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Topics - nutzybirdlady

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Sibling Loss / When does it Stop!
« on: November 28, 2011, 03:54:14 PM »
When does the hurt stop??? I just can't seem to focus on anything, I have no energy to do anything, I don't even want to interact with my family. Why does losing someone have to hurt so bad??? I just wish I knew!  When will the tears stop, I cry at the drop of a hat, I can't seem to make them stop! I have no control over these emotions. It's all so confusing and fustrating all at the same time. I wish I could make sense of myself.

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Sibling Loss / Hello! I'm New Here
« on: November 23, 2011, 06:59:20 AM »
Hello Everyone,
 I just lost my Sister {Pam} three weeks ago today, to Cancer, she was only 57 years old. We were very close, like Sister's should be, even though there was nearly 9 years difference in our ages, none the less we were close. Pam fought against this disease for just a little over 11 years. I've watched her up's and her down's trying to fight with all her might, against an unseen foe. My Sister was an amazing woman. She had that kind of persona that lit up a room, no matter where she was at. She never knew an enemy, she loved everyone she met, she never said an unkind word to anyone. I always wanted to be just like her when I grew up, and I always told her that very same thing. Pam was the kind of person, that no matter how bad she was feeling, she always made you feel like you were the most important person in the room. She was good at not telling us {her Family} what was truly going on with her. She never wanted anyone to worry about her, but of course we all did. This past May, Pam's health began to decline. She wasn't able to keep anything down. Over the months, she began losing weight, and not just a little, a lot! I knew then, that we wouldn't have her with us much longer, and as the months dragged on, and her weight dropped, it was pure agony watching her go through this. I jumped out of my skin, every time the telephone rang! I just knew it would be a family memeber telling me she had passed. But, the agonizing months dragged on, and she became more thin and more frail with each passing week. My heart began falling apart, piece by piece, with each week that went on. The last month of her life, Hospice was called in. I stayed with her for several days, then my Parents came to stay with her. We all took turns caring for her. On Halloween, I came down with a cold, so I called Pam, to let her know I wouldn't be coming up that week, I didn't want her to get sick from my cold. Her response was so strange, she sounded so disappointed. I'd never heard her sound like that. On Tuesday morning, I got a call from my Dad. He said that Hospice has given Pam about a day and a half to live. Of course I dropped everything, grabbed my little family and drove two and a half hours to be with Pam, sick or not, I knew I had to be there! Watching her those last 24 hours, was the hardest thing I ever had to do! It was horrific! Seeing a beautiful and vibrant woman's life slip away, moment by moment! I had prayed for months on end, that God would let me be the one to be holding her hand when he came to take her home, and I never thought in my wildest dreams that it would ever come true, but.... it did! It was the most beautiful thing in the whole world! I sat by her bedside, held her hand, caressed and kissed her hand, and like a gentle whisper, she took her last breath! Her suffering was over, and mine began! I haven't allowed myself the time to mourn her. I keep telling myself, I've got to stay strong for the family, and not break down! But it's eating me up inside!!! I don't know where to go, or what to do, I'm so confused, and hurt, and feel so alone. Yes, I have family that I can talk to, but they are hurting just as much as I am, so there's no help or comfort there. I just don't know where to turn!

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