of my darkest years.  At one point I did not know how I would pull through this.  But eventually I was able to rise above it and started to give back by becoming the moderator here on webhealing.   It was then life took an interesting turn.

Three, or was it four years ago, as a moderator,  I answered a post from a dear one in the northern midwest area who had just tragically lost her son in an accident.  This precious one had the strength, courage, and compassion to donate her son's organs so that others might live.  I thanked her for this,  as that very same week,  hundreds of miles away,  my bosses husband was saved by the donation of a new liver.   And I was there to witness the transformation.  

It was a typical summer day in July.  My boss and coworkers were at  lunch when she got the call from Indpls that there was a liver available for her husband,  who only had days or short weeks to live.  It is difficult to describe how we felt that day.. excitement at a new chance for life.  Fear that he would not survive the surgery.  Grief for this one who died and for the family who is left behind to carry on.   It is during these times when its normal to ask  "why not him/her,  and why us?".   I can assure you these thoughts ran through all of our minds often.

To Indy they went,  where the surgery went well and new life was given.  Soon he returned home here where he could recover and gain his strength back.   Meanwhile back at webhealing, to this dear woman who lost her son.

She posted regularly about this son of hers.  How the funeral went.  How much she missed him , dazed as she was of course.  How she said goodbye before he was moved into the surgery room to harvest his organs.

Many times I was able to share with her my story of how I had recently witnessed my bosses amazing surgery and  his new hope for life.  Little by little,  week by week we exchanged tidbits of details of our experiences.  "where did you say his accident took place?  I asked one day.   A few days later,  "Where was his surgery?"    and then the pieces started to fit.    Her Patrick was my bosses husbands donor!  What are the odds?!

So we exchanged emails where she would share more info about what she knew,  and I would share what I knew.  Meanwhile,  back at work ,  my boss would mention here and there the comments that the hospital staff made: "those darn cars hitting motorcylces"  one nurse said.  "He was barely 20",  said another.  

 Both my boss and this new webhealing friend were wanting /needing to know who their donor/ recipient was. My boss would often cry out of gratitude for this stranger and for their grief.

Little did my boss know what I knew .  I wanted to be sure I put all the pieces together before I said anything to them.   But the pieces were fitting quite nicely! At one point my new webhealing friend said that the only thing she was told is that the recipient lived in Indiana and was into cars. (due to HIPPA laws donor and recipient name or info can not  be shared with families).  But  at this point we were 100% sure that her Patrick had just saved my bosses husbands life!  Two complete strangers meeting on webhealing in this unique and special way.  I am convinced it was a God thing.

Bosses husband came to our office one day,  just a few short weeks after the surgery.  By then I had informed my boss of what I knew.  She knew that her husband wanted and needed to know who his donor was,  for his own emotional healing of all of this.  And so she gave me permission to tell him!    By then I had a picture of Patrick.  So that day I took my bosses husband in a conference room and shared the news and the picture.  

You can pretty well guess what happened that day as I told him my story. Yep.  I cried,  bosses husband and his wife sobbed together,  and then the whole office cried right along with us as he held Patricks picture in his hands. How heart broken we all were for this Patrick  and for his precious mother who had chosen to donate.

A year and countless emails later,  I met Patricks mom.  The next year she was ready to meet Patricks  liver recipient,  my bosses husband.  So she high tailed it to Indiana and to my house,  where we all spent the weekend together,  talking, crying,  laughing, shopping, and developing an even more special friendship.  

This past February I found myself in need of more work hours.  So I randomly applied for a 2nd part time job, for anything and everything on these computer sights where the job descriptions are as vague as a cryptic code.  Twelved weeks later  I got a call for an interview.  By then the panic of needing more money had calmed down,  and I had completely forgotten that I had applied online.  

As I went to this interview I  still had NO IDEA what I had applied for.  All I knew is that I was sort of qualified from what I could tell on the computer sight.   During the interview, where I pulled off my ignorance quite nicely I might add,   I discoverd that I was sitting in  an interview for a TRANSPLANT  social worker!  I laughed when I found out,  and remember literally looking up and thinking  "God,  you DO have a sense of humor and a plan for me don't you?".
After a 2nd very intense interview,  I was hired (but you knew that was coming, didn't you?).    

So now for the past several months,  I find myself doing evaluations for those who need a transplant.   And I find myself KNOWING for sure how I got here .   It is only the hand of God who could have coordinated the events of the past four years, to prepare me for this job he had planned for me all along.

Oftentimes throughtout the process of putting the pieces together,  and then having the two of them meet,   I remember thanking God, ever so humbled,  that He chose ME of all people in this world,  to bring them together.   It has been a very important and dare I say necessary aspect for them  for some of their healing.

As for this humbled and grateful soul,  I can now use this experience to see both sides of the  transplant process,  and to encourage the recipients to write to their donor through the tranplant org  .   And even more importantly,  I can use my story to give hope to others that  God is still there, even in the midst of pain and darkness,  and that He IS working things out with a plan and a purpose.   IN HIS TIME.   not ours.

God bless each one of you here.  Take it from me, the one who thougth the death of her mother would kill her,   it does get easier.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  

LaurenE
 



5
Main / Movie about life and death
« on: September 12, 2012, 05:49:57 AM »
For those of you who donated your loved ones organs,   this movie is for you.  It is a story about adult twins who both needed double lung transplants.  It not only shows how much they appreciate their donors  but also how grateful they are daily for them and how they honor them regularly in all that they do.   It does not shove down peoples throats that they  need to donate,  its just someone's story of death,  and new life.
 
I had the pleasure of meeting one of them at a conference where she spoke and showed her movie.   Check it out.  You will be moved.  She also has a book of the same title.     ThePowerofTwoMovie.com

The books is called The Power of Two. by Anabel abd Isabel Stenzel

LaurenE

6
Main / End of Life decisions
« on: June 19, 2012, 06:03:26 AM »
My husbands dear great aunt fell 3 weeks ago, and fractured her pelvic bone.  Up to that point she was the most happy active 94 yr old,  you would ever meet.  She could walk,  talk,  and had a better memory than I do at 45.   She participated in Wii fit and worked in the library at her asst living place.  She also visited the sick, which is where she was headed when she died,  to visit a friend who only had hours later.  She got there just in time, literally.

So now she has fallen and has lost her appetite.  She is in alot of pain so they are giving her pain meds.  The family has chosen not to put in a feeding tube and I struggle with that,  yet keep my mouth shut b/c its not for me to decide.  It was just a simple fall.  How could they let her starve?   She eats tiny bites and then throws them up.  Isnt this the pain meds doing this since she is taking them on an empty stomach?!!   

Oh how I struggle with thier decision.  I think of her when I  go to bed, and when I roll over in the middle of the night.  I think of her during the day as well.   And yes, this has triggered dreams of my mother  again, who died almost 10yrs ago.

If I fall and my internal organs are fine and my brain is amazing,  please feed me! ok, I seriously doubt I would turn away any food.  lol.     But if there is nothing wrong with me other than a small fracture,   do everything you can to prolong my life!   It seems cold  and cruel for the family to let her lay there and die. 

And yes,  my faith is strong and I do believe our time is already written in HIS book,  but when it feels like we still have control over the situation (to feed or not to feed),  then its hard to just sit back and NOT do it.  ya know?

My 91 yr old grandfather is in late stages alzheimers.  When he stops eating (appetitie and weight have decreased since Feb so its happening),  I will accept this and will be ok if they chose not to insert a feeding tube. In fact,  inserting a feeding tube would not be better for his health and would only create more problems.   His mind is gone.   There is such a thing as quality of life.  and he is dying a natural death.   I accept that.   But for dear sweet aunt P... How I hurt for her.

Has anyone else been through this?

On a different note,  good things are happening in my life and I see God's hand in it all.  But I guess I'm just not ready to let her go.

laurenE

7
Main / My boss died
« on: April 07, 2012, 03:17:45 AM »
Here I am finding myself back here, unfortunately,  but expectedly I suppose.  Yesterday my boss died.  Although I didnt know he was in the hosp,  I knew his days were numbered so it wasn't too big of a surprise.  He had melanoma which had spread to his brain, lungs, and lumph nodes.  I knew in 6mos he would be gone.  April made 6mos.

He was fine on Monday & Tues  looking like he felt better than ever,  working, laughing, and looking great.  On Wed he went in for routine tests.  On Thur they discovered his brain tumors had multiplied.  On Friday they opened him up but closed him back up immediately and gave him 3 days.  He died an hour later.

Even though I am sad and can;t sleep,  it still isn't anything like the death of my mother almost 10yrs ago.  It doesn't even register or compare to that one.  But still,  heart is heavy this weekend and remembering my grandmother who also died in April just 9 yrs ago.  It will be sad to see his  office which will feel empty without him. 

please keep the office and family in your prayers.  They transferred ownership over to his son last week,  (just in time) so now he is going thru hard core grief and trying to own a business.  This will be tough on him. 

thanks for listening once again.

laurenE

8
Main / 9 yrs ago today
« on: August 14, 2011, 06:51:04 AM »
remembering my mom who died 9 yrs ago.  Thanking God for this websight and the friends that I made on here,  who got me through the roughest 2+ yrs of my life.   I remember each one of you by "name"  and always will.

I will say this...all though you never forget them,  there is tremendous relief and healing from the intense pain,  as the years and tears go on. 

9
Child Loss / Thinking of you Barbara and Patrick this weekend
« on: June 30, 2011, 10:44:20 AM »
Barbara,

Thinking of you as today is the 2 yr anniv of the accident,  and tomorrow the 2 yr anniversary of Patricks official death. 
Take good care of yourself.


lauren

10
Main / multiple sudden loss
« on: September 28, 2010, 06:07:47 AM »
Please keep one of my school famlies in your thoughts today.     The mother was killed in a car accident yesterday afteroon.   One young child is not expected to make it either (3 yr old).   The other young child was injured but released (2 yr old).   There are 2 more middle school children and an elementary child who just lost thier mother and possible sibling.  A husband's life was just torn apart.

thanks

11
Child Loss / Happy 25th Patrick!
« on: September 01, 2010, 08:12:47 AM »
Happy Birthday to you!   May there be a huge birthday party in heaven for you today!  My favorite aunt makes great fudge so check with her up there on some fudge.  My gma makes awesome dinner rolls and pies,  so check in with her on that. ..  hey,  you could just have a progressive dinner up there with just my family members alone!  Good ole southern food !!

Thinking of you today Barbara and sending you hugs.

lauren

12
Main / young loss
« on: July 14, 2010, 01:22:25 PM »
Last night one of my 8th grade students  completed suicide.  She was only 14.   She hung herself after her boyfriend broke up with her.   

Please pray for her family in their sudden and tragic loss.   

Please also pray for the boyfriend who was also 14.  He doesn't deserve this.  I worry that he will also try suicide.  He is blaming himself, and so is some of the other students.

 Both of them are  typical happy go lucky sweet innocent kids. She just became overwhelmed and impulsive.   

My heart is aching for both of them today.

lauren

13
Grief not related to deaths / Loosing my job and my co worker family
« on: March 31, 2010, 05:16:34 AM »
After 10 yrs I am loosing my job, the job that I love,  due to  major lay offs.  The people that I work with are my family.    For once I had a "family" that was all mine.  Not my husbands family, which I get so sick of our lives focusing around.  Not "our friends"  but all mine.   (I am estranged from my biological family thanks to a perverted uncle who convinced everyone that he was inocent and I was the liar).  So these people were mine.  And I will miss them terribly.   Yes we will keep in touch but the daily contact wont be the same.

I dont know what the future holds.   My self esteem and my dreams for us are affected by my lack of contributing to the household.  I feel worthless. 

I have 6 more weeks of working there ,  til the end of the school year.  It will be a difficult 6 weeks.  Bittersweet.

14
Main / 31 yrs
« on: February 17, 2010, 05:36:25 PM »
Remembering my dad who died 31 yrs ago tonight.

love you dad!

15
Main / Thanksgiving
« on: November 26, 2009, 06:11:38 AM »
Thinking of you all this Thanksgiving,  and praying you will find support and warm memories to help make this day bearable.

love,
laurenE

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