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Topics - Lisa Moody

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1
Main / Russell Boy's 21st month up above
« on: April 14, 2008, 12:49:20 PM »
Dear Lord,
How I miss my baby boy more than you can ever imagine
Please kiss and hug him for me as I try my best to live life without him
I don't know at time what to think and do
So far I made a big mess of my life and yet
I try I really do
It seems like things gets worst everyday instead of better
I am not happy and very sad inside my soul
I can't figure it out sometimes its good and sometimes its very bad

Oh, god my soul aches with heartbreak and sadness
My inner soul is so full with darkness that entangles my well being
It hurts so deep down inside that it makes me numb....

Please dear lord help my soul find the way to deal with all of this nightmare that now is part of me....

2
Main / End of the road
« on: April 01, 2008, 09:46:05 AM »
Where does the road ends
Do we fight ourselves and make ourselves believe that someday we can find peace?
What happens next we dig ourselves this great hole that keeps swallowing us whole
I changed not for the better but maybe the worst
I don't want to be kind at times and wished everyone around stop caring so much
Yet I cannot feel the love I use to feel or yet respect myself for who I was once before
End of the road I say is a never ending journey
I don't care how anyone thinks that this can happen
But I don't feel a thing
Why?  Can't I feel anything???
How can I try to pretend that I am okay with all that has happened???

My whole world is collapsing on me and yet I do nothing about it.
I let it happen. 
I choose to believe that everyday I live my life now is with pain and it never ends
I can pray, cry, talk and write but yet endless pain stays in embedded in my soul.

What am I doiing?  I can't understand myself sometimes
I think I am losing it and I am out of control.....

Is this the end of my road????
Am I setting myself up for complete failure for myself?
Confused and so much darkness has touch this once loving soul..........


3
Child Loss / Longing
« on: March 25, 2008, 10:19:47 PM »
We long to have peace in our hearts and soul and yet not have any come our way
No closure, no peace just keeps taunting my inner soul
And yet no regrets of ever missing my baby boy ever
We live day by day
Waiting for something of a bit of news ----nothing
Life what is life when it is detroyed into so many pieces that never can be replaced
Going crazy and insane missing him so much
What can we do?
Nothing my boy is gone and all I know is the heart felt soreness of ny heart and soul
I don't know who I am anymore
Don't know what will be coming out of any of this life I have now
Many times we all try very hard to be happy
Yet the inner soul stays in darkness and my world stops and nothing seems to go right in our lives
We have everything we ever wanted my children, a house, finances, etc.......
But yet I am robbed by this nightmare that forever lingers on in my life and never ends.......
What will become of myself I asked this question every single day.......
God is real ir is he???
Yes why do we suffer these trials?
Why can't this world live happy?
I don't know myself
Some of you believe that everything has a purpose but not me not anymore
I feel robbed as a mother
Nothng will change for the better but it just gets worst everyday
Missing Russell boy feeling the failure as a parent that no parent would ever want
Failure in his life of someone else making that decision for him
What can we do but try but fail too at times

Lisa
   

4
Main / My Life today
« on: March 05, 2008, 09:18:54 AM »
I came a long way to deal with the sorrow and grief that aches me,
And yet my heart won't heal
My life has been a roller coaster that just keeps on going backwards
I don't know what I have become
Yet not no my own self
But, I linger in this nightmare of missing my boy so much
I cried, I yelled and I got angry
But nothing will change that loss that I feel
What will become of me
I ask myself this daily
Yes we are strong
Yet our lives have yet not solved this mystery
Of death itself and where it can lead you
I try everyday to say today is a better day
But yet my inner soul is hurting I cannot be healed
I work everyday
And learned how to hide
myself from this world around me
If they only could see my inner sold
They would be afraid of what they would find
Way down deep inside my inner soul
Is cold and heartless
That darkness once touched and stayed there forever
I can't explain anymore on how I am feeling
But can tell you what is for today only
My life today is not what I wanted
nor what I should be accepting
But I have to live my life today with great sorrow inside of me
that never lets me go
Happiness is one thing I wish for myself and everyone around me
But my inner soul taunts me
I say this one thing
And one thing only
My life today is only what we make it
Whether you live it like your last
Or cope with things around you
thats what I can do and I can't
explain why.
My life today
As many of you know
Have certain changes that We cannot change
But it changes ourselves
Into someone we don't like
We all are hurting and yet try to help each other
But way down deep inside darkness lives in us longer.

5
Main / This Is Beautiful
« on: February 28, 2008, 03:32:58 PM »
 Why Women Cry
 A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm a
 woman,' she told him.

 'I don't understand,' he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And
 you never will.'

 Later the little boy asked his father, 'Why does mother seem to cry
 for no reason?'

 'All women cry for no reason,' was all his dad could say.

 The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

 Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,
 'God, why do women cry so easily?'

 God said: When I made the woman she had to be special.

 I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,

 yet gentle enough to give comfort I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children

 I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else
 gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue
 with out complaining.

 I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all
 circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

 I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and
 fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

 I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife,
 but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him
 unfalteringly.

 And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to
 use whenever it is needed.'

 'You see my son,' said God, 'the beauty of a woman is not in the
 clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

 The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the
 doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.'
 

6
Main / someone sent this to me wanted to share
« on: February 20, 2008, 08:55:06 AM »
Went to a party Mom...

(read all the way to the bottom and sign your name)

I went to a party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me
not to drink, Mom,
so I had a sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
that I didn't drink and drive,
though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right.
The party finally ended,
and the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece.
I never knew what was coming, Mom,
something I expected least.

Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
the kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the pa paramedic say,
this girl is going to die.

I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high.
Because he chose to drink and drive,
now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven,
put Mommy's Girl on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive

My breath is getting shorter,
Mom I'm getti n g really scared
These are my final moments,
and I'm so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, 'I love you, Mom!'
So I love you and g ood-by e.


MADD
1-800-GET-MADD (1-800-438-6233)

7
Main / Introducing ourselves -
« on: February 20, 2008, 08:43:05 AM »
Hi my name is Lisa Moody.
I was born and raised in Kauai Hawaii. I have 5 boys and one girl.  Four grandchildren, and one on the way. I am married still to my husband of 20 years.  I love to sing, play outdoor sports, crafting and coordinating events.  I am the mother of Russell Alan Moody Jr.  who passed on July 14, 2006.
My children grew up in Hawaii and also here in the states. My family is pretty close as one can be and very loving. My children -Tony 29, Rock-o 28, Brandon 27, Kalani 26, Russell Boy 24 & Tasha 21.  Russell Boy was the youngest of the boys.

I have been in this forum for about 19 months now and have met such wonderful, caring people.
I just wanted to introduce myself again and thank all of you for your comfort and support through these very difficult times we go through each day.

When our Russell Boy left us it was the hardest thing to face and still is. As my family have been always close with each other we have grown apart for sometime now in our own ways. Trying to forget or just simply afraid of loving each other so much.

I think the most difficult part of losing the one's you love is a hestitation of do we keep loving one another as we always do?  This has become a very real issue in my family.  We don't argue or hate each other we just simply lost this touch of closeness and loving that we once felt when Russell boy was still here.  We are working on it though....  It is very hard.

I spent all my life raising my children to the best of my ability as a Mom and my husband did the same.
It's even harder when you have other siblings that feel such loss also.  I am greatful I have my children.  Our severe lost of Russell Boy has taken a toll on everyone of us in many different ways.
As moms we are always worried about what our children are doing or worried about the bills etc....
One thing I can't fix is their hearts and that hurts the most.
When our children were little it was always said that us as parents will always be there for them through thick or thin times and yet help them heal and make things all better.
We are still fighting obstacles and still going through a lot of changes we have to adjust to.

Sometmes as a parent we feel helpless because there is not a darn thing that you can do to be happy like we were once before.
The lost of Russell boy we know will take time and patience.  But everyday is a new venture for all of us.

I just wanted to chat a little and let you all know that this forum has not just been somewhere to just vent or cry...

But a healing place for me to give me strength each day.  I have not been through any counseling every since Russell boy passed not even took medicated drugs or drink.  I have been sober all this time and facing this as openly as I can. I have been here writting and letting it all out loud.  I also have a journal of Russell boy which that helps me through some very tough times.

I wouldn't say this is easy because it is not.  I just want you all to know that no matter what stages or people can say how bad our grief is.  I always find comfort here in this forum and telling my family about all the wonderful people I met in this forum.  They love to hear about it.

Well I just wanted to share myself and my family.   

Aloha,
Lisa

8
Main / Missing you
« on: January 25, 2008, 11:45:21 AM »
Oh god....

I am trying so hard to be at least normal
But I miss my boy so much.......

Russell Boy you are missed for every single breath and step I make everyday
Today is just very overwhelming right now

I just want to hold you, talk to you....

Just missing you today my dear baby boy....

Been working around the clock to keep busy but sometimes...........

It is a nightmare to even have time to think

No time for normal life
Just living day to day
Trying to make things work as normal as can be
No time for feeling happy sometimes
Anger sits in and destruction begins again

What can I do but come here and write before I loose my mind
The world is changing andyet I am not I linger in this world of unchanged feelings,
I hurt everyday i hurt and hurt and the aching of my heart
sometimes feel like I am dying inside
Oh Russell boy I miss you so

I watch a video of your last physical Xmas with us just to peek at you and hear your voice
made me feel at ease
I need this in order to stay sane watching old videos of you with us and your Daughter
happy moments which I wish was still here with all of us

I miss you my baby boy I miss you.......

Life is not fair and yet we go on
why?  I ask myself why?

Oh god help me find strength today for today it is hitting me hard.......

I feel like crawling under a rock and hiding from this world
This world that keeps on going and yet mine's have stopped forever.

Why God have you made us strong yet this is something that is harder than anything I had to deal with in my life
I can't seem to find peace in  my heart and soul only sadness
Why? Why?

I feel sometimes that I don;t want to be here and yet I know I have to because of my kids
And yet I wish to be with Russell boy

I feel lost in time and feel that he is alone without his family that love him so
I feel afraid for him that he had to leave this world and enter yours without me
Receiving him in my arms like it should have been

Oh god give me strength for this is not a good time right now.....

Lost and confused thats what I feel today I am so lost....


9
Child Loss / Even though you are not here with us
« on: January 24, 2008, 08:23:46 AM »
Life has many trials and tribulations
That one faces with either a strong hold on it
Or just let it eat you up inside out
The trials are not we that question how to handle it
But how we live our lives
Even though you are not here with us

Adjustments filling that void of miss you so much
That emptiness of despair and heartless felt through out our family
It isn't fair and like does go on without the world stopping for your loss
Faces of pain and heartbreaks fill the air in a world of madness and full of hate

What do we do but go on without you...
How?  we don't know how
We take each day and think of you and miss the memories we all had with you

Sometime hiding in your own corner and just thinking
What if a lot more could have been done to still see your smiling face
Your wonderful sense of happiness which once filled my heart
Even though you are not here with us
We still remember all the good things we had will always have in us
Because of you
My life was real, and bearable
Now that you are not a physical part of this world
My heart aches and wishing everyday you were here with us

Even though you are not here with us
I know the struggles of not forgetting but remembering all the good and forget about the bad
But this cannot be done
As hard as i try I can't its there and will froever taunt me for the rest of my life

It was not time for you to have end your precious life this way
Which most of us understand what we go through.

Even though you are not here with us
Our love for you grows stronger each day you are not here....

10
Main / 2nd Christmas without our Russell Boy
« on: December 26, 2007, 09:51:37 AM »
Grieving Nightmare that never ends haunting and taunting the ones you love,
We lost Russell Boy and yet it feels like I have loss all of my children also.
This Holiday season we got together as a family yet it was very hard to be in the same room with each other.
Something was missing and yes the skeleton in your closet thats what we call it
That now we have to face for the rest of  our earthly lives
Will haunt all of us forever.
My daugther has decorated the house and put up a Christmas Tree which was very hard itself to bear for all of us.  We are trying to cope and remember our sweet Russell Boy with good intentional memories.
My children are going through a rough time with alot of the anger and frustration of not having their little brother around.
I can see it in their eyes I can feel it in their souls but yet I am helpless
Because I cannot heal them and tell them everything is going to be alright we will go on
I just feel helpless......

Christmas morning we opened presents and yet feel the emptiness inside the house and in our hearts...
We put on that mask so no one will feel the sadness through the day....
On of my children went to California with his girlfirend for Christmas which made it even more unpleasant. So I called them that afternoon to wish both of them a Merry Christmas.  As I stayed on the phone with my son I asked him if it was okay to sing for them over the phone.  I was all prepared to do this wonderful song so I started singing Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.  As I came upon the second verse I couldn't help but cry and finish the song in tears....  I told myself I wouldn't do that but it just happened..... We said our goodbyes and I hung the phone up in tears I continues to cry outside my front door.....  It was very strange when I told myself I wouldn't do that...
about 5 minutes later the snow began to fall like crazy here in Oregon.  I couldn't believe my eyes as I gazed upon the large flakes falling from the sky.....  I was just amazed! I stopped crying and my kids and my grandkids were having a ball with smiles on their faces playing with the snowflakes that came down that day.....

After while we went to visit friends and more family as the day went by, Stopped at my grnadduaghter's house (Russell Boy's little angel) Anela.  Stayed there for awhile a opened present with her and enjoyed just being there with her for  thta moment.  And finally we did out last stop to visit my baby boy's resting place to say Merry Christmas and to just soend time lighting a candle and just silence.  You know my grand daughter who is 12 years old syas the strangest things to me all the time.  She said grandma as I watched you over at Russell Boy's resting place I saw a vision of Russell Boy standing next to you....  she replied and said Grandmad please don't think I am crazy or seeing things but I saw what I saw Russell Boy right next to you .........  I started crying again and couldn't believe what I just heard......  But it was very emotional and painful at times.....

But we still have another holiday to get through and I pray that the lord will give all of us strength to hold on to the good memories of Russell Boy and help us through the next year to come.

11
Main / Heavenly Merry Christmas Russell Boy! 2nd year in heaven
« on: December 25, 2007, 07:42:58 PM »
Dear Russell,

Today we wish you a hevaenly Christmas with the Lord above.  Please Lord Hug and Kiss our Russell Boy for all of us who miss him so...

Russell today we missed you and will always remember you !!!!!


Love from all of us to you my baby boy!!!

Mom

12
Child Loss / Something to share with Moms.....
« on: October 31, 2007, 07:21:18 AM »
Before I was a Mom

I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.

I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom -
 
I had never been puked on.

Pooped on.

Chewed on.

Peed on.

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom-

I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests

Or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom-

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.

I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
 
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
 
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom -

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,

the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.


Unknown Writter...
 



13
Child Loss / Life Without You...
« on: October 30, 2007, 07:28:06 AM »
Life without you,
Emptiness of happiness
Sores that will not heal
Pain that cannot stop hurting
My aching heart that keeps on breaking

Feeling numb
Can't believe I am going through all of this
Life now has different meaning
My Life cannot be changed for what it is today

Life without you
Has become a source of wanting
Waiting, hoping for all to past
Memories grow stronger each passing day that you're gone

Life without you
A long winding road
Sleepless nights
Shedding the tears of missing you so
Think about you all the time

Life without you
I have to figure how to live here without you
You left us too early and now we have to figure it out
How to live here without you
It is not easy
when time passes you by
My heart cannot seem to go there
I am trapped in time and space
My mind, my body and soul are trapped
In this God forsaken nightmare
That now I must live

Life without you
An endless poem, story or song
There are no words to any of this that can really explain

Life without you
You have come into my life
And with just with a blink of an eye you are gone
Gone forever

Life without you
Don't know where it going to lead
Sometimes further than we expect it to go
Crazy somedays
Wake up everyday and yet lie to myself that today is going to be a better day

Life without you
Just doesn't seem fair
What is fair do you know?
Life has not given me the opportunity
To be with you
Was that fair to you?
Judgement has made it call
On the circle of life around you
Leaving this emptiness inside my heart
Bearing the pain that will last for all eternity

Life without you has no real reason
But just pain and missing you so very much

Life without you
Challenging, unbearing pain
Hate and anger
Overwhelms my very soul

The person who has set judgment that day
When he decided to take your life
May he live in the worsts nightmare
I know its cruel for me to say
because life without you has no remorse of such thinking

Life without you
Regrets
You not being here to share
With your daughter, friends and family.....

NOTE: Still seeking justice for my son's death.... And maybe when that day comes I will try to heal more right now
It is what it is....
 


14
Main / Our Children are in our hearts....
« on: October 19, 2007, 01:09:01 PM »
Our children will forever be a part of us for all eternity.
They are in every breath we take and every step we may take
Our hearts are full of love for our children
and yet our heart hurts for that missing love...
We live our lives accordingly to protect and raise our children
With so much love to make always seem to brighten up everyday
Our heart breaks for all the love we can't share with our children physically
In know in my heart that my son is always there
And sometimes I think about
How he is feeling right now?
Is he watching me cry, get angry, talk no sense at times?
Is he crying right now knowing that I am hurting?
It shockly amazes me when a friend can come up to me and say
Why are you sad? i don't like seeing you this way.
You need to start living again.... Your family needs you and so does Russell Boy...
That took time to insert this into my head this past week
But I realize that I hurt no matter what day it is....
and its true I need to live again....
As I mentioned about is our dear children watching us in pain.
I believe they are.... I don't cry in front of my children or anyone
Because I don't want them to become sad....
And it hit me like a slap in the face....
You are crying in front of Russell boy all the time.....
Can you imagine our children cannot comfort us either?
They cannot physically touch us?  Do you know that they hurt as much as we do for losing their family?
I guess I have been thinking alot about that. And put myself in Russell boy's place.
Our children are always in our hearts...  And I know that I have to stay the strong mom he knew because this is who he was most proud of.....
We try everyday to get along and let nothing stop us for trying to be normal.  But I too have noticed the change in me and the sadness I carry along with me everyday.... I know it take time to heal and yes i realixe that I have to become the Mom that my son remebered me as and not live in all the darkness that overwhelms our lives.

My thought and prayers are always with each and every one of you and your children.  I pray that god give us strength to help our selves live with this pain and wish for comfort from heaven upabove.

Lisa

15
Child Loss / Russell Boy's near 15 months in heaven up above....
« on: October 12, 2007, 10:49:48 AM »
Russell Boy,

Another month is coming up you've been gone for 15 months and yet not a day goes by that I don't miss you... I just want to tell the good lord above to keep you in his arms until I see you again it has been a very hard week and sometimes not bad.... My baby boy i think about you all the time.... wishing I see you at times.. we miss you my boy! Anela's birthday is coming up and that will be a challenge for all of us.  We will try our best to not get too emotional so she can enjoy her day.  Guess what I have made arrangement to have her birthday party at PAPA's Pizza.  So hope you will be there with us in spirit my Russell Boy you are so much missed I can't have enough expression to what I need to say.... I love you so much...
Oh god,  please take care of my boy and give him a big hug and kiss for me.
Always,
Mom - For all eternity....

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