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Topics - Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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1
Child Loss / Book worthy of mentioning
« on: June 09, 2009, 08:48:39 AM »
A friend brought over a book for me to read. She said that while she read it that she could not stop thinking of me & Adam. Even though I am Jewish and the book's characters are G-d, Jesus etc. I am midway though it and it provokes some interesting thoughts.
The name of it is The Shack and the author is  William P. Young

2
Child Loss / A family in need
« on: April 06, 2009, 05:58:38 AM »
Yesterday in the very early morning hours my husband's 35 year old nephew slit his wrists.
He survived and his in the hospital. He has a long history of violence, chemical dependency and a criminal record.
His parents (my husbands brother) have been through a lifetime of hell. They lost their 2nd born at the age of 22 months. My BIL wound up being hospitalized in a psychiatric unit and underwent ECT. My SIL lost her Mom at the age of 14, her daughter, her Dad tragically fell off a roof and was killed while trying to help a friend, her firstborn son has never been easy and she has metasized lung cancer. Their 4th child is currently in prision for selling drugs. Their third child has the "burden" of being the "good" child.
Their lives are not enviable.
If anyone has the time or inclination please offer up prayers for Gary, Carolee, Tommy, Carriayne, Brian & Kelly.

3
Child Loss / My youngest
« on: January 26, 2009, 12:01:38 PM »
My 20 year old has not had an easy time of it. My father was almost his primary caregiver when he was little and then took very ill and died. My son and daughter have had multiple isues and then my son died. My youngest and eldest don't relate to one another very well and they are 10 years apart. My youngest drinks and gambles too much, has no work ethic, no savings, prone to anger and tears. Now he is in a deep funk. Wants to quite work, his relationship with his gf is in tatters and is refusing all help. Only intermittantly when he was younger and immediately following Adam's death would he go for help.
I am scared of his depression and how to help him.

4
Child Loss / Why doesn't Adam visit me?
« on: January 06, 2009, 09:06:30 AM »
Adam's girlfriend says that Adam visits her each and every night. She also told me immediately following Adam's demise that Adam told her he go not go forward on his journey b/c of Craig's profound grief. My signs are so far and few in between. Is it b/c he resents me? I think that I was a good Mom except for the fact that I was a yeller. A yeller at clean up your room, not a yeller that belittled my children. I would not be a yeller again but I was and I am sorry for that. I didn't think that Adam loved his gf. He used to and then I thought from his words, actions and addiction the relationship became more of a habit. In death does he realize he loved her? Is he scared and wants to hold onto the familiar? I always wonder if I was the reason for his need to escape into addiction and his not coming to me is his affirmation of this fact.

5
Child Loss / Feb. 6, Adam Daniel's 5 month heavenly anniversary
« on: February 06, 2007, 05:50:13 AM »
I attempted suicide 2 Sun's ago. I have been feeling overwhelmed by the pain of missing Adam and a lot of problems with my mentally ill daughter etc.
I was found by Adam's grave several hours later and am now home.
I feel sad and a bunch of emotions that I cannot even define as of yet.
Paula

6
Child Loss / Messages
« on: January 20, 2007, 03:34:19 PM »
Hi All!
I am so beyond computer illiterate and not at all thinking straight since Sept. 6th, that I just realized how I read my messages. It always said that you have "X" # of messages, "X" # are new and I didn't figure out how to access them until this very moment.
So thank you for writing back to me, I'm sorry if it seemed like I ignored you.
Starynyte wanted to speak with me, if you want to that's OK.
Paula

7
Child Loss / Thank you to all who read my posts and respond so warmly
« on: January 14, 2007, 07:13:13 PM »
I am not good at navigating the computer and this board. I don't always know how to know when someone has responded to a posting that I sent in response to someone's posting without reading everything. I often don't have the emotional courage to re-read all of our sadness. I also have a major issues going on here at home that I have shared with you so my time is in very short supply.
So this is my round about way of telling all of you who read my posts especially those who have responded with your incredible neverending warmth, love, compassion, understanding, love and friendship that I am sorry that we have all met under the most dire of circumstances but that I think of all of you as my extended family and I want to thank each and every one of you for helping me through these past 4 months of pure hell.
I am sorry for all the newest members of our "club" and of all those who have been members for longer than I.
Your grateful friend,
Paula

8
Child Loss / Today I want to die HELP
« on: January 13, 2007, 11:26:02 AM »
Adam's autopsy report came in. It is 01/13/07 and my precious boy went to Heaven on 09/06/06. It has taken over 4 agonizing months to receive the news.
Adam was an addict. He used everything, I believe his favorite was Heroin by injection.
I had thought that he must have damaged his body with all the alcohol and drugs and perhaps it was his heart that gave out.
The cause of death was acute opiate intoxification. Autopsy revealed that his body was in absolutely perfect condition.
It broke my heart to read that. It felt just like the moment when the detective told me that he had died earlier that day.
My only saving grace is that Adam described Heroin as the best possible feeling in the world so I can only hope that he went to sleep in a state of bliss and was 100% unaware that he was dying.
I was afraid that he had a heart attack and that he felt pain and was scared.
I am so heartbroken to know that my boy was so fortunate that his years of alcohol and drugs had zero impact on his physical being and to think if only he did not use that day or ever again he had every chance to live a wonderful life without his former usage impacting his vital organs or by contracting any of those terrible diseases like HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis, TB, etc.
He had it all and the pull of the drugs ended his life.
One decision, one action, one moment in time destroyed him and his family.
I don't want to hurt the rest of my family but I am finding it so hard to go on.
I won't kill myself but I wish I could or just simply die.
I wish each and every one of you was with me this moment as I need all of you right now here with me. I can't do this any longer.
Paula

9
Child Loss / Finding it hard to continue
« on: January 09, 2007, 05:34:31 PM »
Today is one week since I went back to my full time job. I judge my day by how many Valiums I need to take, is it a zero Valium day, a 1/2 a tab day, 1 whole tab or two etc. I find myself teary eyed in work and sobbing in the car. I find myself sobbing as I walk the dog. I am definitely on the roller coaster ride everyone talks about. Sat. was Adam's 4 mo. heavenly anniversary and that in itself was a heartbreaker. We removed the holiday grave blanket because now it looked garish to us and it bothered us to see a holiday "gift" on his grave. We replace it with a small heart and a beanie baby that simply says I love you.
My boss keeps on telling me to put on my Director of Nursing professional face, that as a leader I need for people to see me strong and not as a wounded person. I get to a degree what she is trying to say but the other part of me wants to scream out I am wounded and I don't believe that if God forbid you lost either one of your sons you would be having this conversation with me.
My son's gf tells me that he comes to her every night in her dreams.....and he doesn't come to me. I guess he felt closer to her and misses her more than me.
I really hate my life. I go through the motions but that's really all it is. As heartless as it sounds at times I wish that I didn't have my other children so I could just kill myself and be with Adam and out of this pain and misery.
Paula

10
Child Loss / Life is so difficult
« on: January 06, 2007, 10:00:12 AM »
Today is Adam's 4 month heavenly anniversary. It is getting harder and harder as each day passes. It's so unbelievable to me to think that he is gone. I want to imagine that he has been on an extended trip, anything to explain away these last 4 months. I have yet to receive the coroner's report to know his cause of death. I recently sent a notarized letter to them and received a correspondence back stating that they received my letter. I called them and said, OK, we exchanged letters, now when can I expect the report, they told me that it will go out in the mail next week. I know that drugs were the reason behind his demise but whether or not it was an OD or his body was just so damaged from his drug usage times that it simply gave out.....I just need to have that knowledge as part of the closure process.
I am so terrified for my husband. He had so many suicidal ideation's in the beginning and now does not have ones that he will actively do, but passively he is.  His only concession to treatment is going on antidepressant medication prescribed by our internist. He refuses to go to bereavement counseling or a complete physical examination. He told me yesterday that he will not kill himself as to burden the family with that but he will refuse to go to a doctor because whatever ailment he currently has or will come down with he will never treat as death cannot come fast enough for him to join Adam. If it is a disease and he refuses treatment than his family will just have to accept & respect his decision. I feel that this is total deep depression and I cannot convince him to do anything about it.
I cannot keep on being the strong one here, my entire family is falling apart and I am the role model, the pillar of strength allowing them to see me grieve and yet move forward as far as returning to work, going for counseling, taking antidepressant medications etc.
My daughter Kaitlin who has Triple X chromosome and bipolar disorder is non compliant with her medications, the ongoing legal issues etc. etc.
My youngest son, Josh, is in a deep depression and he is following his Dad's lead by refusing treatment. He stays in his room most of the time, living in filth with his clothes all around the room, food wrappers, not the household environment he has grown up with.
He returned from his holiday with his brother within 48 hours after Matthew so lovingly planned the trip to help Josh and to bond even more with him knowing how hard Josh is taking Adam's death.
Matt returned home last night, I will call him. Craig spoke to him yesterday and Matt had a fantastic time, well, at least one of us is doing OK.
My Mom who lives with me has her own set of mental issues, and once again she is giving me the silent treatment and that just adds to my tension as well.
Craig's Mom is is such poor health, discharged from the hospital yesterday about 4 pm and readmitted at 6a.m this morning.
I had planned for today to be a restful day, relaxing from my 1st week back at work, which by the way was a doozy. Even though my company is a fantastic, loving workplace, I am the Director of Nursing with an enormous amount of responsibility and the work is overwhelming normally, much less being out for almost 4 months.  I had just promoted someone and they need my guidance. I had to terminate employment of a high ranking supervisor yesterday- it was a 2 valium day.
I thought that today I would sleep in a bit, do some chores, go visit Adam and spend a nice amount of time by him since I cannot visit him daily as I was accustomed to doing for almost 4 months since now I have returned to work, and made plans this evening to spend time with 3 childhood girlfriends that I knew being in their company would bring me some solace.
Now I have to run to the vet as my kitten is not eating, bring them a stool sample. Go to the drycleaners as my week worth of work clothes needs to be drycleaned. Visit Adam of course. Go over to my mother-in-law's house and clean up as she had uncontrolled urine, bowel movements and regurgitation. Go over to the hospital and lend support to my brotherinlaw who is there. He called and said that they have a confirmed diagnosis of R lung pneumonia which is a problem for her as she has severe emphysema and is on continuous oxygen and has been on a ventilator twice in the last year. They have to call in all the other specialists as well. Being that I am the one in the family with the medical knowledge it is always a comfort to them for me to be there. My sisterinlaw went home to rest and my husband had to go to work he works in the Metropolitan Opera House and does the lighting and there are 2 shows as well as rehearsals today. Of course if it becomes a critical situation he will make arrangements to leave. To give you an example of his work hours, he was up at 4 a.m. to be in to work at 7a.m. and he will not be home until Sun. approx. 2 a.m.
I am so overwhelmed and just need all of your love, hugs, support and prayers.
Your grateful friend,
Paula

11
Child Loss / roller coaster of emotions
« on: January 01, 2007, 01:58:02 PM »
Today is one of those days when the grief of losing Adam is like a bulldozer running over me.
The emotional pain feels physical and the tears are like a faucet that cannot stop running. I know no where else to turn but to you, my extended family brought together by our terrible grief.
When I have strong days, my husband does not, or my son doesn't and so forth and so on. When they are doing poorly it brings me to my knees as my strength and defenses crumble as I witness their pain.
I hate being asked "Is that how Adam would want you to feel?" Yes, of course he would. He knew how much he was loved and cherished. He would be sad for the outcome the way that we all are. He never meant to die, it was a terrible accident.
My youngest one came home in two days from his 10 day holiday in Europe w/his older brother. He was such a bundle of nerves, all he wanted to do was to be home. It's hard to see him cry and be so unhappy. I know that he should be getting counseling, on meds, yada, yada, yada, but you cannot make an 18 year old do something that he is not ready to do. The same thing for my husband. At least he went on antidepressants and will take antianxiety meds on an as needed basis. I thought that our trip to Vegas with our daughter was going well. She behaved and we were relaxed and kept busy. My husband feels the opposite, he couldn't wait to come home and nothing is relaxing him. On top of it he has an ailing 84 year old Mom who became hospitalized while we were gone so of course we have been running to be w/her and whatever expertise my nursing skills can lend. As usual my Mom gets mad at us whenever we go away. She is a bitter person for her life's blows and they have been many. She too, lost a son, when he was only 7 years old and of course never recovered. I don't know what she was like before that as I was only 8 months old but I grew up with her always having green eyes for whatever other people have and that unfortunately includes me. My Dad passed away 10 years ago and he indulged her and she misses him terribly. My Mom has no more parents, or siblings and she does expect her children (me and my brother) to complete and fulfill her life, which we cannot do or truthfully even want to do. If you expect others to create your own happiness then you will always find it lacking. Of course, Adam's death threw her over the edge as she did love him so very much. So the mood in my household is far from ever cheerful. Tomorrow Craig & I are due to return to work and that presents it own set of anxiety. I would prefer to stay wrapped up in my cocoon and emerge only when I want to do so.
Our good friends tried to provide us with a very gentle, loving New Years Eve, but it was still so immensely sad saying goodbye to a dreadful 2006 but at least in 2006 Adam was alive. 2007 will not 100% exist w/o him....another step futher away from the last I saw my boy alive.
Today the weather is gloomy and pouring buckets of rain, simulating my mood or just adding to me.
I sent Craig off to visit his Mom alone, I could not go to a hospital today.
Well, I best be going and do what I need to do.
Thank you for letting me put down on words what I am feeling, at least the crying stopped
for the moment.
May blessings be bestowed upon all of you in 2007 & somehow we find the way to push through the crippling grief and we continue to be there for oneanother.
Love,
Paula

12
Child Loss / This -n- That
« on: December 25, 2006, 09:46:31 PM »
Well, we got through Chanukkah, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We had our rough moments but overall with the help of anti depressents and anti anxiety meds (as needed) we did fairly well..
Today was very important to me that we all go together, as a family to visit Adam and we did. I needed that very much. I wanted it so badly for Adam, to be all together, they way we used to always be on Christmas morning.
Tomorrow we leave for Las Vegas with our daughter Kaitlin. Presently the medications seem to be calming her down. She has a habit of disappearing on us, so we hope that she does not do that while we are away.
My boys are supposed to leave for Europe on the 27th but the youngest is having tremendous anxiety over it. We think that once he goes he'll enjoy the trip and spending time with his older brother but I won't know if he goes until that day.
When we come home we have plans with very close friends to go over their house for a quiet New Years Eve dinner and I think that we will be better off than moping around by ourselves. One day after that to "relax" and then I go back to work, the 1st time since the day that Adam passed. That in itself is anxiety provoking.
Well, I hope you all coped in whatever ways you found to enjoy the blessing that remain in your life and that your heart was full of loving memories vs only pain and heartache.
L,
Paula

13
Child Loss / A Gift to Cherish
« on: December 24, 2006, 01:14:40 PM »
Just prior to leaving the funeral home to go to the cemetery I asked the funeral director to cut some of Adam's hair for me to have as a physical keepsake. I have been pondering what to do with it.
It seems so has my husband, Craig. He went to our jeweler, picked out a beautiful gold and diamond locket (the design of the gold and diamonds is that of flowers which I love and would share my joy of my gardening w/Adam) and had some of Adam's hair put inside the locket and then permanently sealed. He had a beautiful inscription engraved on the back.
My husband was incredibly weepy yesterday and now I know why. Yesterday was the day that this all took place. He said that the jeweler and his family were all sobbing. They broke up a bottle of wine and raised a toast to Adam.
Craig said that he wanted to give me the gift in between Hanukkah and Christmas.
I think that this gift was the most thoughtful and heartfelt gift that ever could have been given to me.
I wore it when I went to visit Adam today and told him what his Daddy had done for us.
We are very sad as I imagine all of you are. I hope that you all find ways to get comfort and solace during these difficult holiday days.
Love to all,
Paula

14
Child Loss / Worries about my family, etc.
« on: December 22, 2006, 09:47:04 PM »
It is so hard to pick up the pieces of your life when you see your loved family members crumbling before your eyes.
My husband has nights of no sleep. Tonight we had plans to go out w/couple that he enjoys their company and instead he went to bed at 6:30; physically and emotionally drained.
My youngest son cries himself to sleep and said today that all he wants to do is to stay home.
It hurts to see them hurting.
Neither one of them will seek counseling. My eldest, my "new" middle child (always wondered who was the middle child when you had 4 children) & myself are in counseling. My husband, dtr and myself are on meds.
My youngest won't consider any & my oldest has not offered up info nor have I asked him.
My 83 year old Mother lives w/me and for Hanukkah we gave her 2 special presents, enlarged, framed photo's of her & Adam from my 50th b-day party 2 years ago.
We are doing something similar for Craig's Mom for Christmas.
Tonight one of Adam's dear friends, who shares similar issues in her life came by and she joined us at the cemetery. It was hard to see her and know that she still is not "clean" and we fear for her well being. Adam & Julia were such good friends and she was not able to be contacted when he passed and she feels no closure.
I had a close friend call me who was unable to talk to me before today. I want to understand her discomfort and yet I am a saddened that she was not there for me before today.
Before I continue to ramble on about this and that I will sign off.
I hope everyone has a good evening.
Paula

15
Child Loss / Buckets of tears
« on: December 21, 2006, 07:22:46 AM »
Some days I am not a weeping puddle and other days it's like a geyser of emotions and tears.
I guess my daughter's ongoing problems, being in the holiday season (as we celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas-making if doubly hard), watching my family fall apart and just plain missing Adam like crazy and not wanting to accept the reality of the finality .... at times it just breaks me.
I never sleep  full night, even with sleeping pills.
My boys (Matt/28 & Josh/18) are going to Europe together on the 27th for 10 days. How I hate to say my boys and not include Adam. Adam would have loved to have gone on a brotherly trip together.
So we decided to take Kaitlin on a trip. She is very excited to be 21 & wants to play a slot machine. So we booked a short trip to LV and will go from the 26-30th. As you all know about Kaiti's problems, we will have to keep a close eye on her and hope that she will not try to disappear on us. We will try to keep her occupied 24/7 with day trips, shopping, a little casino (very little) and shows at night.
I am usually the hostess for an annual New Years Eve gathering so this year our dear friends have invited us to their house for a quiet dinner and to spend the evening together. It will be very hard at midnight but I hope that it will be better out with good friends at their home then Craig & I collapsing in tears alone.
On Jan 2nd I return to work, it'll be almost 4 months and I am very anxious at the prospect of doing so. I have  demanding job and they have been very generous to me with the time that I needed but I would prefer to never go back, just stay home indefinitely and financially that cannot happen.
Peace and blessing to all of you!
L,
Paula

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