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Topics - lostwithouthim

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Sibling Loss / Still new to grief
« on: May 31, 2008, 09:22:36 PM »
I haven't read each and every post on here. I have read several.
It seems like in my family, I am the only one who really wants to talk about my brother.

I can't help it. I am 33 years old and he was 39. All my life I had an older brother. When I was born and came into this world. I already had a pre-made big brother. From the get go he was a part of my life. Now he is gone.

I feel like if I don't talk about him. I will forget something. I don't want to forget anything about him.

He was real, he was somebody. I sometimes feel like everyone thinks I was only his sister , so I shouldn't hurt or be bothered by his passing. I wasn't his mother daughter or wife, so why should it bother me.

Does anyone else undertsand feeling like that?

Child Loss / HELP
« on: May 30, 2008, 01:59:59 PM »
This is for my mom. My brother just passed in Feb. 08 .
I want to help mom. I love her and I don't like the hurt she is dealing with.I really want to help her but she is so angry. I know about anger I have my own issues. But anytime I try to help its never right. No matter what it is its not right and she don't hold back.
I know this is all related to my brother's death.

How do I help her when she takes everything out on myself, dad and sister.

Main / How Do I Deal With All This??
« on: May 25, 2008, 02:40:12 PM »
In October 07. I had a very bad car wreck. Both of my children were airlifted out. My oldest son had to have part of his brain removed. He wasn't expected to live. He did, he is a different person now. I love him just as much. My youngest son was only 2 at the time. As I said both boys were airlifted out. I saw my children at the wreck. I went into shock. The police questioned me about the wreck while in shock. They believed the boy who hit me. ( small town politics ok) I have heard it is against the law to question a person in shock. ( yes , I have a lawyer) Even in shock I went to my kids. I got my baby out of the car and was holding him. I was trying to comfort my oldest. I don't remember holding my baby or sitting by the road screaming, crying and rocking him. I remember seeing my oldest and the  gash on his head and something protruding out of it. I had no idea it was his brain. Now I do and I do remember that.

I do not understand why I went into shock. I was told by a therapist it was my brain's way of preserving my sanity.  I feel like I abandoned my children when they needed me the most. At least thats the way my parents made me feel. My parent's make me feel like it was my fault the wreck happened. They said if I had walked to their home instead of drove it wouldn't have happened. They know the boy that hit me was speeding and on my side of the road. Still yet if I had of walked and not drove. My boys would not have the scars they have. My oldest would not have had to have part of his brain removed.

My big brother is the one constant pillar of strength and support , I had during that time. My brother was always there for me. No matter what life handed me . My brother was there for me. He never judged me.

Everyone thinks my car wreck should not still be affecting my life. Even though my oldest child had to have part of his brain removed. No one understands what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( I was diagnosed with it) is or maybe they do and just don't think its legit. I have a lot of anger and thats just one of the many emotions I have concerning that wreck and it handling.

My brother like I said was my strength and support. He never labeled me or judged me.

In Feb. of this year he died. Now I don't know how to deal with that. I don't have anyone to help me to deal with it. I wasn't his mom,his wife or child. So it seems like no one feels like I should feel the loss I do. Believe me I feel a loss. I should be able to pick up the phone and call him.

I still have all these feelings and anger. Concerning the wreck. I still have the nightmares. I can do certain things or be in a vehicle in between my home and my parent's home and memories/flashbacks will hit me. I have anxiety attacks. Now I have my big brother. I really do not know how to proceed in life.
Is there anyone out there in this crazy world who understands what I feel?
I know P.T.S.D. is real I have it. I also KNOW MY BIG BROTHER IS GONE AND HE ISN'T COMING BACK. I am angry and hurt and no one that I know in my personal life understands why I feel like this.


Sibling Loss / I lost my older brother 2-26-08
« on: May 25, 2008, 01:10:24 PM »

All of my life I have had my big brother. When I came into this world , I had a big brother. Now 33 years later , he is gone. No matter where we were physically. I could always pick up the phone and call him. Now I can't . My brother was my best friend. I never told him that. I didn't realize it, until I didn't have him anymore.I could and did talk to my brother about anything, everything. He never betrayed my trust. He never judged me. He was always honest with me and he was always there for me. I told him the morning he died , I loved him.Those were my last words to him as I was living his room. He said, I love you too sis.
 I always told him I loved him. My brother was in a vehicle accident in 04 that left him a paraplegic and in bad health. We all knew, he would die before the rest of us. ( More then likely) The Doctors first told us after his wreck happened that he would live probably 3-4 years. He had numerous close calls in those 4 years but he always pulled through.

The morning he died. None of us expected it. He had just come home from the hospital on the 19. ( My brother spent most of his last 4 years in a hospital. ) I had been to visit him and left him maybe 15 minutes before he died. That bothers me. I didn't know that was the morning he would leave us. Had I of known, I wouldn't have left him to die alone.
Since his death my entire family has fell apart. My mother is just mean and hateful. My dad bares the brunt of most of her anger and then me, I am next in line to her anger. I believe she hates almost every one except my brother's 2 sons. She could care less about the rest of her family.  I very rarely ever see my little sister. She doesn't talk about our brother that much. I suppose she is grieving in her own way.

This might make me sound crazy. (Oh well been there and done that before. ) I expect or maybe I just hope and want to have some kind of message from my brother. I don't need a confirmation he is ok. Because I know he is . We talked about death , God and Jesus quite often. He told me
many times, he was ready to go.He was at peace with it.  He knew he was going to Heaven. Matter of fact he told me that just a day or so before he died.

At his funeral my brother's best friend (who was also a preacher.) and mentor. Talked about the legacy Johnny left behind and all the love Johnny had in his heart for every one. My brother did leave behind a legacy of love. He was just a kind person.
I didn't know though that 2-3 weeks before he came home from the hospital. Johnny and Danny had prayed a special prayer. Johnny had told Danny he was tired of living like he was .He was just tired.
So Danny and he had prayed this simple prayer, " God if you're not going to heal him take him on home. God he is tired in mind and body.............."
Of course Danny was upset and hurt with Johnny's death. Danny said he asked God "Why did you take him . You could have healed him . I know you could have...."
He said the answer came back to him very quick and very clear. " But I did heal him, he is healed now."

Even without knowing of Johnny and Danny's prayer and Danny's questioning of God's motives and his answer. I would have still known my brother went to Heaven. No doubt about it.

So why I am still so hurt. Am I selfish? If I were in Heaven, I don't think I would want to come back here either. I wouldn't want my brother back hurting and suffering like he did before he died. Everyday it seemed was a new life threatening medical crisis. I feel like there is a part of me missing. I have this unique loneliness in me. I have the comfort of knowing my brother is in Heaven , when a lot of people who lose loved ones don't. Does anyone
know what I mean or understand how I feel? Am I selfish?

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