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Topics - jasonkl

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1
Recommended Grief Books / The Grief Club
« on: April 13, 2013, 07:41:01 AM »
I could see myself in a lot of the stories.  It was a very good book.

Jason

2
Spouse, Partner Loss / Update
« on: April 10, 2013, 05:47:57 PM »
Hi everyone,

It has been months. I did not realize time could fly by so fast now. I have done so much and grown so much. My new relationship is going well we have had are ups and downs. But I suppose that would happen with any blended family. The kids are well still have trouble bring my past life and my present together but getting there.

I got a tattoo in Jens memory I will try to post a pick. I also had a quilt made for our son out of Jens cloths. I gave her parents the sheets and blanket she loved. I got the urn charms and put her hair in there for them. Believe it or not the tattoo brought me so much closure. I no longer need to hold on to her belongings. I have been giving things to her family. Something I though I would never be able to do. I never realized how much I kept, him many things of hers I moved. But it was like a very nice man said to me one day it will feel like a weight has been lift from your chest. He was right one day it just all seemed ok. I still miss her everyday. And would do any thing to have her back heathy. But is not to be last wensday was what should have been our 14th wedding anaversery. I went to see her. And for first time I did not cry at her grave. It was nice to be able to remember good things and not just the pain.

For anyone new who is reading this. These changes did not come easy. And the loss of the love of my love has forever changed me. I will never be the same as part of me died with her. But part of her is still alive in me. We are forever conected. I still have my day where I don't believe it is real and wish that I could talk to her one more time. But those thoughts no longer control my day. They no longer bring tears but a smile knowing that I could not have loved her more. That what we had was special and I was lucky enough to have her as my wife. And nothing can take that way from me, not even death.


Gone from my sight but never from my heart. 

Jason

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Spouse, Partner Loss / New Year
« on: December 29, 2012, 03:14:53 PM »
Hi all it been more than a month sense my last post. The season has been very busy. For the first time in almost 5 years I am making plans for the future. When Jen first got hurt we though a few months she would be ok, once it was clear that she would never be the same again everything changed. I stop planing for the future and started just trying to make it through the week. After she passed as you all know it goes to just trying to make through to the next second.  It been a very hard road and I still have my days. I suspect that I will have moments for the rest of my days when something just makes me miss her.

My kids are ok. My oldest Jason is still not ready for where I am at with my grief. He still does not like the way I handled things it going to take years to repair that relationship. God willing I will have the time to do it.

My new relationship is going well. Dare I say I am in love again. Liz makes me happy. Something I never though I could or would find again.  We are making plans for a future together. Still taking things slow but going good. I will try to post more soon.

4
Spouse, Partner Loss / Update
« on: October 13, 2012, 12:36:12 PM »
Hi all it been a little a while  sense I updated. I see some new names, so sorry for all your losses. This is a great site just wish none of us needed one. My name is Jason. I lost the love of my life my soul mate on August 19,2011. She got hurt at work in 08. The injury should not have been fatal. But the damage to her body from it cause her death. She devolved a condition know as RSD. It is a nerve issue in which the body thinks and injury is still there even after it heals. There is no cure and treatment is just pain medications. For over 3 years I watched this condition take over our lives. It ruined her body,distroted her mind,take her sprit and in the end it broke her heart. There is no medical explanation for why she passed. She just went to sleep and never woke up. The pain became her prison. Our son explained it the best. He said her life did not end that day. It ended the day she got hurt. She was finally set free that August day. We all were. Her pain did not only control her life it controlled all of our lives.

She still has found a way to take care of us from the other side. With the life insurance I was able to buy a house she would have loved. Her dream house. One with a covered front porch, a deck out back, a finished basement and a garage. The policy also is paying for most of our son's collage. Which we would not have been able to afford. I still miss her everyday. And would give it all up to see her again. But my son is right at 31 her life was already over. She was to live out the rest of her life in pain. Debilating pain. She slept most of the last year of her life as that is all the doctors could do for her.

As for me I spent months in therapy for PTSD and to learn to function again. I attended Griefshare for 39 weeks. For those who don't know Griefshare is a Christian run grief support group. I have tried everything to get through this. For a year there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Then my son wrote to his mom on her FB page and things started to come together. He wrote about how her life had ended when she got hurt. How the pain had already taken her away from us long before that day in August. How she was finally free and did not have to hurt any more. His words got me thinking. She was not the only one who was freed we all were. She knew by then I would never leave her. She knew I would do any thing I could to help her and she knew I would never stop trying. That's all she ever wanted form me. She just want to be loved unconditionally and she got it. She tryed for months to get me to leave her. I would not leave her side. With out any other explanation I have come to believe that part or her passing was one final act of love. To let me go. To release me from my vows. Some how she knew she was never going going to get better.

In the last few months I have made a lot of progress in going through my grief. I have started seeing my kids again. We are slowly rebuilding or relationship.  I am in theraphy again to help learn to live again not just function. I am on anti-depressants. They help a lot. I am in a new relationship. Most of you know about it. She is a wonderful woman.  She let me talk about my wife as much as I need to. I don't feel guilty about it any as much as I did. I was married for 12 wonderful years and would still be if she were still here. I love my wife and I always will. She lives in my heart now and when things get really bad she comes out for a visit to remind me I am never far from her and her love will never die.


Thanks for listening. I know this was a long one.

Jason

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Spouse, Partner Loss / the begining of the end
« on: August 18, 2012, 05:15:20 AM »
Today is August 18. One year ago today would be the last time I saw my wife  alive. The last day I would ever speak to her. How I wish i could have this day to say all the things she deservied to hear. In stead most of the last words were a fight and how we were going to have to move again. No I love yous No you mean the world  to me. Just a I'm in pain I'm going to bed and ok I'll see you in the morning.


Jason

6
Spouse, Partner Loss / Update
« on: August 14, 2012, 08:11:27 AM »
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Terry))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You have be one of most wonderful and caring people I have ever met. I started a new topic to answer as many of your questions as I can.

First the new relationship is complicated. I last time I tried dating anyone new I was 17 and I married her. Now 21 years later everything is so different. I have kids, she has kids. Nothing like dealing with 6 unique personalities. And she has a past not use to dealing with that at all. Jen and I pretty much grew up together, we were teenagers when we meet. I feel in-adequate a lot, she has had past relationships she has traveled to many places I have never been. She has had such a full life before me. Me I was with the same person for 16 years. I have found I have not a clue what I am doing or how to deal with her past. I have to say she is wonderful and deals with all of me. She seems to understand that Jen will always be a part of me and that she will never have all of me.

As far as the kids go. We have not got them all together yet. Her kids know my younger two. They lived near each other for a few years, even played baseball together. She has meet them and I have reintroduced them. As far as my oldest he has not meet Liz yet or her children. Not sure if he is ready to see me with another woman yet. He has told me to do what I want but I am not sure he really wants me to be with anyone else yet. Her kids accepted me right away, mine are very hesantant on the whole thing and are very protective of me. Liz is scared to death to meet Jason. She lost both her parents very young and understands what he is going through to a point. But her mom never dated before she passed away so she really is unsure about him.

As far as my mom goes things re not working out to well. She is not use to living with people, let alone dealing with kids.  She was looking for me to be her companion. I am may have to buy her out of the house. Not what I really what to do but she really isn't happy.

I hope I answered most of your questions. I will check in again soon to tell you how things are going.

Jason

7
Spouse, Partner Loss / Time
« on: August 13, 2012, 07:08:30 AM »
Hi all hope you all doing as good as possible. I realized today that for the last several months I have only posted when things were really bad. That I would come here when I was at my lowest point. It will be a year in 6 days. Where has the time gone. Over the past year I have made many mistakes but I have also made much progress. It is said we all heal at different rates and that we all grieve differently. For months I felt guilty for getti g involved with someone new so soon after my wife's death. But then again it took weeks of therapy for me to convinced I was no longer married. It tools months to learn to do simple tasks again. I meet someone not because I did not love my wife. I meet someone because I took advice from a very wise and special person who told me to keep my heart open no matter how bad it hurt. I have hope that things will get better because I listened and tryed to take all advise offered. You guys helped more than I can could ever express. There are many things I learned about myself this year. And many things I learned about death that I would rather not have learned. Out all the advise I was givin there are a few that helped me that I though I should share hoping that some of it will help some of you.

The first and what felt was the most important I already said once but is worth repeating. Leave your heart open. Don't close it off from the world. For every door that closes another one really does open you just don't always see it right away.

When things start to really get bad as your self why do I feel this way. Try to to see if there is a realist reAson for feeling so down or is it just your head.  I have found that my mind will keep me down if I don't try and remember that what happened was out of my control and I can not change it no matter how much I want to.

The last peice that I feel help the most was don't let your grief become who you are. It is ok to grieve. We have lost people who were very close to us.  We have lost part of our selves with that person. I still miss my wife every day. I still wish I could see her hold her touch her. My love for her did not die with her. But she would not want me to live the rest of my life in pain. She would want me to find happiness again.

I did not know any of your spouces but because you are here reading this I know you loved them very deeplly and returned that love.  You will always feel that love for them. You will always miss them. But I know in my heart that not one of them would want to live out your days in pain.  It hurts bad now I know but it does get manageable you have to give your self a break. Which for me was the hardest thing to do. I come a long way over the last year and I know I still have a long way to go. As Bob said I think I will always be healing. No better words were ever said about this process. It doesn't end it just changes.


Thanks for listening.
Jason

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Spouse, Partner Loss / How do I live like this
« on: June 16, 2012, 10:21:14 AM »
How do I go on living like this. Everything that gos wrong is her fault. All the stress, all the pain, all the uncertainty. I'm tired of this new normal. If she were here I would be moving into this house with my mother and my son.  They are like oil and water. I don't know what I was thinking when I said ok to this. We haven't moved in yet and they are allow ready fighting.  And dating I don't know how to date I wasn't very good at it before and with kids mixed in I'm even worse. I feel lost in a sea of endless stress and all that passes through my mind any more is this is all her fault. If she was still here I would not be dealing with any of this. My life would be full of stress still but stress I was use to. I really don't want to do this any more. Just want a reset button.  Or someone to put me out of my misery. I though lossing her was hell. I was so wrong. Life with out her is hell. Lossing her was just pain. Unimaginable pain. I am sorry for the rant. I am just tired of being sick and tired. I am so ready to just go to sleep never to wake again.


Regretfully still here.

Jason

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Follow your heart
« on: May 28, 2012, 10:10:50 AM »
I have been told to follow my heart and leave to open. So what do you do when your heart pulls you in to opposite directions?  What do when following your heart causes others you love pain? I am have found my self in a place I could never have imagined 9 months ago or even 13 years ago. When I got married I though this was it. I would never be trying to have a relationship with anyone else. That she would always be here. We would grow old together. Now 13 years later I find myself buying a house with out her. Trying to raise our son and keep make myself happy again. It still seems so unreal a lot of the time. I find myself still waking and expecting to see her laying next to me. And when she is not there the reality of it all slaps me in the face again. It has gotten to the point where I don't even like sleeping in my own bed or even in the house any more. My kids are not very happy with me right now. They think I am forgetting about them. I am not home as much as I use to be. I really hate being there. We are moving in a month. The final gift from my wife. A home I own. I am hoping a new home and new things will help. I don't want to feel the pain any more. I want to move forward with out guilt. I want to finally be alright.  I want to stop looking for the end and just find acceptance. I know I will never get over her. That I will always love her and she will always have a piece of my heart. I just want to be able to wake up in my bed and not feel like something is missing. To stop looking at the empty side of the bed and expecting to see her there. To just not keep waiting for this nightmare to be over. That some where in my mind that I can finally understand no matter what I do she will never come back. I just what to find peace.

Thanks for listening.

Jason

10
Spouse, Partner Loss / replys
« on: April 17, 2012, 09:02:47 AM »
I started a new topic something I should have done with my last post, but sense my judgement is clouded and mind is going a million miles a minute spring checkin seemed like the right place.

Ray I would have hoped that the others in my life who saw what I was doing would have spoke up before the situation got to the point it did. I really don't care what others think but I will always listen to an others point of view. I though I had made it pretty clear to my friends and family that if they saw I was doing something that did not feel right to them to let me know. I am not in my right mind and honestly don't know if I will ever get back there again.

Terry I was very disappointed, disappointed that I let myself hurt someone because I was trying to escape my pain. Disappointed that I used someone. But most of all disappointed that it did not work. I am just tired of this life. Tired of all the tears. Of all the pain. I did what I promised to do. I stayed in sickness and in health. I forfilled my vows. They said till death do you part. She is no longer here but I am still married to her. I see her every where. I feel her every where. I want it to go away, I want it to stop. There are days I have to avoid our son or I will lose control. I want to care about life again, but I don't. I just don't care. I am in a very bad place and I really don't care if I get out or not. I just want the pain to stop.

I am sorry I have not been able to be very supportive to any one lately. But I am battleing my own demons and right now they seem to be winning.

Jason

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Fustrated
« on: April 07, 2012, 11:27:10 AM »
How much longer do I have to do this. Why is every little decision a major event? I got an e-mail for a game site she payed for and I can't decide if I should renew or not. I have never used the site and I have forgotten about it for months. I want to stop feeling like I'm doing something wrong every time I talk to a woman. I want stop buying flowers every week. I want this intense pain and loss to go away. I want to stop counting the months. I want to feel normal again. I don't want to worry if this trip out is going to end with tears. All I really want is to just be able to live again.

Sorry for the ramble had to get it out and I know you all understand.


Jason

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Spouse, Partner Loss / anniversary
« on: April 03, 2012, 07:18:31 AM »
Today is April 3. This should have been my 13 wedding anniversary. I should be a wreck right now. I though that I would be unable to post or for that matter see through the tears. Yet here I am. I can say that I am ok today. If any thing I feel guilty for not being overwhelmed with grief. I posted on her Fb page at Midnight, shed  few tears then. But I am functioning today. I though today would be the hardest of the firsts, yet it seems to be the easiest. I find myself at peace today. I do miss her and would give anything to have her back. Maybe this is the begining of acceptance or maybe I am just numb. Only time will tell.

I did get the next rose out, I was going to put my ring on it but when I looked at them I saw that her ring fit perfectly inside mine. So I have decided to continue to wear them around my neck. to remind me she will always be in my heart. Together forever, forever apart.

Jason

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Blessings
« on: March 27, 2012, 07:04:19 AM »
Hi all Sunday I went to visit the collage my son is going to attend in the fall. This was a very difficult day for me, I know no matter how much pain my wife was in she would have insisted on going. I spent most of the day praying for the strength to hold the tears back as I saw all the couples with their kids walking around and asking questions. One more first down, one more sign that life keeps moving even if I still want it to stop.

I had been feeling kinda down and sorry for myself the last few days after that experience. Mad that she was not going to be here to see our son graduate, how unfair it is that all these couple would get to see there kids school to deal with all that comes with kids going off to the city to school. Last night I talk to a friend of mine on the phone (we talk about once a week and she usually calls me, as some of you know here I am not the best at keeping in touch) and it change my whole out look. This friend is a fellow widow, her husband passed away 5 months ago yesterday. She told me she was having a bad I had just assumed it was because of the date. It was but there was so much more, she found out yesterday that her 22 year old daughter has cancer. I was taken back. Here I was feeling sorry for myself with having to deal with collage with out my wife and here this fellow widow had to deal with cancer with out her husband. Today I am feeling very humbled and thankful  what I have.

Thanks for listening

Jason
PS. please keep them in you thoughts and prayers. Her name is Rosemary and her daughter is Kendra. Thank you.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Need a reset botton
« on: March 24, 2012, 10:26:58 PM »
Tonight I sit here not really sure what has happened. Had a fight with my sons girlfriend over a hamster, we went from wanting to buy a hamster to I'm moving out. And I can't tell you how we got there. I guess I should give some back round to those of you who do not know the story. About a month or 2 (not really sure how long) after my wife passed my son's girlfriend moved in with us. I was in a fog, not really caring about much at the time. All I remember is her telling me her mom kicked her out and she had no where else to go. So I let her move in. She was 17 at the time so I did make sure the high school knew where she was staying. I though it would be temporary at the time. I never thought the school social worker would let her stay here knowing my wife just passed away. But to my surprise, she is now 18 and still here and the school does not care. Any way I let her move in because I know my wife would have said yes, they had been talking about her moving in with us as soon as she was 18.
I don't know what I said, or how I handled the whole hamster thing, but some where it all went wrong. I know tonight was not the night for her to ask something like that. I am not all here been hurting all day. Tomorrow I have to take my son to the city to visit the collage the first time. Just one more thing his mom should be here for. Been feeling this event coming up on me all day. I'm not sure if she though asking tonight was good thing as maybe she was counting on me not to be all here and just say yes because she knows what tomorrow is, or it was just bad timing. All I know is I have a lot on mind and not a lot of time to get things done. With in the next six months I have get my son into collage find a new place to live, try and help his girlfriend with what I can for her education and some how keep myself sane. Not to sure about the last two.
I miss her so much, Nights like this I need her, just  to tell me I doing the right thing and everything will be ok.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I needed to vent

Jason

15
Spouse, Partner Loss / Advise needed
« on: March 20, 2012, 07:07:16 AM »
                                              Warning this is going to be a long post and jump around a lot

Friends I am lost more lost than usual. I have been isolating myself from everything I was doing for almost 2 months now. I was checking this site and posting twice a day now I am lucky if I get on every couple of days.  I was writing to my wife the same amount now I only write her on the 19th of every month. Every time my phone ring I cringe and it takes everything I have to answer and a lot of times I don't answer. I have not been returning calls. I have not got anything done in over a week, made none of calls I should be make. I have not tried to find a new place to live which I need to do as this lease is over in August and I can not afford to stay here. I have not made any appointments on time or set up any of the appointments I need to. I have called out of work at least 3 times in the last 2 weeks. I can't sleep at night, I find myself watching tv till very late hours and I can even tell you what I have been watching. I don't what to get out of bed in the morning. I haven't been on chat or talked to anyone I have meet on this journey  in almost a week,( I did see Kevin and Lisa on sunday, that was the first time I have really talk to either one of them in a while). I am down to eating one meal a day I think I only do that so people don't worry( I only eat in front of others if by my self I don't eat). I haven't been to the gym in 3 weeks, I haven't made to the cemetery in 2 weeks. I have tried making a list of things to do and only trying to do one thing at a time but it seems all I get done is the list. The part that is really starting to bother me is I am avoiding my kids. I talk to them when they talk to me, but if they don't say anything to me I don't talk to them. I know all this sounds weird after reading my last few posts, but everything I have been doing lately is to keep up appearances. I don't want people to worry about me. I can't respond to people posts like I use to I read them and I can't find the words to write. I have been quick to anger lately, and getting easily frustrated with my self and others. I don't understand what is going on with me, I feel like sh*t all the time but have drive or desire to do anything about it. About the only things I have been able to do is drink a lot and smoke a whole lot. Through all this I do have moments when the old me does come out of a little bit but is is not very often and it does not last very long. I just want it to be normal again or maybe this is my new normal. Or maybe I have just lost my way. May be I am going back to the old old me the one before Jen, I don't know any more. All I do know is that I hurt most of the time and after 7 months I do not have the energy to fight this any more. I just want it all to fade to black, I don't want to die, but I do not wish to live. Not like this. I what to care, but I just don't. I should care about what is going on with my kids, I should want to care and I honestly just don't. What have I become?  Is this my new normal?

Thank you all for listening

Jason

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