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Spouse, Partner Loss / A sign?
« on: July 30, 2012, 06:01:59 AM »
This past Saturday I went to the graveyard, put some pink roses on Denise's grave, like I do every Saturday. I talk to her, pray for her, cry...quite a show, I guess. This Saturday I was feeling like a fool...standing in the graveyard crying uncontrollably and talking to someone who isn't there. I have come to believe in nothing....no God, no Jesus, no heaven, no afterlife...yet, I am in the graveyard every weekend...with roses, crying and talking as if Denise is there.
So I finally sat down on marble slab at the plot next to Denise's (and eventually, my) grave. I sat looking back over the beautiful pastoral scene of the valley below. In my doubt, blubbering, I cried out for a sign that she was still with me in spirit...that somehow, somewhere, she still existed.
A few moments later, a large brown dog came loping over the hill. The graveyard was completely empty, as usual, but for me and the dog. I watched it coming straight up the hill. It looked lost. It tentatively circled the row of graves where I was sitting, coming right up to me and licked me in the face. I petted the dog and then it shied away. It stood a few feet from me and I could just read the dog's name tag: Lady.
No longer crying, I tried to coax the dog close again, to see if she were truly lost or just lived nearby...to see if her dog tag contained her owner's contact information. But try as I might she wouldn't have any of it. I walked back to my truck and gathered a few treats to try again. But she simply sniffed them where I had tossed them and shied away. Eventually, the dog ran in behind some trees and was gone.
Denise had never had a dog when we first got together. I told her I had always had a dog. Eventually, we "met" a little schnoodle
It was love at first site. We named her Chloe (a name I have always admired but which doesn't work with my last name.) Denise became the biggest dog person on the planet. They made quite a pair. And, when Chloe was shaved just right, they even looked alike. I can still see them walking ahead of me, Denise holding the leash and Chloe dutifully looking up at Denise for guidance.
The whole encounter with the dog in the graveyard had me wondering all weekend. I asked for a sign...was I given one? My "faith" in spiritual things is still rather weak these days. But that unexpected slobbery kiss was a much needed coincidence for me. A spark of hope at a gloomy time.
Thanks, honey.
So I finally sat down on marble slab at the plot next to Denise's (and eventually, my) grave. I sat looking back over the beautiful pastoral scene of the valley below. In my doubt, blubbering, I cried out for a sign that she was still with me in spirit...that somehow, somewhere, she still existed.
A few moments later, a large brown dog came loping over the hill. The graveyard was completely empty, as usual, but for me and the dog. I watched it coming straight up the hill. It looked lost. It tentatively circled the row of graves where I was sitting, coming right up to me and licked me in the face. I petted the dog and then it shied away. It stood a few feet from me and I could just read the dog's name tag: Lady.
No longer crying, I tried to coax the dog close again, to see if she were truly lost or just lived nearby...to see if her dog tag contained her owner's contact information. But try as I might she wouldn't have any of it. I walked back to my truck and gathered a few treats to try again. But she simply sniffed them where I had tossed them and shied away. Eventually, the dog ran in behind some trees and was gone.
Denise had never had a dog when we first got together. I told her I had always had a dog. Eventually, we "met" a little schnoodle
It was love at first site. We named her Chloe (a name I have always admired but which doesn't work with my last name.) Denise became the biggest dog person on the planet. They made quite a pair. And, when Chloe was shaved just right, they even looked alike. I can still see them walking ahead of me, Denise holding the leash and Chloe dutifully looking up at Denise for guidance.
The whole encounter with the dog in the graveyard had me wondering all weekend. I asked for a sign...was I given one? My "faith" in spiritual things is still rather weak these days. But that unexpected slobbery kiss was a much needed coincidence for me. A spark of hope at a gloomy time.
Thanks, honey.
2
Spouse, Partner Loss / A beautiful, poignant photo. I thought it appropriate to share.
« on: July 13, 2012, 05:32:19 AM »
3
Spouse, Partner Loss / Coming up on one year....
« on: July 09, 2012, 10:31:01 AM »
I have sent out invitations to a graveside memorial service to family and friends for this coming Saturday. The plan is to read a few things, offer a few prayers and release a single white balloon at the end. Then there will be a luncheon at Denise's sister's house.
Since you guys have provided so much to me in this last year, I thought I'd let you read the invitation and my part of the ceremony.
The invitation:
Memorial for Denise E******. Saturday, July 14, 2012.
This coming Saturday, July 14, 2012 from noon till 12:30pm, there will be a graveside memorial service marking the one year anniversary of Denise's passing. I am inviting anyone who wishes to come to remember Denise to please plan on attending. If you decide to come, I encouraged you to bring a paragraph or two with a thought, prayer or poem inspired by Denise to be read at the service. If you would rather have your note read for you, that can be arranged.
Immediately after the ceremony, lunch will be served at Denise's sister Jane's house at approximatly 1pm. Lunch and refreshments will be provided. Directions will be provided at the service.
If you would like to attend please let me know with a phone call or email as the luncheon will be catered (catering provided by S*********) and I would like to get a rough head count before placing the final order.
My cell phone is : (removed)
My email address is : (removed)
If you cannot attend but would like to include a note with your thoughts to be read at the ceremony, please send me an email or contact me personally and I will send you my mailing address.
If you cannot attend and would rather not send a note, please take a moment around noon this Saturday and remember a wonderful person who was taken from us way too soon. I thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers. May God bless you all.
The address for St John's is below:
St John The Evangelist Parish
13305 Long Green Pike
Hydes, MD 21082
Thoughts from me to Denise:
I would like to thank you all for coming. Tomorrow, July 15, marks the one year anniversary of Denise's death. At times, it is hard for me to believe it has been a year. And yet, a year has passed. And it has been so very, very hard. I miss Denise. I ache for her. That yearning for her, her presence, is with me every moment of every day. Her loss has changed me. I am not the same man I was a year ago, before Denise became sick and died. I often feel that the "Bob" I was before died with Denise that day a year ago. Or maybe I am just now becoming aware of the subtle changes that Denise has had on me through the years we were together. At this memorial service I wanted to celebrate Denise as I knew her and highlight how she taught me how to live, to laugh and to love.
Denise lived her life fully and in doing so, showed me how to enjoy life. She was warm, honest and sincere. Almost from the moment we fell in love (and,yes, we often talked about that specific moment) she was by my side. She got up early every morning, made us breakfast and ate with me. She packed healthy lunches for me. She kissed me often, encouraged me, told me the truth when I needed to hear it, held me when I was overwhelmed, guided me when I needed it, she protected me...simply, she loved me. She pointed out to a very foolish me, often, what was important in life. Sometimes, when we would be driving around in my truck and we would pass some grand house I would sigh and mutter "I wonder what this guy does for a living" or "what am I doing wrong?" She would smile at me and say, "They're not happy. Not like us." And I would smile and realize that she was right.
I was a more lighthearted man when Denise was alive. Denise and I would laugh often. We danced slowly in the kitchen. I played my guitar in bed in the dark and we sang songs together. She was my harmony singer. We celebrated with family. We dressed up gingerbread men. We collected toys. We went to flea markets. We read books to one another. We stopped by the roadside and took pictures with the sunflowers. We fed birds and squirrels. We planted a garden. We went to Broadway shows, holiday celebrations, family celebrations, art museums, historical sites, fine restaurants and fine hotels. We learned little things about each other along the way. For me it was as wonderful and as intimate as being with another can get. She taught me how to argue correctly. She drew me out of my cave when I was angry, She soothed the madman in me when I was raging. She held me through the night.
Denise helped me raise my twin daughters ( a terrifying prospect for me, a man lost in the alien world of women.) She said I helped her with her relationships with her sons. We became a family. She literally made me weak in the knees. She literally took my breath away when she walked in a room. I physically had to get next to her....to hold her hand...to touch her...to kiss her. One time, years before she got sick, we were having a conversation about what we would do if something ever happened to the other. I wasn't comfortable with the conversation so I gave her the answer I thought she wanted to hear. Denise had always been jealous (although I loved her madly.) So when she asked if I would love again, I said "No, honey, after you I am hanging up my spurs with women." I was surprised when she got mad. She asked me "Has loving me been so bad?" "No, of course not," I spluttered, "Loving you has been the best thing to ever happen to me." "Then, if something ever happens to me, I want you to love again. I want you to be happy," she said.
But I was happy. Happier than any time in my life. And so a year later, I am struggling. Moving on in a new house. Dating another. Both things, I have a sneaking suspicion, Denise had some hand in arranging. The coincidences are so strong in each instance. If you only knew how that woman thought. She gave me everything she had in life...and provided for me beyond. Her loss has shaken my belief system to the core and I have wrestled with some big questions in this last year...questions on the meaning of life, on death, on God and the hereafter. In the end, the only thing I know for sure is this...Denise was here and loved me with everything she had. And I loved her then with all my heart. I still do.
Let me conclude with one of our "standard" replies to each other, one I am certain that she initiated. One would say, "Do you love me?" And the reply, "Always and forever." I miss you, my darling. And I love you. Always and forever.
Death is Nothing at All
by Henry Scott Holland
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Since you guys have provided so much to me in this last year, I thought I'd let you read the invitation and my part of the ceremony.
The invitation:
Memorial for Denise E******. Saturday, July 14, 2012.
This coming Saturday, July 14, 2012 from noon till 12:30pm, there will be a graveside memorial service marking the one year anniversary of Denise's passing. I am inviting anyone who wishes to come to remember Denise to please plan on attending. If you decide to come, I encouraged you to bring a paragraph or two with a thought, prayer or poem inspired by Denise to be read at the service. If you would rather have your note read for you, that can be arranged.
Immediately after the ceremony, lunch will be served at Denise's sister Jane's house at approximatly 1pm. Lunch and refreshments will be provided. Directions will be provided at the service.
If you would like to attend please let me know with a phone call or email as the luncheon will be catered (catering provided by S*********) and I would like to get a rough head count before placing the final order.
My cell phone is : (removed)
My email address is : (removed)
If you cannot attend but would like to include a note with your thoughts to be read at the ceremony, please send me an email or contact me personally and I will send you my mailing address.
If you cannot attend and would rather not send a note, please take a moment around noon this Saturday and remember a wonderful person who was taken from us way too soon. I thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers. May God bless you all.
The address for St John's is below:
St John The Evangelist Parish
13305 Long Green Pike
Hydes, MD 21082
Thoughts from me to Denise:
I would like to thank you all for coming. Tomorrow, July 15, marks the one year anniversary of Denise's death. At times, it is hard for me to believe it has been a year. And yet, a year has passed. And it has been so very, very hard. I miss Denise. I ache for her. That yearning for her, her presence, is with me every moment of every day. Her loss has changed me. I am not the same man I was a year ago, before Denise became sick and died. I often feel that the "Bob" I was before died with Denise that day a year ago. Or maybe I am just now becoming aware of the subtle changes that Denise has had on me through the years we were together. At this memorial service I wanted to celebrate Denise as I knew her and highlight how she taught me how to live, to laugh and to love.
Denise lived her life fully and in doing so, showed me how to enjoy life. She was warm, honest and sincere. Almost from the moment we fell in love (and,yes, we often talked about that specific moment) she was by my side. She got up early every morning, made us breakfast and ate with me. She packed healthy lunches for me. She kissed me often, encouraged me, told me the truth when I needed to hear it, held me when I was overwhelmed, guided me when I needed it, she protected me...simply, she loved me. She pointed out to a very foolish me, often, what was important in life. Sometimes, when we would be driving around in my truck and we would pass some grand house I would sigh and mutter "I wonder what this guy does for a living" or "what am I doing wrong?" She would smile at me and say, "They're not happy. Not like us." And I would smile and realize that she was right.
I was a more lighthearted man when Denise was alive. Denise and I would laugh often. We danced slowly in the kitchen. I played my guitar in bed in the dark and we sang songs together. She was my harmony singer. We celebrated with family. We dressed up gingerbread men. We collected toys. We went to flea markets. We read books to one another. We stopped by the roadside and took pictures with the sunflowers. We fed birds and squirrels. We planted a garden. We went to Broadway shows, holiday celebrations, family celebrations, art museums, historical sites, fine restaurants and fine hotels. We learned little things about each other along the way. For me it was as wonderful and as intimate as being with another can get. She taught me how to argue correctly. She drew me out of my cave when I was angry, She soothed the madman in me when I was raging. She held me through the night.
Denise helped me raise my twin daughters ( a terrifying prospect for me, a man lost in the alien world of women.) She said I helped her with her relationships with her sons. We became a family. She literally made me weak in the knees. She literally took my breath away when she walked in a room. I physically had to get next to her....to hold her hand...to touch her...to kiss her. One time, years before she got sick, we were having a conversation about what we would do if something ever happened to the other. I wasn't comfortable with the conversation so I gave her the answer I thought she wanted to hear. Denise had always been jealous (although I loved her madly.) So when she asked if I would love again, I said "No, honey, after you I am hanging up my spurs with women." I was surprised when she got mad. She asked me "Has loving me been so bad?" "No, of course not," I spluttered, "Loving you has been the best thing to ever happen to me." "Then, if something ever happens to me, I want you to love again. I want you to be happy," she said.
But I was happy. Happier than any time in my life. And so a year later, I am struggling. Moving on in a new house. Dating another. Both things, I have a sneaking suspicion, Denise had some hand in arranging. The coincidences are so strong in each instance. If you only knew how that woman thought. She gave me everything she had in life...and provided for me beyond. Her loss has shaken my belief system to the core and I have wrestled with some big questions in this last year...questions on the meaning of life, on death, on God and the hereafter. In the end, the only thing I know for sure is this...Denise was here and loved me with everything she had. And I loved her then with all my heart. I still do.
Let me conclude with one of our "standard" replies to each other, one I am certain that she initiated. One would say, "Do you love me?" And the reply, "Always and forever." I miss you, my darling. And I love you. Always and forever.
Death is Nothing at All
by Henry Scott Holland
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.
4
Spouse, Partner Loss / Daughter's graduation
« on: May 18, 2012, 04:35:58 AM »
I am in Rhode Island this weekend for one of my twin daughter's graduation (the other graduates next weekend in Maryland.) I am alone in my hotel room.
This morning, before getting out of bed, I had a meltdown. I cried and cried so hard. Denise had helped me raise my children. She always gave me the "female" side of the equation, helping me understand my children as they grew from little girls into women. Denise should be here with me. And that thought is killing me.
I continue to question my belief system. Why should I believe in God? There is no evidence for it. Some bearded old man-like vision as painted on the Sistine Chapel? Whose idea was that anyway? And if I don't believe in God, how can I believer in heaven...a storage tank for human souls who have died? And if I don't believe in heaven, how can I believe in a soul...the continuance of conscience beyond the physical body? And if there is no soul, then Denise is truly gone. And it hurts to think these things and I cry and cry.
And after all those thoughts I whisper to Denise, "I miss you. I love you."
So now I have collected myself and am preparing to get dressed and go to an awards ceremony where my daughter will receive an award.
I tell this because I want everyone to know that while I have made progress through my grief I am not finished. I may never be.
I miss you Denise. I love you. I wish you were here
This morning, before getting out of bed, I had a meltdown. I cried and cried so hard. Denise had helped me raise my children. She always gave me the "female" side of the equation, helping me understand my children as they grew from little girls into women. Denise should be here with me. And that thought is killing me.
I continue to question my belief system. Why should I believe in God? There is no evidence for it. Some bearded old man-like vision as painted on the Sistine Chapel? Whose idea was that anyway? And if I don't believe in God, how can I believer in heaven...a storage tank for human souls who have died? And if I don't believe in heaven, how can I believe in a soul...the continuance of conscience beyond the physical body? And if there is no soul, then Denise is truly gone. And it hurts to think these things and I cry and cry.
And after all those thoughts I whisper to Denise, "I miss you. I love you."
So now I have collected myself and am preparing to get dressed and go to an awards ceremony where my daughter will receive an award.
I tell this because I want everyone to know that while I have made progress through my grief I am not finished. I may never be.
I miss you Denise. I love you. I wish you were here
5
Spouse, Partner Loss / First date
« on: April 06, 2012, 04:55:08 AM »
I went on my first "date" last night. I had met a lady on EHarmony (which I have since dropped.) We exchanged a few emails and eventually decided to meet. So last night we had dinner at a restaurant that was centrally located between our towns. It was a nice evening. We had a lot in common (I guess I can thank EHarmony for that.) The meal was nice, the conversation was pleasant and we go to know a little bit about each other. I enjoyed myself. I hope she did as well.
Having said that, I will need some time to process this. I am long out of practice with dating. We both had our baggage and went through some of that. Again, similar stories between us. But I am not sure we will meet again...I'm not good at picking up "signals" so if she was sending them, I wasn't receiving them. It was just nice for me to have someone to sit and talk to.
My take-away from this little event was this: This was a step in the right direction for me. Away from the constant crying and sadness. Nothing has really changed but my acceptance of what is. On the drive home I was thinking of the relationship that Denise and I shared. How we fit together like hand and glove. How we had grown together over time. How, like an exquisite meal at a fancy restaurant, our relationship was full of subtle flavors, tasty morsels and simple delights. How very fortunate we were to have that.
My journey through grief isn't done, maybe it never should be, but I have made some progress. And if by telling some of you this it gives you hope then that is a good thing.
Bob
Having said that, I will need some time to process this. I am long out of practice with dating. We both had our baggage and went through some of that. Again, similar stories between us. But I am not sure we will meet again...I'm not good at picking up "signals" so if she was sending them, I wasn't receiving them. It was just nice for me to have someone to sit and talk to.
My take-away from this little event was this: This was a step in the right direction for me. Away from the constant crying and sadness. Nothing has really changed but my acceptance of what is. On the drive home I was thinking of the relationship that Denise and I shared. How we fit together like hand and glove. How we had grown together over time. How, like an exquisite meal at a fancy restaurant, our relationship was full of subtle flavors, tasty morsels and simple delights. How very fortunate we were to have that.
My journey through grief isn't done, maybe it never should be, but I have made some progress. And if by telling some of you this it gives you hope then that is a good thing.
Bob
6
Spouse, Partner Loss / Milestone tomorrow.
« on: February 26, 2012, 06:29:23 PM »
I go to settlement on the new condo tomorrow at 10am. With trepidation. My children, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors, my real estate agent...everyone keeps asking if I am excited. Honestly, I am not.
This move has been gut-wrenching. Going through stuff that had meant so much to her, to us. People going through your stuff, deeming some of it trash, laying claim to things that they have no right to, selling off the items in your home cheap; things that she treasured. Letting go of our life, of my life. Driving home the point that life as I knew it has changed forever. Facing, again, that Denise is gone forever.
Sorry for the drama but this has been building up inside for a month or so...as the process has unfolded. I've been more down lately than ever. I feel so lost. So alone.
So tomorrow I move into a new condo...all bright and shiny and sterile with no history or meaning to me at all. Just a place to live...spend my time alone. A place to "start over." Like starting over is something I wanted to do.
This move has been gut-wrenching. Going through stuff that had meant so much to her, to us. People going through your stuff, deeming some of it trash, laying claim to things that they have no right to, selling off the items in your home cheap; things that she treasured. Letting go of our life, of my life. Driving home the point that life as I knew it has changed forever. Facing, again, that Denise is gone forever.
Sorry for the drama but this has been building up inside for a month or so...as the process has unfolded. I've been more down lately than ever. I feel so lost. So alone.
So tomorrow I move into a new condo...all bright and shiny and sterile with no history or meaning to me at all. Just a place to live...spend my time alone. A place to "start over." Like starting over is something I wanted to do.
7
Spouse, Partner Loss / Feeling the effects of it all...
« on: December 22, 2011, 04:51:16 PM »
I am sitting at work and it is almost 7pm. I have been here all day. Everyone else cleared out between 3:30p and 5p (normal times.) I usually leave at 3:30p. Most everyone is off tomorrow for the holiday. But I have nowhere to go. I could go home...and sit and watch TV or get online and waste time...but I decided to work. Why go home? Why do anything? I will be back here tomorrow.
My boss was leaving around 5p and was surprised to see me sitting here. He offered to do something with me...go out, get a drink. I thanked him but declined. Not in the mood. In a savagely dark place.
My daughter heard me crying this morning in bed. I had cried so hard I could only breathe through my mouth and was gasping and gulping for air. I tried not to but it just overwhelmed me. She knocked on my bedroom door but I couldn't answer. She gave me a big hug and kiss when we met in the kitchen later before we both left for work.
This is a dark day...like in the beginning. I am an emotional wreck and I am frightening myself. Dark day. Dark thoughts.
My boss was leaving around 5p and was surprised to see me sitting here. He offered to do something with me...go out, get a drink. I thanked him but declined. Not in the mood. In a savagely dark place.
My daughter heard me crying this morning in bed. I had cried so hard I could only breathe through my mouth and was gasping and gulping for air. I tried not to but it just overwhelmed me. She knocked on my bedroom door but I couldn't answer. She gave me a big hug and kiss when we met in the kitchen later before we both left for work.
This is a dark day...like in the beginning. I am an emotional wreck and I am frightening myself. Dark day. Dark thoughts.
8
Spouse, Partner Loss / Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow
« on: November 23, 2011, 09:41:04 PM »
I wish everyone celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow a good day. I will be thinking and praying for you all. May it go as well as it can for you. May you find some sort of peace with the day. May the time that you had with your loved one who has passed offer a opportunity to offer thanks. May you find joy with the loved ones still with you. I will be doing my best to get through my first Thanksgiving without my Denise. I will surround myself with those people who love me. God bless you all. Best wishes.
9
Spouse, Partner Loss / Feeling guilty
« on: November 18, 2011, 12:53:09 PM »
I was out at a trivia game last night (I joined a league at a friend’s suggestion after Denise passed away.) It was not the regular game I attend but a makeup game for one that will be missed during the Thanksgiving holiday. These contests are held at a local pub and up to twenty teams of 1 to 12 people are present. My team last night was comprised of two married couples, friends of my friend, and myself.
About halfway through the game a single lady friend of one of the couples joined us. We had been introduced at previous games and from conversations around the table in previous games I had deduced that she was not dating anyone currently and was looking to meet someone. She had never been married.
Anyway, during last nights roundtable conversation she mentioned that she had gone to the movies with her parents and how bad the movie had been. She went on to say she really had wanted to see this other movie. After the trivia game ended and we were breaking up I was walking near this woman and I found myself asking her out on a date to the movie she wanted to see. She didn’t say no but she said she had to check with a girlfriend with whom she had previously promised to see the other movie. We walked to our respective cars (by chance we were parked next to each other) we said goodnight and we each drove away. We are to see each other again tonight at the regular trivia game.
I started crying on the way out of the parking lot. I felt so guilty. I had not so much looked at any other women since I met Denise. She had been everything to me.
I thought about it when I got home, still crying. I have just been so lonely since Denise passed away. I am not looking for a long-term relationship or anything romantic; I would just like to spend a little time with a woman. I miss that. Just a dinner and a movie. Just some companionship. Just not another night holed up in a dark house alone. Oddly, if the lady says no it will really have no great effect on me. Not as much as the act of asking her out has.
I woke up this morning and had a 4am crying spell that lasted until I got up for work at 6:15am. I couldn’t breathe and was gulping for air. I forced myself out of bed; feeling pretty awful.
It has only been four months since Denise passed away. I miss her terribly. I miss the life we had. I would rather have her here with me but I will never see her again. She is gone. I am on my own. I am just feeling very guilty
About halfway through the game a single lady friend of one of the couples joined us. We had been introduced at previous games and from conversations around the table in previous games I had deduced that she was not dating anyone currently and was looking to meet someone. She had never been married.
Anyway, during last nights roundtable conversation she mentioned that she had gone to the movies with her parents and how bad the movie had been. She went on to say she really had wanted to see this other movie. After the trivia game ended and we were breaking up I was walking near this woman and I found myself asking her out on a date to the movie she wanted to see. She didn’t say no but she said she had to check with a girlfriend with whom she had previously promised to see the other movie. We walked to our respective cars (by chance we were parked next to each other) we said goodnight and we each drove away. We are to see each other again tonight at the regular trivia game.
I started crying on the way out of the parking lot. I felt so guilty. I had not so much looked at any other women since I met Denise. She had been everything to me.
I thought about it when I got home, still crying. I have just been so lonely since Denise passed away. I am not looking for a long-term relationship or anything romantic; I would just like to spend a little time with a woman. I miss that. Just a dinner and a movie. Just some companionship. Just not another night holed up in a dark house alone. Oddly, if the lady says no it will really have no great effect on me. Not as much as the act of asking her out has.
I woke up this morning and had a 4am crying spell that lasted until I got up for work at 6:15am. I couldn’t breathe and was gulping for air. I forced myself out of bed; feeling pretty awful.
It has only been four months since Denise passed away. I miss her terribly. I miss the life we had. I would rather have her here with me but I will never see her again. She is gone. I am on my own. I am just feeling very guilty
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Spouse, Partner Loss / A new baby in the world...
« on: October 14, 2011, 12:07:53 PM »
I got a call at 12m last night, Denise's son's wife went into labor with their 3rd child (Denise's 3rd grandchild.) They live 2 hours away in Northern Virginia. I got dressed, made the trek through the storm (found out there were tornadoes in VA last night) and made it to the hospital 10 minutes after the baby was born. She was beautiful. Eyes open, screaming at the top of her lungs, head full of dark hair.
When Denise was in the ICU, preparing to be transferred to the hospice, her son, who had not known the baby's gender, gently leaned down to his mother and said, "Mom, it's a girl. And we're naming her after you. Katherine Denise." She got the biggest smile on her face and hugged and kissed him. When he had left and the nurse returned to the room Denise called her over and, face glowing, said, "It's a girl! And they're naming it after me!" I can honestly say that that was the one bright moment in that whole wretched time before she passed away.
I only stayed for 45 minutes, took some pictures of the baby, mom, dad and mom's mother then made my way back home, arriving about 4:15am, having to get up at 6:30am for work. It was worth the trip.
When Denise was in the ICU, preparing to be transferred to the hospice, her son, who had not known the baby's gender, gently leaned down to his mother and said, "Mom, it's a girl. And we're naming her after you. Katherine Denise." She got the biggest smile on her face and hugged and kissed him. When he had left and the nurse returned to the room Denise called her over and, face glowing, said, "It's a girl! And they're naming it after me!" I can honestly say that that was the one bright moment in that whole wretched time before she passed away.
I only stayed for 45 minutes, took some pictures of the baby, mom, dad and mom's mother then made my way back home, arriving about 4:15am, having to get up at 6:30am for work. It was worth the trip.
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