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Topics - Rebecca

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1
Child Loss / Jason's Mom - 2/13/2005
« on: October 14, 2013, 01:10:33 PM »
Hello - My name is Rebecca and my beloved son, Jason, died on 2/13/2005.  I used this board several times a day and read all I could.  It is amazing to me that almost 8 years have come and gone.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of Jason.  Today, I called the grandmother of a young man who died.  I knew the grandmother years ago but when we would see each other we hugged, kissed and promised to keep in touch.   We did not but I called her today because of the obit in the paper.  I told her that I would do what I could for her daughter whose son committed suicide.  I am sure that if she goes on the suicide page she will be able to get consolation.  My life has gone on.  I still remember Dena, Aunt Martha, and the few others that I happened to catch with my reading today.  Anyway, I walk, talk, eat, and do everything I did before Jason died.  I stuff my grief inside myself because it is the only place where I feel safe with it.  I know I will never see him again.  Myt daughter, has two children and they make a broken heart sing.  If I was to clam up and not live, I would not be doing justice to Jason.  He would smack me and say... something like:  Mom... get a grip.  Live Life... he did, until the heart he had could not get enough blood through the arteries.  They were 90% blocked.  Moving on did not happen overnight and there are days that I can be brought back to 2/13/05 in a minute.  I retired, so being home is a little difficult some days, but I go on.  I think that those of us who have lived years after our children have died will agree that we go on.  I want to give back so if I can help a parent who is either new or not gone through too many years without their beloved child, I will help.  I will check in here as often as I can.

2
Child Loss / Jason
« on: January 23, 2012, 01:01:48 AM »
It's been a very long time since I have been on here.  Feb. 13th will be 6 years that we found our 31 (then) son Jason.  In the beginning, I was on here morning, noon and night. I never thought a day would go by without writing.  Well as most say, time marches on.  Our daughter had a daugher.  She was just a year old.  I never thought my broken life could begin to heal.  but the truth of the matter is I don't think I have really accepte that Jason died.  I look at his picture and expect him to walk through the door even though I know he won't.  For some reason this helps me survive.  We have never forgotten him.  His name comes up all the time in conversations...  My heart goes out to all of you "newbies".  If I can help, let me know.  I know I am selfish but I need u now.  How many of my old buddies still write on here.  If you do, please write to me.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

3
Child Loss / Paula Bruckne
« on: July 01, 2011, 11:32:15 PM »
I read on here periodically and have been wondering how u and your family are.  Isaw that ur son is getting married soon.  I hope it isa happy day for you so that youcan make it for him. pls kee me posted.
Rebecca Jason' Mom

4
Child Loss / Hello to everyone
« on: June 12, 2011, 06:53:11 PM »
I have not been on here for a long time.  Since becoming a grandmother and working my fingers to the bone at my job, I just come home, eat and sleep.  I am never without my Jason on the tip of my tongue as I am sure all of you are with your beloved children.  Six and a half years already and I don't know where the time has gone.  There are still days that I think it is all a bad dream and I will wake up when he walks through the door.  We picked his dog up from my daughter today as we were on vacation and she sat in my lap and stared into my eyes.  I know Jason is inside Jesse and was telling me so.  Whenever I see young men his age my eyes well up.  He has not progressed in age and will always be 31 and his sister is not going to be 35 and age he never saw.  I miss him with all my heart.  I hope that those who might still remember us are doing ok... as ok as any of us can be.  I think especially of Paula who has had a most difficult time and Martha, who it seems has had so many deaths.  I still work with probation and work so hard to help the drug dealers go away for a long time and for those addicted, I work just as hard for their hopeful soberiety.  It is a horrific disease and one that has to be worked on every second of the day. In our small community we have had several deaths from overdoses of meth and heroin.  We need to get the dealers off the streets but I know that there will just be others to follow and then there are those that come in from Chicago or  get them to go there.

Thinking of all of you.
Rebecca Jason's Mother

5
Child Loss / Checking In
« on: April 10, 2011, 04:12:18 PM »
It has been quite a while since I've been here.  I read but as so many say, I don't have much to add.  I do the best job in the world of acting, but sometimes it is even too hard for me.  Our granddaughter is being named in Temple a week from today and I am a nervous wreck. My SIL family coming from Fla and SF and staying with us.  No one from my family will be here, first there is no one left except my sister who does not speak to me. My daughter naturally but she is the mother.  My sister did not even acknowledge the birth of her grandniece, but who cares.  She is not a part of my life anymore.  But Jason, how he would have loved this little Lylah.  But, there is nothing I can do.  He is gone as well.  We will have her wrapped in his prayer shawl and this way in spirit... although he is always here in spirit he will be with us.  I hurt for all the new people here. It was 6 years in Feb.  How have I survived, by acting. I let down when I am at home. It works for me.  If I can be of help, e mail me.  For the new ones, Jason was 31 and had a heart attack.  For the rest of my helpers, I wish u as much peace as possible.  With caring.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

6
Child Loss / Wed six years ago
« on: February 16, 2011, 04:48:02 AM »
I could recite almost line for line and verse for verse everything that happened from the day we found Jason to 6 years ago today when we buried him.  Did I ever tell you that on that day my sister said she was going to buy flowers to throw in the grave and did I want one.  She never asked if it was ok.  She just did what she did as she always does. I said no and I was pissed.  She was pissed I believe that I did not ask her to speak. To tell u the truth, it never dawned on me.  His friends were the ones he would have wanted and they wanted to do it for him and us.  well, it is 6 years and I have not heard word one from her for about 5.5.  One would think that since we knew what our mother went through losing our brother she would have some empathy. Nothing.  Our daughter had her baby and they have not heard a word.  If someone on here could explain heartlessness and coldness, lack of compassion and pure selfishness so I could understand it. Many people have said I should call her and find out what "I" did to make her stop talking to us.  Hell will freeze over before I ever pick up the phone.  Am I cynical u bet your booty.  Any thoughts and have any of you had the same experiences.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

7
Child Loss / 6 years ago today
« on: February 13, 2011, 12:13:25 PM »
How is this possible?  6 years ago today and it was on a Sunday, that we found Jason.  I remember every detail.  The night before I won an award for being an advocate for children.  When we left the event we drove by Jason's house and saw the lights and tv on.  I was going to go in but said it was about 11:00 PM and if he had a girl in there it would be embarrasing.  We had not heard from him in a few days and I was worried. My husband said that if we did not hear on Sun he would go over.  We had plans to go to Chic and we cancelled them. He went over with a friend and found him on the couch, dead.  Nothing was found.  He had a heart attack.  The coroner said he died on the 10th but to me he died on the 13th.  So we angst  more from the 10th until  the 16th when he was buried.  My whole body feels like it is out of kilter.  I lost my credit card. I can't seem to find anything.  I am a mess and all I want to do is sleep but we will go to the cemetary and kiss his stone.  I am so sad.  I want him back.  I want to hear his voice.  I want him to walk in my side door.  My feelings and wants are no different than any of you on here and you are the only people who understand.
Thank you for reading and if you feel like it, responding.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

8
Child Loss / Deep grief, deep joy -
« on: February 05, 2011, 07:17:45 AM »
I am in a place now where it is Feb. My most hated month of the year. Feb. 13 will be 6 years that we found Jason.  I am still brought to my knees remembering, missing, smelling cigarette smoke, looking at his picture.  At the same time, I am in complete utter joy and peace as we get ready to drive to see our 6 week old granddaughter.  We have not missed a weekend, I know that will slow down but now, she takes my heart and holds it in her little hands.  But then there is Jason, who will never, in the physical sense know her.  I tell her, I show her pictures, but she will not know him.  But how can I justify both feelings.  My brain goes from one to another... help, some of you further along this road most probably have or have had these feelings.  The truth be known, I feel guilty.
Love, Rebecca Jason's MOm

9
Child Loss / First Grandchild
« on: December 26, 2010, 03:21:08 PM »
Our daughter gave birth to a beautiful 7.5 baby girl, Lylah Rose, last Sunday.  There are no words to describe how we feel about the baby.  The sadness we feel that Uncle Jason will never see her, kiss her, love her, is unbelievable.  No, those of you who are grandparents understand.  I started to talk about her Uncle Jason and will until the day I die.  So many emotions.!
Rebecca Jason's Mom

10
Child Loss / How to ask without asking
« on: November 24, 2010, 11:45:30 PM »
This is the first year since Jason died that we are having Thanksgiving.  It is my most favorite holiday and it was his.  Our daughter is due to give birth in a few weeks and we all wanted to stay close. Our dearest friends are moving permanently to Fla.so another loss of our hearts.  I seem to be the only one who realizes the magnitude of no Jason again this year.  I made one of his favorite dishes and cried and I did. I feel so empty when I need to feel full with what I do have.  I miss him so. I miss my husband who is here but I really know that he is just here.  yes, he is affectionate, always doing for me but the prior husband is gone.  Maybe because we are older.  Maybe becaujse we have grown apart.  I don't know what to do.  i know I can't leave and leave a hole for the rest of my family especially with the baby coming.  I feel like a shell of a person walking talking doingon the outide and being stone cold on the inside.  I am 63, look and act younger and want to have some kind of life befoe mine is over.  I don't know what to do.  it is 1am and again i cannot sleep.  too many thanksgiving memories rummagine around from yearss gone by.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

11
Child Loss / Vacation
« on: November 13, 2010, 12:11:13 PM »
We are back from a week in Aruba. I spent a lot of time, watching young or medium age Dad's with their young children.  It hurt my heart. I am wondering does anyone know of a website or has anyone had the latest pic of their child aged to see what he would have looked like.  Just wondering.   It is so hard to be so happy (our granchild to be born in about 5-6 weeks and then thinking that Jason will not physically be a part of the whole process, at least in the live physical form.  Life is very hard.  Laffing and then stopping myself to realize how can I laff and hurt all at the same time.  Anyone have any answers to that questions.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

12
Child Loss / a phone call
« on: October 23, 2010, 11:52:49 AM »
A former friend of Jason's who lives in Switzerland called to say he would like to stop by and say hello.  He and Jason parted friendships.  I said we would be home in the afternoon but it pains me to see him.  I want to know why he stopped being friends with Jason although Jason said he, this boy, always knew everything and he finally got sick of it.  I hurt so much... it gives me a headache and all I want to do is sleep but I have so much to do.  We are going to Aruba in a few weeks, then Thanksgiving and then the baby.  My heart is in a knot.  I know that there are  many of you out there who would change places with me and for that I am sorry.  I just can't keep up with my feelings.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

13
Child Loss / What to say when...
« on: October 04, 2010, 06:31:39 AM »
our daughter is having our first grandchild in Dec.  Friends of our asked if they could come to Thanks. as they are not moving until after Nov. 30. We might be at my house or my daughter's .  I was telling a friend about this (a male) and he said:  R it is time to move on.  a new baby, a new beginning.  Now this was done on the internet, not face to face or on the phone. I let it go but I know I am moving but not on... I am existing, I am laughing at things, I am so excited about the baby but what about Jason not being at Thanks. what about his not being their when the baby is born, what about his not having his own kids, and on and on and on.  What would u say.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

14
Child Loss / Jason's 37 bd
« on: September 04, 2010, 05:13:33 PM »
Tomorrow would have been Jason's 37th bd.  When I say would have been it is like someone else is saying that.  I lose my breath when I really acknowledge he is gone.  I just don't understand, why are some taken so young and others live, in vegatative states well into their 90's.  I know someone like that.  I guess I should not question G-d's decisions but I can't help it and heavens knows no one is going to give me the answer.  It is so painful, a happy wonderday day is now one that we cannot celebrate.  I see him as a little boy and then see him as the years go.  I see so many of his friends moving on to the next step in life, wife, children, enjoying days.  I just don't get it and I know I never will, nor will any of you who were forced to be here.
Happy Heavenly Birthday to my Boy, ILU
Rebecca, Ma

15
Child Loss / emotionally paralyzed
« on: August 27, 2010, 04:56:46 AM »
that's how I feel or don't feel.  I am on meds but I think they stopped working or even worse,working backwards.  i have an appt with psych. 9/10.  I just feel like everyone is after me, I made a mistake and it blows up, I just want to get through the next couple of years so why do I care about anything at work?  Why can't I just shrug it off my back.  I use to, and would say after what I went through with losing Jason, nothing will bother me. but it does, I can't wait to go to the dr. before something serious happens.  I am a mess and sometimes am scared because I either feel too much or feel nothing at all.
My husband does not understand.  I don't know who else to talk to without it being repeated, I don't want to discuss with my daughter who is preg.  I just want to hole up in room.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

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