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Topics - mousewife

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Where is my new life?
« on: March 15, 2018, 07:46:07 PM »
Hi All,

Maybe I should post this under grief unrelated to death, except that it is due to the death of my husband 11 years ago this coming Sunday. It's not really a grief thing, as much as it is a sorrow and frustration that I can not for the life of me, find my new life.  I don't live in the past.  I have let that go years ago.  But in spite of the many things I have done, trips I have taken, volunteer work I have done, ministry I have created, Meetups I have hosted and participated in, and friends I have made,  I do not find the happiness and fulfillment that I had with my husband.  I even sold our home that I loved, thinking it would help me, but the house I am in now does not hold a candle to the one I had.  I couldn't afford one like I had. Really stupid.

I would love to move on to my happy new life, but, where the heck is it?

Thanks for letting me vent.

Peace and Healing,

Spouse, Partner Loss / my anniversary
« on: May 25, 2014, 09:22:26 PM »
I just felt the need to share that today would have been my 29th anniversary, if it wasn't for brain cancer and death, we  would have been on a celebration weekend of our own.  I just wanted to be able to say that to you all.  I have missed my husband and missed the life we had today.  It wasn't dreadful, just sad and lonely at times.  29 years ago mousewife married Jeffrey Wayne, who was a very attractive, attentive, loving husband.  He was my very best friend and I still miss him even 7 years later.  So Happy Anniversary to us in our respective places.  He doesn't have need to care or even know about such things, but, I'm still here to go through the dates alone.

 I just wanted to say it as my way of honoring the day.



Spouse, Partner Loss / Is anyone else having a bad day today?
« on: March 12, 2014, 03:16:42 PM »
I hope not.  But, I am.  I started off fine.  Then about midday I just went down.  Then I had a brief spell of anxiety about the possibility of being alone the rest of my life.

The 18th will be the seventh anniversary of my husband's death.  I don't think that's bothering me.  It's more about being alone even though I don't know what it would be like to be with someone else.

I'm tired of things being the same, and yet, I've got it pretty good, considering.  This is the spring of my discontent I guess.  Well, I've been here before.  I'm sure I'll survive even if I'm less than happy at all times.

Peace and Healing,

Parent Loss / Terry, how are you?
« on: March 09, 2014, 02:46:06 PM »
Hi Terry,

I just wondered how you are doing?
I'm hoping that you are still enjoying doing some creative things for yourself and all is well.

Peace and Healing,

Spouse, Partner Loss / Having a difficult time lately
« on: February 21, 2014, 10:44:32 AM »
Hi All,

I hope this won't make those of you who are newer to grief feel like you will never get better.  I don't think that's really true.  I've been better.  Last year was a pretty good year for me until September.  Since then, things have been harder for me, and lately, I've felt pretty down with sorrow.

It will be seven years for me since my husband, who was 50, died from brain cancer.  The date has come and gone for me before without causing me to feel this way.  I think it may be that I am facing a major birthday in a few months and I will have to go through it alone.  I never thought I would be alone at this time in my life.  It's really hard for me to face this.  I'm probably going to grow old alone and that's not something I ever wanted to do.

I've made many changes in the past year in an effort to create a meaningful life.  I've changed churches, joined the singles ministry, and another single Christian friendship group.  I enjoy these groups, but most of the people are much younger than I am.  I have traveled, and will be going to Israel in April.  So, it is hard for me to find myself back at this level of sorrow.  I also volunteer for hospice and a meal program.  I don't know what more I can do to get myself out there.

Well, thanks for listening.  I'm just feeling so alone right now.

Peace and Healing,

Hi all,

I tried last year to go up in a hot air balloon on the 14th, but wind conditions weren't right.  This year I have been trying since the 7th, and on the 25th we finally made it!  It was so great.  It was a perfect evening for it.  I'm so glad I did it.  I wish I could do it all the time.  If you ever get the chance try it.  It's wonderful.

Peace and Healing,

Spouse, Partner Loss / My mother died this past Wednesday
« on: July 13, 2012, 02:19:59 PM »
Hi All,

I brought my mother home on hospice care on Saturday.  She died on Wednesdy.  She had been in a nursing home for four years due to dementia and cardiovascular problems.  She developed congestive heart failure and was totally filled with adema which could not be removed because her kidneys were going too far down.  She had been hospitalized three times this year, twice in the last two weeks.  She had her 90th birthday recently.  She has not had a good quality of life for four years.

It was a very hard decision, but I had to carry out what Mom's wishes were 11 years ago when she was able to make such decisions.  We have had a very hard time the last three weeks and especially the last 5 days.  I was greatly relieved at first because she now has no more suffering.  But, today the grief is setting in.  I was just starting to feel pretty stable from my husband's death, and I hope that will maintain, but this is a hard thing for me now.  Six years of difficult care-giving and helping my two most loved people die has been so horrendous.  Please, those of you who pray, pray for me.  Thanks.

Peace and Healing,

Hi all,

I am just wondering if anyone has felt the need to move to a new home, or geographic location in order to build a new life?  If anyone has, did you find it helpful or di you see it as a regret?

I am kind of torn on this subject.  I often think I need to be in a place that is just mine.  But then I think if I make a mistake with this, it could make me feel worse and there would be no way to undo the choice.

Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated.

Peace and Healing to all,

I too used to answer people with "fine"  when they asked me because I knew they were only being polite.  But after about two and a half years I finally started to get a little mad enougj and a littel bold enouh to anwer truthfully.  I would say that I was just ok and that it was good enough for now.  I also expressed that I was tired of telling everyone I was fine when I was not fine at all.  I believe others can never learn what it is we need and how they can better support us if we dont' speak up and tell them how we really feel.

Peace and Healing,

Spouse, Partner Loss / For all the new people who have posted
« on: October 30, 2011, 08:41:32 PM »
I am sorry for your losses of your spouses.  I know how hard and overhwelming it is.  Yes grief is a rollercoaster of emotions.  It will wear you out with depression if you keep expecting that the worst is over, when it comes back to take you back down to the depths.  I have found it best to embrace it the best I can and express the emotions as they come and not be mad at myself because it came back again when I was feeling so much better for so long.

There is no sense in beating ourselves up for emotions that come unbidden.  We just have to go through the horrible pain the best we can.  Still look for and enjoy the good that is still around us, even though the thought is always there that it would be much better with our spouse.  And Arther, about the had holding.  I know what you mean.  My husband was always grabbing my had every where we whent and even when we were just watching tv.  I miss that touch so much. No one has held my had since my husband died.  It might be nice to experience this again if God ever brings the right person across my path again.

The holidays are upon us and this can be such a sad time for those of us who are left with no one.  I used to love these things, but that's one thing that I have lost now.  They just don't make me feel as good as they used to.  So parts of our history are slowly slipping away, which makes me sad that I have to give up something I enjoyed with him, and I miss these events with him but on my own they are just no fun, so they will be deleated from my life and I will need something new in theire place.  I hope you  all can find what feels best for you and put away what is too painful or doesn't fit anymore.  I"m so sorry that you are in this place of being left behind.

Peace and Healing'

Spouse, Partner Loss / Need encouragement
« on: March 22, 2011, 08:37:04 PM »
Hi All,

I have just been having some bad days lately.  I don't know why.  Last Friday was the fouth anniversary of my husband's death from glioblastoma multiforme.  That day wasn't bad, and last year wasn't bad.  But, for a few days now I have just had a lot of anxiety and worry about not being able to take care of myself for the rest of my life, and a lot of sorrow.  Maybe part of it is that someone else I know has just been diagnosed with it.  They say they got it all, but I have never heard of this type of tumor being able to be completely removed.  I have just found a site where many people have posted that they have survived this cancer.  While I am glad for them, it's hard for me to hear this and then think maybe I gave up too soon.  Maybe if we had had a third surgery and tried the Avastin my husband could have survived.
I know I made the best decision I could at the time.  I just feel really badly right now and am having a hard time thinking of living the rest of my life without my husband.  I also lost out on a job that I was well-suited for both in experience and education.  This has made me feel really worthless and unemployable.

Peace and Healing,

Spouse, Partner Loss / Christmas and Grief
« on: December 19, 2010, 06:09:51 PM »
Hi All,

We are rapidly approaching the 25th, the day on which we celebrate the birth of Hope eternal.  My heart is with all of you as yours are breaking.  It is a difficult time to be without our loves.  My wish for us all is that we make it through all of the "fesitivies" that are traditonal to this time of year, with the least amount of pain possible, remembering to focus on Hope.  It keeps us going.

Personally, I am trying to leave behind all that no longer fits for my life, and move forward the best I can.  It is hard when everything at this time of year is "family, family, family" when I really don't have one anymore.  But it is what it is and there is no shame in loss.  So I just enjoy the parts I can and try to ignore the rest, remembering that I always have Hope.

Peace and Healing,

Main / My husband's birthday is tomorrow
« on: September 13, 2010, 08:56:26 PM »
Hi all,

My husband would have been 54 tomorrow.  On the 18th it will be 3 and 1/2 years since his death.  I have been doing pretty well, but some sadness found me today.  I still miss him.  I've had to face so many hard things alone that sometimes it's hard to remember that I had almost 22 years with him.  And yet, there are times when the grief surrounding his illness and death presents its self as if new again.  Thankfully, those times are far less frequent and much shorter now.

I just can't bear for the day of his birth to come and go with no one remembering or caring but me.  His life made a difference.  So please think of my Sweetie on the 14th and know that he was a caring, loving, dependable man of faith who lived his life and faced his death with grace.  Thanks.

Peace and Healing,

Main / Today is the 3rd anniversary of my husband's death
« on: March 18, 2010, 05:35:03 PM »
Hi all,

I haven't been on so much lately.  I hope everyone is doing as well as possible.

Today is the third anniversary for me.  I have been doing well with it.  I hope it stays this way.

He was a great guy, who wasn't perfect, but always wanted to be. Because of my Christian faith, I believe he now has been made perfect, and I'm happy for him in this regard.

He was such a major and important part of my life and it has been so hard to go through this loss.  I will always miss and love him, but I hope I can continue looking forward from now on and leave the regrets and most of the grief in the past.  I know he never wanted me to suffer, but it just takes so much time to get to that point and stay there.  I hope I'm there this time.

For my sweetheart, Jeffrey Wayne, Happy Third Anniversary in your new eternal life!

Peace and Healing,

Main / Christmas Wishes
« on: December 23, 2009, 09:43:49 AM »
Hi everyone,

My wish for all is that we can find some joy, peace and comfort this Christmas, in spite of the reality that our Christmas experiences are not the same as they were before we lost our loved ones.  I know it is lonely and hurtful, and it takes time to try and find new ways to be happy during this time.

Best wishes to all during this season, and peace and healing to us all.


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